Control
Get out of my head…
The words echoed inside me. I wished I could scream it—that it would tear out of my chest and bust every window in proximity.
Get out of my head!
I closed my fists and eyes. The world spun in dizzy circles as I tumbled to the ground. I couldn't see straight. Was this the end?
I heard windows break in the nearby shops. People were screaming. I was losing it. I was losing all I was, because I couldn't get a grip on the festering darkness.
Before I'd known it was growing there at all, it had been too late.
It grabbed me by the throat and choked the life out of me. All I was, all I am—snuffed out by a jealous rage that I couldn't keep in check.
I could feel the needles prick the back of my neck and sear to the top of my head, and it inched slowly across my scalp closer and closer to the front of my eyes.
I'd felt this before, years ago. No matter how hard I fought back, how intensely I tried to think of the light of Kingdom Hearts, or Mickey's words of encouragement, or the smile of my friends, I couldn't fight it. It crept closer, and I felt my body move on its own.
This was the end. And if I couldn't win against it now, as a sane willing being, how could I ever dream to get myself back again?
I took a step against my will. Then the world was black.
I saw a glint of Sora's smile as I faded out of this world.
"Riku!" I heard his voice scream. Sora...
It was only a dream. Sora and Kairi had been light-years away. There was no way he was here with me now. In fact, it was probably a dream in the darkness. My body had been engulfed. There was nothing left.
"Riku! Please, get up…"
I felt my body shudder and shake. Sora…
"Riku!"
My eyes fluttered open. There was Sora, a sobbing mess. His cheeks were flushed and soaked with tears. His eyes were swollen and red. I groaned with a crackle, my throat unbearably dry and sore.
He fell next to me, gripping me for dear life. "Riku, I thought—I thought!..." He was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Sora—" I managed to croak. "Sora… what happened?"
"You were possessed by darkness—" he said. "Kairi and I had just come back to Hollow Bastion from Destiny Islands when we heard you screaming. Riku—" His voice broke as he spoke my name, "How did…"
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to tell him of these feelings. I didn't want to admit that I'd lost my grip on darkness in that very moment over a stupid fit of thoughts.
"Riku…"
"I didn't realize that I'd let my jealously take over me," I finally said, sensing Sora's uncertainty. "I'm sorry—I'll have to watch myself more closely from now on."
"Why were you jealous?"
I heaved a heavy sigh. I know he wanted to know to help, but there was nothing I could do to fix this. "You and Kairi…" I said, hoping he'd misinterpret it. Who hopes for this?
"Me and Kairi...? That we went to Destiny Islands?"
"Not exactly…" I knew Sora wasn't dense. He understood when I saw his eyes widen a little.
"Riku, me and Kairi aren't anything," he offered. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it.
Whether Sora wanted to admit it or not, they were a something. And I couldn't get in-between that, even if I did love him.
I heard someone collapse next to us. "Riku," it was Kairi, "I brought a super potion. Here." The two of them helped to pull me up to sit, and Kairi lifted the medicine to my lips. I sipped it gently—her pouring as a little hesitant and slow, but I knew she meant well. I could feel strength spike back through me. Raging darkness in me rose, but I pushed it back down immediately this time. I needed more control.
"Riku…" Sora whispered. I closed my eyes.
"You need rest, Riku," Kairi stated, standing to help me on my feet. Sora followed suit, and soon we were on our way to the hotel. It was the first time I looked around.
Not much destruction had been done, but it was more than I would have liked. The surrounding shops had shards of glass sprinkled in the street, and a wall had a few marks in it. Keyblades?
I tried to look at Sora, but I nearly stumbled doing so. I was brought to the hotel, where I was instantly greeted by a fretting Aerith.
"Kairi told me what happened," she said, prompt to escort us to the room where Sora and I usually stayed. I was helped into bed, and in moments I wished goodnight by the girls, who left. However, Sora lingered. It made me a little on edge.
"Riku…" I usually loved it when he said my name, but not like that. It was quiet and pained.
"Did you fight me?" I asked. When his eyes flickered to the floor, I had my answer. "I'm sorry…"
"I want to help you, but you're not telling me why this happened. What were you thinking?"
How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with them? Once you put it in the air, you can never take it back. The world changes. Would Sora be afraid of me? Afraid of me more so than he already was?
"When you're done being stubborn, you can find me." Sora walked to the door to leave. This was it—now or never.
"Wait."
He paused, hand inches away from the doorknob. He didn't look at me. He just waited for the answer.
"I…"
Maybe it would have been easier if he wasn't looking at me. Then I wouldn't have to see his reaction. But as I thought this, he turned to me. Well, there goes that.
But Sora's face didn't read anger anymore. It was understanding. He knew these kinds of things were hard for me—I'd always been afraid to be weak. If I showed weaknesses, then you could break right through them and hit me hard. He approached the bed, sat on the edge, and put a hand to my shoulder.
"Sorry," he offered. "I should know to be more patient."
I smiled a little, nervousness eating at my insides. I knew I should tell him. He would never hate me, would he? We'd already been through so much. After so many stupid, big mistakes, he desperately looked for me across worlds.
But love is a big burden to ask anyone to take.
"You shouldn't have to worry about this," I said.
"Riku, you take too much upon on your shoulders." Even though I'd kept to myself most of the time, never telling anyone much of anything, Sora knew me so well. "I just want you to let me take some of it, too. You can only take so much, you know?"
"But you might hate me if I told you…"
"Riku!" he chuckled, unafraid. "I couldn't hate you if I tried."
"And I couldn't get rid of you if I tried."
"Exactly!" I grinned a little again as more laughs bubbled at him. "So, tell me what's bugging you. Because I won't go anywhere."
"Even if I told you I loved you?" It came out so much easier than I thought it would. It just kind of stumbled out. But Sora was clearly shocked. He stared at me for a few seconds, licking his lips quietly. Shit.
"Is that it?" he asked, his voice down to a whisper. I could feel my stomach drop to the floor. "Oh. You were concerned about me and Kairi because…"
I couldn't look at him anymore. I didn't even want to listen anymore, but my ears were acutely in tune to him. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I couldn't take it back. I couldn't take it back…
"Well, in that case," he said, his voice quivering a little as he clearly attempted to be cool in this situation, "there's no way you'll be getting rid of me anytime soon."
That was a good sign. I looked towards him—he was grinning like an idiot. Oh. This might not be so bad.
He leaned across the bed, arms taking each side of me. Now he was so close to me. Okay, really, not so bad at all.
"I started getting a feeling you were staring at me more lately." I could feel my face begin to flush. He had noticed. "But I didn't want to get my hopes up in case it was just because that's what I wanted to think." He closed in, pressing a kiss to my lips.
My heart jumped a few extra beats, and I could hear blood rushing in my ears. My eyes lowered, but I stared at him. He was so happy. I could feel myself smile into the kiss in reaction. As I kept watching him, I noticed his left eye crack a little. He broke the kiss, playfully indignant. "Didn't you ever watch movies? You're supposed to close your eyes when you kiss! That's just rude!"
"Sora!" I laughed, "keep it down, someone's gonna hear you."
"So? We're going to have to tell them, some time."
I rolled my eyes, though he had a good point. He leaned in to kiss me again, but before he did—"Now this time, keep your eyes closed."
I obeyed as he leaned in to try again. I breathed heavily through my nose. Every part of my body tingled. I never thought this would happen. I never thought I could be so lucky to have a friend—a lover?—like Sora.
And in that moment we kissed, I could feel the darkness in me creep to the furthest corner from my heart.