Confused Heart
by: nyllemnev
Disclaimer's Apply: Rurouni Kenshin and Co. are not mine. They are the sole property of Nobuhiro Watsuki, and some people that I have never even had the chance to meet personally (someday, I hope). I'm just a poor girl, don't sue me.
Confused Heart
By: nyllemnev
"Psst! Look Kaoru-chan! He's looking your way!"
Makimachi Misao (a very good friend of mine) said very excitedly, pointing unabashedly at his direction. I frowned at her – Didn't I tell you how embarrassing it is when she does that?
I sighed and turned to his direction. True to Misao's words, he was actually looking at my direction… er… let me rephrase that – He is currently looking at somewhere within my proximity… 'looking at me' and 'looking somewhere within my proximity' – that's two different things, right?
Okay, he's currently looking at somewhere within my proximity, but with all Misao's pointing and giggling, he averted his gaze. I sighed and turned my head forward – we are in the midst of a very important club meeting, after all. It requires concentration, focus, and loads of—
"He likes you, you know."
If the situation was a little different, I would have laughed or gave my friend one incredulous look. But I did neither of that. Instead, I gave my entire attention to Mr. Takehara as he discussed some club activities for the coming…
'Mou! Why is he looking my way?'
Fine, perhaps I was not listening as attentively as I would normally have. I mean… can you blame me? How can one concentrate when you're seated right beside one Makimachi Misao who just chose that moment to keep elbowing you and throwing you that knowing look?
Mou! What's that knowing look for?
And mou! Why's he staring at me… I mean, within my proximity for?!
"Is there something the matter, Kamiya-san?" Mr. Takehara, the club adviser, inquired at my momentary lapse of… er… concentration. I mumbled an apology and pretended to be very interested in my notes.
Mou! Dang Misao and her stupid assumptions…
XXX
It all started with the start of the semester. Club activities also started with a meeting, both to welcome new recruits and to brief the members of what to expect and what activities the club is planning for the coming year. And because Mathematics is one of the few subjects I can be proud of, I predictably joined the Math club.
Anyways, I was running late for this club meeting because of some… er… little classroom incident with a fellow student. I was given an hour detention after classes. Hence the reason for me, running four flights of stairs non-stop to our club room.
"I-I m-m-made i-it!" I said in triumph, falling haphazardly to the only vacant chair left which was conveniently placed in front of his.
The meeting went on uneventful; a good ten-minute of which, I spent trying to catch my breath – but hey, I just ran four flights of stairs non-stop. Give me a break!
The meeting ended as soon as it started. Misao found her way next to me, giggling at how ridiculous I looked like. I only rolled my eyes at that, 'Mou… such a sweet girl you are…'
"I know, I know…" I practically screamed when Misao continued laughing on the way out of our club room, "I must have look like the live version of Sadako resurrected from the well again and again!"
I soon regretted raising my voice when people started to give me odd looks. However, Misao was rather unaffected by the fact that I have just raised my voice on her.
"Hey…" Misao finally said after recovering from her fit of laughter (at last, hallelujah!), "Haven't you noticed?"
"Noticed what?" I frowned, not really in the mood for one of Misao's charades. 'Mou! I hate it when she does that—
"The way he keeps glancing at you." Misao giggled.
—or when she giggles like that. I mean—?! I blinked as my brain just managed to processed what Misao had just said. "Eh? Who's glancing at who?"
"You know…" Misao smiled, her eyes having that evil sparkle that can always give the creeps, "The way Himura kept stealing glances of you."
Himura?! As in Himura Kenshin?! Stealing glances of… me?!
I shook my head and found myself laughing, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I'm being serious!" Misao said, looking highly affronted that I was taking this lightly. "He keeps glancing at you the moment you entered the club room."
"Well…" I shrugged, "Maybe he's trying hard not to laugh or maybe he was pretty amused… with how ridiculous I must look like—as you have just oh-so-kindly used to describe me a little while ago."
"Well, you do look ridiculous. With your hair all messy like this, sticking in all direction and your face sweating like that—"
"I get your point." I said through gritted teeth. "Some friend you are."
Misao smiled rather sheepishly, her face turning a light shade of pink.
"But the last time, I caught him looking at you too." Misao said again as we took the stairway, I only gave her one incredulous look. And just right at the timing, He chose that moment to walk past us, not even batting an eyelash.
"See…" I said in a matter-of-factly tone, watching him walk away, "He pretended not to see us… US, meaning you and ME…" I stressed the 'ME' part, pointing to myself and staring at my friend in a stern look that would make my father proud.
"But still…" Misao sighed, "I saw him looking at you. Really… and not just one time… I've caught him staring at you a number of times too."
I shook my head and sighed, "Your eyes must be playing tricks on you then."
"I don't know." Misao sighed as well, shrugged and began to walk away. "But I think he likes you."
XXX
So starts this whole big… charade, puzzle, mystery… but I would rather call it confusion.
I don't know what made me take Misao's words to heart, or what made me think about this matter. Perhaps I was just bored at that time, and Misao just happened to give me a good puzzle to solve…
"Any suggestion for the coming Mathematics Week?"
I was so deep in my thought that I almost fell off my chair when Mr. Takehara's voice suddenly boomed in my ears. I pretended to fix my sock to hide my embarrassment.
'Mou! This is sooo embarrassing!'
"I want you to write down your suggestions on a piece of paper. We can discuss it later." Mr. Takehara stated, checking his mobile phone and hastily stepping out of the room.
Well, at least I can kill some time. So I looked down on my notebook, only to realize that not a clean sheet is left for me to write my thoughts down. Every page of my notebook has something written in it, from sketches of some shounen manga hero to the name 'Tsubame' written with hearts all over…
'Damn Yahiko! I'm going to kill that brat! On the side note, who's this Tsubame?'
"Misao-chan… do you have a spare sheet of paper?"
Misao only shook her head, "I only asked a spare from Aoshi-sama. Sorry…"
"No problem." I smiled knowingly at my friend's blushing face – Hah! At last, something I'm 'knowing' about!
I was about to dig through my opened bag to get another notebook when suddenly a clean sheet of paper was placed neatly on top of my 'used' notebook.
"Here… you can use that."
All I do was to watch as He, the object of my confusion, went back to his seat as if nothing had just happened. How did he get here in the first place, anyway?
XXX
"So, you should observe him… but try not to show it to him." another friend of mine, Takani Megumi, told me when I chanced to find her online over the YM and told her of my current… predicament…
So 'observe him', I did. I really did… for a couple of days, weeks… I really don't know for how long… I just did.
I've known him for a long time now. I've known him even longer than I've known Misao… and Misao is my best friend.
Our parents have been friends for so long. But eventhough, that's the case, we never really got the chance to be… er… close. I was really a little… er… antisocial as a child. I hate going out, I love doing things at home. When I was young, the only friends I knew were Barbie Doll and the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Though we met a couple of times in the same neighborhood, we never really said our 'hi' nor our 'hello'. You can count the number of times that we even smiled at each other or acknowledge one another with a nod.
That is why, even though I have known him for a long time… I have never really gotten the chance to actually 'know' him. That is… until I started 'observing' him…
I always thought that he was the silent and antisocial type. The one that 'don't-mind-me-I-won't-mind-you' type of guy. PERIOD.
But I was totally mistaken.
Really, he's such a nice guy. He can be funny, smart, kind and a complete gentleman. It came as a complete shock for me. I saw how he would smile at other people, make jokes to make them laugh,…
I also found out how sweet he can be. One time, me and Misao happened to meet his older sister sitting in one of the stoops of our school's college building. Misao, being the ever cheerful and friendly one, greeted his older sister with a big smile.
"Hello, Sakura-san!" Misao said while I only bowed my head and smiled.
"Hello, Kaoru-chan… and… uhm…" Himura Sakura-san gave Misao an apologetic smile. You see, Sakura-san and Misao never really knew each other. It's just that Misao became excited when I noted why Sakura-san (Kenshin's older sister) was sitting all alone. She was really popular and… well, I just find it odd to find her… er… alone.
"Makimachi Misao, a friend of mine," I said, introducing my beaming friend Misao, "and Misao-chan… this is Himura Sakura-san. She's Himura Kenshin's older sister."
"Oh, Kaoru-chan… no need to be too formal with me." Sakura-san smiled at me fondly, "We're practically family!"
I could feel my face burning at that – with this growing confusion in my heart and everything, I couldn't help but blush…
"Why are you all alone, Sakura-san?" Misao asked, trying and miserably failing to hide her growing smirk.
"Oh… I'm waiting for Kenshin. He said he's going to pick me up."
"Eh? I thought Himura's sick. Kaoru-chan told me this morning." Misao blurted which made my face grow even hotter.
'Mou! I never told her that! I just heard from one of his classmates, then told her—' I shook my head… even my mind's been rebelling against me lately. But still – Misao doesn't need to make it sound like it was me who—
"Oh… he's got a cold. He's been sneezing all over the place," Sakura-san giggled, shaking her head, "But he's so stubborn. I told him that I can go home by myself but he keeps insisting that he can still drive."
"Aww… how sweet…" Misao practically swooned and Sakura laughed at my friend's antics.
"Don't you think so too, Kaoru-chan?" I could feel my face burning as Misao (quite victoriously at that) threw the question at me out of the blue. I could feel Sakura-san watching my reaction as well and I swear… I wouldn't be too surprise to find a trail of steam coming out of my ears right at that moment.
"Ahhh!! We have library duties, ne Misao-chan!" I practically squealed, nodding apologetically at Sakura-san before turning on my heels.
I could still hear Misao praising 'how sweet' and 'a nice guy Himura can be'. And when she threw the 'Don't you think so too?' question at me again, I walked even faster leaving my still swooning friend behind.
Because quite frankly… I silently swooned myself…
And honestly…
I think I'm starting to… I think I'm starting to l—
TOINKZ!
My head just collided with something hard. I looked down and was surprised to find a piece of chalk lying silently on my STILL clean sheet of paper.
'Damn… did Mr. Takehara just catch me daydreaming? Mou… this is sooo embarrassing!!' and for the umpteenth time that day, I felt my face burning.
"Sorry about that, Kamiya-san." Mr. Takehara said, rather sheepishly, "But I was aiming for Shimizu-san and Honda-san—" at that, he threw an annoyed look at the two snickering students seated behind me, "—pay attention, you two… or I'll have you clean the toilet for a week!'
This silenced Shimizu and Honda behind me. And this made me sigh in relief… 'At least… he was not able to catch me daydreaming… sigh… that will be very embarrassing…'
That's it! From now on, I won't let my mind wander… No more thinking of him! I will focus… must focus… will focus… need to fo— Eh?!
And there he was, smiling as he took that chance to discretely check his mobile phone. Mou! Why is he smiling for? Who's that message from?!
"Can it be?" I whispered to no one in particular as one possibility hits me like a thunder.
XXX
And so I observed him, catching him looking at me every now and then. Confused, but nevertheless, giddy at the fact that he was actually looking at me.
Maybe what Misao had once told me was not very far from the truth.
Maybe Kenshin did like me.
Maybe he just doesn't know how to approach me. Maybe he's just afraid that I might reject him…
Or maybe he's the… er… shy-type?
I smiled and found myself blushing with just the thought. The happy and giddy feeling back, more intensified than it was before…
Maybe this is what it feels to have – butterflies in your stomach, as they call it. Because everytime that I see him, I can't help but feel weird, confused… but all good and… complete. Yes… complete…
Just the sight of him was enough to make my day complete.
It makes me nervous everytime I happen to run into him in the school hallways, or in the cafeteria… anywhere…
And it makes me feel… refreshed… after a long and tiring day… whenever I catch him 'stealing glances of me' to quote Misao.
Maybe this is how if feels to be—
"Do you have a spare pen, Kaoru-chan?" Misao asked, once again interrupting my train of thought. I sighed and hastily gave her my pen, looking down at my still blank paper and pretending to be 'brainstorming'.
—I don't know…
All I know is that… At that stage, I thought I was certain.
I thought that I was certain… perhaps, Misao was right. Perhaps Misao's seemingly stupid assumptions of his intentions weren't as stupid as it seems…
…that was what it seems…
…until another confusion entered the picture…
XXX
I chanced to see him walking in the hallways all alone one fine Monday morning. And with me, and my newest… er… discovery… I tried to get the courage to at least greet him and say 'hi' and maybe talk to him for even just a short while. I mean… nothing's wrong with that, is there? We were 'practically family' anyways, to quote Sakura-san, right? I'm just trying to be friendly… no crime in that, right?
Putting on the best smile that I could manage, I watch him walk closer and closer while my mind silently rehearsed the words I was going to tell him.
He was very close now… a few more steps… a little more…
10…
9…
8…
7…
6…
5…
4…
3…
2…
When, all of the sudden, he turned! – Damn! Just when I had just perfected my great monologue! How dare you turn your back on me, you stupid, insensitive, insert nasty comment here, etc., etc. – Eh?!
I frowned as I noted a dark notebook lying silently on the floor. I bent to pick it up, reading his name written neatly on the first page of the said notebook. Sigh… he must have dropped this thing in his haste to go back to whatever it is he needed to get back too.
Yeah! The same reason you turned your back on me, you stupid, insensitive, insert nasty comment here, etc., etc.—hey, wait a minute!
I smiled, an idea forming, lighting a bulb in my head.
This is his notebook and his notebook is with me! That's it! I'll return his notebook, then maybe I can talk to him!
I am such a genius!
So, with the big smile back on my face, I stood up and turned to follow him. I saw him talking with some classmates of his before entering the staff room. I shrugged and leaned on the wall while waiting for him to come out. I was fanning myself with his notebook ('hey, it's hot!'), when all of the sudden, something came flying from his notebook. Something must be placed in between the pages.
I shrugged and picked up the fallen 'thing'…
… only to have the same 'thing' falling back to the floor, his notebook soon followed suit.
XXX
"Are you alright?"
I blinked as I found myself staring at Misao, wondering why she was standing right in front of my desk. I frowned – hey! A meeting is going on and it's impolite to stand while the meeting is in progress…
"Finished." the question must be very obvious in my face because Misao was now raising an eyebrow at me. I gave her a sheepish smile and started to gather my things.
"Anou… Kaoru-chan…" Misao said, and for some reason, she was blushing to the roots of her hair. Weird…
"I can't walk with you today." Misao said again, at my inquisitive stare, she continued, "Aoshi-sama invited me for dinner… I'm really, really sorry…" and she genuinely sounds like it.
Normally, I would start teasing her and making her blush even more. But today was not a normal day, and this last few days or even weeks, I was not feeling like my normal self. I only gave her a small smile, instead, "It's alright. I'm gonna be fine on my own."
"I treat you for ice cream tomorrow!" Misao said rather guiltily. I only nodded and watched as she followed Shinomori Aoshi out of the clubroom. I could only sigh – how I envy her…
XXX
'Happy Birthday, Kenny! – Lots of love from Tomoe'
Those words were neatly written on a picture that held him (you stupid, insensitive insert nasty comment here, etc., etc.,) and the girl I could only presume was this 'Tomoe'.
And have I mentioned how beautiful she looked in that picture? How they looked good toge—
Damn! Damn him! Damn her! Damn everything!
Mou! I'm damning a lot, aren't I?
Arghhh!!
Damn!
"Are you alright?" He asked, looking genuinely concerned (damn him!)
I don't know if I muttered a reply, I must have… but all I can remember was walking away, my bag suddenly felt a lot heavier on my shoulder than it was a moment ago.
Damn you…
I don't know what to feel…
Damn…
"Hey Kaoru-chan! Where are you going? We have club meeting today!" Misao, ignorant of all the events that had just happened for today, took me by an arm and led me to the club room.
'Club meeting? Great! Just great!'
We chanced upon him (damn him) on our way to the club room. Misao only giggled when He threw one worried look at my direction (damn you!).
Me and Misao took the seat on the third row, the one nearest the windows. And (to my irritation- damn it!) he took the one near ours on the fourth row.
The meeting went on with me damning a lot and Misao whispering every now and then how she could see him glancing my… er… OUR, yes OUR – meaning me and Misao, not only me, it includes Misao too – OUR direction…
Arghhh!
I felt stupid, I felt like banging my head on a nearby wall or even jumping out of the window (we're in the fourth floor, mind you… the fourth floor…). I felt like killing someone… 'Who is that 'Tomoe' anyway?!'
Mou! This is soooo stupid. Damn!
I slumped on my seat and glared at the board, tapping my pen rather angrily on my desk.
Why am I so angry about in the first place?! Mou! And who is that 'Tomoe' anyway?! Damn her! Damn you! Damn it! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I tsk-ed here and tsk-ed there and for sometime, Misao left her little 'Kenshin's-looking' mantra that I just found not so appealing anymore. She gave me a weird look, something that I totally ignored. I contined tapping my pen on my desk.
Is she a friend? Is she a neighbor… a neighbor, I never knew of?! Perhaps her family just moved and I was still sleeping during their welcoming party… Was she a daughter of a friend of his parents that is just not ME?! MOU!!
My pen made a rather more forceful collision with my desk. More forceful than I intended that the same pen was sent flying and landing on… er… his head with a soft thud.
He blinked, Misao stared, Mr. Takehara frowned and everybody turned.
"Er… that's my pen… sorry…" I muttered, picking up my fallen pen.
Well, that was indeed an accident (though I'm not really completely sorry about it…). I mean, I was never really intending to send my pen flying… to his head nonetheless! It was really an accident… it just seemed my pen…
I smirked – it seems that my pen's shared my sentiments. Very good, very good pen… from now on you're my favorite pen…
That's it! This is crazy! Just what kind of pen shared sentiments with its owner?! Do pens have sentiments to begin with?! Damn you!
The meeting ended before the idea that there is a meeting to begin with sunk in my head. Before I know it, Misao was urging me out of the room… rather more excitedly than she usually is (if that is even possible…).
"Isn't it sweet the way he keeps looking at you…" and Misao was on it again, much to my total displeasure. Of course she was not aware of the existence of this 'Tomoe'. Mou! Misao-chan, stop it already!
And just as before, he walked past us… but not like before, he stopped and turned to us, well, to me in particular.
"Are you sure you're alright? You look pale."
And that was the longest sentence that he had just said to me in a very long time…
XXX
"Are you alright? You look pale."
I blinked as I found him standing in front of me, looking as genuinely concerned as he had the first time he had asked me the same question a week ago. Yes, a good one week had passed since my discovery of the existence of this 'Tomoe'. I never mentioned it to anyone. Not to Misao, not to Megumi, and definitely not HIM!
"I'm fine." I managed to say, proud to say more calmly unlike the time a week ago when I only turned away from him and stomped my way home. I would have thrown a tantrum back then – but hey! I still got some dignity left in me… anyway.
"Are you sure?"
I frowned, surprised that he was still there. The Kenshin I know would normally have just walked past me and left me to my own devices.
"Aren't you supposed to be giving Sakura-san a ride home?" I replied, zipping my bag up, "Don't make such a fine lady wait for you. I thought you're a gentleman."
And yep… that's my mouth talking… without listening to my brain. Stupid mouth!
"You do?" he asked, looking very surprised at my little outburst. I felt hot all of the sudden. Mou! Just when I was trying to sound cool and all…
I never answered him though. I just shrugged and made my way out of the room. Just like the others have done, leaving me all alone with that –
And before I knew it, he took my bag and was now currently standing beside me, looking up at the ceiling.
'Man, just what is so interesting with the ceiling anyway?' I frowned, looking up at the ceiling too. But I can't see anything special in it, other than it's white.
"That's my bag." I sighed and finally gave up on trying to decipher the wonders of white ceilings.
"It's late. You shouldn't walk home alone." was what he said.
"And Sakura-san?"
"It's Tuesday." He turned to me and smiled, for some reason his face has a reddish tint. "Sakura doesn't have classes on a Tuesday, have you forgotten?"
"You make it sound like I know of her schedule!" I muttered, looking down to hide my embarrassment. Honestly!
I was about to give him a piece of his mind over some trivial matter like his sister's schedule when I found him missing beside me. Tilting my head a little forward, I found him a good two feet away now, heading for the staircase.
"Aren't you going home?" he turned to me, when he realized that I was not taking his lead. "C'mon, I'll drive you home."
It was times like this that I wish I have the power to read one's mind. Because right now, just this very moment, I'm willing to give everything just to know what's going on that stupid redhead's mind.
Even for a day… she's willing to trade her complete Death Note original DVD box set just to get inside his head right at this moment. Yes a day would be enough… a day would be enough to answer my questions, to straighten my confusions.
And maybe I'll get to know who's this 'Tomoe' girl is to him… then I can—
"Hey slowpoke!"
And did I just hear him calling me—?! Arghh!! Damn him! Damn it! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I don't know why he's nice to me one moment then pretend not to know me the next. I don't what he finds amusing in me to have him looking at my proximity whenever he thinks that I was not looking (well Misao is definitely looking, he failed to realize that). And I don't know who's this 'Tomoe' is to him, (Mou! Have I told you how pretty she is?).
"Hey walk faster, you slowpoke. I don't have all night."
I frowned and opened my mouth angrily at what he had just said. Didn't he or anyone in this world know how difficult it is to focus on your footing while your mind is drifiting, you stupid, insensitive insert nasty comment here, etc., etc.,…
And he smiled. Yes, he just smiled. And it was enough to send the butterflies back to life in my stomach.
And for the first time in a couple of days, I genuinely smiled…. at him, for him…
I'm still confused as to what his true intentions are. Sigh, I really want to read his mind right now. I want to read what's behind that smile… and why it can make me feel like this… sigh…
But at this moment, it doesn't matter.
I don't know if I'll ever find out what I am to him or what he feels for me. I don't know just how much more confusion my heart and my mind can take. I don't know if we'll ever be close, I don't know if we can ever be friends.
I don't know what the future holds.
But right at this moment, it doesn't matter.
For now, his smile is all that matters.
The End.
(or is it?)