Loneliness.
Oh I remember the time when loneliness was the thing on my mind. There was a time when there was no loneliness; it was my alone time with Roy. Then he asked me to marry him and I said yes…so we grew apart.
It's strange how an engagement can tell you so much about a man. He just figured, he has me all secured now and there is no way that he could lose me. So my loneliness began. I made the dinner, we never went out again. I was stuck catering for him and his football buddies, and then warehouse friends. But I never pushed him into marriage. I felt he needed his time and that if I pushed him I would lose him. I thought all guys were like him, once engaged they stopped caring. I figured that all guys were into football, afraid of commitment, and never appreciated the little things in life. Until I met Jim.
Jim reminded me of all the things that Roy wasn't. He cared about the little things, and noticed when I got a manicure or what I was playing on the computer. He remembered that my favorite yogurt flavor was mixed berry, and my favorite Sunchips flavor was French onion. Of course I never noticed that. I kept convincing myself that Roy was 'the one.' and the loneliness remained, unless of course I was in the office.
I began to paint in order to stop myself from being alone, in order to give me something to do. And I was the first one in the office in the mornings for the first time in my life. Just to stop the loneliness…but it didn't work, and the feeling remained. Unless I was in the office.
Then one day I almost ended it. My whole "perfect wedding" idea didn't exist to me anymore, and I almost did it. Of course it was then that Roy got into a fight with his football friends and began to spend time with me. He really isn't the bad person that he is made out to be. He isn't selfish or rude; in fact he is very sweet to me when he is not around his friends. He just isn't aware of other peoples' feelings.
I helped him make up with his friend, and afterwards began to think about dropping the engagement…again. But as if he knew what was going through my mind, he decided to set a date. And I loved him again. For a moment.
People think I didn't notice the hurt on Jim's face. But I did. And I wish that I could have felt bad, but I was too happy with Roy's choice. And Roy continued to talk to me, and the loneliness left me, and I was happy for another week. But then, the wedding planning began and I felt lonely again. Roy wasn't around and I was planning a wedding for just myself. I needed him, but he wasn't around. So I did it alone, and Jim made me laugh through it. And I almost didn't need Roy anymore.
And I contemplated leaving him, and it almost happened. But then I remembered how sweet he was, and how it wasn't his fault he was Roy, and I didn't do it.
Casino night came and I forgot loneliness once more. I played with Jim and Roy again and felt like a kid. I had my two boys and I felt so full. But then Roy went home, and I was fine with that until Jim told me what I had wanted to hear not so long ago. And just like that I didn't feel full anymore. I didn't feel lonely either…I just felt torn. This gave me my chance to forget about Roy and my happily ever after. But I couldn't, especially after all the fun I had just had with him. And then he kissed me, and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so loved. But I couldn't…not now. I didn't even know if what I felt for him was love.
He left and I felt like I left too. And this time loneliness hit me hard, and even work didn't stop it and I finally ended it. I finally ended what made me feel how I did, and I felt good. Lonely, but good. I began taking art classes to stop the loneliness, and did little things that would take my mind off of Jim. And then he came back looking very much in love with Karen, and I was happy for him. Still lonely but happy, for him and that he was back.
Then one day after art class in the community center, I passed by a room with an open door. I stood by and listened for a bit. The leader of the class was talking about feeling good and what it truly takes. And I listened in. I began to eat better like the teacher had said…but that was about it. Until beach day.
The class I had listened in on spoke about letting go, and speaking only truths. And as my coworkers stepped away from the coals I looked deep into them. And somehow I saw my anger reflected back at me. I saw my hatred towards Karen and Michael and Roy…but what surprised me most was that I saw hatred towards myself. And then I heard the teacher's words replaying in my head, over and over…telling me to let go. And I did. I let go and I ran through the coals and I didn't stop there. I told the truth, and I felt good. The next day at work, nothing stopped me. I felt good and I wasn't a wallflower any longer. My coworkers saw me, and I ate well, and I even dressed to make myself feel better. And my loneliness was almost gone.
But there was still something missing, there was always something missing. And I couldn't feel good yet. And then it happened, the final step. Jim asked me out, and we had dinner and I finally felt what I had always wanted to feel. The one thing that stopped me from feeling good was over. I didn't feel lonely from that day to now, where I sit writing this story as Mrs. Jim Halpert. I remember when I was engaged to Jim, I was afraid that he would be afraid of commitment, that he would be another Roy. But all that is over, because he really is something special, he's different than Roy. Because he made me lonely no longer.