A/n: This is an installment to the Kidnapped Socks collection of oneshots. This is dedicated to my friend Megan (megomyeggo) who has a birthday today (7/28)!! I hope you have a very happy birthday Megan and I love you! You are a wonderful friend and savior!
"Now remember…no bringing out photos, no interrogating him, and for God's sake please don't physically harm him in any way. The last thing I want is my father getting charged with assault to my boyfriend. Just be calm. It will be okay."
The young woman finished her sentence and nervously wrung her hands together. She was nervously awaiting her new boyfriend's arrival, and was very pessimistic that her father could handle this maturely. She glanced at her mother, who was anxiously fluffing the couch cushions. Her father was staring at the wall with deep concentration etched on his face.
"Wait, wait, wait," His voice had a sharp edge of panic, "Colette, you make is sound as if there's a reason I might have to assault him! Oh my God! You're dating a convict aren't you? Aren't you?" He jumped out of his chair and gently grabbed his fifteen year old daughter by the shoulders.
"Don't you worry, Lettie. We won't let him hurt you anymore. It's okay. Daddy is here." He brought his confused daughter in his arms. She angrily pushed away and turned to her mother.
"Holy shit, mom! He's insane! He's gone completely off his rocker!"
"I told you meeting this boy might just push him off the edge." Her mother said. She glanced at her husband, who was looking at his daughter as if she'd just crushed all his hopes and dreams. She took his hand and squeezed it.
"Jake, honey, this will be okay. Steve is not a convict. He is a nice young man, and you will get along fine with him."
Jake glanced at his wife, and let the voice of reason overcome him. He breathed in slowly.
"Okay. You're right. This will be okay. All I have to do is be calm. Be calm and collected. I can do th—"
The high pitched sound of the doorbell stopped him mid-sentence. Colette nervously walked to the front door as her mother eased Jake into a chair.
"Miley," He whispered, his voice strained, "I'm having a stroke."
She smoothed his hair back, "No you aren't. You are having a panic attack. They are entirely different."
The young boy came into their view. He was a solid six foot three with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. Miley took the time to note how kindly he gazed at her daughter, while all Jake took notice of was the way the boy's arm was around his daughter's waist.
"If I die from a panic attack can he be charged with manslaughter?" Jake hissed, his tone pleading.
Miley sighed and ignored her husband's inquiry.
"Hello, Steve. I'm Miley, and this is my husband Jake. We are very pleased to have you in our home." She shook his hand politely. She turned to Jake who was sulking in the blue armchair.
"Jake. Come shake his hand." She said, her voice stressed. He crossed his arms and turned away.
"Can't make me."
Miley turned back to her daughter and her boyfriend. She smiled.
"Why don't we all just take a seat?"
Colette grabbed her boyfriend's hand and steered him to a seat as far away from her father as she could manage. She placed him in the armchair across from her father's, and sat beside her mother on the couch.
Miley opened her mouth to start a conversation, but her husband beat her to the chase.
"What's your name boy?" He asked hatefully.
Colette and Miley glared at Jake.
The boy shifted nervously under his girlfriend's father's glance.
"Steve Jordan, sir." He said politely.
Jake leaned forward in his chair.
"I knew a Steve once."
"Oh." Steve nodded, "Cool."
"It most certainly was not cool! You want to know what Steve did? Hm? Steve kidnapped teenage girls and made them pose in nude Internet portfolios. Do you think the exploitation of a minor is cool, Mr. Jordan?" Jake screamed.
"Sweet Jesus." Colette moaned underneath her breath.
Miley sighed in exasperation.
Steve was at a loss for words.
"I….uh…of course not, sir! I just meant that it was cool that you knew another man named Steve."
Jake looked away. His eyes landed on the pictures of his daughter on the mantelpiece. He remembered her at five, such a sweet child. He was not going to let any boy take his daughter away or hurt her.
"I want you to know, Steve, that I have friends in high places. I know men in the CIA. And with the snap of a finger I can have your records in front of me. I can ask them to trail you. And you won't be able to buy a pack of gum without me knowing about it." Jake threatened.
Steve wiped his sweaty hands against his pants. He couldn't remember ever being so frightened in his life.
Jake stood up slowly from his chair. Colette and Miley watched him anxiously, expecting the worst.
"Where are you taking my daughter tonight, bucko?" Jake hovered over the boy.
He gulped, "W-We are going to the m-movies."
"You were going to the movies."
"What?" Colette cried.
Jake turned to her, "The theater is dark. The perfect opportunity for Stevo here to take advantage of you."
"I would never!" Steve argued, his voice raising.
"You better hope not. Because I know a dog named Otis. And Otis has two rows of extremely sharp teeth. Teeth so sharp that your skin would slice away like rice paper. Otis is our family dog here, and he loves Colette. And if I told him to attack you, you'd be going home in a matchbox."
Colette cut in, "He's kidding, Steve. Our dog would never kill anyone."
Jake strolled over to the mantel.
"Sure. Think I'm kidding. We'll see who has the last laugh," He turned to Steve, his eyes hard, "Ha. Ha. Ha."
"Colette, your dad is scaring me." Steve said, his voice high with fright.
"Don't worry about him, honey. He scares everyone." Miley said, smiling nicely at the frightened teen. She stood up and walked over to Jake, looking over her shoulder and smiling at Steve the whole walk.
She faced Jake.
"Stop it! You are being ridiculous!"
He pointed a finger at her.
"You said it'd be alright! You said I wouldn't go insane! I feel like the freaking Hulk, only less large and more handsome!"
She stroked his hair and smiled calmly at him.
"Don't worry. Remember how well-behaved my dad managed to stay when you took me on a date? Just act like him. Nothing happened to me. And nothing will happen to Colette."
Jake's eyes widened, and his face turned red with fury.
"No, something did happen to you! Oh my God!" His breathing became labored, "This boy is going to perform sexual acts on our daughter! I'm going to pass out! Lights…fading…Look! I see God! Hello God!" Jake swayed on his feet, "No wait…that's not God…oh shit."
Miley shook him. He stared unfocused at the fireplace.
"Jake, stop it. Stop being such a freak. Stop!"
"Hello grandma! I haven't seen you in a while! You died so suddenly! It's good to see you again!"
Miley slapped her husband across the face.
"Snap out of it! You do not see your grandmother, and you are not dying! Get a grip! You baby!"
He jerked out of his hallucination and stared at his angry wife.
"Sorry. For a moment there I was in a better place."
She narrowed her eyes, "I thought you were in Hell."
He nodded, "As I said, a better place."
"Wait if you were in Hell how were you talking to your grandmother?"
His eyes filled with fear, "You obviously never knew the woman."
She laughed in spite of herself and shook her head.
"Please, Jake. Just be as normal as you can manage. Please."
He sighed.
"I will try."
They started to walk back over to where their daughter and Steve were talking. Miley stopped him.
"Why were you in Hell? What did you do?"
He smirked at her, "It's not what I did. It's what we did."
She thought for a moment and decided that was very plausible.
They took their respectable seats.
"I'm sorry about that. Jake wasn't feeling too well." Miley said, shooting a stern glance at her husband. Colette coughed and Steve cowered back in the seat in fear.
"Well we'll just be going now. The movie starts soon." Colette said, standing up. Steve jumped out of his chair.
"Yes. Let's go." He made a beeline for the door. Jake opened his mouth to stop him, but decided against it. He was trying to be a mature father.
However, something caught his eye.
"Wait!" He screamed out.
The boy froze. Miley cursed under her breath. Colette started to pray.
"Are you….do you not….where are your socks?" Jake asked incredulously, staring at the boys sock-less feet.
"Holy hell," His wife muttered underneath her breath, "Only Jake could turn this into something about socks."
Steve, not knowing about Jake's sock obsession, answered truthfully. He obviously had not seen his girlfriend frantically shaking her head at him.
"Socks? I hate socks with a passion that burns me like a thousand suns. They are such a needless apparel object. Not to mention they get in the way when you are trying to undress quickly."
Both Colette and Miley knew the explosion was coming. But poor Steve, not living with Jake, had no idea.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Jake exploded, jumping out of his seat, "Socks are wonderful! They bring luck! And you don't need to be undressing quickly with my daughter unless someone accidently slams into you with their car and the ER doctor needs your clothes off quickly! In fact, you don't need to be taking anything off with my daughter! You need to keep your hands off her! She's my daughter, not your toy! She's staying here!"
Jake took his daughter by her arm and pulled her over beside him. Steve was so scared he was afraid he was going to pee his pants. Miley was laughing, and Colette was shaking with fury. She jerked her arm away.
"You have mental problems, dad! Major ones! If you weren't my dad and I didn't love you I'd commit you to the crazy house right away! Now I am going to the movies with Steve, and I want you to apologize to him!!"
Jake was having a great idea form in his head as he tried to get his breathing back to normal from his outburst. He grinned slyly, and his wife immediately knew he was about to do something devious.
"I will apologize and let you guys stay out until eleven on one condition."
Colette gaped at her father. Eleven?! That was a dream come true! She was lucky to get until eight!
"Sure! Anything!" She jumped at the chance.
Jake help up a finger in waiting, and sprinted to the laundry room. After his lucky socks were viciously torn away from him in a tornado, he had begun to rebuild his lucky sock collection. Now all his new lucky socks had holes in them and the colors were so light that they all almost looked white. Just last week Miley had tried to buy him new ones but he rejected them. They weren't like his new lucky ones.
He had made sure to keep his lucky socks in the lime green laundry basket, and his reject socks in the red basket. He grabbed the red laundry basket and laughed evilly. He took off in a sprint to the living room. When his wife saw him appear with the basket, she snickered. Colette groaned.
"Dad! Please don't bring out the socks."
Her dad was infamous for gushing about how his socks were lucky to anyone that would listen.
He sat the laundry basket on the floor in front of Steve.
"I will treat you like a human being if you put every single one of these songs onto your feet."
Colette gasped, and Steve laughed.
"Uh…what?" He asked, laughing still.
Jake glared, "You really don't want me to prove I'm not making a joke, do you?"
Steve gulped and reached for the basket. Jake nodded in encouragement. Steve pulled off his shoes, exposing his bare feet.
"Go on." Jake said.
Steve plunged his shaking hand in the basket and wrapped his fist around a pair. He pulled them on. Pair after pair disappeared as he layered them on his feet until the basket was finally empty. Steve's feet were so huge that Jake was sure that one of them was two times bigger than his daughter's head.
"Alright, Steve. You're free to go."
Steve hesitated, "Seriously?"
Jake nodded, "Yes. Go on. Have fun kids."
Colette stood up and extended a hand. Steve grasped it and she helped pull him unsteadily to his feet. He rocked and rolled on his socked feet. Miley watched in humor as they teeter-tottered out of the house.
Miley waited until she heard the car door shut to say anything.
"That was a nice thing to do, Jake. I'm glad you are breaking ties."
She hid a smile by taking a sip of her tea. Jake looked at her, confusion coloring his expression.
"I'm not breaking ties with Colette! There's no way that boy can do anything with her. He wouldn't even be undressed by three AM with all those socks he's wearing." Jake smiled in achievement.
Miley shook her head slowly and set her tea down.
"No…I mean breaking ties with your lucky socks. I have to say it was getting beyond ridiculous for a while."
Jake froze.
"No, no, no. Those weren't my lucky socks. That was the stupid socks you bought me!" He said sharply, looking at her.
She frowned, "No, Jake. That was the red basket. The red basket had your lucky socks. Didn't you see how many holes were in those socks when he was putting them on? The lime green basket had the ones you rejected."
"NO! NO, NO, NO!" He howled, "THE RED HAD THE REJECTS! I KNOW IT!! RED IS FOR EVIL PSYCHOPATHIC REJECTS LIKE THOSE STUPID REJECT SOCKS!!"
"I'm so sorry, baby."
"No!!" He raced out of the room only to return carting the lime green basket.
He pulled the socks out. And sure enough, they were all brand new.
"No!!" He cried, "How could I let this happen? I could have sworn the red had the new! No, no, no! I'm so stupid!"
He laid his head in his hands.
"This may not be the best time to point this out," She started carefully, "But you just gave your daughter's boyfriend your lucky socks."
Jake brought his head up, "I know that!" He moaned miserably.
She took another sip of her tea.
"Those socks are the reason Ella and Connor were brought into this world, if you get my drift." She looked meaningfully at him.
Jake was out of his seat so fast Miley never saw him leave it.
"Damn it!"
He flew out of the house and started chasing down the car he would probably never reach. Once Miley was sure he was down the driveway, she picked up the laundry basket. She was surprised at how heavy it was, but knew she'd be able to handle it. After all, she had been strong enough to switch the lucky socks from the lime green basket to the red.
She laughed menacingly.
"If only he knew how sane he really was."