WARNING!!! Some of this material may be very offensive!! Material hinting to the Holocaust and towards homosexuality will be made. Ok, now you can read it. R&R.
1990-1991 Magic School Charter
Written with the consent and guidance
of
Headmaster Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
RULES
No talking in class unless given permission to do so by your teacher
No talking back or any other acts of disrespect towards the staff
No magic outside of the school unless given special permission by the headmaster
No fighting
No cheating
No note passing in class
No doing homework in class
Socializing will only be tolerated during breaks between classes
No asking questions
No requesting extra help in a subject
Follow curfew and dress code
No loitering
No public displays of affection until after 6 pm or on weekends
No edible substances in class; snortable, injectable, and substances for potions are, however, permitted
No indigo nail polish
No unnecessary hand motions
No swearing unless it is in one of the following languages:
Swedish
Portuguese
Yugoslavian
Dwarfism
(This is strictly to insure that no fowl language will be incorporated into any spells)
All females will be required to obtain and maintain a weight of at least 150 lbs., so that there will be a higher level of concentration from the males of Magic School
No animals under 10 lbs. are allowed out of their dormitories (this does include mammals, birds, reptiles, all sea life, and German sports cars of all makes)
Boys are not allowed to visit girls dormitories; girls, however, may visit the boys dormitories, so long as it is done between the hours of six and seven pm
Even if in dormitories, no one is to participate in the acts of sex on the days of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday
Any pornography is not to leave the owners room unless it is taken directly to the locker rooms of the owners respective gender
Any and all Harry Potter books found will be confiscated, torn to shreds, and burnt!! Wands are not for spell casting or any supernatural purpose!!
When around females, boys are not permitted to be:
Kind
Chivalric
Sweet
Charming
Funny
Flirtatious
Or good-intentioned
This is to help the females stay concentrated on their schoolwork, not because Magic School is against homosexuals. (Note: When around Headmaster Hitler, it is mandatory that boys show all of these qualities, therefore it is only when around the Headmaster that this rule loses its authority)
All boys wands are to stay in pockets during school hours (unless, again, around Headmaster Hitler)
No whispering on Thursdays
No visiting the Easter Bunny!!
If you come across a glowing peacock anywhere in the vicinity of the North Wing, do not make eye contact and do exactly as the peacock instructs. That is, as long as you want to keep your Cheese Its.
Do all your work, eat quickly, guard your shoes, and listen to the men with the guns, and you should do fine here
Other Unacceptable Conduct
No bullying!! This includes: Name calling, hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, gossiping, threatening, advice giving on ways to commit acts of self-harming, and rubbing (All of this, and more, is to be applied to online usage as well. Especially the rubbing)
No sexual harassment!! This includes unwanted: Kissing, squeezing, STD transferring, and slapping, ass and otherwise. Anything else- such as licking, shooting, squirting, and rubbing- is permitted. (Please note that teachers are permitted to slap a student on the ass as a way of saying "good luck" or "extra credit" or "this is the beginning of your next assignment")
Dress Code
Boys
No piercing or other types of body-jewelry is allowed above the waste, excluding the nipples
No baggy pants for boys under the age of 14
Tight pants are mandatory for boys between the ages of 10 and 13
The wearing of chains will only be tolerated if you are a certified Jewish Gangster
Short shorts are mandatory on Fridays
Silly hats only; violators will be bitch-slapped
The remaining rules will be determined by the Headmaster at a later time
Girls
Baggy pants are mandatory on Fridays (unless you are an atheist)
Skirts, if worn, should be no longer than 6 inches (unless you are an atheist)
Dangly jewelry is acceptable if it is longer than 10 inches and wider than 4 inches (unless you are an atheist)
Short-sleeved shirts are not allowed!! (unless you are an atheist)
Hair must be no longer than 12 inches and no shorter than 5 inches (unless you are an atheist)
If you are an atheist, please resort to the rules for transvestites and cross-dressers
Transvestites and Cross-dressers
You must wear only sweatshirts, sweatpants, and laboratory goggles, unless of course your name is Bill, Fred, Bob, Jonathon, or Shellie (unless you are an atheist)
If you are an atheist, please resort to the rules for girls
Curfew
You are to be in your dormitory by 8 pm
You are not to leave your dormitory before 6 am
Rules do not apply to shape shifters
Any who disregard the rules of curfew will be dealt with by the Headmaster in his private chambers unless you are a girl, in which case you will be expelled
Happy Hour
A mandatory activity for boys set between and for the entire length of time between the hours of 4 and 5 pm where said boys will find a partner (or group of 3) and grind to oldies music.
And finally…
Classes
Mandatory Classes (required because the elves said so)
History of magic
Magical tools and artifacts
Spell casting
Demonology
Potions/Herbology
Why
Harry Potter SUCKS!!
Electives (not required because the unicorns like pickles)
Dead Languages of the Middle East
Mastering Your Passive Power
The Source: a history of DOOM! (A collection of in-depth autobiographies by past Sources and their lovers)
The Power of Three (and then some)
Art
Band
Home Economics
Technology
Gymnastics
Thinking 101
Nap Time
Lego's and their multiple uses
How not to play Twister (For boys between the ages of 10 and 14, and girls, only. Anyone else who would like to participate may take this course as a zero period)
Thank you,
We hope to see you this fall!
Staff of Magic School
Again, sorry if I've offended anyone in any way. R&R pleeeease!