PROLOGUE
Underneath IMPULSIVE Reflections
"You can fall in love in an instant. It's letting go that takes time."
Behind every great man there's a surprised woman. Surprised that the man they pledged their life to turned out to be someone exclusively different. The most blissful marriage I can imagine to myself, would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. Then each could live joyfully. Harsh I know, but it's a harsh world when marriage comes into action. The most challenging thing about marriage is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can." For some it's easy, for me it was difficult. Marriage is like one long conversation, checkered with disputes.
My husband— Let me correct myself, my ex-husband, is a lawyer. He brought home divorce cases all the time, if and when he did come home. We use to sit, laugh about it, and say "That will never be us". No one's laughing now. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
You see, I married a man whose lifelong dream was to be a professional basketball player, and he was fantastic at basketball, I give him that. We fit so well back then. I remember every time he made that game winning shot, he would point my way, give me the famous trademark smirk, and wink at me. My heart would always flutter, my stomach would have butterflies, and my cheeks would flush. Girls would hate me while flaunting themselves on him. I tried not to be insecure, but sometimes it was really hard. All the girls were beautiful and I was just, simple. He convinced me every day that there was nothing to be worried about because he only had eyes for me. I don't know what went wrong.
When we first met, he was wild, free, outgoing, talented, intelligent, witty, arrogant and he always kept me wanting more. He went to a camp called Highflyers, for admirable gifted basketball players, for 3 months during the summer, and I waited for him, but when he hurt his knee while at the camp, it stopped him from pursuing his lifelong dream. He took all his animosity out on me. Although it wasn't with words it was more with actions, but he won't admit that.
He searched in and out for what else he was great at. He wanted to be something, he wanted to be extraordinary. He was never one to sit and let things take its course. He was never one to fail. He would always make things happen, he never gave up. He knew if he couldn't play basketball there was something bigger and better out there for him.
His father gave him a job while he was unemployed and like a good spouse I stood by his side. He was great at advocating especially with me. He won every disputation in his debate class, so he told me anyway. We didn't go to the same high school, I graduated when I was 16 but you'll hear my story a little later. One day it hit him, he wanted to be an attorney-at-law. At first no one took him seriously, but like a good spouse I did. He was out to prove to his family and friends his solemnity of wanting to be a lawyer. Now this idea didn't just happen overnight, he contemplated it through and through for weeks before he officially gave a speech to his family. He felt it to be his calling. It's weird; usually people hear their callings when they're children. Well I guess you could call us children at the time.
Anyway, he learned the value of gaining insight into what a lawyer actually does; however, it was somewhat of a superficial view of the legal profession. His father knew lawyers so he frequently talked with them and watched them in court. He highlighted the excitement and overlooked the real complexity, difficulty, and demands of the job. He watched television shows dealing with lawyers, learning they actually perfected the superficial view of the legal profession. I was there throughout the whole process. Listening to his debates, watching him in his serious notion, but never once did I get a thank you for putting up with his crap.
People thought he was crazy, I thought he was crazy, but I still stuck by his side. Some said his father paid his way through, but most know he worked very hard to get where he's at today.
He was one of those people that truly enjoyed learning and who strived to do all that he could with his work.
With the help of me, he graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA. Went to Harvard and like a good spouse I put my dreams on hold, and followed him to Cambridge Massachusetts. Maybe it wasn't the best decision to leave all I knew behind. Two horny teens, 609 miles away from our home, need I say more….
There he became an alumnus of Harvard University. We lived there for 7 years in a small apartment with our kids. Yes we started young, it wasn't the best decision, but hey having sex with him is like Pringles, once you pop one you can't stop. After our first child we swore not to have sex until we were older, and ready for the responsibilities. Yeah, that plan failed. It's sad to say but all of my pregnancies were an in the moment thing. We didn't plan any of them. We were too naïve, young, and stupid to listen to our parents when they gave us 'Sex has consequences speech'. And protection…well we used it occasionally, and birth control, I took it for a year and still got pregnant… Now we have 7 bad ass kids.
Now I don't advise teens to go out and have sex, but if you knew him you'd understand. If you looked at him, you'd understand. If you'd glance at his face, lips, and eyes, you'd understand. If you listened to his tantalizing voice you'd understand. If you touched him or even came near him...you get my drift. He oozes temptation and desire. It's as if he has love potion number 9 sprayed all over him. He can't help it, he was born perfect.
He was intelligent, and he worked hard. You see everyone's smart if they apply themselves and that's what he did. Previously when basketball was all he had, he didn't take education seriously, because he knew he really didn't need to. He was prominent, gifted, and teachers sucked up to him because they were fans of the Ravens basketball team. He was going to be a huge basketball star and play for some huge all star team, but that didn't happen. So he had to learn to utilize his brain. There were no disputes about it. He graduated at the top of his class and won many awards. He was in the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper for being one of the youngest most distinguished people in the small town of Tree Hill to do something big with their life. To actually accomplish something after having his actual intent crushed. He was on TV and like a good spouse I stood by his side.
Once he was known in the public he was pulling clients left to right. So we moved back to Tree Hill, where he became the youngest most famous lawyer in Charlotte, North Carolina. It was like a dream. He opened up his own law firm and brought in clients from all over the world. It didn't hurt the fact that he spoke 3 different languages either. He often traveled a lot too.
In his spare time, we had sex, he played golf, or he hung out with 'the guys'. That basically consisted of working out, watching sports, clubbing, and playing basketball. At the time it seemed like a corrupt fairytale. A smart rich yet arrogant guy in love with a Plain Jane who fell head over heels for him in return and took care of his kids. Back then you could have called me 'The Stepford Wife'. There's a difference between being in love and falling head over heels. Being in love is effortless. Falling head over heels is painful.
"The education of lawyers never ends because they must constantly be aligned of information which may be of use to the client." Those very words I heard from him all the time. That was his excuse for not coming home. You see, he became so drained in his work and glory he forgot about his family. The family we spent years building, or I should say I spent years building. We were married by a judge, we should've have asked for a jury.
We got married so young. I was 16 and he was 17. We thought nothing could go wrong. I never really had a chance to discover who I was. Now I have that chance. He screwed up. I've convinced myself it was something that had to be done. I simply grew up, learning that nothing lasts forever. If there was one thing I'm still learning, it's that love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
This was my choice.
The hardest part about this is the kids, stuck in the middle. Seeing the disappointment on their faces is painful.
I have 6 siblings. I guess it was always destined for me to have a big family. My mom started young too. She was a mature 15 year old teenager struggling to take care of a child when she was still a child herself. We don't know much about my older sister, Vivian's father, just that he died in a car crash. When she was 16, my mom became a stripper, which paid practically nothing. My mom and Vivian lived in a series of nasty apartment complexes from what I heard. That's until she met Quinn's father when she was 18 at a café. He was rich and she was the waitress working as a stripper part time. He was a diviner; he didn't seem to mind my mom had a kid. He was rich, aristocratic, a gentleman, and he found my mom to be quite captivating. They got married 3 months later. His family didn't agree, they were in love, and nothing around them mattered.
Quinn's father died from lung cancer a year after Quinn was born, leaving my mom with a large inheritance. She was devastated, but the inheritance helped her heal. She moved into a wealthy area in Beverly Hills, California, got a job as a reception lady for a top marketing firm, and wooed every guy that came into the office.
Two years later, she had a one night stand with a man she met at a bar, got pregnant with twins, Adam and Taylor, and moved to Nevada.
One year later she married again, got pregnant with my brother Jason, and then divorced. I don't know why…something about committing adultery, though she didn't say which one.
Two years later, still working at the same firm, she married my father, whom was a wealthy stock broker. A few months later I was born. My mom divorced my father because he had an affair with his business partner, who happened to be a man. She divorced him for irreconcilable differences, got full custody of me, along with appealing for a mental irretrievable breakdown due to trauma from the affair. From what I heard he didn't object to any of the conditions. I guess it didn't matter that he couldn't see me. She succeeded and walked away with half a million dollars. I never met him…I was a baby when they divorced. My mom said she didn't want me to suffer the same pain she did. So I never asked.
One year later she married a doctor named Ethan James in Cleveland. Ethan James adopted Vivian, Quinn, Taylor Adam, and Jason and I. He took us under his wing and we grew up knowing him and only him as our father. Yes, my brothers and sisters had come across plenty of men claiming to love us, but none of them showed it like Ethan James did. We took his name, and as I grew up I became a daddy's girl. When I became a teen, I compared every guy I dated to my dad. I wanted a guy to love me and be a real man like my dad, be a man of admirable exploits. None of them were like my hero, not even my ex-husband.
We all moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, because my dad decided to open up his own physician practice. Two years after the move, my mom divorced Ethan James for irreconcilable differences. It hurt us all but my mom said the 'fire burned out for her'. A couple of months later, my mom, my siblings, and I moved into a mansion in Tree Hill with 8 bedrooms, each one of us having our own chamber.
The good thing about Ethan was even though he divorced my mom, he didn't divorce us. He actually stayed around and picked us all up on the weekend to stay with him. That's why I never cried. He came to every school event. He smiled at us, even when there was nothing to smile about.
It's amusing many divorces are not really the result of hopeless injury, but involve, instead a desire on the part of the man or woman to shatter the setup. Start out from scratch alone, and make life work for them all over again. They want the risk of disaster, want to touch bottom, see where bottom is, and, come-up to breathe the air with relief and relish again. It was hard for us to accept not being able to live in the same house with both parents. We became half a family and half lonely. Divorce is like two lions in a den attacking each other. You know somebody is going to get hurt real bad. All kids can do is sit behind a window and watch it happen.
Growing up with 6 siblings was stormy so I know how my kids feel. We all had different personalities and characteristics that clashed. We all thought different, talked different, had opposite natures, tempers, outlooks on life. At the same time we kept each other whole and we all got along. Especially Jason and I, we were the closest, probably because we're the babies. We all agreed on one thing though, the love we had for our dad.
Growing up, my mother pushed me to prosper in everything I did. It was weird, out of all the kids she could have picked on, she chose me, the baby of the family. I was the golden child; however it seemed everything I did wasn't good enough. My mother would always find something wrong, even when I did something faultless. She tore every aspect about me down. From my hair to my clothes, my face to my physique. I had to wake up every morning and go running with her just to stay fit. When I was tired, I had to run longer. I dated all the guys she told me to date, except HIM.
I remained academically perfect. I passed every star test with a perfect score, graduated early, and it still wasn't good enough for her. Nothing was good enough to please her. She was rarely home, always off trying to save the world, but when she was home I definitely had hell to pay. My older siblings moved out and on with their lives as fast as they could, or simply just moved in with our dad. I couldn't, I didn't have the strength to fight my mom. Jason and I were left alone with the woman who controlled every aspect of our lives. She made us feel inferior and she never said sorry about anything…like him.
When I got pregnant at the age of 16, my mom was disappointed; she ignored me, acted as if I didn't exist. I was no longer the golden child, but instead the subordinate child. I moved in with my dad after I had a colossal fight with my mom. I haven't talked to my mom for 13 years.
My dad was disappointed, but he supported me. My dad, along with his parents, paid for everything, and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. We lived solely off our parents, with our parents. So we became two irresponsible teens and had more emotional sex. We didn't see the big deal. When you're in love, you become blinded by passion. You lose sight to reality and shit happens. When our second child was born we set out on our own and reality soon hit us...as the years went by we grew apart. Soon after, we divorced. I became a single parent.
It was really hard finding a job that paid well, and understood I was a single parent taking care of 7 kids.
I got fired twice because of my obligations to my children. I had finally found the right job at Belle Magazine as a publication editor where I'm still working now. I work well under pressure and I always make the deadlines. It isn't exactly my dream job, but it works. I learned to be the best from my father. I get paid very well and I still have time for my kids. When I have to work over time or any moment I need help, I just call my dad, my siblings or my cousin Peyton. They are always willing and ready to support me and my kids.
I promised I would never marry to get divorced, and put my kids through that, but I have, and it's not a good feeling at all, especially at the age of 31. I'm still inexperienced, but I also promised to never be like my mom, and I still haven't broken that promise. I guess that's worth something.
~*~
I never intended to hurt her. I never intended to cause her pain. I never intended to be a dead beat father like my dad...but I am, I am all those things. I Nathan Scott am a failure for the second time in my life. The first time was basketball. I quit, you see I hurt my knee away at camp. The injury wasn't that severe, I could've continued to play, but I didn't, I gave it all up. My mother called and said Haley was in labor with our second child. I didn't want her to be alone. I wanted to be there. So I came home, I lied to everyone and said I couldn't play anymore. Substantially she believed me. I had to choose between my dream career as an all star basketball player or being a man. I chose to be a man. I knew either road I took, I'd regret my decision. I guess that's why I am the way I am now, I blame her, I blame our love. It's too strong to deal with.
Then I found another career…My back up career.
I'm a lawyer and I'm great at it. I work all types of cases. I help the bad guys loose and the good guys win. I help the bad guys win and the good guys loose. I guess that's why I'm worshiped by all. All the fame, women, and money should make me happy, but I'm not. I don't have what I really want...my family.
I drained myself in my glory. I pulled away from Haley and our kids. I thought everything was fine, I thought not being home all those times was okay, but it wasn't. I thought clubbing with the guys was okay even though I had many kids, but it wasn't.
I grew up so fast. I just wanted to be young again. I wanted to experience the youth of having no responsibility, I guess that's why I pulled away and put all the capability on her. I didn't want to deal with stability.
The moment I realized I need to man up, was the morning Haley and our kids caught me in an uncompromising situation. That's why I didn't go after her, I needed to think. It was selfish, but I felt horrible. What could I say to my kids, how could I explain. They already hated me. I would've made it worse by going after them.
I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could change things, but I know it's not possible. What's done is done. I never thought in a million years she'd be the one serving me with divorce papers. In the back of my heart I still had hope that things would work out. I always knew things were getting crooked between us, but I loved her and I didn't want to let her go. I didn't fight for her, but I stayed married to her, doesn't that count? I guess that's the inner child talking because in the adult word whenever you have hope, there comes a downfall soon after.
She didn't raise 7 kids she raised 8, including me. I mean we were so young when we got married. She did what was right. I did what my heart longed for. When we got divorced she did what her heart longed for, I did what was right. I guess it's ironic.
We were in love, but I think it wasn't enough. Why are marriages so complicated, why are women so complicated, probably because men like me. We make them that way, we hurt them, we act as if their some type of possession. We treat them like shit. We don't acknowledge all they do and go through for us. I do know one thing with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes the truth…The truth that nothing lasts forever.
She said I forgot the promise I made years ago to her and our family, and I did. In all honesty I can't remember the promise, but I won't admit that to her. Maybe that's where the problem is. I don't understand why. Hell I'm the most successful lawyer there is. I worked hard to get where I'm at and she knows that. I guess it's something I'll never understand. She broke her promise to me too, she promised to always stick by my side and now look where we are divorced. I guess we're both defeated.
I may act like I don't care right now, I may look and talk arrogant, but that's the only way I know how to protect myself. My father taught me everything I know. Is it a bad thing? Probably, but fathers teach their sons to become men. And my father sure taught me to be a man at a young age. What she doesn't know is no matter if we're separated, divorced, or even 100,000 miles away from each other. I will always love her no matter what. She will always be that one woman in my life. She will always be my best friend, but I can't tell her that now. I look cold hearted, but in reality, my heart is breaking into a million pieces. I can't make it right, it's too late. It's funny how when the woman is the one giving up, it makes the man feel inferior. I love my kids and as a man I admit I've made some mistakes but it doesn't mean I'm giving up the way she did with me.
I'm going to make my kids love me again. I'm going to win their affection.
I don't explain myself, I Nathan Scott don't explain myself to anyone. I'm 32 years old, an overbearing idiot. I have 7 kids and I'm a bachelor still in love with his ex-wife. I don't know how to be unguarded. I don't know how to be selfless. In all these years that have passed I still don't know how to put others before myself. I tried when I quit basketball, but it came back to haunt me. What else is there to say…
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we're never the same."