I do not own Harry Potter. However, I do own Joe and the plot
Chapter 1 - An introduction to the Real Harry Potter
So, I believe an introduction is called for. It's gonna be crap. Well, tough shit. It'll get better, I promise (though, as you will learn, I'm not so great at keeping those).
My name is Harry Potter. I'm 18. I am not the little prick you read about in those books. I've tried every drug you can think of, overdosed on Calpol, and stabbed my incredibly fat cousin. He deserved it though, I mean, what else could he expect? If you're gonna call someone so protective of their parents memory a 'drunken mistake between a whore and a floppy haired, good for nothing, pimp' then for God's sake, don't do it when they're holding a 7" kitchen knife.
So, my life, it's been good so far. Getting that letter from Hogwarts was a crap day though. I figured I wouldn't be allowed to stab people with compasses there. Technically I wasn't allowed to do that at my old school, but the teachers were so hung-over they didn't notice. Funny story – I put a needle on the cushion of Mr. Simmons chair. He's so blind, he didn't notice it, and he sat on it! Hilarious! And it would have gone so well if Zoë Panthazoid (seriously) hadn't grassed on me. Ah well, happy memories.
But the drugs have been the best bit. I'll never forget the time I took my first drag of marijuana (aged 13) or the first time I was high on Ecstasy (aged 14). It was Joe who introduced me to it. My best mate in the whole world. I'll never forget him. But he was more than a mate, so much more. Yes, that's right. I'm gay. Surprised? I bet you are. After all, you've all read those books, haven't you? I'm totally straight in those. Hell, they probably aren't allowed to print stuff about homosexuals! Well, this is the real world, and it's so much different.
I would just like to clarify that I never have been, and never will be, friends with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't be friends with both. They hate each other. Surprised again? Huh, there's plenty more of them to come. Though it has to be said, even though I hate him, I think Ron Weasley is beautiful. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. Whoever created him deserves a medal. And Hermione… well, she's pretty, if you're into that kinda thing (i.e. girls). But Ron… well, shit! Shit shit shit! Those blue eyes, woah! And the hair! I love red-heads! They are so dam sexy! If I didn't hate him so much, I'd go and snog his face off right this minute. Actually, it doesn't matter whether I like him or not, I'll probably end up fucking him anyway.
Anyway, back to Joe. I met him when I was 15, he was 17. We connected straight away. He introduced me to some people, and I experienced drugs like no other. Magically modified, of course. He had dark, dark brown (but not quite black) hair, dark brown eyes, and was about 6ft. His skin was naturally tanned, and he was addicted to hair products. Have you noticed I'm taking in the past tense yet? Good. He died a year ago, aged 19. And it wasn't even a drug overdose. He was hit by a car. And neither he nor the driver was drunk. Not the way he wanted to go. He was my first love, my only love, my baby. Needless to say, I dealt with the driver. Nigel, I think that was his name. He's at the bottom on the Thames now. I don't know why I chose the Thames. Maybe its cos that's where all the bodies get dumped in books and on TV. He'll have some other decaying people to keep him company. There have been others since Joe, but only short term relationships. If you could call them that. I just had them for the sex. So, what do you think of the famous Harry Potter, goody goody, hero, saviour to the world now?