Salutations, Internet
I was rewatching HTTYD, when I suddenly realized that Hiccup likely has Asperger's Syndrome, a fairly common form of autism. Like Me.
Discussing this with Aurora, this story came to me, and here we are.
I would like to put a Trigger Warning here: This is based off of my own experiences with having panic attacks, so it's very realistic. I don't want to trigger anyone, so just be wary.
Cheers
-WMStudios
Breakdown
"Just try again. You can do it." Dale encourage.
Hiccup gritted his teeth. He was determined to do the drill correctly, even though he had failed so many times. Everyone else had already mastered it, and were sitting on the beach. The dragons had gone, romping around in the sand. Only Hiccup was still training.
Eyes narrowed, he stepped forward, swinging the sword while raising the shield. But when he twisted to get a better reach, Dale got inside his defense again.
He resisted the urge to stomp his foot in anger. Dale eyed him cautiously. "You should probably go take a break. You're straining yourself."
"No!" Hiccup said, voice a bit too loud. "It's a basic drill. Everyone else can do it, and I'm not stopping until I can do it too."
His teacher sighed, but raised his own weapon again. Once more, Hiccup tried the thrusting maneuver, and once more failed. But he wasn't about to give up.
"Again." He demanded.
So they practiced, over and over until his arms were sore and his frustration boiled inside of him. The next time he raised the shield, something snapped inside of him. A pressure built on his chest, and a choking feeling rose into his throat. His breathing grew more ragged.
Dale, ever watchful with concern, asked "Hiccup? Is everything alright?"
He stumbled back, the sword and shield hitting the sand with a muffled thud. "No...no..." More anxiety bubbled up inside of him. He was losing control over this? Some stupid practice?
"No, no, I can't..."
"Hiccup, what's wrong?"
It had been so long since he'd had a breakdown. He had managed to keep it under control! But it was forcing its way free. Hiccup squeezed his eyes shut, one hand pressed against his forehead. He couldn't do it.
Gasping, his eyes shot open, and he shook his head, turning, sprinting towards the cabins. Several voices called out with worry but he could barely hear them. He just had to get away, he couldn't lose control in front of everyone. His feet pounded in the sand, in time with his heart which beat mercilessly in his chest.
He slammed the door of his cabin, leaning against the door a moment before sitting down on the edge of his bed. He reached for his pillow, clutching it so hard his fingers began turning white. Choked sobs forced their way out and he buried his face in his pillow. It felt so unnatural, so horrible, not being able to control it.
You failed again, the voice in his head taunted. You're no good at anything. Can't you see how everyone hates you? Useless, pathetic. No one wants you.
"Stop." He murmured, tears rolling down his face.
What, the truth? That's what it is you know! You're a burden to everyone.
And the memories began flooding back, words suppressed for so long now tormenting him once again.
Worst Viking Berk has ever seen.
Failed.
I've never seen anyone mess up that badly.
Failed.
Every time you step outside, disaster follows.
Failed, failure, failed!
Can't you do anything right?
"Shut up!" He screamed. "Stop, stop, please, just go away!" He rolled over on his bed, whispering the words as a mantra. "Go away, stop it, no..."
He kicked at his blankets as sobs tore through his throat. Every little things screamed at him, the heat, the humidity, the sand rubbing against his feet, the pounding headache in his temple. Trying to assert any kind of comfort he began rocking back and forth. The movement always helped a bit, but it did nothing to stop the torture and strain he put upon himself in his mind.
Failed, failed, failed.
"I can't do it!" He gasped out. And that only made it worse, the admittance that he wasn't strong enough to handle the self-induced pressure.
He barely registered the knock at his door until it creaked open. Wrenlou watched him a moment, eyes shining with concern.
"Are you okay?" He asked, then winced. It was a pointless question with an obvious answer.
Despite the small part of sanity still left in him begging for release, a seething hatred rose up inside Hiccup. "Go away!" He shouted. "Leave me alone."
Wrenlou, to his everlasting credit, didn't move. The worry in his face only grew stronger. "Hiccup?"
Looking up, Hiccup whispered, "Please, help me."
Needing no further urging, Wrenlou sat down next to him. Rubbing small circles across his back, he murmured encouragingly. Slowly, the harsh sobbing subsided, and though Hiccup didn't stop swaying, the motion was much more subtle.
When his breathing no longer hitched, words tumbled from Hiccup's mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just so useless. I can't do it, I've messed everything up again, and-"
"Hiccup." Wrenlou cut him off sharply. "Never, ever say that again. You're nowhere near useless. Just because you can't do one thing doesn't mean you're a failure."
It was quiet a moment save for Hiccup's labored breathing before he said softly, "They seemed to think so."
Wrenlou's eyes went wide as the implications of the statement hit him. Surely this wasn't the first time Hiccup had had a panic attack. Being constantly surrounded by the mentality that just because he couldn't do the same things as everyone else, he couldn't do anything at all...
And unlike now, he'd had no one to turn to.
Exhaling slowly, Wrenlou said "It doesn't matter what they thought. It matters what we, your friends think. And I think you're one of the most capable people I've ever met."
Hiccup laughed bitterly. "Yeah, right."
Raising an eyebrow, Wrenlou pulled his feet up so that he sat cross-legged, facing Hiccup. "Alright then, let's look at what you can do." He began ticking off on his fingers. "You're an amazing blacksmith. You're a genius, I don't know anyone else who can think of things like you. Toothless's tailfin alone. You learned my language hell of a lot faster than I learned Norse, and with less work. Not to mention you're damn well probably the best dragon rider I've ever seen."
"So?" He asked, but the doubt was beginning to lift from his face.
"So, even if you were the worst failure in the world and you were completely incompetent at everything-which you're not-you're still my friend. I care about you. Everyone else cares about you."
Hiccup pursed his lips, and set the pillow down on his lap. "I know. But...why did this happen again?"
"A panic attack?" Wrenlou asked incredulously. "Hiccup, everyone has one at least once."
"But I get them all the time!" He protested.
"I think you're predisposed to have them more frequently." Wrenlou said, and continued when confusion blossomed on Hiccup's face. "I know some people who aren't...they can't handle things like stress, or pressure, and they break down about once a month. It's more common than you would think. You handle it remarkably well."
Hiccup fidgeted with his hands, refusing to look up at Wrenlou. "I can hear them telling me what a waste of space I am. Stupid, and a failure, and not worth the food I eat."
Without any warning, Wrenlou pulled Hiccup into a hug. "I know. It must have been awful. But you're here now. And you're stronger because of it."
He didn't reply for a long time.
"How do you always know what to say?"
Wrenlou laughed, pulling away. "I don't know. How did you figure out all those aerial stunts without any training? It's just...innate."
Hiccup nodded, and yawned. "I'm thinking no more training today."
"If you try, I'll knock you out and drag you back here. Just get some rest for now." Wrenlou stood, pulling the blanket over Hiccup. "Come out whenever you're ready."
His eyes were already half-closed. "Wrenlou?"
He turned. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. And...thank you. For not leaving."
Smiling gently, he replied "We tend to push people out when we need it most. I'm just smart enough to recognize it."
Hiccup nodded again, barely even awake enough to listen. But he heard. At least a part of him did.
~o~O~o~
Wrenlou closed the door gently.
"Is he alright?" Dale asked.
"Yeah. He just had a panic attack, he's fine now."
Dale nodded. "You're a good friend for going in there."
"It's not a big deal really." Wrenlou sighed, stretching his shoulders. "He's my friend. It wasn't as though he was dying or anything."
Shaking his head, Dale countered, "It can be more changing than you know. He needed you, and you followed through. If you didn't have his loyalty before, you will now." He gazed out over the ocean. "Hiccup has been through hell of a lot."
"I know. I don't know how he does it."
"He's stubborn. That's most of it." He chuckled a bit, then grew solemn once more. "But he's also got us now. And he's got you especially. He really does need you, more than either of you realize. You can't ever leave him, alright?"
"Oh trust me Dale." Wrenlou said. "I don't plan on it any time soon."
His teacher nodded, then headed off to the rest of the group. Wrenlou gave one last glance at the cabin before going off as well.
I don't plan on it ever.