Prologue
Marry Winchester was right whenever she told her two boys that angels were watching over them; we were. All of the angels in my garrison had the job of watching over the Earth, and the Winchesters were included in that task. And when that brave woman was burnt into ashes as her young family watched helplessly, we were ordered not to interfere. Even though it was evil that ripped that poor family apart, we had to let those events unfold. After all, it was all part of the plan, no matter how horrible it seemed. To be perfectly honest, however, it did not seem all that horrible… not at the time, at least. I always knew what was to become of the boys. Sam: the tortured soul with demon blood flowing through his veins along with the strong desire to be normal. And Dean: the warrior and big brother with terrible tragedy etched into his destiny. They were our vessels, perfectly manufactured to house Lucifer and Michael for the epic battle that would decide the end of the world. Our orders were to watch over them, just as Mary Winchester had said. It was not our job to care for them. That was where I went wrong.
Chapter One
I was honoured when Michael appointed me the task of retrieving Dean Winchester from Hell. After carefully planning my move, I cloaked myself and descended into the pit of destruction my elder brother, Lucifer calls his home. There, I walked amongst the aisles of screaming souls and their torturers who were continuously ripping them further and further apart. Unlike Dante, I did not stop to observe; I had work to do. I had to find Dean Winchester, and when at last I did, I could not help but cock my head to the side in wonder. The boy I had watched grow up was unrecognisable in this new setting. Back on Earth, Dean had always been a rough man, not afraid to hurt or kill the enemy, but still there was always a sadness in his eyes… But not down here. His lips curled into a sneer as he sliced away at the agonising soul on his table. The screams and pleas had no sobering affect on him. This was not the man I had expected to find. This man was broken, and I must admit, it was then that I began to feel for Dean Winchester. This struck me as surprising. As angels we are ordered not to sympathise; it interferes with our faith… But there was something about Dean that broke those rules. Perhaps it was how helpless he seemed or that he had fallen so far from what I knew he was. I don't know. But watching him sink deeper and deeper into sin, burned rage in my own stomach, so I gripped him firmly on the arm and took him back home.
Before rescuing Dean, my preparations included traveling to Pontiac, Illinois to the home of Jimmy Novak: my vessel. I spoke to Jimmy and told him of his great importance. He was chosen by God to aid my fight against evil. At first, he was afraid, but again and again, I proved to him that I was to be trusted. His family was not convinced, but I needed Jimmy, not his family. Jimmy agreed to letting me in, so I drifted down upon him, and walked away from the people that he loved and the place he called home. I felt no shame in tearing Jimmy from his wife and daughter. Back then, things were just a simple matter of following orders… except for when it came to Dean Winchester.
Upon our first face-to-face meeting, I was successful in my attempt to impress him, for Dean was miraculous and I was just Castiel, and angel of limited importance up in Heaven. But Dean looked at me with fascination and a small hint of fear. He made me feel powerful, and though I knew such an emotion could be dangerous, I secretly reveled in it.
In those first meetings of our relationship, I stayed true to myself, Castiel: the soldier, humbly devoted to God no matter what the cost. I was harsh with Dean, ignoring his feelings, and overlooking how broken he still was from his time spent in Hell. But as time went on, I began to find it harder and harder to be so blunt with Dean. For the first time in my long life, I began to question the orders put to me. There was something about these Winchester brothers that charmed me. It was their defiance towards those trying to pull them apart. They had so much love and devotion for one another, and that was incredible. I knew that no matter how loyal I was with my own brothers and sisters that I could never have a bond as close as the Winchester boys had together.
I should have been more careful with these emotions, because my brothers and sisters started to catch wind of them. They teased me [well, as much as angels can tease] about my fondness for the older Winchester. They didn't understand. They simply lectured me on the dangers of becoming humanized. And they were right. God loves humans, but he loves the angels, too. It was prevalent that I behave like the creature he had created me, for my father is right in all things.
So I went with Uriel to bring back Anna, my big sister, whom I had looked up to for so long. I did not want to kill her, but orders must be obeyed. Standing across from the Winchester brothers with Anna at their side, I felt torn. My obedience was challenged, and no amount of talking myself into allegiance with my brother could do anything about it. I remember when Anna fell. She had confided in me about her doubts against our father. I had begged her to be rational. God loves us, and she rebelled against him. She fell to Earth, the place she admired so much, and I didn't understand. But there in the barn, Anna looked so human, so strong, and passionate, and sad. I knew the last thing that she wanted was to become and angel again and return to the home she had finally gotten away from, and the family who treated her as an outcast. I think I'd be right in assuming that she'd rather die than come home, but Sam and Dean would never let that happen. I knew it was a trap when Dean they were giving her up. For months I had witnessed the Winchesters' loyalty, and could detect it now in the lines of Dean's face as he kissed my sister's lips.
I watched my sister become ultimately human in this moment, and I felt longing spread through my body. Between Anna and Dean there were so many feelings. How strange it must be to taste another person, and be eager for them to want you the way that you want them. How strange it is to cry tears of sorrow or frustration when things are not going as you want them to. How strange it is to care so deeply for someone who is not God. These things were very strange, but I envied those who have the ability to feel them. In that moment, I understood why my sister had chosen to fall so far. These feelings seemed like painful things to endure, but right now, I could hardly stand feeling nothing at all.