Author's Notes: Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.
Have you ever had that feeling, where you're on the outside looking in? Where everyone seems to know what's going on and thinks you do too but you haven't got a clue?
Welcome to my life.
The thing is I used to know it all; there was a time when I could not only keep up with the conversation I was the one who started and kept it going.
Not anymore.
You see I don't know these people despite what they say, despite the history we have together I no longer know them.
Over the past few months I seem to be on the edge of the group, the things they speak of barely include me.
I just wish I could turn back time, go back to when I made a decision that is the dumbest thing I've ever done, back to when I reopened the Stargate instead of burying it completely.
It's true I wouldn't have made the friends I made over the past few years but I've not got them anyway so that gets rid of that argument. I do miss them; sometimes I wonder why everything changed and when it changed. I walked into the Gateroom one day and I was no longer a part of the team.
x
I remember the days when we could talk, about anything, about everything. When I would see them and I didn't feel awkward or alone but those days are gone. Long gone.
My office is a refuge. They don't come here as often as they used to, they hardly come here at all. There are a few pictures on my desk and I can't help but look at them.
Me, alone on a camel, my wife the light of my life snuffed out taking a large part of me with her and then SG1, the family I gained when I lost the one I gained from my marriage, that enfolded me so welcoming supporting as I searched to get back to where I once was and now…
Now I wonder about whether or not I should leave, if someone else could do my part on this team.
x
No time to think about that now anyway. We leave in ten minutes, I change mechanically trying to figure out when carrying a gun became the norm to me when I stopped being a peaceful explorer and became more military.
Letting the others leave before me I trail behind, I had to do something before I lost my identity completely.
Now however, it was time to go to Kelowna.