A/N: AHHHH! Save me from the evil plot bunnies! They are ruining my chances of passing Calculus with a KeeneyB (actually a D - yay AP grading system!) I keep having ideas for fics when I am supposed to be understanding evil integrals and evil derivatives. Anyway, this is intended as a response fic to hanjuuluver's oneshot look into Edo - kun's tortured soul. I have noticed that very few people, comparatively, write about Al's feelings, I guess since except for the post-Lab 5 episodes, he is shown as pretty well adjusted (at least compared to the other weirdos at Central). So this is an attempt to get into Al's head and find out what our favorite giant suit of armor really feels. This is just my interpretation - if you think its OOC, write your own damn fic! I'd love to read it, actually. Enjoy, review, and apologies for the long A/N, I tend to get carried away.
DISCLAIMER: If you don't see Ed/Roy yaoi goodness, my plot to take over the world and seize FMA has yet to succeed.
Heart of Steel
I know how everyone sees me. I am the stable one, the calm one, the mature one. I am the one who holds Ed back when he loses it, who keeps him from doing something stupid, from hurting people. I am the one who speaks quietly, who reacts slowly, who gives everyone a chance to explain. I am solid. I am earth, stone, iron. I am made of metal, after all. And nobody realizes I am screaming inside. That I am angry, and terrified, and full of doubt. I wonder if Ed has ever realized that I just tell him what he wants to hear. He needs strength, he needs confidence, to think that I believe in him, or he will never get our bodies back. I can't tell him that, as brilliant as he is, as much as I love him, I don't have that kind of absolute faith in me. I can't tell him the fear I have that it might be impossible to do this. It horrifies me to think I might be like this forever. I hate this body. I don't tell him that. I want him to know that it's okay if he fails, that I can stand to be like this for as long as it takes, but that is a lie. If he fails, I don't know what I will do. I hate being like this. I don't even feel human; I am just an empty shell. I can't feel – I have memories of the smell of flowers, the taste of rain, and the feel of soft fur or a hand on my face. But now, I feel nothing. This is not life, just a bad dream. I hate Ed for doing this sometimes. What right did he have to rip me from death, to force me into this freakish half-life? Who made him a god? Who said my life was his to decide for? It should have been my choice. And I might have made it differently. I don't think anyone realizes that I feel this way. It's strange; they expect me to act like an adult, to always be mature, but they also treat me like a child. Everyone thinks that I can't understand things, that I shouldn't be told things, that I have to be protected. I hate that word: protected. Was I protected when my mother died? When I lost my body in the Gate? How about when I fought Scar, or when we went into Laboratory 5? I haven't been an innocent child in a long time. I've seen too much to ever be just a boy again. I wish they could see that. I wish they would realize that I've seen more than most people see in their entire lives. What purpose is served by protecting me now? Does it make him feel better, my poor, guilty brother? Doesn't he remember that I made my choice to stand beside him in that room, letting my blood fall in the circle? No one forced me; I wanted her back just as much as he did. My fate is my fault, just as much as it is his. But he would never admit that, because his guilt, his responsibility, are the only things that keep him going. They are his only reason to live. This is why I am still here; why I didn't run away, or break my link to this empty shell and allow myself to die. He needs me. He is all that I have left, my brother, and I love him, and I would do anything for him. Even live.