Sexual Paranoia
He felt steam sticking to his cheeks and blurring his sight as he sighed; he liked the smell of wet soil mixing with the aromatic bath salts and the warm invading his almost-naked body even before touching the water, the way this liquid burned his skin at first contact.
For Lavi, getting into the Order's hot springs was a lot more than just taking a bath: it was a relatively sublime experience (especially if you just came back from an awfully long mission in which if you wanted to take care of your personal hygiene you had to resort to some river Mother Nature put on your way, or to the salty water full of plankton and whatnot in the surface), a time of devotion to himself, peaceful, uninterrupted moment for personal reflections and...
... and then, Yuu got in.
Yuu.
When someone called him by his first name he had a sort of irrational furious reaction, but it's just that Lavi cannot help it. He loved that name, the lovely monosyllabic sound, like a whistle; also, probably, the fact that referring to the rare specimen of neurotic by that represented some kind of relationship.
"Relationship?" Lavi raised an eyebrow and got lost in the thought of a possible definition for the word. "Link that two people develop after a certain amount of time and experience together" he calculated, and in that very moment Kanda's towel fell carelessly on the floor. "... Physical contact" he considered while the kendoka immersed himself calmly into the water, creating little waves that, for some unknown reason, seemed to dive Lavi rhythmically away from him as he blushed gradually.
As usual, the bookman's skilled eye stared unconsciously at the details of his friend's visible anatomy, a little shy at the beginning but later rather insistent and completely captivated. He wanted to ask him where did he get those white scars that lay so perfectly on his back, what does the tattoo on his chest mean, why do the water streams fall so sensually on the curves of his neck...
And, as in any other occasion, Yuu gave him an intimidating stare. Depending on his mood, he could stay quiet without complain, or...
"What are you looking at, you pervert?" he asked a sharp tone, although curiously threadless. At this point of the process, Kanda's cheeks were getting pink because of the temperature of the place.
Lavi has never been really eloquent when it comes to evasive replies. Normally he'd say things like "What's your brand of shampoo?" and "Have I ever mentioned you look a lot like Lenalee?"
Oh, however, that day he somehow wanted to break the monotony and try something different: telling the truth. Exactly what he was thinking at the moment.
"You have a beautiful body, Yuu"
If there'd been sarcasm or at least the smallest trace of a sardonic smile, Kanda surely would have pulled him by the hair and submerged him into the water until he stopped breathing at all.
But the look in the boy's face was so serious and his tone so honest, that the kendoka's face showed the most unimaginable: an expression of genuine surprise. There was not rage; his facial muscles were totally relaxed giving a charming (and kind of silly) image that no one would ever expect from an aggressive troublemaker who was frowning ninety percent of the time.
They stared at each other for several seconds as Lavi felt the steam painfully shrinking his lungs and the water strangling every possible inch of his body.
Finally, Yuu broke the visual contact by turning his head; his face was reddened, but, was it rage, waiting to burst?, was it shame or just the warm of the room? Lavi didn't know what to expect, or if he should immediately get out of the water, run away from the country, change his name and spend the rest of his life raising sheep whose wool could be transformed into pretty sweaters that Allen, somehow, could wear. But Allen's effeminate sweater wasn't the topic of discussion at the moment.
Maybe, drowning himself voluntarily would mean a lot less trouble and would avoid an awfully painful death from which he, surely, wouldn't have managed to escape on time anyway.
He couldn't keep his eyes away from the kendoka. He had no idea of what to expect, and the fact that this one was quiet for so long (thinking of new and indescribably pornographic ways of torture, probably) made him as distressed as if he had swallowed a watch, feeling the tic-tac echoing in the bottom of his stomach.
"Perverted sodomite"
... Simple and painless.
Uncharacteristic of that man!
This just increased the bookman's fear. He didn't even give himself the time to think about how the word "sodomite" fitted perfectly with the recent events, or if he would prefer to be sodomized by Kanda or sodomize him. Effectively, if such disturbing questions would have saturated his young mind, we would have collapsed and suffered an apoplexy.
Was there something else beneath the shallow words of the man he just had somehow harassed? What damn kind of calm reaction was that for a temperamental volcano like Kanda Yuu?
There was an uncomfortable silence, although maybe talking would have been suicidal.
Since they came back from the Ark, the kendoka had been behaving in a rather strange way. Well, the truth was that, recently, he didn't offend anyone at all, he didn't stare nor threaten people (except for Allen but that was more of an habit), he didn't curse, he didn't beat innocent people, he wasn't Kanda Yuu. Suddenly, Lavi felt like abandoned in an uninhabited island. Maybe he said those words hoping for an aggressive reaction from Yuu (that would later push them to have violent sex)? Was he getting insane?
"Nee, Yuu..." he said nervously, wishing for the slightest bit or rage. "Are you feeling fine?"
Kanda stared at him.
No, it wasn't the usual cold, distant look. There was a different sparkle in his jet black eyes that discreetly whispered something like...
"Yeah. Today I do."
Again, the reply disturbed Bookman Jr.
So much was the pressure that the tense situation and the heat of the place exerted on himself that Lavi got out of the bath room, waving a weak goodbye apparently still with the naive hope of an attack; he felt dead if Yuu didn't look at him aggressively. What kind of twisted sexual attraction is that? He was alarmed by his latent masochistic wish, so much that he unconsciously smacked himself. He took the towel off his waist. And then, he saw something, something so natural and yet totally inappropriate and bizarre and...
Well... whatever. It 's not his fault that Kanda's so damn hot, is it?
...
Although this morning's scene in the bathroom was still tormenting him (or should we say 'delighting him'?), Bookman Jr. was trying to keep his eyes on a sheet from the lot old Panda had given him for translation.
Three paragraphs and two lines later he was in total despair.
Being unable to concentrate, he carelessly threw himself on his old and noisy bed, feeling a slight pain all the way through his back. Well, maybe a little pain was all he really needed after spending the whole afternoon imagining things that could have happened if he had been psychologically prepared for such a direct attack.
He actually got to think that maybe Kanda wouldn't have opposed. It was because of the way he stared at him before and after calling him 'perverted sodomite' in an almost not-offensive tone. He still could feel the Japanese's eyes trying to find his naked body underneath the water, and a shiver went all the way down his spine.
He slapped himself for a second time in the day. What the hell? Why did he think he could even consider Kanda Yuu as a possible object of sexual attraction?
...
Mating season.
Or something similar, he wanted to suppose.
After the intense whiteness of the ceiling of his room left him blinded, he closed his eyes and tried to think about anything else but his body and Yuu's, naked, rubbing each other together under the water. He was just falling asleep when somebody knocked on the door. He made as if to get up, but the sheets exerted on him a semi-gravitational attraction, and when he considered lying still pretending to be sleep, he heard
"It's me. Open the door" a mean voice behind the door. Lavi was startled in such a way that he lifted his head like a paranoid suricate. He lifted an eyebrow.
"Me who?"
"You know who, you moron. Open the door."
For some unknown impulse, he jumped out of the bed right to the mirror, he arranged his hair and verified that all his appearance was in total order, and then hurried up to let Kanda in.
That was the first and only time in his life he saw Yuu wearing a yukata. Pale blue, a rather rough fabric and it reached a couple inches higher up his knees, allowing to take a slight glance at his white legs which paleness was similar to that of a corpse. After some moments of looking at every detail of Kanda's body, his eyes focused on how those long black threads of his fell so gracefully on his shoulders, like a waterfall of starry nights pouring its rivers between magnificent mountains. A little voice inside his head begged him to caress one of those silky locks.
"Are you going to stay all night there or will you let me in?" Kanda asked harshly. Without a word, Lavi stepped out of his way and closed the door once they were both in.
"Huh..." Bookman Jr. hesitated, "what brings you here, Yuu? Do you even know what time it is...?"
Kanda gave him a sharp, deep look, like being able to see inside his soul and threatening to squeeze and torture it in a slow, delightful way.
And then, he smiled. A beautiful and wicked smile.
Lavi could barely conceal how breathless he was, it seemed as if his lungs were compressed by a half-a-ton piano falling on his chest; a dagger went through his throat. He was sweating cold.
Yuu gave a step forward, and he took one backward. The smile increased. Another step, Kanda going forward and Lavi going back. It was like that for a while, like a set of small steps of some slow dance, until the back of Lavi's knees indicated him that he had reached the edge of the bed and was now cornered.
He went through Denial.
"This can't be happening!"
Anger.
"Who does he think he is?!"
When Kanda walked forward again and put their bodies together, he reached the stage of Bargain.
"Oh, God, please don't..."
And at the moment he looked up and found Yuu's face few inches away from his, he finally went through Acceptance.
He desperately pressed their lips together, as if trying to tear them until their blood mixed and became one; he pulled Yuu by the yukata, sitting on the bed and laying the kendoka on his lap as Yuu himself was violently pulling his hair, taking moans away from his mouth that later became bites on the Japanese's lower lip. Lavi started to notice how the inside leg measurement of his pants started to get too painfully tight. One of his hands took the back of Kanda's neck while the other one slowly undid the yukata as his tongue was impatiently struggling to find his partner's.
Unable to go on without breathing they pulled apart, both panting and begging for the air to enter soon into their lungs so they could finally get lost again in one another's breath; taking advantage of this pause, the bookman at last managed to take off the other's garment and it landed on the floor.
The divine view of that moment is still merely indescribable.
And then, suddenly, his eyes opened and he faced again the hypnotic whiteness of the ceiling. His breathing was disturbingly fast and irregular.
The only thing that dream and reality shared, at that moment, was the erection in his pants.
"... Dammit."
...
He didn't leave his room until late, next day's afternoon, and he did so just because his stomach was complaining.
He was overwhelmed by such a terrible anxiety that he sporadically jumped, or laughed maniacally without any reason; he constantly scratched his head or pulled his hair; he fell once and crawled for a while... and so he moved, leaning himself against the walls, muttering nonsense, until he reached the cafeteria.
He opened the door and stuck his head in just to make sure he wasn't there. Safe zone. He carefully walked to the kitchen's window as everyone was turning their heads just to watch this very strange sight. At last, he accomplished his goal in one piece. He told one of the cooks what he wanted to eat, relieved by the fact that...
"Oh, Lavi! I was so worried...!" ... nevermind. Jerry showed up, shouting and frowning. "I haven't seen you in the whole day!"
"Uh... yeah, well" he scratched his head nervously, "I overslept" and looked around in fear. Jerry raised an eyebrow.
"Are you hiding from someone? What did you do this time?" he asked.
"NOTHING!" the bookman shouted, so loudly his surroundings got suddenly really quiet and people stared at him. "Absolutely nothing! To nobody! WITH NOBODY!" such was his distressed that it looked like from a moment to another his body would shake, fall on the floor and start spitting foam out of his mouth as his ears bled and he had an internal hemorrhage.
"... Good" Jerry murmured, not quite convinced. "I'll go get your order" and he ran away, a little worried though. "Don't go anywhere."
Every second Lavi waited for Jerry to come back, his paranoia was taking over every cell of his body.
He was afraid of facing Kanda, that he discovered his odd attitude and realized the way he looked at him (that means, like picturing him naked), he was scared of sweating or that he'd start crying and then the man would ask him "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and after all that pressure and the way his nerve cells struggled imploring to get out of his head, he'd finally shout:
"I want to fuck you until you scream."
Yuu would arch an eyebrow. It would take him a while to understand what Lavi was talking about. Then, he would look daggers at him as his cheeks turned red, and finally, would massacre Lavi with such cruel and bloodthirsty violence that his children would get the bruises.
"Ohnoohnoohnoohno" he murmured, traumatized, swaying forward and backward and breathing heavily.
"Hey" someone touched his shoulder.
In his current state, he couldn't take it.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" he let out a bloodcurdling scream, and then everything went black. He felt his head hitting on something.
And there was no pain anymore.
...
That must have been heaven. An angel came to get him, a shining angel calling his name...
"Lavi"
"Take mee..." he whispered as he raised his hands, embracing death.
Allen slapped him and he bit his tongue, a metallic taste filled his mouth. For some time, he didn't have any reaction; his head was looking at one side of the room and his messy hair was spread all over the pillow. He turned mechanically, like a rusty machine, until his face was in the right position to look straight at the boy.
"Whede am I?" he asked calmly, or rather anesthetized, although his actual disability to speak correctly played down the importance of the matter. "Whad happened?"
"You fainted at the cafeteria" replied Allen with concern. "But before that you screamed as if someone was going to rape you" he pointed, frowning and apparently disturbed about what he had just said.
"Oh, Aden" Lavi sang, "if you wand me you jusd have do say id"
Slap. Again. Now, that was becoming a habit. The bookman was now in his five senses.
"Soddy. Id musd have been because I haven'd eaden anyding" that, and the fact that a recent sexual trauma is haunting me doesn't have anything to do with it, he thought and actually said it with his eyes; he sat up, smiling weakly, and without any reason he hugged Allen, resting his head on his chest. He had a really nice lavender smell, and now he finally understood why the boy loved to wear that effeminate gray sweater: the fabric was so soft, he wondered if it was angora or maybe just cotton wool. Whatever it was, that piece of clothing caressed him with such motherly love that he could fell asleep there at any moment.
"I deally dike you, Adden" he whispered, although rather meaning 'I deally dike youd sweadded". The boy's reaction was to push him away to the bed, with an evident blush spreading on his cheeks and his eyes gave him an accusing look, as if he had just said something really obscene. "Whad?"
The abrupt gesture had moved the sweater out of its place. Now it was lightly hanging on Allen's left side a little below his shoulder, and after being overwhelmed by an uncomfortable silence, Lavi couldn't help but noticing a couple purple marks on Allen's neck and a slightly red circle on his shoulder. Hickeys.
"Whad happened do you?"
Allen looked at the floor almost ashamed of himself, and blushed a quite lot more.
"I... fell from the stairs" lie. If that had happened, Lavi would have heard of it.
"And de bide?" he inquired suspiciously.
"... Timcanpy" he replied nervously. "Speaking of which, I have to go look for him. Since my Master got here Tim's just prowling around the hallways" he rushed to excuse and before the bookman could make any other question he slipped away.
So, Allen was making out with someone.
Lavi smiled at the idea. It was so adorable to imagine him rubbing his nose against somebody else's as they laughed foolishly, or walking around the corridors hand in hand as they jumped with joy. However, he wondered which one of the few girls in the Order could be as passionate as to leave that kind of lustful imprints.
Lenalee is way too sweet to hurt Allen, and besides, Lavi would have noticed any change of attitude immediately; Miranda was out of the question. Well, recently he had seen a furtive exchange of looks between Allen and one of the girls in the kitchen. Or maybe he had finally decided to accept Rou Fa. Yeah, Rou Fa was definitely a possibility, seems like the kind of fangirlesque girlfriend that would do anything you ask her to do but would also make her wildest fantasies come true without any further advise.
Allen and Rou Fa.
He laughed. What a lovely couple.
...
A week went by and he never came across Yuu. He knew he was still alive, for sometimes he could hear the hurt screams of some poor wrench and there still prevailed the creepy atmosphere of horror anywhere near the kendoka had just passed by. Even so it was difficult to tell if Kanda was the one avoiding him or he was the one who hid every time he felt him coming his way. He still considered on jumping out of the window every time he had impure thoughts, but he was hoping to get over it soon enough.
However, that night would be etched on his memory forever as one of the most disturbing revelations he had ever experienced.
It was past 9 that Saturday, the central heating system was broken because of one of Komui's experiments and the air was awfully cold. Lavi passed through an empty hallway with some layers of colorful clothes on him and a thick white wool scarf, after dinner time. He had the resolution of slipping between the bulky folds of his sheets and start an early state of hibernation. In spite of the disturbances and irregularities in his normal life and his non-existent sexual life, he was kind of happy.
He saw then, at the distance, that Allen was striding towards him with a certain air of frustration and despair; he was embracing himself and was shivering with cold, his cheeks and his nose were considerably red. He walked with his eyes on the floor.
"Allen!" Lavi said happily, willing to offer him some physical warmth (in a really manly way, of course) if it was necessary. The boy slightly lifted his sight, smiled weakly and turned his head, almost avoiding him. But a bookman doesn't take a 'no' for an answer. Before Allen could pass him by, Lavi turned around and put his arm around his shoulders; Allen seemed startled, he stopped abruptly and Lavi could almost swear that through their contact he could feel a shiver going all the way down Allen's spine.
"Where are you going?" he hastened to ask before an uncomfortable silence reached them.
"Uh..." Allen hesitated with absent-minded clumsiness "Dinner."
"Oh. I'll go with you" Bookman Jr stated and they began to walk. The Hibernation plan had been postponed. Lavi needed to know exactly who was the one his friend was getting involved with and if that woman was making him suffer; his objective was to give him advice from man to man, even if he wasn't really sure about his sexuality anymore, thanks to a certain Japanese exorcist who was too damn attractive and... nevermind.
"Thanks" and this time Allen's smile made his face radiated with honesty and genuine gratitude. Lavi laughed in response and put their foreheads together in a very 'manly' gesture of friendship... or something like that.
As they walked along the corridor, they talked about random subjects like the weather and the fact that it was ruining their 'vacations' at the Order. Bookman Jr was patiently waiting for the right moment to question Allen without bothering him.
"Looks like you're going to catch a cold" Lavi mentioned a little concerned, pointing at the blush in the boy's cheeks.
"Yeah..." he murmured in response without paying attention; he seemed to be too worried about something he missed on the floor for he rarely would stop staring at it. Lavi sighed, assuming that whatever was Allen's concern at that moment, probably he didn't feel like telling it.
Maybe he had argued with Rou Fa.
"Allen and Rou Fa~" he sang mentally as he hummed. Walker raised an eyebrow kind of confused, and in spite of it, he laughed.
That Allen only ate half what he used to made Lavi think that maybe the dinner thing was a lie and his friend actually was in his way to the bathrooms to cry heartbrokenly under some sink or something. But well, with food in his stomach he didn't look so down, and he even would reply with enthusiasm to all of Lavi's nonsense about the mystery that lies under Komui's bowler hat.
And they talked and laughed for hours; the place was pretty crowded with scientists from different branches of the Order that didn't seem to get any sleep for there were huge bags under their eyes and from time to time they'd doze.
Lavi didn't like favoritisms but the truth was that Allen's company was the one he enjoyed the most; they could talk just about anything, get into the absurd or even into the gloom. Besides, he loved Allen's laughter and the way his eyes jump neurotically when someone mentions Cross Marian. Every time he saw this boy down he felt that he should cheer him up, not out of pity or anything but because of his selfishness. Allen's infectious smile seemed to light up the particles that float around him and pass on automatically to the rest of the community. Every time Allen was happy, Lavi forgot his problems a little bit.
Such thoughts made him smile, and he started to poke Allen's cheek.
"What?" the boy asked, a little confused.
"I like you, Allen" he declared sincerely, "really" and he gave his friend a little slap. It took Walker a while to understand but once he had got the idea, he smiled and said
"I like you too, Lavi"
And both burst out laughing. Later, there was silence.
"Enough. That's way too weird in a really not-manly way" the bookman said, standing up. "Bed time."
"Together?" asked Allen with an adorable expression and imploring puppy eyes as his cheeks started to get redder, and Lavi's nose almost bled to death.
"... What?" that was the only thing he could say.
Yuu was hot. But Allen... Allen was almost way too cute.
The boy burst out laughing before Lavi's disturbed and blushed face and didn't stop until Bookman Jr gave him a painful knock on his back. He was clearly offended, so he turned around moving his hips in a funny way and without any other word, he left the place.
"Laaaviiii" Allen shouted, going after him. "Don't be mad" and he stood in front of Lavi in expect of an answer.
"... Alright, alright. I forgive you" he said, although nobody apologized.
"But I'm serious about sleeping together" Allen look at the floor in shame, "I don't want to be alone in my room..."
Lavi sighed. He nodded and pulled the other by the arm. He just hoped he didn't dream of Kanda again or he would be in a very uncomfortable disposition before his partner.
And, speaking of the devil, suddenly they could hear steps approaching. There was no sign of him, and even though it could be anyone else, Lavi was sure he recognized Yuu's steps. That's because he's a pro stalker.
The moment had come, he'd finally prove if he had already gotten over Kanda Yuu; he straightened himself and tried to walk confidently. Allen wondered the reason of such a sudden change of stance, but he didn't pay much attention to it. Suddenly, he appeared. He seemed kind of mad, walking with big steps, and one wouldn't know if it was that he had already recovered his usual look, or that he was glancing angrily at them, from the distance. Lavi's legs started to shake, the distance between was shortening too fast for him to be able to assimilate it. And in that moment it came back to his mind -the ephemeral memory of that arousing and disturbing dream; it was the least adequate time to have that sort of sodomite fantasies, and the worst to get an erection. His steps suddenly became uncertain, and he was so lost in his own difficulties that it took him too long to realize the strange change in Allen's behavior.
Lavi noticed this when he felt the boy clinging tightly to his arm and walking rather too fast. One could easily say he was nervous, and his eyes went from Lavi to Kanda and from Kanda to the floor. So, as Lavi hesitated about continuing to walk, Allen pulled him to walk faster.
Bookman Jr saw then that something weird was happening, and when he raised his sight and Kanda was so close he could get the smell of flowers and soap from his just-washed silky hair that dances so gracefully in the air, at last, he saw it.
It all happened so slowly...
If it was betrayal or misunderstanding, it didn't matter much at the end.
It was embracing Yuu so gently and wholeheartedly, wrapping its soft texture around him, caressing the perfect curves of his body and making everything else about him seem so manly in comparison.
The sweater. Yuu had that sweater on.
Passing them by, he gave them a look that Lavi enjoyed at front raw. Oh my God. His eyes, those eyes, weren't reflecting the bitterness or the rage that was usually filling them. It was satisfaction.
Seduction.
Something weird must have happened at the Ark because never before had they seen that kind of look on Kanda's face. Whatever it was, Lavi didn't know if he should be thankful or afraid for his eternal doom in a world full of unbridled lust, because that was the thing lying through the sparkle in his pupils.
Again, the Mating Season theory crossed his mind.
And so he passed them by, muttering something like "Idiots" as if some kind of damsel offended by their indecent looks and their impure thoughts, even after flirting with them so shamelessly.
Kanda. Flirting. Putting those two words together in one sentence must be forbidden by God.
At last, he walked and little by little the sound of his steps disappeared in the air.
"... What was that?" both were pretty disconcerted. Lavi's legs were shaking and Allen was squeezing his arm to tightly he feared he would rip it apart.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it..." Allen apologized, but, about what? What was he talking about? Why has he looking at the floor with to much shame?
... Oh.
"That was your sweater, right, Allen?"
"... Yes."
And there they remained, together, still and disturbed, at the middle of the hallway.
Kanda and Allen, who could have ever thought of that?
But there's one thing to admit:
They made such a terribly attractive couple, that Lavi wouldn't mind becoming a third wheel.
...
Just finished translating my second fanfiction! If you have a LJ you can go to mty profile and add me :3
Thanks for reading!