Author's Note: So this was meant to be a bit of a crack!fic in response to all the Angel/Bones crossover fics out there (not that they aren't good, but there seems to be a sudden proliferation of them). Instead, it spiralled into… this. I hope you enjoy it, or just get a kick out of it…
Spoilers: Post Angel/Buffy finales but pre-comics. There are vague spoilers for both series, but no comic spoilers whatsoever. For Bones, there are vague spoilers up to the end of the second season.
Thanks to Kayleigh, who read this story many, many times and helped me iron out the details.
Slay Me
- - -
Las Vegas, Nevada
"Buffy! Buffy, don't you dare die on me again!" Dawn yelled at her sister, doing chest compressions as Willow continued to resuscitate her.
There was a tense silence as they continued trying to save the Slayer's life. The Potentials looked on anxiously as Willow stopped, checked Buffy's pulse, and swore.
"Her heart stopped again." Willow said. "Where are the paddles?"
After the battle with Caleb, they had gone to the hospital and 'liberated' a crash cart, knowing that if they had to keep bringing almost dead Potentials and Slayers to the hospital that someone would eventually question what it was, exactly, that they were doing to cause such damage to each other.
Chao-Ahn pulled it out of the closet and the other Potentials moved out of the way, allowing her to move it over quickly. Willow charged them quickly and held them to Buffy's chest as Dawn rocked back on her heels and watched, biting her lip hard enough that her face was white from the strain. One, two, three times Willow held the paddles to Buffy's chest and they watched as her body jerked from the current. Willow checked Buffy's pulse again and sighed in relief.
"Got it." She told the others. "Can someone call Giles and let him know what happened?"
- - -
"Yeah?" Xander reached over the desk to grab Giles' phone.
"Is Giles there?"
"Hold on." He held the phone to his chest and called into the next room. "Giles! Phone for you!"
"I'll just be a moment!" Giles called back, staring at the computer screen in disbelief. Shaking his head, he stood up and moved into the other room, as always a little shocked at the sight of Xander waist deep in a pile of demonology books.
"Who is it?"
"One of the Potentials." Xander replied, handing the phone over.
"Hello? ... Yes, of course. … She's fine now? … It certainly does explain some things. … Thank you for calling. … Yes, I'll see you tonight."
"What was that about?" Xander asked.
"Apparently Buffy stopped breathing again." Giles said, moving calmly into the den.
"Wait! Is she all right?" Xander asked, practically vaulting over the desk and running to catch up with the Watcher.
"Oh yes, she's quite all right. But it does somewhat explain this anomaly I found." He led Xander to the computer. "The Watcher's Council has created a program to track all the Slayers, and a new name just popped up on the server. Strange, since Willow activated all the Slayers before we fought the First, but then again, Buffy did die again."
"She died?!" Xander yelped.
"They used the defibrillator and she was fine."
"Okay, Giles, you really need to get a little more emotional sometimes." Xander muttered, leaning in as Giles highlighted the new Slayer profile. His mouth dropped open as he looked at her picture. "Whoa – can I go fill her in?"
- - -
Washington, D.C.
"Booth, you're being ridiculous." Temperance Brennan told her partner.
"Bones, just because I'm not letting you drive today-"
"But you never let me drive!"
"Well – okay, but what about in L.A.?" Booth asked.
"That involved blackmail." Brennan smirked as Booth's face fell.
"Well-"
"What's the case, Booth?" Brennan sighed, saving her partner from digging himself into a hole.
"Two cyclists found a body while riding through Rock Creek Park, near the Amphitheater. Police on the scene said it looked – I believe mouldy was the term they used. Not a lot of skin though."
"Is there anything else, Booth?"
"Sorry Bones, just got the call five minutes ago."
- - -
"Caucasian male, early fifties." Brennan announced as she crouched next to the bones. "There's a severe break in the left tibia, about ten years old. It healed wrong; he would have walked with a limp. Wear on the joints suggests that before then he was some sort of athlete, probably equestrian. Preliminarily, I'd say that he's been dead four to six weeks, but I'll know more when Hodgins gets a look at the particulates and insects on the bones."
"Okay. Any other identifying marks you can give me, Bones?" Booth asked, writing everything down in his notebook.
"He's right handed. And the bones suggest that he was suffering from a cancer. They show signs of radiation exposure."
"So we have a fifty-year old male suffering from cancer who rode horses. Sounds good to me." He looked to the techs standing nearby. "Transport the remains to the Jeffersonian and deliver them to the squints ASAP." Booth looked over at Brennan. "I'll give you a ride back. Hey, we should stop for some food on the way, I'm starving."
"You're always hungry, Booth."
"I'm a growing boy! Besides, someone needs to make sure you get at least one square meal a day."
"I'm perfectly capable of feeding myself."
"As long as you don't get distracted by a set of bones, you mean?" Booth smirked at her.
- - -
"Oh come on Bones, you have to admit that was some good pie." Booth cajoled, grinning at his partner.
"It was – better than I expected." Brennan capitulated, smiling back at him.
"I told you you'd like it."
"I suppose, just this once, you were right." Brennan smirked.
"Thank you, Bones. And see, the squints got right down to work!" They walked onto the platform.
"Hodgins, Zack, what have you found?"
"The particulates Zack scraped off the bone yielded results typical of that which is found in the park." Hodgins jumped in.
"So we're reasonably certain that he died where you found him." Zack picked up. "There are markings on the bone congruent with a pipe or perhaps a crow bar-"
"We were about to run some scenarios." Hodgins butted in. "On the Angelator." He clarified at Booth and Brennan's alarmed looks.
"You do that while I take another look at these bones." Brennan said, and the two scientists scampered off to Angela's office. "Don't forget to get Angela to start working on a reconstruction!" she called after them.
"I worry about them sometimes." Booth muttered. "Getting so excited about murder and violence."
"And pirates." Brennan added, seemingly engrossed with the bones. Booth shot her a sharp look but her gaze remained firmly on the table in front of her.
- - -
They hit a brick wall on the investigation at about eight, so Booth dragged a reluctant Brennan out to dinner and then escorted her to her door, waiting for her to go in before leaving and promising to be back at seven sharp so they could get an early start.
- - -
Las Vegas, Nevada
"So what, there's another Slayer out there?" Buffy questioned, sitting on the couch with a pillow behind her back. "I'm afraid I don't get the significance of that. Willow made sure that all the Potentials became Slayers with the scythe, remember?"
"Yes Buffy, but this particular Slayer wasn't activated until the incident this afternoon." Giles sighed. "You really must be more careful. How many times has it been now?"
"Umm – five?" Buffy shrugged.
"Could you have made a mistake, Willow?" Giles asked.
"No." Willow shook her head. "I really don't think so."
"Well then, she really is an enigma. Fortunately, Xander has already volunteered to go and talk to her."
Willow and Buffy swung to face their friend. "So – how hot is she?" Buffy asked, smirking.
"Uh, eh, well-" Xander rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
"That hot, huh?" Buffy shook her head. "So, where is Xander off to?"
"Washington D.C."
"Have fun. Call if you get into any trouble." Were Buffy's sage words of advice.
"Make sure Giles doesn't go out on the town and blow all our savings!" Xander shot back before slipping out the door.
- - -
Washington, D.C.
Brennan heard someone knock at the door as she was looking for her jacket. She looked at the clock and frowned. Six forty five? Booth was early.
"Just a second, Booth!" she called, abandoning the search for her coat and heading for the door.
"You're – not Booth." Brennan said to the man standing in front of her door.
"No?" he offered, confused. "Sorry, I'm looking for a-" he looked down at a Post-It he was carrying. "Temperance Brennan?"
"Yes?"
"Oh good!" he exclaimed. "My name's Xander Harris, and I was just wondering if-"
"I'm sorry, I don't give out autographs."
"Autographs? I-"
"You do want an autographed book, don't you?" she asked. "That's why I normally get people knocking on my door."
"No. No autographed book." Xander assured her. "I was wondering if-"
"You could stop harassing my partner, Harris?"
"Hi Booth." Brennan said. "You know Mr. Harris?"
Xander, meanwhile, had shrunk back at the sight of Booth. Brennan cocked her head to the side, trying to see what made her partner look so threatening. Belt buckle, check. Suit, check. Flashy tie, check. Sunglasses, check. Oh, he was glaring. There it was.
"Angel." Xander squeaked, and Brennan frowned. Why on earth was he calling Booth the wrong name?
Booth sighed in exasperation. "Bones, come on we have to get work." She skirted around Xander, locking the apartment door. They got two steps down the hall before Booth turned and glared at Xander, still standing stock still in the hallway. "Come on Xander, I don't have all day."
"Right."
"What have I told you about opening the door to strangers, Bones?" Booth asked, sighing.
"I thought it was you." Brennan shrugged.
- - -
Brennan watched from the passenger seat as Xander stood nervously beside the car. Booth looked out and sighed. "Get in the car!"
The order sent Xander scrambling, and he was in the car and buckled in seconds.
"These windows don't look tinted." Xander said, frowning.
"They aren't." Booth replied shortly. "Listen Bones, I'm going to have to drop you at the Jeffersonian and then come back later, alright?"
Brennan eyed Xander in the backseat. Booth caught the gesture.
"Yep. Him. Don't worry, it shouldn't take too long."
Xander gulped.
- - -
Xander had moved to the front seat after they dropped Brennan off at the Jeffersonian, and Angel (– Booth?) that's what she had kept calling him – drove them to a small diner downtown. They sat down and ordered coffee when the waitress came by before he spoke.
"I'm here, I'm alive, so you can go back to Sunnydale and tell the Scoobies that, and then you can stay the hell out of my life."
"We didn't even know you survived that fight in L.A., actually." Xander said. "And we had to relocate, what with the Hellmouth collapsing Sunnydale and all when it closed. We moved to Vegas, a few months ago now."
"Then why are you harassing my partner?" he demanded.
"Well, Angel, we're pretty sure she's a-"
"She's not." He cut in. "I've worked with her for five years. And I go by Booth now."
"Yeah, I noticed there were a few things that are different." Xander muttered. "But explain how she showed up on the Slayer tracking system the Council created two days ago."
"But Willow turned all the Potentials years ago." Booth argued.
"Well, when Buffy died yesterday, poof! There she was in the system."
"Buffy died?" Booth asked.
"Just for a minute or two. Dawn and Willow shocked her back into life." Xander said. "She's fine."
"Nothing keeps her down for long." Booth muttered.
"So – if you don't mind me asking – how are you walking around during the day?"
Booth laughed. "You want the short version? The Powers That Be made me a deal after we took down Wolfram and Hart. They'd make me human again, and since I'd been, well, dead for almost three hundred years, they made me a family and papers, everything I'd need to live in the human world. Then they dumped me in 1991 with an 18-year-old body and I lived my life normally."
"Why 1991?"
"Who knows why They do anything, Xander?" Booth paused. "Some days I think it's because They wanted me to meet Bones."
Xander stared at him.
"Don't look at me like that; I can still kick your ass." Booth growled.
"Wasn't going to say anything." Xander promised. "So – there were two of you hanging around all this time?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I wanted to call you guys and give you a heads up, but I was never sure what it might do to the timeline if I did. And-"
"You didn't want to accidentally ruin your chance to become human." Xander finished.
"Are you sure about her? She's not exactly in the age range of most Potentials or Slayers."
"Pretty sure." Xander frowned. "Sorry, man."
"I've got to get back to the Jeffersonian." Booth told him, putting some money down for the coffee. "Are you sticking D.C. around for a few days?"
"That's the plan." Xander said, standing up. "I'll just head back to my hotel, catch up with you tonight."
"You might as well stick around. The faster she proves you wrong, the faster you can get back to the Scoobies."
- - -
"Sorry about the mix-up this morning, Bones." Booth said, swiping his card and leading Xander onto the platform. "Harris here was trying to find me and the office gave him the wrong address by accident."
"But he said he was looking for me." Brennan frowned at them.
"You must have misheard." Booth shook his head. "He's out here from Nevada, going to be observing the case. You don't mind, do you?"
"It's fine – as long as he doesn't try to kidnap me and feed me to dogs."
"What?" Xander whispered under his breath.
"The last agent who was observing a case tried to kill her." Booth told him. "Don't worry Bones; I've known Harris since he was 16. He won't do anything. Or I'll shoot him." He grinned at Xander, baring his teeth.
"Good." Brennan said, turning back to the bones. "Oh, and Booth, Zack and Hodgins found out it was a pipe that killed him, cylindrical in shape and roughly two centimetres in diameter. I've narrowed down his age to between fifty and fifty-four and the particulates from the bone show signs of radiation treatment consistent with fatal liver cancer."
"Good job, Bones. Has Angela got a face yet?"
"I gave the skull to her last night and she got in just after me, so maybe. You'll have to go check."
"Come on Harris." Booth coaxed, herding Xander in front of him. "You'll like Angela."
- - -
"Ooh, you're cute!" Angela squealed when she saw Xander. "If only I wasn't engaged. Is he going to be here for a while?" She turned to Booth. "You're probably here about the face though, I finished it about half an hour ago and I have a match."
"You do?" Booth asked, surprised.
"Well, I'm relatively certain. The missing person reports haven't come over yet, so I'm not a hundred percent. But I spent a lot of time watching equestrian events when I was younger." Angela grabbed her tablet and started the Angelator.
"Wow." Xander breathed, watching the 3-D face come to life.
"It's my baby." Angela said proudly, watching him over her shoulder. "The only one of its kind."
"So who is it?" Booth asked.
"This is Barry Faraday, silver medalist for the United States Equestrian team in 1988." Angela announced. "His leg was crushed when his horse fell on him at the 1992 Olympics, and the break never healed right. Bren says the break on our bones is consistent with an accident like that. After that he started his own barn and began training Olympic hopefuls. He's had six students go to the last three Summer Olympics and between them they've gotten four gold and three silvers. Not bad, right?" Angela turned to Booth. "His barn was right outside of D.C. proper."
"Thanks, Angela." Booth said. "It looks like we're rubbing off on you."
"Yeah right." Angela snorted. "Keep dreaming, hot stuff."
"We should go check that out." Booth said, gesturing for Xander to follow.
"See you later, FB-eye candy!" Angela called after them.
- - -
"Looks pretty quiet." Booth said as they drove up to the barn and got out of the car. "Bones, you'll stay with us, right?"
"Yes, Booth." Brennan rolled her eyes.
"Good." He pulled his back up out of the glove compartment and handed it to Brennan before pulling his spare out of the ankle holster and handing it to Xander.
"You do remember how to use it, right?" Booth asked him under his breath. Xander nodded.
"Is this really necessary, Booth?" Brennan asked curiously. "It doesn't even look like anyone's here."
"I have a bad feeling, that's all Bones. Better safe then sorry." Booth said lightly.
"His gut talks to him." Brennan confided to Xander under her breath, and he had to fight to suppress a chuckle. Booth glared at the two of them before moving into the barn. It was shaped like a T, branching off in three separate directions from the entrance.
"No." Booth said before Brennan opened her mouth.
"Logically, it makes sense." Brennan argued.
"You want to pick?" Booth asked Xander.
"Who do I look like, Mad-Eye Moody?" Xander quipped.
"I don't know what that means."
"He's a character from Harry Potter, Bones. You know, the children's book?" Booth said, slinging an arm around her shoulder and leading them down the center aisle.
There was the sound of hurried footsteps at the other end of the aisle, and the three of them stiffened. Booth moved ahead of them, gesturing for Brennan and Xander to stay back. Stubborn as she was, Brennan ignored him, and Xander was never one to back away from a fight, so they moved up to flank him. When they were halfway down the aisle a stall door flew open and a panicked stable hand started to run, targeting Brennan as the easiest way to get by them.
"Don't!" Brennan yelled, punching the guy at the same time. He flew backwards and hit the opposite wall. Booth and Xander stared at her as the kid wheezed in pain, hunched over on the ground. "Don't move or I'll kick you in the testicles." Brennan threatened.
"The way she's feeling today, they'd probably end up in your throat." Xander said, grinning.
The kid's eyes widened as Brennan turned to Booth in confusion. "I don't understand Booth; I can't create enough force to send him flying that far."
"Maybe he tripped." Booth suggested, desperately trying to avoid the fact that was staring him straight in the face.
"Or maybe she's a super strong defender of the human race." Xander said, smirking.
"Okay Booth, you really need to get some non-crazy friends."
"I'm trying Bones, I'm trying." Booth muttered. "Look, let's just figure this whole thing out after we find out who killed Faraday?" The stable hand squeaked and all eyes turned to him.
"I – I might be able to help you with that." He told them, his voice shaky. "But only if she stays far away from me."
- - -
"Bones, give me the gun back."
"No."
"Bones!"
"But I like it!"
"And we already decided you were deadly enough without a gun. Give it back."
"Fine." Brennan said, handing over the gun to Booth.
"Don't sulk Bones, it doesn't look good on you." Booth grinned cheekily at her, and she aimed a half-hearted swat at his shoulder which he quickly dodged.
"You know I wouldn't actually hurt you." Brennan told him, arching her eyebrow.
"Course Bones, but you did throw that guy across the room without trying, so you'll forgive me I feel a little skittish."
Brennan's lips immediately fell into a frown. Booth noticed and slung his arm over her shoulders, pulling her closer.
"I didn't mean that the way it came out Bones. Sorry."
"It's fine, Booth."
"No, it's not. Let me make it up to you? How about we go to the diner and get some food?"
"Okay."
Xander knocked on Brennan's office door and came in, looking nervous. "Ah – Ang – I mean, Booth, when should we–"
"Damn, I forgot about that. Thai at my place instead?" Booth asked Brennan.
"Sure, but what–"
"We'll save that conversation for after dinner."
- - -
"You expect me to believe that there are things like vampires, werewolves, demons and ghosts, Booth?" Brennan demanded. "If this is a joke, it's not very funny."
"Believe me, Bones, I really wish it was a joke." He looked over at Xander. "A little help here?"
"Look, I know how unbelievable it seems." Xander said. "That's what I thought at first, too. Until I saw a vampire myself. Maybe we could take her on patrol?"
"There aren't any vampires in D.C. at the moment." Booth told him.
"That is impressive." Xander whistled.
"Well of course there aren't, they don't exist!" Brennan snapped. "Mr Harris–"
"–Is my father and we don't particularly get along. It's Xander." Xander cut her off before she got too far into her rant.
"Xander has obviously been imbibing on some strong drugs. PCP, perhaps? It does tend to make the user hallucinate." Brennan glared at the younger man.
Xander couldn't stop himself from snorting. "That was the excuse they used in Sunnydale."
"There isn't a town called Sunnydale! It doesn't exist!"
"Not anymore, it doesn't, but it did. Look it up. You're going to have to trust us on this one."
"I don't trust you. I don't even know you."
"But you trust me, right Bones? Isn't there a chance that you could maybe, possibly believe that something like this might be possible?"
"You – I – this flies in the face of rationality, Booth!"
"I know. But I need you to trust me."
"Fine."
"Thank you, Bones."
"But for the record, I still think you're completely crazy." Brennan crossed her arms over her chest and eyed the two men, daring both of them to challenge that statement.
"I can live with that." Booth told her, his lips quirking upwards in a lopsided grin. "But it does explain this afternoon, doesn't it?"
Brennan frowned, thrown by his logic. "Yes, I suppose it does. It would certainly explain some things."
"Like what?" Booth was immediately on the alert.
"Nothing you need to worry about, Booth. It was a long time ago and I don't have three black belts for nothing."
"Well at least you'll be prepared." Xander quipped. "I believe I've explained all I can." He put a business card on Brennan's coffee table. "In case you have any questions, Doctor Brennan." He said. "Although I'm sure A–Booth hasn't forgotten the number." Xander took some satisfaction in seeing the FBI Agent flush. "I should be getting back to Nevada." He let himself out of Booth's apartment.
"So Bones," Xander heard on the way out, "You aren't going to hit me, are you?"
- - -
Las Vegas, Nevada
"You're back early." Giles noted as Xander walked into the Summers residence the next afternoon. "Did it go well?"
"Not exactly, but she's getting there. She's a scientist, needs to believe in cold, hard facts."
"Why didn't you just take her on patrol then?" Buffy asked, walking out of the kitchen with two cups of coffee and tea for the Watcher.
"It seems that Washington D.C. is going through something of dry spell in terms of supernatural occurrences." Xander replied, taking his coffee from Buffy as she sat down on the couch next to him.
"That's odd." Giles said. "There's always some activity going on."
"Well, someone's been taking care of it for us." Xander replied, smirking.
"Is it something we should be worried about?"
"Nah, it's fine."
"When should we send a Watcher over for her?"
"Oh, no need. I left Doctor Brennan in a pair of very capable hands." Xander's smirk grew wider.
"You left a Slayer alone without a Watcher? Xander, I thought you knew better than that!" Buffy chastised.
"I said she was in good hands! So it turns out the guy who was taking care of the supernatural problem, in addition to being the good doctor's partner is also an old friend of ours – and you won't believe who he is!"
End