It's been five years since the battle for St. Canard. Darkwing Duck and his friends have seen many battles in their time, and won. Both Drake and Launchpad are married to the women of their dreams, St. Canard is safer than its ever been, and Gosalyn has even managed to stay out of prison! But alas, dark forces are still conspiring against our heroes, forces that will change their lives forever.
Who's in it: Darkwing Duck/Drake Mallard, Negaduck, Morgana, Launchpad, Gosalyn, Avian, Honker, Sara Bellum, J. Gander Hooter, Vladimir Goudenov Grizzlikof, Negaverse Gosalyn, The Friendly Four, and a cameo from Ford Prefect
Most characters except mine copyright Disney.
Ford Prefect is copyright Douglas Adams (From the incomparable Hitchhiker novels such as Life, the Universe, and Everything) and Ford Motors, I suppose.
The song "When I Seen an Elephant Fly" is copyright Disney as well.
"The song "Yellow" is copyright Coldplay.
As usual, not used with permission, but as always, used with utmost respect and love.
So Long, and Thanks for all the Quacks
By Avian Beakman
PROLOGUE
Knock, knock
"Password."
"Walt sent me."
Darkwing Duck and Launchpad McQuack stood side-by-side in a dark, dank and narrow back alley of St. Canard at midnight. The crime fighting team was disguised, dressed to kill, and dangerously handsome. Their mirror shined shoes glinted when a tiny rectangle of light opened in the blackness.
"Second password." The bouncer demanded.
Launchpad pulled a small, round harmonica from his jacket and tentatively tooted an experimental note. Then he and Darkwing sang:
I seen a peanut stand
Heard a rubber band
I seen a needle wink its eye
But I be done seen
'bout eva-thing
When I seen an elephant flyyyy--eye!
When I seen and eh-ehlephant flyyy!
The heavy door opened suddenly.
"Welcome." Said the bouncer gruffly. "Welcome to the Pink Elephant."
In a moment, Launchpad and Darkwing were immersed in a world of high rollers, hard liquor, hot jazz, loose women, and more shady criminals than you can shake a gas gun at.
Darkwing stood as tall as he could (which wasn't that tall). "Okay, partner. " He muttered. "This is it. Act casual."
"Heyyy." Said Launchpad, winking at a pretty flapper girl.
"Got somethin' in your eye?" She said.
Darkwing fought back a laugh. "Maybe not that casual."
Darkwing and Launchpad had been working undercover for the past two years, known to the criminal underworld as "Aces" McGovern and "Jackie the Blade", assassins for hire. Not a few elaborately hoaxed murders and assorted crimes later, they'd made it. They'd caught the attention of the last crime kingpin in the city, Ricky Parisi. He wanted Aces and Jackie to help his gang. This was to be their first and probably last meeting. Ricky was the final domino to knock down before St. Canard could be free of organized crime.
Darkwing scanned the room through the heavy pink haze to see just the duck he came to see, and it wasn't hard. Years of ill-acquired decadence had made Ricky "The Doughboy" Parisi aptly named. His bulk spread over the velvet booth in the back of the club, surrounded by bodyguards, confidants, muscle, brains, and floosies. Even Ricky's son was there, Tony, surveying everyone with suspicion.
Ricky saw Darkwing, ( AKA "Jackie"), and motioned to two of his thugs to escort Jackie and Aces to the table. Not for the first time, Darkwing swore to himself this would be the last time he and Launchpad would ever do this dangerous undercover work. This would be the night Ricky and all his friends would be captured and face justice.
"So, Aces, Jackie. You kids finally made it down here." Drawled Ricky. His voice was rough from a lifetime of chain smoking, but there was a sophisticated charm to it.
"Yessir." Said Darkwing and Launchpad brightly.
"Love the new password." Said Launchpad.
"I'm partial to it myself." Said Ricky. "You two aren't bad singers either. Who would ever suspect two angel-faced, golden-voiced gents like you are actually pitilessly murdering bastards? Course…", Ricky took a long drag from his cigar. "That's probably one reason why you're so good at what you do."
"Jackie the Blade" shrugged modestly, took the cigar offered to him, and accepted the light. In the smokescreen he observed Ricky's men. Most were the picture of criminality. They were loyal to their leader and had sacrificed a lot to get where they were. Ricky's over-privileged son, Tony, observed the would-be assassins right back. The jealousy and resentment was palatable. Darkwing decided to cut to the chase.
"Who do you have in mind?"
The godfather glanced at the two women at his sides, who produced and opened two suitcases full, of course, with thick stacks of millions.
Darkwing smirked. "That bad, huh?"
"This is all just an advance of course." Said Ricky lightly. "Eliminate Darkwing Duck, and you can name your price."
Launchpad hoped he wasn't sweating as much as it felt. The environment was suffocating, in more ways than one. The past two years had been extremely fun for the most part, taking out bad guys, being cool, ruthless, and funny. Launchpad had felt he could do anything with his friends by his side. Events turned sour in the last few weeks when a girl about Gosalyn's age named Lisa Webb didn't show up for school one morning. Turned out the girl's father had gotten himself indebted to these criminals, and his daughter had been kidnapped until he could pay them back. The similarity between this girl and Gosalyn didn't go unnoticed by Drake, who was furious. The fact he looked so at ease at the moment was impressive. Launchpad was having a hard time staying in character.
Darkwing sat back chuckling. "Kill Darkwing Duck. Isn't that guy amazing? You know, I heard that he may not even be human. He can dodge bullets, disappear… and reappear." Drake vainly wiped imaginary ash from his tailored suit. "What chance do we have against a phantom?"
Ricky Parisi smiled at Drake's arrogance. "I thought I might try fighting phantoms with phantoms this time. Seems like you and he share a lot of similarities."
Darkwing laughed again. "You can keep the cash. What I want …is the girl who brought the money to me."
Everyone's eyes traveled to the beautiful young girl who had opened one of the suitcases full of money, and was now standing in the background, seemingly trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. When she saw that everyone was looking at her, she shrank further into her thick curtain of blonde hair and averted her eyes. She had nowhere to look but the floor. Launchpad didn't get it. Sure, flirting was part of the disguise, but picking up girls like this? What would Morgana think of that?
Right on cue…
"Hey Jackie! Aces! Where have you rascals been? We've been looking for you everywhere!"
Morgana and Avian had arrived.
"And look! I can't believe it! It's Ricky Parisi!" Breathed Avian. "Even more handsome in person!"
Launchpad pretended to cough.
"Launchpad honey."
Launchpad's coughing fit was interrupted with Avian's voice in his head. It was always a weird sensation because Avian was standing right there, and obviously wasn't talking to him out loud. His wife's telepathy could be unnerving.
" Change of plans babe. Darkwing says the blonde is that missing girl. That's Lisa Webb."
"What?!"
"Jackie, Aces, you have impeccable taste." Said Ricky oily, his piggish eyes examining Morgana and Avian head to toe. "You're asking a damn high price, but I admire your taste. Ladies, please excuse my language. It's not everyday the Pink Elephant is graced with such lovely and sophisticated creatures as yourselves."
The two witches tittered girlishly.
Once again, Launchpad heard Avian speak somewhere between his ears.
"Get Lisa out of here as soon as you hear the signal. The code word is 'HONEYWUMPUS.'"
"What?!"
"I didn't stutter!"
"Oh Richard." Said Morgana fondly. "You're such a charmer."
"I have my moments." Said Ricky vainly, kissing Morgana's hand. "Would you grant me the pleasure of your name?"
"Olivia Swanson." Lied Morgana.
"And you are?" Chimed in Tony Parisi to Avian, who seemed to have forgotten his lookout duty.
Avian winked. "Esmeralda."
"Lovely." The gang leader said, and turned around to face "Aces" and "Jackie." "Tell you what…you can have the girl…if you would be willing to part with these ladies for one night."
What's the girl's name?" Asked Darkwing, gesturing to the scared teenager.
"It's Christina. Christina Featherton." Lied Ricky dismissively. His lusty attentions were on "Olivia".
Drake circled the trembling teenager, pretending to chauvinistically mull over the gangster's offer. Darkwing was inwardly seething with rage, looking the girl over for any sign of abuse. Lisa looked so much like his own daughter.
"Well!" said Drake brightly as he spun around. "You may have yourself a deal, if it's okay with my little…honewumpus."
At that moment, a lot of things happened at once. First of all…
"SHUSH! SHUSH! EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" Shouted a chorus of authoritative voices. Agents burst into the speakeasy from the front and back door.
SHUSH may have bit off more than it could chew that night. Everyone was armed to the teeth. Men drew two guns minimum. Weapons were produced from creative spots on those wearing even the skimpiest outfits, and tiny old ladies surgically extracted pistols from little beaded coin purses.
The air was ripped apart and exploded in gunfire. Launchpad threw himself over Avian.
Drake felt a little foolish as he was crushed under Morgana, but he could squint up enough to see some of Ricky Parisi's men quickly lift a raised wood panel from the wall behind them, and climb inside the dark passageway they revealed. Apparently, the corpulent Parisi could move when he had to; squeezing through the narrow passage with surprising speed…with Lisa Webb in tow.
Darkwing got Launchpad's attention by pointing at the tunnel and shouting, rather expecting to be shot as bullets ricoched over nearly every surface around them. Soon the heroes followed as the last of Ricky's men slipped behind the wall. The poured black concrete hallway behind the wall both muffled and magnified the battle taking place inside The Pink Elephant.
They sped through the cool hallway, chasing their quarry through the maze of tunnels, down, down, to what appeared to be a parking garage. A shiny black 1939 Rolls Royce awaited Ricky Parisi and his men to whisk them away on yet another escape from justice.
Tony and the other men reared back as the doors of the car opened and reveled, alas, not their fellows, but SHUSH agents—including the enormous, intimidating form of Vladimir Goudenov Grizzlikof.
"Drop your weapons and put your hands up, or we will be forced to shoot!"
Again with unnatural speed, a desperate Ricky grabbed Lisa, putting a pistol to her head. His son and best bodyguard followed suit, doing the same with Avian and Morgana. Morgana rolled her eyes and Avian fought a smirk.
"No, I rather think you gentlemen should be the ones to put your weapons down." Said Ricky in a genteel tone. "Especially as I don't think you, ruskie, have the guts to be the one to explain to Lisa Webb's parents how she died tragically at your hands, as you tried to take credit for my capture."
Now it was Grizzlikof's turn to smirk. "Who said anything about capture Ricky?" Said Grizzlikof casually. He nodded to his right.
"I have my best sharpshooter with me tonight. If you do not surrender, he'll put a bullet through your pea brain before you get the chance to do anything."
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
Grizzlikov and his men had to duck behind their car, as more gangsters poured into the garage from the hall and opened fire. The SHUSH lieutenant had gotten himself hopelessly outnumbered, or so it seemed…
Tony Parisi had been holding Avian, but soon found her to be too hot to handle—literally. He quickly backed off, and Avian put a hand to the gangster's forehead.
"Goodnight." She said sweetly, as Tony fell over, unconscious.
Morgana had a different approach to her captor, as with a whoosh, he was gagged and hogtied. "You're much too nice." Said Morgana to her cousin.
Launchpad ducked down, but followed and kept a faithful eye on the only real hostage in the room, Lisa. Without her, Ricky had nothing to bargain with. The gangster kept a vise-like grip on her, quickly backing away into the smoke with the girl and some of his other men towards the mouth of the garage.
The garage was dark, and full of smoke and earsplitting noise. Drake was cursing himself for losing sight of Lisa, and cursing Grizzlikof for this raid. Without him, the night would have gone so much smoother, bloodless and less painful. It crossed his mind Grizzlikof may have known about Darkwing's plans to be here, though Drake didn't know how. In any case…
Darkwing pulled the beautiful Chinese sword he had been carrying all night from behind his back. His nickname wasn't "Jackie the Blade" for nothing.
Avian had been helping Morgana disarm the gangsters, when she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder. For a moment, she thought she was the one who was hurt, and then she realized something worse.
"Launchpad!" Avian saw Darkwing approach to help Morgana, and hurried off into the smoke to find her husband.
Drake found his wife and followed her as she used her magic to incapacitate the endless stream of people who poured out from the hall. This was a difficult thing, because even with her power, there were still only so many she could concentrate on at once, on top of the SHUSH agents putting up a valiant effort on the other end.
Drake expertly wielded his sword the Emerald Fate, deflecting gunfire from anyone who he saw had Morgana in their line of fire. Drake would also dive in, Shing! Shing! Cutting the barrels of guns, or wounding someone just enough to take them out of the fight. That 'no killing' policy can really cramp your style sometimes. Drake was doing a pretty good job if he said so himself (and he did), when suddenly he wheeled around in horror to see one of Ricky's men, aptly nicknamed "snakes", flying towards Morgana from behind.
Meanwhile, Avian ran towards the entrance of the garage---even though the fog was thick, she found Launchpad, she could taste his pain; but apparently, he was still running.
"Aces!" Said Avian, catching up with Launchpad. "Are you okay?"
"Fine, just got hit in the shoulder, stray bullet probly." Said Launchpad through his teeth. "You gotta go ahead and get her." Said Launchpad, who's eyes were still fixed where Lisa had been.
Avian sharply drew a long line in the air, and her broom appeared. "Enough!" She said, and flew off ahead.
Lisa Webb was more than out of breath as she was dragged along by the huge hammy hand of Ricky Parisi. They were finally at the giant electric door of the garage, when suddenly, she felt Ricky let go of her, and saw him and all his men inexplicably lifted into the air, and hoisted upside down. They all shouted in confusion and fear until Lisa heard a dark voice say "Be still." And the gangsters were silent and still. Lisa turned around to see the beautiful young woman from the speakeasy glance up at the statue-like and floating gangsters with profound disgust.
Lisa didn't say a word as the woman smiled down at her. She reached out her hand. "Lisa Webb, Please come with me."
Launchpad had been leaning against the side of the garage, torn up about what to do. He had never felt more shamefully useless than at that moment, wounded and unarmed. Then, out of the fog, stepped Lisa and Avian, with an ugly cloud of mobsters floating behind them. Lisa watched in amazement as Avian knelt down and placed her hand over Launchpad's wound. When she took her hand away, everything, including Launchpad's jacket looked good as new.
"Gotcha a souvenir." Said Avian, smiling, with a bullet in her teeth.
Launchpad frowned. "Don't overdo it." He said.
"Oh honey, I'm the very model of restraint." Said the witch, who kissed Launchpad sweetly and skipped off into the fog of the ongoing fray, trailed by floating gangsters.
"Who are you people?" Said Lisa.
Launchpad chuckled nervously. "Well, we might be weird, but we're the good guys."
With all heart wrenching dread that he'd never save Morgana in time, Drake launched himself forward with all his might, deflecting the poisonous fangs of the snake from Morgana's neck, as he felt one of its' fangs plunge into his own right side. Drake's sword was now useless in his right hand, so he switched to his left and returned the favor with the Emerald Fate, burying it into Snake's chest.
Morgana wheeled around, and her eyes widened in shock. Darkwing was in shock too for a moment, blood spattered, watching Snakes and his arm with an almost comic morbid curiosity. Drake knew he'd really done it now. He'd really killed this guy. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, and without thinking, Drake got the idea to speak to the only person he knew who could help. He reached out to her with his mind. He knew he was asking a lot of her, and she might not even be able to do it.
"Please save him if you can."
Avian nodded. Immediately, the floating gangsters fell unceremoniously to the floor, and the air suddenly became thick with a dangerous electricity. It was a frightening few seconds, as one felt suddenly extremely vulnerable and. An inaudible voice, yet no less distinct, was heard in the mind of everyone in the garage. "STOP FIGHTING."
Almost comically, like scolded children gangster and SHUSH agent alike stopped fighting, their weapons seeming suddenly useless and feeble.
Avian hadn't waited for everyone to stop fighting, but strode across to the still form of the gangster bleeding on the floor. Avian's face was already shiny with sweat, and she shook as she assessed this guy. He was dead.
Launchpad and Lisa cautiously walked in on the scene. The smoke was lifting a little, and it was eerily silent in the garage. The distant sirens of Grizzlikof's impending backup were the only noise.
Launchpad had seen his wife heal people before plenty of times, and he was one of the few people who appreciated how much life and energy it took out of her to do it.
Morgana looked into her cousins' eyes and knew the truth. There wasn't going to be any talking her out of what she was about to do.
"I'll need some help…afterwards." Mentioned Avian. She grinned up at Morgana and Drake. "Stand back, this could get ugly."
Avian took off her shoes, and laid her whole body on top of the lizard's body. If that wasn't gross enough an idea as it was, she tried to get as much contact as possible: hand to hand, foot to foot, check to cheek. Then the girl of goddess-like power took a deep shuddering breath, and the air filled once more with a dangerous electricity. Every feather, every hair, every scale stood on end, as a pressure built up in the room that made it feel as if it would burst apart. Some people yelled as the pressure seemed almost too much to take; then abruptly, it stopped.
Launchpad feared the worst for a second, as Avian did not move at first…but then she rolled over onto the floor slowly, and the once-dead gangster began to groan. Morgana conjured some ropes around him, and then attended to her weakened cousin. Launchpad rushed over.
Thankfully, Grizzlikof's backup finally arrived, and police and SHUSH agents came to collect perhaps their largest roundup ever. Surprisingly, SHUSH's director, J. Gander Hooter came as well, looking over the scene.
The Russian bear known as Vladimir Grizzlikof looked over at Darkwing Duck. It was an odd look.
Darkwing scowled. He was sure Grizzlikof had followed him. He couldn't prove it though.
"Excellent work everyone. Excellent work." J. Gander Hooter beamed.
"Excellent…" Said Darkwing mildly, about to take a step towards the aging SHUSH director. "Which part? The song, the wardrobe, or the bit where our cover was COMPLETELY BLOWN?!"
Darkwing never quite landed the step he'd intended to. He stumbled, fell over, and lay still on the floor. And didn't get up.
Someone swore, Launchpad turned Drake over, and pulled Drake's hand from inside his jacket. It was red.
"Get away from him!" Ordered Morgana.
She and Avian knelt down, and placed their hands over Drake's wounded side. Everyone felt a curious sort of electricity charge the air. Healing magic sank into Drake's body. Avian's eyes widened and she whispered to Morgana.
"He's been poisoned, and there's no time to make an antidote. I'm gonna draw out the poison, and then you take it from there."
Morgana looked up at Avian horrified. Sweat poured off Avian's face and she could barely stand. Morgana knew her cousin may not have the strength for such complex magic, and stay alive. Still she nodded.
The younger witch closed her eyes and a long, thin stream of clear liquid began to siphon from Drake's wound and onto the floor. Avian was breathing hard and shaking badly…but then the stream of liquid tapered off into nothing, and Launchpad scooped his wife into his arms before she fell over.
Morgana quickly closed and healed her husband's body.
"All right, Darkwing." Said Morgana sharply. "Wake up. I mean it."
Though it seemed much too long, in seconds Drake was almost good as new. He stood up and dusted himself off. He looked to Morgana, Launchpad, and Avian (all of whom paler and thinner than he had ever seen them), and turned to James Hooter.
"I quit."