I do not own 'Star Wars' or anything related.
It is known as one of the greatest series of films ever made. It had changed the face of the film industry forever. One of the most iconic films series of all time…
IS GETTING A MAKEOVER! Say hello to the brand new 'Star Wars'!
('Star Wars' title appears with the usual music)
No, no, no! Like this!
(New 'Star Wars' title appears with a metallic thud, coloured silver and rusty)
That's better! Featuring new less than perfect takes on all your favourite characters, like Luke Skywalker, now an angry teenager named Luke Lars!
"I hate you so much Uncle Owen and I wish your were dead!" Luke screamed at his uncle.
Later he finds his home in ruins and the burnt corpses of his aunt and uncle.
"Well…at least I got my wish. Wait a minute, Luke Lars?"
That's right! Now 'Skywalker' is just your call sign when you join the rebellion, which we've now renamed the resistance, along with other call signs such as 'Wedge', 'Darklighter', 'Starkiller' and 'Solo'! We've also given you a brand new outfit!
"You've given me a keffiyah and a thawb?"
Well trousers and an uncovered head aren't exactly practical in a desert climate you know!
Let's also meet the brand new Han Solo!
The pilot turns around. It is a woman with short dark brown hair with a cigar in her mouth.
"Hi, I'm Hannah Trace, but everyone calls me Han. Chewie told me that you're looking for a ship."
"Chewie?" Luke asks, "Where's Chewie? All I see is a tall hairy guy."
"Yeah. That's Chewie."
"WHAAAA?"
That's right, folks! Goodbye aliens, cos this is human town now!
( A 'No Aliens' sign appears)
"Welcome to the club," Says an alien from 'District 9'.
There's also Princess Leia!
"Actually Leia's just my state name. My real name is Britney."
Obi-Wan Kenobi, who in this continuity is actually named Ben Kenobi!
"Help me Ben Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
"Yeah, I don't think so," Replied Ben in a raspy voice.
"Wait, what? Didn't you hear what the message said?" Luke asked.
"Yes, but I'm now a reluctant former soldier who no longer cares about the world."
Ben downs half a pint of scotch.
"Want some?" He asked Luke.
If you think this looks good, wait until you see the scenes where Ben's ghost talks to Luke!
"Luke, I am here to guide you and the Resistance as well as teach you about the Force and improve your faith in it."
"Okay, I get that, but do you really have to appear to me in these corridors where everyone is watching me talking to myself making them think that I'm crazy?"
"Would you prefer that I appear to you in a daydream like state?"
"Yes, this is a lot better!"
Darth Vader!
"I Suppose you have also given me a real first name or something?"
Oh no! You get to keep your name!
"Thank you."
However, your suit is now coloured grey, you no longer have the cloak, and you wear a military uniform over your suit!
"…I feel somewhat raped here."
It's funny you should mention that! Cos along with introducing alcoholism, we're bringing in a load of adult themes such as rape, along with drug use, adultery, and a rebel alliance with more questionable methods.
"For freedom!" Cried a resistance fighter before blowing himself up and taking along with him everything in the nearby area.
Also featured are a whole load of new characters with real western names like Jack or John or Bill.
Let's also meet the new emperor, who has gone from a white faced man in a black robe to a non-scared man in military garb.
"But that doesn't spell evil!" Palpatine complained, "Not in the same way!"
Evil? There's no such thing as good and evil in this remake anymore! Now there are shades of grey on both sides!
"Sometimes I question our methods of bringing order to the galaxy," confessed an imperial officer.
"Me too," confided his colleague.
"And me three!" Mentioned a passing storm trooper.
Speaking of the stormtroopers, you remember how their predecessors were clones? Well now, the majority ARE clones! There are many copies. About 7 or twelve or eight models I believe.
"So wait are you telling me there's no dark side of the force anymore?"
Nope! Now's it's just one sided.
"You've gotta be kidding me."
Also C-3PO has gone from a guy in a suit to a twelve feet tall CGI robot!
"Not even George Lucas dared to CGI me!"
Instead of lasers, now everyone shoots bullets!
RATTATATATATAT!
And all the clothing is replaced with modern day western clothing!
And instead of lightsabers, normal katana are used!
"Wait what? Then how are we supposed to defend myself against weapons fire with an ordinary sword!" Demanded Luke.
You must use the force to detect and slice the bullets!
Sit back and enjoy the new take on the relationship between Luke and Darth Vader.
"Ben never told you what happened to your father."
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
"No."
Actually that's true this time round!
"Wait what? So we're not related anymore?"
Oh you are! You are now his uncle!
"-No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!"
Yep. Now you and Anakin are twin brothers who you betrayed and murdered!
"Oh come on now! What does my mask not make that breathing sound anymore?"
Oh no it does! We need something from the original series to tie in viewers!
"Thank you!"
But now you're also a conflicted man over what you're doing is right or not.
"You're kidding, right?"
Nope!
Yes. Well known cliché twists have now been replaced with brand new ridiculous plot twists!
"Yes. I Lando Calrissian, who was once a black man but is now an Asian woman, am a sleeper agent for the Galactic Empire. Oh, and I'm also a robot."
"You mean a droid?"
"Potato, potato."
"You do realise that you just got rid of the only main character who was black, don't you?"
Oh don't worry, we'll make up for it by putting in loads of minor and antagonistic black characters!
And not every main character will make it this time.
"Chewie! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hannah screamed as Chewie is gunned down by stormtroopers.
"Oh my Force! They killed Chewie!" Luke cried.
"You blaptards!" Britney shouted.
"Oh well. He was bound to die eventually." Luke stated.
Will the Resistance defeat the Empire this time round?
"Hey, if worst come to shove we could always escape to that planet in a galaxy far, far away through that wormhole!"
Through a wormhole, it can be seen that Earth is on the other end.
"Of course! That explains everything! Accept how a predominantly white western English speaking society that uses the Latin alphabet could give way to every culture on Earth and how things like English, the Latin alphabet and classical religion could resurface tens of thousands of years later."
Watch as we take the fantastical show you grew up on and make it more dark and gritty and realistic with grey characters!
"How is a show where there is artificial gravity, faster than light travel, bipedal robots, where every habitable planet has the exact kind of flora where they conveniently don't show any of the indigenous wildlife and where everyone wears modern day clothing and drive cars despite this being a FRIGGIN FUTURISTIC SOCIETY realistic in any way?" Luke shouted.
And by realistic we actually mean more relatable to real world issues!
"But the whole reason people watched 'Star Wars' in the first place was because of its fantastical nature!" Luke complained.
That won't stop us!
'Star Wars: The Re-imagined Series'! Coming soon.
"And I thought the 2004 release was sacrilegious!" Hannah remarked.
Commentator: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Sammy: Boss! What's wrong?
Professor: You look as white as a sheet, Sir.
Commentator: Oh-oh Professor, I had the most horrible nightmare! I dreamt that they did to 'Star Wars' what they did to 'Battlestar Galactica', only instead of creating a brilliant award winning series that was over twice as long as it predecessor and had a proper conclusion that successfully rejuvenated the franchise and spawned loads of others, it just horribly mutilated the old series!
Sammy: Well don't worry, Boss! At least you're back here with us!
Commentator: But it's not gonna happen, is it Prof? No one is going to try to remake Star Wars like that, are they?
Professor: Well unlike most films and TV series Star Wars is the sole property of its creator, but then again, although it may be nothing like BSG, there's always a chance that a remake will be made in the future.
Commetnator: No! No!
Professor: But of course remakes tend to be awful so even if it was made people will tend to forget them. It's remakes of series that tend to be successful.
Commentator: Huh. That's true I guess. So even if someone was intent on updating 'Star Wars', people will probably hate it.
Sammy: I dunno Boss. Maybe a re-imagining is just what 'Star Wars' needs!
Commentator: What.
Sammy: I mean sure a fantastical series was fine for the twentieth century, but this is the twenty-first now! Sci-fi shows where people wear modern day clothing, shoot lead instead of lasers, have real names instead of made up ones, and where there are no aliens but different human cultures are all the rage nowadays. Also this would give people a chance to create distinct human cultures and a new history without the whole 'twenty five thousand year' old republic and-
(Commentator brings up a gun and blasts Sammy away)
Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Sammy crashes into several things off screen. A cat can be heard screeching)
Commentator: Anyone who DARES to comtemplate reimagining Star Wars will be shot. Leave all the gritty 'realism' for the expanded universe! Or fanfiction. But don't even THINK about trying to make some kind of reimagined Star Wars fanfic! That goes for you too, Anonymius!