Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, nor the extended universe of Star Wars.
A/N: This takes place in and before the book Sacrifice by Karen Traviss. It's from the POV of Mara Jade Skywalker, in second person to Ben, her son. The song I've stolen lyrics from and placed them throughout this little vignette is called "I'll Stay", and is by the epic band "Cadia". Mara has always been one of my favorite characters, but they killed her off before she had a chance to be really spectacular. Silly writers. So this is my little tribute to the only Sith-turned-Jedi for whom I have any respect. Enjoy!
I'll Stay
You're moving faster than an outbound train
Trying to find a way to outrun pain
Oh Ben. Watching you is like watching myself. Something in those pale green eyes—that flash of bitterness and shame—brings back the past in a way that nothing else ever could.
Your friend is dead. Jori, was it? And—moons of Endor—you've become an assassin. An assassin. Like mother like son. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or give you a hug, because at least I can understand something of what's going through your mind now.
"Mom, have you ever had to do something you didn't want to do, but knew you had to?"
Fourteen-going-on-forty. You're so grown up—the little child I held in my arms is becoming a man. But you're confused, aren't you, Ben? I want to help—want to be a stay for you during the pain and hurt and confusion, if only you will let me.
Yes, your friend is dead. Your cousin…well, let's not even think of Jacen now—of the way he's taken control of you and twisted you to be his slave. He makes you do things that you know are wrong—makes you see and hear things that make you even more confused than before. I hate him for it almost as much as I love you.
And every time you start to come undone
You always start to run
There is hesitation and anger in your eyes—confusion and pain and the look that says "Get out of the way because things are about to completely break." I grip your hands tightly—don't run from me, Ben. I love you loveyouloveyou so much and nothing could change that—not if you became an assassin like me, not even if you turned Sith, stang it! You're mine. My child. And maybe it's my fault as much as Jacen's that you are what you are.
"This is what we made you, isn't it? We wanted you to be like us. We wanted you to be a Jedi and do your duty…"
My heart is breaking for you I admit
It's hard to watch you fall apart like this
Lumiya is after you. She wants you dead. I will do anything to stop her, my Ben. I used to be the best, you know. Palpatine's assassin. The Emperor's Hand. Luke once asked if anything would ever turn me back to the dark side. I said no. But if it would save you, Ben, I would in an instant.
"Please, Ben, don't hide from me. Ever."
This new trick you've learned—is it Jacen's way of taunting me? Of saying that now he can take my son from me with the force as well as with emotional ties? You feel guilty, Ben—guilty for Jori's death, but not for the man you killed with deadly accuracy. "Folding-stock Karpaki, frangible round"—oh Ben! You've become like me.
And I can't begin to know your sorrow
I have not walked far inside your shoes
And I wish you would let me love you through this
"You'll be okay. I'll always be there, remember. Call me?"
You nod and lean forward to kiss me. I loveyou Ben. Love you for who you are no matter what. I love that you will talk to me and kiss me even while you are mourning for your friend—how long has it been since I lost a friend? Never when I was young, for I had none. You're learning such important lessons—lessons that I didn't learn until Karrde; stang, until your father!
You whisper the secret of your mission in my ear. I smile, but I can tell by the way you look at me that you know it isn't sincere. The secret means nothing to me—that you told me means more.
"Thank you," I say quietly, stroking your cheek. "I love you, Ben." Loveyouloveyouloveyou. "Call me, okay?"
"Love you, too, Mom."
And then you're gone.
And if he sees the sparrow fall or fly
Watches the lilies open to the sky
Then how much more does he love you and I
Sometimes it's hard to just believe it's true
Betrayal feels like a lightsaber in the gut, but it stays longer. That's one lesson I can't save you from, dearest. You've got to learn it someday—though right now I wish it could be later because you look so hurt. I should have known Jacen wasn't to be trusted, though I never thought that he and Lumiya…oh Ben. And I actually defended him against your father. What a fool I am.
We talk about Ziost and Ship. You're upset because you handed Ship over to Jacen, and now he's given it to Lumiya. But Ben…Ben, none of that matters. All that matters is that you are safe. My Ben…my dear Ben.
It's not about the galaxy. Enough of the galaxy. The galaxy can look after its own problems for a while.
I feel myself choking back tears and hold your hands tightly in mine.
This is about my child, my only child, and some Sith scum trying to kill him while his own cousin helps her do it.
But if you can't I will still be leaving for you
You're just a kid, Ben, but you're taking it like a man. You trust me—trust that what I say is right, that you have to be careful and stay away from him. Pride, stronger than Corellian Whiskey, shoots through my veins, tingling and wonderful because you're a man now, Ben. My brave man. Not a boy anymore—but you are, still, somehow. And my boy needs protecting, no matter how much he's learned about being an assassin.
Lumiya is dead. At least, she will be once I get my hands on her. And Jacen…if Jacen ever even thinks he can take you from me, I'll kill him too. Because suddenly, when you are threatened, Ben, the fact that he's my nephew and that I can remember when he was drooling all over stuffed wampas vanishes because I know what I have to do. It doesn't matter that Han and Leia may always hate me. It doesn't matter that Jaina may never forgive me.
You are all I care about, Ben. I loveyou.
Cause I'll stay with you, even in your darkest night
Wait with you, for a little shot of light
Cry with you, if the angels never come
I think about you a lot on the flight to Hapes. The way your eyes were dry even though I knew you'd been crying—the way the weight of your hand pressed into my hand. I'll always be here for you. Call me?
I'll be the one who hopes with you
There will be a better day
So hold onto every little piece of faith
As long as it takes I'll stay
I'll stay
Cold fills me—cold anger as I embrace the dark side. Jacen waits for me; I can hear him breathing and feel the hum of his lightsaber. I dive. We fight.
Why do we fight, Ben? You're gonna be asking that question soon enough, when one or both of us lies dead among the rubble in this tomb. And I don't want you to feel any blame or guilt when you hear me tell you that I fought for you.
The future stretches out in front of you, Ben, spotless and untainted by the touch of a Sith. Jacen is the hand that seeks to spin it off course, but I can'tcan'tcan't let him do that. Because you must be allowed to live—to love—to become everything you are meant to be. Maybe you'll become a Jedi and do your duty after all. Maybe you'll be the one to restore justice to the galaxy.
Stinging in my thigh—a dart quivers and falls.
"What the stang have you done to me?"
His eyes gleam with unnatural brightness, but the words that come from his mouth are confusingly garbled. I feel myself slump, feel everything numb.
So. This is it. The Emperor's Hand defeated by her own nephew. Knew I should never have married that farmboy. I snicker. Not that marrying the farmboy didn't work out all right after all.
BenBenBenBenBenBen. Your face fills my mind—the face that Jacen used to throw me off guard. I'msorrysorry I failed. Fist clench. Unclench. I loveyou. Loveyouloveyouloveyou. I will always love you, Ben. Death is nothing compared to my love for you. I'm sorry I can't stay—I know you'll need me more than anything now. But now you have to go to your father for guidance. Your father.
Luke…I reach out to the farmboy who is my heart. Farmboy. Farmboy, I love you.
Breathe. Breathe. I glare and feel a moment of victory as I watch Jacen's battered face take on a look of haunted fear.
"Luke…will crush you…I…will not…let you destroy the future…for my Ben."
And then I'm flying, soaring over the galaxy. I see him in the cockpit of his silly fighter and run my hand through his sandy hair one last time. My love. My life.
Farmboy…
I let go with his name burning in my mind, but it was your name, Ben, that was the last word I ever spoke.
Finis.