WARNING!!!: THIS FIC CONTAINS STUPID HUMOR, OFFENSIVE HUMOR, DIRTY HUMOR, CHARACTER BASHING AND MANY POINTLESS MOVIE QUOTES AND CLICHES! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, West Side Story, The Lion King, 101 Dalmations, Blue Collar TV, the Miss America song, Talladega Nights, Kung Pow, Tara Lipinski, or any of the fine products that are mentioned in this fic.
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Lord Elrond and the Pesky Booger
By: Ponytail Goddess
"Powder me daaaahhhrling…" Said a very comfortable Elrond as he smoked from his foot-long, silver cigarette holder on the couch. He was lying down, propped up with an assortment of velvet pillows and was being fanned with a large palm branch by a highly irritated Erestor. "You wouldn't want my fine lines showing at the important meeting, now would you Glorfindel?"
"Teeheeheehee!!!" Glorfindel giggled in a high voice as he brought the large powder puff over to Lord Elrond and began to powder him up excessively, more powder ending up on Lord Elrond's dark blue robes than on his face. "I'll make you look just perfect Lord Elrond. Fine lines are ssssooooooo 2nd Age…like, totally!!!"
A cloud of glittery powder hung over Lord Elrond and Erestor as Glorfindel turned away to find some ruby red lipstick. Erestor, being allergic to such things, started making hacking noises and very gracefully hocked a loogie into a nearby plant.
"More fan Erestor!!!" Elrond yelled out in his annoying little English school boy voice, as if Erestor was standing in the next room rather than a foot away from him, "I cannot feel the fan!!!"
A now even more disgruntled Erestor fanned even harder, muttering under his breath, "8,585,329 days until retirement…8,585,329 days until retirement…"
Putting an arm around Erestor, Glorfindel gave a cheeky, insincere smile and said, "Erestor…you are sssssooo tense today. Are you constipated again?"
"Yes Erestor, have you pooped today?" Elrond chimed in, thinking that he was helping solve the problem, "I think we could all be a little more cheerful if you just stepped out into the woods and had yourself a nice bowel movement." With that said, Elrond put out his cigarette on Erestor's black, goth-style robe.
However, this was simply the last straw for the stuffy advisor. He started to shake with fury, then threw down the palm fan and screamed, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!"
Ignoring him, Elrond checked his Rolex to see if it was time yet…
"Oooooh, oooooh!!!" Glorfindel squealed, jumping up and down with giggly, girly excitement, "Is it time yet?!? IS IT TIME YET!!!???!!!"
"Not quite-"
"MOMMY!!!" Erestor screamed suddenly, staring at Elrond with an odd look in his eyes, "Can I have a pony…a white one? Oh, can I mommy, can I?"
Both Glorfindel and Elrond stared at Erestor as he started to skip around the room quite merrily, chanting "I'm the king, I'm the king!!! Mufasa was!!!"
"Do you think it was something I did or said?" Elrond quietly whispered to Glorfindel, who had lost interest in Erestor after about three seconds and was now toying with one of his fake nails.
"Nah, it's probably just because it's May and we haven't taken down the Christmas decorations yet...teeHEE!!!!"
"That's what I thought…" Elrond replied. "Erestor, why don't you take a five minute break before finding the twins. I am still depending on you to keep them out of trouble during the council meeting…" Elrond called after Erestor as he skipped out of the room.
"You follow ol' Rafiki, he knows de way!!!" was the only response he received from Erestor, followed by a few loud crashes and the sound of priceless china breaking.
Before Elrond could go check out the damage, Glorfindel grabbed his arm and jumped up and down, squealing like Tara Lipinski at the Olympics. "What?!?" Elrond asked in an angry and demanding voice, trying his best to cover his ears with the one hand that Glorfindel was not occupying.
"IT'S TIME!!! IT'S TIME!!!!!!" Glorfindel shrieked, pointing at the digital clock that was on the coffee table.
Elrond gasped and looked again at his Rolex. "Indeed, it is time!!! Bring forth the tiara!"
Giddily, Glorfindel trounced over to a small safe in the corner and quickly clicked in the code. The clicking of several locks unbuckling could be heard as several doors on the safe opened up; as the final one opened, smoke poured out from within the safe, making Glorfindel choke and gag a bit before removing the precious plastic, silvery tiara from its resting place on a royal blue pillow.
As Glorfindel set the lovely fake tiara upon Elrond's head, a few random elves ran into the room and started to sing, "There she is…Miss America…" That is, until Elrond shooed them away.
If anyone was going to sing about the moment, it was going to be him.
Fluttering his eyelashes as a harp role played in the background, Elrond put on a sappy stage smile and prepared to sing his little heart out. "I feel pretty…oh so pretty…" He sang, twirling and whirling around the room as Glorfindel swayed to the music.
"I feel pretty, and witty, and GAAAAAAAAAAY!!!" Elrond belted out, tripping over a curtain as he sang the last word. To avoid falling, he grabbed the curtain, but only managed to rip the entire thing down, revealing a very surprised council of beings.
"Dear Vala, that is the ugliest ellith I've ever seen!" Boromir cried out.
Quickly getting to his feet, Elrond took his place in the council circle, only to find that he could only see a few people, as there was a giant Christmas tree in the middle of the room. Muttering something about Erestor's laziness, Elrond quickly pushed the tree out of the way and started the counsel meeting.
"Greetings friends, you have been summoned here today to answer a threat of epic proportions, a threat so big that it would tower over the Sears Tower, a threat so weighty that it would flatten the two-ton twins in the National Enquirer, a threat so fearsome that it would send the Terminator running home to his a mommy, a threat-"
"For the love of Elbereth, GET ON WITH IT!!!" Screamed Figwit, utterly irritated by his lord's rambling.
Upon hearing this, Elrond frowned and whined, "I've got a booger stuck in my nose and I cannot get it out!!!"
The entire crowd gasped…except for Aragorn, of course, as he was too busy sniffing magic markers to pay attention to much of anything.
"What is this evil of which you speak?" A very pregnant Legolas asked as he rubbed his expanded belly.
"Sounds like a personal problem." Boromir said, rolling his eyes. He could not believe that he had shaved his legs for this.
"It is quite simple." Elrond stated, pacing back and forth across the room, "It has been stuck in there for months. Every time I inhale and exhale, I can feel it move, but it will not come loose when I pick my nose! I need your help! I cannot do this alone!" He cried out desperately.
"You have my tweezers!" Cried Figwit, standing up.
"And my flashlight!" Said Legolas. He stood and waddled over to Elrond, shining the flashlight up his nostrils to inspect the impeding object.
"Congratulations on your child Legolas…" Elrond said, making small talk as Legolas put on his reading glasses and stared up his nose. "May I enquire as to who the father is?"
Legolas frowned at the question. "Twas a Balrog of Morgoth."
"A BALROG?!?" Elrond hissed.
"Yes…oh, he was so hot and fiery…I simply could not resist the heat that emanated from his deliciously burning body. Even though the stupid bastard left me high and dry, I still have dreams about that night…it was the best sex I ever had…" Legolas said, getting a dreamy look in his eyes towards the end of his personal reflection, which had frozen Elrond in shock. This shock was quickly broken, however, when Legolas proclaimed, "Ah-HA!!! I see the blockage!"
"How bad is it?" Elrond asked as Legolas probed the area.
"Pretty bad…hey, wait a second…flashlights have not been invented yet…" Legolas remarked, staring at the handheld light. It immediately disappeared into thin air. "Damn." Legolas said, missing his object from the future immensely.
"Wait a second…" Figwit cried, "The dwarves are good at delving into things! Surely they will know of a way to rid us of the foul beast that is residing in Elrond's nose!"
Everyone turned and stared at the three dwarves that were sitting at the counsel meeting. They quietly whispered to themselves and then the ringleader said, "We must consult…the Gimli."
"The Gimli?" Elrond questioned, his eyebrow raising up so high that it formed a small rainbow over the top of his head.
"The Gimli." They confirmed, nodding to an elf by the torn down curtain. Exotic Middle Eastern music started to play as what appeared to be a golden statue of a dwarf was rolled, sitting in the lotus position and garbed in a crude toga. However, upon second glance, it was quite clear that the statue was actually a living and breathing dwarf who was just sitting still on the pedestal.
"Oh great and wise Gimli, fairest of the deep delvers, do you know a way to remove the booger from Lord Elrond's nose?" One of them asked, bowing down in respect to the all-knowing statue.
Everyone waited.
The statue said nothing.
One of the dwarves shrugged with a cheesy grin on his face. "We must have used too much golden spray paint again…his lips are glued together. Perhaps another time…?"
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Boromir said, with a massive eye roll. Quickly, he was up on his feet and strode over to Lord Elrond. He grabbed the Peredhil's chin in one hand and jammed his finger up his nose before he could protest.
"I think I've got it!" He cried, and yanked his finger out. "Nope, just a marble…let's try again."
As everyone watched Boromir pull keys and other assorted objects out of Elrond's nose, two sneaky figures dressed in black ninja suits jumped down from the roof and snuck around to the golden statue, a.k.a. the Gimli. Though the two made quite a bit of noise as they pushed the cart with the statue down the stairs, they were surprisingly unnoticed by the entire council. Faster than a speeding bullet, the twins wheeled the dwarf away.
"Mmmm…dwarf. The other white meat." Elladan said, licking his chops.
"I'll go start the fire and prepare the spit; you go get some seasonings and an apple for his mouth!" Elrohir cried, running in the opposite direction.
"Shh!" Elladan said to all of the happy readers who are currently reading this fic, "What happens in Rivendell, stays in Rivendell!"
Meanwhile, back at the counsel meeting, Boromir continued to pull items out of Elrond's nose…
"I think I have it this time, for real…nope, just a lawnmower…."
"Here," Legolas said, pushing Boromir out of the way, "Let me try these pliers…"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Elrond screamed like a girl, "NOT PLIERS!!!!!" Determined not to have a pair of pliers shoved up his nose in the place of his lawnmower, Elrond quickly ran for cover, hiding behind the Christmas tree.
Thinking he was safe, Elrond let his shoulders sag as he sighed with relief. However, a yank on his arm made him emit another high pitched scream.
"Hey Elrond…you want some crack?" An obviously high Aragorn asked him, opening his coat jacket to reveal several little bags of a powdery white substance.
Screaming again, Elrond ran back out into the council, unknowingly walking into a fight between Lindir and Legolas about who could sing Christmas carols better.
Grasping his head at the total chaos, Elrond screamed, "THAT'S IT!!! IF YOU CANNOT HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEM, THEN JUST LEAVE!!!" After saying this, he proceeded to choke on his own spit.
Everyone went silent stared at their feet sullenly. Of course, this was the moment that Erestor chose to run into the council chamber and throw open his formal robes to reveal his birthday suit to the entire council. "SO READY FOR LOVE!!!" He screamed, then quickly closed his robes again, "But I don't want you to think I'm a slut!" He said, then quickly scampered off singing something about being a lumberjack…
"Oh look…" Glorfindel said with a giggle, "I totally found this bottle of Nasonex in my purse! It should like, totally be able to take care of your pesky booger that won't go away! Tee-HEE!!!"
Ripping the bottle away from the giggly Glorfindel, Elrond carefully read the directions on the back of the bottle. "Two squirts in each nostril…" He muttered, then quickly sprayed it up his nostrils.
A loud rumbling noise started to come from Elrond's nose. Suddenly, a meatball-sized piece of green snot rolled out of his nose and onto the ground. Quickly, Legolas ran up, grabbed it and started to eat it.
"EWWWWW!!!" Glorfindel screamed.
"What?" Legolas asked calmly, not understanding what everyone was getting in a huff about. "It is a natural nugget of the nose. We cannot let good food go to waste…there are children starving in Africa, for Pete's sake!"
"Ah…sweet relief…" Elrond said, tossing the bottle back to Glorfindel. "Thank you, my friend."
"HEHEHE!!!" Glorfindel replied, adding in a squeal for good measure.
"Okay, now onto a much smaller matter…" Lord Elrond started in as he paced the floor, "Sauron's ring of power has-"
"Nobody cares about the ring of power! When's dinner?!?" Yelled one of the more obnoxious dwarves.
"Yes, something certainly smells delicious…" Said Figwit, getting up out of his chair and starting towards the kitchen. Quickly, all of the council members left Elrond standing all alone, holding the ring of power in his hand. Suddenly, dark clouds filled the sky and thunder and lightning blasted through the dark sky. The wind picked up and blew Elrond's hair into his mouth most annoyingly.
Suddenly, an eerie voice started whispering in the air. "Ash nazg durbatuluk…ash nazg gimbatul…ash nazg thrakatuluk-"
"Oh bloody hell, give it a rest already!" Elrond said, now totally annoyed. With a small shrug of his shoulders, he tossed the one ring into a nearby pond and went to find some dinner.
Suddenly, the two twins of Elrond popped up out of nowhere right when the "The End" sign was supposed to pop up.
"Dwarf…it's what's for dinner." They said together, giving a thumbs up sign.
Duh, duh, duh!
The End.
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Okay, so I'm not really sure if this is funny or not… Whenever I write humor fics, they just don't seem funny to me, but I think it's just because I'm writing them…or so I hope. Please let me know what you think. I hope it was amusing.
-P.G.