Title: Five Ways to Say I'm Pregnant
Summary: Australia just found out she's pregnant. There are five people in particular she wants to tell; Canada, her unborn's father. Wy, her sister. New Zealand, her brother. England, her 'mum'. And America, her 'brother-in-law'. Simply telling them she's pregnant wasn't her thing. She had other ideas...
Pairings: Canada/Australia
Warnings: Genderbent Australia, mentioning of pregnancy, a few swear words, and an enormous amount of fluff
Disclaimer: I don't own anything and am making no profit from this piece of fanwork
AN: Just a silly, fluffy little oneshot. First attempt at writing Fem!Australia :3 I hope you enjoy!
Pregnant.
Being a nation, it meant that one was ready for anything, was able to battle through the most bloodiest of wars, claw their way through famines and pick themselves up after each natural disaster. Nothing could phase a nation for long.
And when Australia first heard that single word 'Pregnant' in the office of her trusted GP, she was a flurry of emotions. And she went through them in a matter of seconds.
First, of course, was complete disbelief; "Pregnant? How the hell can I be pregnant?"
Next came panic; "M-mate, you're joking, right?!"
Denial; "You're totally having me on, aren't ya?"
Dawning of acceptance; "I really am pregnant, aren't I?"
And, finally, excitement; "How far along am I? When do you think the baby will be due? Wait, is it a girl or a boy? No, don't tell me, I want it to be a surprise!"
Her doctor was very informative and offered her reassurance and a sense of calm. She was three months along, so had approximately six months left. She had six months to plan for her baby's arrival, her doctor helping her each step of the way for this new mother.
There was one thing her doctor couldn't help with, and that was informing those close to her of her pregnancy. How and when she told anyone was completely up to her.
She wasn't just going to come out and say; "Guess who's preggers!"
Where was the fun in that?
This was a happy occasion, albeit a completely unexpected surprise. Probably shouldn't have been. After all, she and Canada were rather passionate toward each other. Sure, a lot of the other nations (those who remembered him, at least) thought that he was timid and meek. Not so. Especially in regards to ice hockey and making love.
Especially the making love part.
Australia had no idea how sensual and downright seductive his French side was. No one did.
And no one was going to know…
Australia abruptly slapped herself on the cheek to prevent herself from recalling previous memories of their sexy encounters. She had to focus on the task at hand. There were five people in particular that she wanted to inform of her new development.
First, she was going to inform Canada. He had been subtly worried about her as for the past six weeks she had been experiencing morning sickness. Neither of them even considered the possibility that she was pregnant. They assumed that she had caught some kind of virus. Or maybe she was just nauseated by all the shitty politics crap that was going on.
Honestly, all she wanted was the ability to turn to the news channel and not have to listen to some drongo pollie vomiting lies and broken promises for half a fucking hour. And then having to sit through repeats all day long! God dammit, there were other things happening besides the fucking election!
Ok, ok, calm down.
So, yeah, first person was no doubt Canada.
She was already forming a plan to tell him. He was going to be so surprised.
She also had an idea of how to let Wy, New Zealand, England and America know. Every single one of them was going to have the surprise of their life!
But first, she needed to do a bit of shopping.
Canada found himself fidgeting nervously as he made his way up Australia's driveway. He had received a text from Australia, asking him to visit her as soon as possible as she had something important to share with him.
The text was pretty plain and to the point, so he couldn't help but imagine the worst. After all, for six weeks straight Australia had been ill, throwing up in the mornings and looking pale. He couldn't understand why she appeared to be so ill; he was deathly worried.
Reaching the front door, Canada didn't bother knocking as it was open, anyway. There was never any need to knock at the door, asking permission to enter. You just go inside and make yourself at home. That was Australia's hospitality.
"Mattie!"
The ever tomboy, Australia was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a simple singlet top with the Southern Cross printed on the side. Despite it being winter, Australia was staying in her house in Queensland where the weather was always warm enough to warrant wearing beach wear.
Jogging over to him, Australia wrapped her arms around Canada's neck and kissed him in greeting. Canada was momentarily surprised by that as she hadn't been feeling well. But it reassured him that she was fine, that perhaps she had found the reason for her illness and was in the process of curing it.
Either way, he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her feet up off the ground, returning the kiss.
"You said you had something to share with me?" Canada said after they parted.
Australia smiled that beautiful, friendly smile of hers and nodded as she hopped out of his arms. "Here, I have a present for you."
Canada quirked his head to the side in confusion as Australia clasped his hand in hers and pulled him toward the kitchen. "A gift?"
Pausing in front of the kitchen table, there was a gift box, white in colour with a silver bow. Australia picked it up and then presented it to Canada for him to take. And he did, immediately, arching a questioning eyebrow at Australia.
"Open it," she urged, a mixture of nerves and excitement.
Shrugging, Canada carefully lifted the lid of the gift box. Inside were soft tissue papers in the colours of light blue and pink. And there was this rather strange looking white plastic stick resting comfortably in the middle.
It had a little electronic screen, and it said 'positive'.
Positive of what?
Then, it dawned on him. There was only one little white stick that was worldly known for stating whether someone was positive for something. And that was a pregnancy testing kit.
Picking up the positive pregnancy test, Canada felt weak at the knees. He collapsed onto a kitchen chair, simply staring at the test. He snapped out of his shock when he felt Australia move behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and neck, leaning over him.
"I'm three months," she whispered to him.
Canada didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He did both, ultimately, and immediately pulled Australia onto his lap, holding her tightly as he kissed her. Australia giggled into the kiss before returning it, more than happy by his reaction.
"Wy!"
Wy was finishing up her latest master piece when Australia suddenly burst through the door. Wy frowned, but opted not to chide her 'sister' for her lack of common courtesy. There was no point, really. Even if Wy locked the door, Australia would just find another way in.
Or pick the lock.
"Wy!" Australia greeted warmly, in her hand a shopping bag. "How my happy little vegemite?"
Wy rolled her eyes, but said nothing, concentrating on finishing her painting. Still, she was relieved to see that Australia seemed to be up and about, looking quite well and refreshed. She had witnessed her rushing for the bathroom a couple of times, just to throw up. Usually nothing would phase Australia (she was immune to some of the world's deadliest poisons), so it was a tad unnerving to see.
"Say, Wy, do you consider yourself my sister? Or my daughter?" Australia unexpectedly asked her, making Wy pause mid-brush stroke and turn to face the older nation with a look of pure confusion.
"Sister," Wy replied, wrinkling her nose.
"Really?" Australia hummed as she began to dig through the shopping bag she had with her. "Too bad, I'm sure you would have made a great big sister."
Wy found herself frowning, her confusion deepening. "Big sister?"
What did she mean by big sister? Who did Australia think she would become a big sister too?
Australia pulled out a white t-shirt from her shopping bag, unfolding it and holding it up to study it. "I guess that means I'll be promoting you to aunty."
Before Wy could ask Australia what in the world she was going on about, Australia threw the t-shirt she had been holding onto Wy's head. Wy stiffened under the piece of clothing before reaching up to whip it off her head. As she held the shirt in front of her, she saw the word 'Aunty' written across it. Setting her paintbrush down, she lifted the piece of clothing up so she could get a better look at it.
Writing across it in black letters were the words; "Soon to be promoted to Aunty" and was surrounded by pictures of baby shoes, a rattle and a pacifier.
Then it hit her, like a bolt of lightning.
"You're pregnant?" she squeaked, her eyes wide as she stared at Australia.
"'Bout time you caught on," Australia replied, placing a hand on her stomach.
Unable to stop herself, Wy crossed the distance between her and Australia, wounding her arms around Australia's waist and pressing her face into her stomach. Australia laughed as she gently petted Wy on the head.
"We've got six months to wait first, ya ankle biter."
Opening Australia's fridge, New Zealand felt slightly annoyed (and surprised!) that there was no beer to be found. Plenty of milk, cheese and…pickles? Since when had Australia ever eaten pickles?
"G'day, Kiwi," Australia greeted when she walked into her kitchen, shopping bags in her hands. She wasn't remotely surprised to find New Zealand prowling around in her house.
"What's wrong with your fridge, bro?" New Zealand asked as he closed the fridge door, utterly disappointed that it wasn't full of roast, barbequed meats and sea food. Then again, she hadn't been feeling well, so maybe she wanted to empty the fridge just in case she was suffering from food poisoning or something.
…Wait…there wasn't any of England's muffins or whatever in there, was there?
Australia rolled her eyes as she began to unpack her shopping. "There's nothing wrong with it," she said. "On another subject, though, I brought some new shoes today."
"Shoes?" New Zealand questioned, raising an amused eyebrow. "What are they, steel-cap hiking boots?"
"No," Australia said as she laughed, picking up the shoe box in her hands. "These are better. I'll have to put them away for a while, though. Want to see?"
New Zealand looked at the shoe box and shrugged. He might as well have a peek. It was good to see that she seemed to be over her illness. Then again, maybe she was so ill that she had a brain snap and brought a pair of sparkly, eight-inched wedge heels or something.
The thought of Australia staggering around in heels made him want to laugh. That jillaroo in a dress was funny enough.
Opening the box, New Zealand felt genuinely worried for Australia's sanity. "Oz," he said slowly, turning to give the brunette his full attention. "These are baby shoes."
Australia gave him this amused expression, placing her hands on her hips. "I didn't say they were for me directly."
"Who would need...?" New Zealand trailed off as realisation dawned upon him. His grip on the shoe box slackened to such a degree that the box fell from his hands, hitting the floor with a soft thud.
As he openly stared at Australia, she smiled before sticking her tongue out at him.
"You're pregnant?!" he practically shrieked.
"That's right, Kiwi," Australia said, winking at him. "I'm up the duff, as they say."
New Zealand simply stared unblinkingly at Australia for a while. A few drawn out seconds. He then did what any little brother would do; he fainted. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell backwards.
It took Australia five minutes to bring him back to consciousness.
Receiving a surprise package in the mail was normally a treat. But for England, sometimes it paid to be cautious. Especially with the type of family he had. Sure, they were on reasonably good terms. But, you know, sometimes it was vitally important to stay on your toes.
Curses were a pain in the arse to remove.
England eyed off the parcel sitting on his desk with a sense of apprehension. It was from Australia, the picture of the Australian flag a dead giveaway. He was always slightly nervous whenever Australia sent him something.
At least this didn't have any air holes, so whatever was inside wasn't alive.
That girl had an abnormal fondness for strange and dangerous animals. And sometimes liked to 'share' her interest with others.
Sitting down at his desk, England picked up a pen, giving the small box a quick poke. Nothing seemed to happen, so he decided that, perhaps, it was safe to open. But just as he reached forward with his hand, his phone tingled, alerting him to a message.
Picking up his phone, he noticed that the message was from Australia. "Have you got the package yet?" it read.
Texting back that he had, he received another text a moment later, again from Australia, urging him to open it and then call her after he did. Knowing that there was no way for him to avoid opening the parcel; he grabbed it and opened it as quickly as he could. Just to get the pain over with when it exploded or sent sneezing powder into the air, or something. Not because he was curious and a tad excited to see what was inside.
However, he felt his eyebrow twitch when he looked inside. Sitting in bed of delicate tissue paper was a baby's bib with the words "#1 Grandmother" written across it, a small baby's rattle sewn in the corner.
England felt indignant as he picked up his phone, scrolling for Australia's number and then ringing it. He wasn't sure of the meaning behind this baby's bib with the word 'grandmother' written across it, but he was certain it was meant to be insulting in some way.
"Mum!" Australia chirped happily on the other end.
"What do you mean by grandmother?" England asked her tersely.
Australia was heard giggling. "What do you think I mean?"
"I'm not anyone's grandmother."
"Not for another six months," Australia unexpectedly retorted in a sing-song kind of way.
"What do you…?"
Wait…
A hand flew up to cover England's mouth as tears immediately pricked at his eyes. It…it can't be…
"Are you crying?"
"Shut up, you silly woman," England choked and hastily rubbed at his eyes with the palm of his hand. "I'm not crying. And I am not a grandmother. If anything, I will be this child's grandfather."
"You'll always be my mum," Australia teasingly retorted.
England was unable to respond to that as he couldn't stop himself from smiling goofily while pushing away the tears.
America was surprised when he received an express envelope all the way from Australia. Normally, they would either email each other if they had something to discuss (or in most cases, boast about who was the more fearless).
Which, by the way, was so totally him.
Texting and emailing was so much faster. But seeing the envelope made him feel as if she was up to something. Some kind of new game? No, wait, Japan was the one who made the totally awesome games. Maybe it tickets to some dangerous creature park that was opening?
It was totally an offer to wrestle crocodiles!
Ripping the envelope open, America was stumped to find that it was just a single photograph. There was nothing else in the envelope and nothing written on the back. It was just a simple picture of an oven, with the light turned on, and a hamburger bun sitting all by itself on the middle shelf.
America hunched over his desk as he studied the photo through narrow eyes. Was it a test? Or a clue of some kind?
He's totally got this.
But after a few hours of staring at the piece of bread in the oven, America finally relented. He didn't know what it meant. Staring at the hamburger bun was making him hungry. But he wouldn't be able to sleep or eat probably until he learnt the hidden meaning behind this picture.
No choice. He had to ask for help.
He wasn't going to concede defeat and ring Australia, though. Wouldn't do any good. She would just laugh at him and hang up.
Picking up his phone, America scrolled through the numbers before dialling the one he thought could offer him the best clues. Before Canada could even offer a courtesy 'hello', America launched into the reason why he was ringing.
"Bro, I just got this totally bizarre photo from Australia and I can't figure out what it means."
There was silence on the other end of the phone before Canada spoke up. "Photo? What's in it?"
"There's an oven with a bun in it," America explained as he picked up the photo to look at it again.
"So…there's a bun in the oven?"
"Yeah."
"So there's a bun in Australia's oven?"
"Totally, dude."
"And that means?"
"And that means what?" America flailed, becoming increasingly frustrated. "Dude, she's your girlfriend, you should-!"
America found himself pausing abruptly, the gears in his head slowly beginning to turn. Bun in the oven…he had heard that phase somewhere before. It something that woman used to explain to someone else that they were…
Wait...there's a bun in Australia's oven...
"HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BUN IN AUSTRALIA'S OVEN! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!"
"And I'm going to be father," Canada muttered from the phone, but America wasn't listening.
"DUDE I'M GOING TO BE A TOTALLY RAD UNCLE!"
AN: Phew, this was a long oneshot, huh? Out of them all, I enjoyed writing America's reaction the most :3 Please review!