It had been another night of managing this huge chess game he had started.
In fact, he held a chess piece, a black pawn, in his hand, rolling the plastic game piece between his thumb and fingertips. He held it during his hours of thinking of not only his next move, but his many moves to come. But he was stuck on this particular, hypothetical situation, and had no idea what he'd do.
A headache had formed and was causing his thinking to be fuzzy, so he decided it was time for a break. He set the chess piece down on the board before him, then leaned back in his chair, placing the back of his hand against his forehead and allowing his eyes to rest for a few moments.
When his eyes opened back up, he caught the sight of a framed picture out of the corner of his eye. The chair creaking as he straightened, he soon pushed it back so he could rise to his feet and head over to the shelf the picture sat upon. Lelouch reached out to pick the picture up and peer at it with his dark eyes.
The captured memory was of him, and his little sister, in much happier, or at least slightly less stressful, times. The frail girl smiled happily from where she sat in her mobile chair, holding a stuffed bear out. Remembering back, he remembered he had won it for her at a local fair, and she had been overjoyed by the feel of the fuzzy toy.
Setting the framed photograph back down, his hand brushed against the toy, which had been placed beside it. Her wrapped his long fingers around the small, white bear, lifting it, and brushing the fingertips of his free hand over its heart-shaped, pink nose. He felt a tinge of happiness, soon followed by a tinge of pain. Of loneliness.
He thought the room was better before, with all traces of Nunally removed, most likely by Rolo, so he would have no reason to believe he ever had a sister. After regaining his memories, though, he had Sayoko find what she could and bring it back. Something he wasn't sure he regretted or not.
Seeing these things, these things that reminded him of the sister that was so far from his reach, made his chest hurt. But he decided he also needed to remember, to have these things around, to strengthen his resolve, to heighten his resolve to win this game.
Still clutching the teddy bear, he fell into his bed, not caring enough to even remove his shoes. Curling up like a cat, he drew the toy to his chest and pressed his face into the top of its furry head. Soon, he found himself breathing in a floral scent that lingered there, no doubt left behind by the fresh flowers and pots of potpourri that Nunally loved.
Feeling his eyes sting and well up with tears, he closed them, forcing the droplets of water from his eyes. They soon rolled down his cheek , just to land on the faux fur of the toy he held. It was all too much, but not yet enough. All the lies he told, all the people he had killed, and he still didn't have her back. When would it end?
With another sigh, he finally loosened his grip on the bear and placed it on his bedstand. He would keep it there, as a reminder that he would have her back here, no matter what. More nights of tucking her in, kissing her lightly as she slept, carrying her to his own bed so he could protect her from whatever nightmares might come to frighten her. That is what he was fighting for. And that is what he would win back.