Struggling to be Honest

JacobxBella

Rated M

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the franchise, as it belongs to Steph Meyers

Struggling to be Honest

Chapter 1

Bella lay in her bed that night facing away from the window. She couldn't sleep, as her mind refused to settle. She should be feeling alright seeing as she didn't have to worry about Victoria anymore and Jacob was fully healed after being crushed by the newborn. But that was the object of her worry, Jacob Black.

It had nearly killed her to leave him there that night in pain, physically and emotionally, as she told him she didn't love him enough to give up Edward. But the kicker was when Edward had sent the Black family a wedding invitation without her consent. It was almost as if her fiancé was rubbing it in Jacob's face that he lost. Bella had never been so furious with Edward. And when she had rushed to the Reservation to talk to her best friend, she was sad to find him missing. Neither Billy nor the pack knew where he was. He had been gone so long that Charlie was forced to put up signs with Jacob's picture around town asking Have You Seen This Boy? When she had returned home later that evening, she found Edward waiting in her room in her rocking chair. Fury got the best of her and she yelled at her fiancé for the first time, kicking him out and telling him he was not allowed to see her until the wedding. Of course this didn't stop him from continuously calling and texting her. When she hadn't answered he started sending her an overabundance of gifts, much to Charlie's annoyance.

Bella sighed as she rolled over onto her back and lifted up her arm to look at her charm bracelet that Jacob made for her. On it hung the carved wolf he had made for her as a reminder of him, and a diamond heart that Edward had attached to it as well. She remembered when Edward saw the bracelet and his annoyance. But when Jacob in turn saw the diamond heart, he was furious. And her trying to justify it did little to calm him down. But now that Jacob was gone, the bracelet felt heavier than ever, and the engagement ring on her finger seemed to weigh her down. Bella felt as if a part of her was missing and nothing she did could fill the void. Almost like when Edward and the Cullen family left, but so much worse. But she'd never admit this because she didn't want to upset people anymore.

Sitting up in bed she ran a hand through her hair in frustration. She couldn't keep thinking like this. She chose Edward; he was where her future lied as fate had it. She was destined to become a vampire and never grow old. She loved Edward, she wouldn't deny that, and they promised each other forever. But even so, she felt like it wasn't enough. She didn't feel whole anymore when she was with Edward and his family. But she couldn't let them know that. They all were already expecting her to marry Edward and become a vampire, thus becoming a part of the family. Also, the Volturi demanded it and would have ambassadors at the wedding to make sure she went through with her marriage so she could be changed. Bella knew she had no choice anymore and was going to do what was best for everyone.

"Why can't you just be honest with yourself just once in your life, Bells?" Jacob's voice sounded in her head. She shook her head and held it between her hands. But no matter how much she tried to block out his voice, she kept hearing it ringing in her head.

"You can't make everyone happy or try to avoid hurting everyone."

"All you need to do is choose me."

"Being with me will be as easy as breathing."

"He can't give you the life you really want and deserve."

"Why does it always have to be him?"

"Tell me how you really feel, Bella."

"Love you, Bells."

Tears fell down Bella's face as she silently cried. She missed Jacob so much and wasn't sure if she'd ever be okay knowing he was still missing. What really hurt her was knowing he had gone wolf because of her. Jacob was right, she couldn't avoid hurting everyone, but she wished she could avoid hurting him. Feeling emotionally exhausted, she drifted off into a restless sleep, Jacob's voice continuously ringing through her head.