Author's Notes: As you all already know, I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, nor do I own the rights to the song "Big Balls". This was born of yet another conversation with my friend, fellow FMA fan, and beta, Shiruba Neko. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!
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Winry Rockbell and Sheska Vandel crept through the dank, forgotten hallways of a long unused library in Central. "Sheska, are you absolutely sure that you saw Scar here?" Winry asked, shivering slightly because of the damp chill, but keeping a firm grip on her wrench nonetheless.
"Positive!" the bookworm replied. "I saw him blast open one of the walls two days ago, using a strange red light! Do you know what that means?"
"No," the mechanic said, not liking the tone in her companion's voice.
"It means that Scar is…" Sheska dragged out the pause for a dramatic effect. "An alien!"
The silence that followed was so absolute, one could hear a pin drop from anywhere in the building. "Scar isn't an alien!" Winry shouted as a vein popped up on her forehead.
"What else could he possibly be? Who else could do something like that?"
"Ed could, and he's not an alien!"
"Oh…good point." Sheska chuckled sheepishly. "Well, it doesn't seem like he's here anyway, so let's just get out of here."
Suddenly, footsteps echoed in the corridor behind them, causing both girls to freeze in their tracks. "Oh no!" Winry squeaked, sounding a little like a mouse. "He's here after all!"
"What are we going to do?" Sheska asked, her expression on the verge of panic. "Who knows what he'll do if he catches us in here!"
Winry quickly looked around as the footsteps grew louder, spotted a partially opened door, and bolted for it, dragging her bookish friend behind her. After slamming the door behind them, the girls found themselves trapped in a small, dusty, mostly empty room that smelled very peculiar. "Now where are we?" the mechanic wondered aloud, wrinkling her nose against the odd smell.
"I dunno…" Sheska replied, her eyes suddenly glassy, "…but I'm starting to feel funny…"
…
Edward and Alphonse Elric strode through the corridors of the same abandoned building, having followed Sheska and Winry there to find out what they were doing. Unfortunately, the brothers had lost track of the two girls, and had no idea where they could have gone.
"Damn it!" Fullmetal cried, grinding his teeth in frustration. "They were right in front of us, so how could we have lost them?"
"Relax, brother," Al replied in his usual placating manner. "I'm sure they're still in the building."
Ed fumed for a moment more, and then finally calmed down. "You're right, Al. This place has been empty for who knows how long, and it's just Winry and Sheska, so how much trouble could they get into?"
Just then, Scar came around the corner and froze, obviously surprised to see the Elrics in his current hideout. "So, Edward Elric…you've finally decided to give yourself up to God's judgment?" the Ishbalan asked, flexing his right arm as it sparked ominously.
Automatically assuming the worst, the little alchemist transmuted his right arm into a blade and shouted, "What did you do to Winry and Sheska, you bastard?"
"Who?" Scar asked, genuinely confused by the question.
"Stop trying to play dumb! If you've hurt either one of them, I swear I'll…"
"I don't know what you're talking about," the alchemist killer growled, slowly advancing on the brothers, "but in another moment, it won't matter."
Before the battle could begin, however, the nearby door flew open, and Winry and Sheska tumbled out of it in a cloud of weird dust. "Winry! Sheska! You're both okay!" Al cheered, happy to see the girls and avoid a fight.
"Did Scar hurt either one of you?" Ed demanded as he shot the Ishbalan a suspicious look.
"I didn't even know they were here!" Scar snapped. "I wouldn't…"
"HI!" both girls shrieked at the top of their lungs, effectively silencing any further arguments.
Edward, Alphonse, and Scar blinked, quite confused by the girls' behavior. "Winry…" Fullmetal began, eyeing his childhood friend warily. "Can you understand me at all?"
Winry ignored him, however, choosing instead to break into song. "My balls are always bouncing, and my ballroom's always full…"
"And everybody comes and comes again!" Sheska shrilly added.
"Brother…" Al whispered, "Are they singing about what I think they're singing about."
Instead of answering his younger brother, Edward blushed furiously, until his face matched his brilliant crimson cloak. Scar, on the other hand, covered his face with his hands so that no one could see how embarrassed he was.
"If your name is on the guest list, no one can take you higher!" Winry bellowed, ignoring their audience's discomfort.
"Cause everybody says I've got great big balls of fire!" Sheska concluded before collapsing into gales of laughter.
"Why are they acting like that?" Scar demanded, refusing to take his hand away from his face.
"How should I know?" Ed snapped, his face still beet red. "I'm an alchemist, not an alcoholic!"
"Brother, I don't think they've been drinking," Alphonse said, as both girls, now mistaking him for a jungle gym, climbed all over him.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" a new voice shouted, startling everyone.
Startled, Scar, Ed, and Al (with Winry and Sheska still attached) whipped around and spotted an older man wearing what appeared to be a biohazard mask. "Don't scare us like that, old man!" Edward shouted.
"You shouldn't be in here!" the stranger yelled, ignoring the little alchemist's indignation. "This place is full of Black Dust, you know! Look, your friends have already been affected by it!" The old man pointed at Winry and Sheska, who had wrapped themselves around Scar's legs and fallen asleep. "Now let's get out of here before you three are affected as well."
The Elrics and Scar quickly followed the man outside, and he helped them pry the girls from the alchemist killer's legs. "They should be fine," the stranger announced after a brief inspection, "but you might want to take them home and let them get some rest."
"Gotcha," Ed replied, giving him a thumbs-up. Then he turned to Scar and said, "We'll have to finish our fight some other time."
The Ishbalan nodded, smirking, and then said, "You were fortunate. Next time, your friends won't be there to save you, Fullmetal."
"I don't need anyone to help me kick your ass, Scar!" Edward bellowed.
The alchemist killer ignored him, however, and quickly disappeared into the growing dusk. "Brother," Alphonse said, tucking an unconscious girl under each arm. "Let's just go." The bodiless boy then turned around to thank the man that helped them out, but he was nowhere to be found. "Hey, where'd he go?"
"Who knows?" Ed shrugged. "Let's just get out of here before some other crazy thing happens."
As the two boys and their unconscious friends strolled down the road, Winry shifted slightly and mumbled, "Shez…ask the alien if he wants to come to the ball…"