Basic rundown:
Monica: Regina
Chandler: Robin
Joey: Killian
Phoebe: Anna
Ross: Neal
Rachel: Emma
Location of new scenes will be in all caps before paragraphs where scenes changed.
The One Where Regina Gets a Roommate
Grannys Cafe. NEW YORK CITY.
"Oh come on, he is just a guy that I work with at the restaurant. It's not even a real date," Regina argued, seated on the red couch next to Anna in the coffeehouse across her apartment building.
"Yes, but you are dating him, so something is obviously wrong with him," said Killian as he sat down in a black chair across the couch.
"Excuse me?" Regina questioned. "I have fine taste in men."
The rest of the group exchanged glances, sipping on their coffee. Anna broke the silence by saying,
"Yeah, that's not really true."
"Hm, okay. Then give me an example."
"Well, let's review shall we?" Robin began, sitting on a chair next to the other. "The guy with the extensions, the one who stabs his mattress with needles, the one who wore socks in bed... oh! And who can forget the one that made those-"
"Okay, I get it," Regina interrupted. "I've dated men with some odd.. quirks. But I haven't found any with this guy."
The others shrugged, moving on.
"Wait, does he eat chalk?" Anna asked, seemingly concerned. They looked at her with confused faces.
"Why-why would he eat chalk?" Robin asked.
"Well, I just don't want her to go through what I did with Carl," she sighed. The others remembered now and shuttered.
GRANNY'S CAFE.
"So, last night," Robin spoke, "I had a dream that I was in a meeting and naked."
"Oh yea, I've had that dream," the rest murmured.
"As have I, but this one was... different," he cringed. "There was a phone... there."
"Wait," Killian paused, leaning in to Robin. "There?"
After a moment, Robin admitted,
"Yes."
"Yea, you're on your own there, mate," Killian chuckled.
"I'm confused. What's 'there'?" Anna asked.
Regina leaned in, whispering what it meant.
"Ohhh," she realized. "Yeah, that's weird."
GRANNY'S CAFE.
As the group was talking, a man walked in wearing a brown leather jacket and a grey beanie.
"Hi," he said to them glumly.
"This guy says hello, and I wanna drink myself to death," Killian whispered to Robin, who opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it and nodded in agreement.
"Wendy moved out today," Regina explained. "Sit down; I'll get you a coffee, Neal."
He sat next to Anna, who proceeded to scootch closer and wave her hands above his head.
"No, no," Neal stopped her, holding her hands. "You don't need to cleanse my aura."
Anna shrugged, resuming to playing with her nails.
"I'll be okay, guys. I'm fine, happy for her even," he said, taking the coffee from Regina's hand.
"No, you're not," she stated as she sat down on the couch.
"No, I am not!" he admitted. "To hell with her, she left me!"
The group exchanged sympathetic glances, analyzing the situation.
"And you never knew she was a lesbian?" Killian chuckled.
"She didn't know, so how could I know?" Neal argued, still confused on how this all happened. He and Wendy had been happily married for years, and their sex life seemed normal.
"You're angry and you're hurt," Killian acknowledged. "Wanna know what the answer is?" He paused before grinning,
"Strip joints and rum shots!"
"I don't want that," Neal huffed. "I-I just wanna be married again."
Suddenly, a woman came in, drenched from the rain. She was wearing a wedding dress, and she held a crumpled veil in her arms. She wandered to the front, seemingly looking for somebody.
"Oh my god, I think I know her!" Regina said in shock, getting up to greet the woman. "Emma?" she asked, standing behind her.
"Oh, Regina, thank god!" Emma exclaimed, throwing her arms over Regina for a hug. Regina awkwardly returned the hug, asking why she was here.
"I tried your building, and you weren't there, but this guy with a hammer said you might be here and you are!" Emma quickly explained, barely taking a breath.
"Can I get you guys anything?" Ruby, the main barista, asked casually, as if a woman in a wedding dress coming into an average cafe is a common occurrence.
"Coffee!" Emma requested energetically.
"Decaf," Regina mouthed as she led Emma to the group. "This is Robin, Anna, Killian, and you remember my brother Neal?"
"Of course!" Emma answered, giving Neal a big hug. She then plopped down on center of the couch, gathering her dress together so it wouldn't take up much room. She sat there nonchalantly, pleasantly waiting for her coffee.
"So, are you going to explain, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?" Regina asked.
"Well, it started a half an hour before the wedding," Emma began, "and I was waiting in the room where all the gifts were. Someone gave us this gravy boat-a gorgeous gravy boat-when all of the sudden, I realized that I was more turned on by the gravy boat than Walsh," she paused to take the coffee from Ruby. "And that's when it hit me-Walsh looks like a monkey from Oz. I mean, he always looked familiar, but I could never pin point it, y'know? Anyways, I just had to get out of there. So I came here, because you're the only one I know in the city," she finished.
"Who wasn't invited?" Regina poised.
"Hm, yeah, my mom didn't let me," she said quickly, turning her focus to her coffee.
REGINA'S APARTMENT.
Anna, Robin, Killian, Neal, and Regina were gathered in the living room in Regina's apartment. A Spanish soap opera was playing; it was a common game the group played-they would watch the show (not being able to understand) and tried to figure out what the drama was about.
"So, he must have brought the organ, and she is not thrilled about it," Regina guessed.
Meanwhile, Emma was in the kitchen on the phone with her father, still wearing her now-damp gown.
"Dad, I just can't marry him. I don't love him!" There was a pause.
"Well, it matters to me! Put Dad back on!" she huffed, as there were girls fighting on the television.
"Push her down! Push her down!" the friends chanted, cheering when it happened.
"Please, listen to me, Dad!" Emma begged. "See, it feels like my entire life, I have been like a... a shoe! And today, I stopped and wondered, 'What if I'm not a shoe? What if I'm a purse or a hat?'" There was another pause as her father spoke.
"No, I don't want a new purse!" she explained, her tone slightly rising. She took a deep breath before continuing. "I need to have a life of my own where I don't have to rely on anyone or be dictated by anyone." There was a longer pause at this time, and the friends had now turned there attention to Emma.
"Well, maybe I don't need your precious money," she stated, but her facial expression and next words showed she didn't believe that. "Wait, I said may-" Her father had hung up now, though, and Emma leaned against the kitchen counter.
"Well, then..." she murmured, putting the phone back. The group turned to Regina, their talking not audible.
"Fine," Regina bickered. "Emma?"
"Yea?" Emma looked up, her eyes glossy.
"You can stay with me... until you're on your feet," Regina offered, forcing a smile. She was much more sophisticated than Emma, and the idea of living together wasn't the best idea to Regina, but Emma needed help.
"Oh, really?" Emma confirmed gratefully. "Yes, that would great. But only if you have the room."
"There is an extra room right over there," Regina said, gesturing the a black door on the left.
"Well, thank you so much," Emma smiled. However, her smile quickly faded.
"But what did I just do? I don't have a job or any money," she realized.
"Well, just apply places," Robin suggested.
"I've never even done that! I've never been on my own or had to pay a bill or anything like that. What the hell am I gonna do? Maybe I should call Walsh and apologize profusely," she thought aloud. "Yes, yep, where's the phone?"
"Emma," Regina said sternly. "Calm down."
"I can't! I don't know how to be independent. Not a clue!" Emma stated, now exasperated and taking short, fast breaths.
"Then we will help you," Regina offered.
"We will?" Neal asked, not planning on actually helping. Regina's glare said that he didn't really have a choice. She wasn't much for unexpected guests, especially long-term ones, but she had a maternal instinct that made her enjoy helping others.
"You need to think calm thoughts," Regina advised, leading Emma to the couch.
"Ooh, I know!" Anna exclaimed, walking to the couch and bending down behind Emma. She sang,
"Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens
Doorbells and sleigh bells,
And..."
She paused, trying to remember the words.
"Something with mittens," she finished. "La la la something with strings... these-"
Emma put a hand on Anna's hand.
"I'm all better now," she smiled, making the observation that Anna was definitely the quirky one.
"I helped!" Anna said proudly to Killian and Robin, who just finished making sandwiches in the kitchen.
"You know," Regina said to Emma. "This is for the best. Having control over your own life is very important."
"And," Killian said, coming over to the couch. "If you ever need any help, you can always come to Killian. Robin and I live right across the hall, and he's away a lot," he winked.
"Killian, stop hitting on her!" Regina reprimanded.
"It's her wedding day, mate," Robin added.
"What? Are there rules or something? Maybe it was an open marriage. Plus, the lass didn't even get married, anyways," he rationalized.
All of the sudden, Regina's intercom started incessantly buzzing. Robin walked over, pressed the button, and said,
"Please don't make that noise again, as it is quite annoying."
"Uh, this is Graham. Is this apartment 108?"
"Buzz him in," Regina said, quickly fixing her hair.
"Wait, Graham the Delivery Guy?" Killian asked.
"He finally asked you out?" Neal asked.
"Perhaps," Regina said, slightly tilting her head, quite proud that she landed a date with this man.
"Oh, what a 'dear diary' moment," Robin sarcastically joked. He had known Regina for years, and he had been able to detect when she was excited about the date. The tilt of the head and small smile had become her tell.
"Emma, I can cancel," Regina said, realizing that she had a guest in distress.
"No, no, it's okay. Go!" she encouraged.
"Neal, is it okay? I know today was tough for you."
"Well, it would be nice to have company," he replied in a melancholy voice.
"Are you sure?" Regina asked, not expecting his answer.
"No, sis, go! It's Graham the Delivery Guy!" he excitedly answered. As he said this, there was two knocks on the door. Regina scurried over to answer
"Hi, Graham, come on in!" she glowed as everyone began crowding the entry way. "Graham, this is... everybody. Everyone, this is-"
"Graham the Delivery Guy," everyone finished. Being a delivery guy wasn't what made him so special; it was his good British looks that gave him his reputation. Using his profession simply sounded better than saying "Graham the Hottie".
"Sit down," Regina offered, giving notice to the black leather couch. "Give me two seconds."
"It's no problem," Graham said, greeting the group and taking his seat on the couch.
"Oh, no," Anna sighed, rested against the black refrigerator.
"What is it?" Emma asked, next to her.
"I just pulled out four eyelashes. This can't be good," she said as she stroked one of her auburn braids. Regina came out in a red dress and left with Graham before Killian commented on her figure.
"So, Emma, any plans tonight?" Neal asked her.
"Well, I was planning to be in Hawaii for my honeymoon, so... nothing."
"Oh, you're not even getting a honeymoon," he realized, starting to become wistful about marriage again. He saw her disappointed face, and quickly tried to fix it.
"But pfft, Hawaii... this time of year, it is horrible!" She gave him a confused look. "Lots of... um, big moths." Emma nodded, hoping the awkward atmosphere would leave.
"If you wanna do anything tonight, Killian and I are helping Neal move into his new place," Robin suggested.
"Thanks, but I think I'm gonna stay in tonight. Long day," she shrugged. Robin nodded, turning to Anna,
"What about you?"
"Oh, I would, but I don't really want to."
"Okay then," Neal said. "Let's go."
NEAL'S APARTMENT.
Neal's apartment was a few blocks away from Regina's, and it was definitely a step down. He had a decent job as a paleontologist, but he was somewhat stingy with his money. Regina's apartment was classy and sophisticated, and it cost money to be so. As long as he had a bed and a few other pieces of furniture, he was good to go.
Neal sat by one of the windows, attempting to put together an end table.
"I have to attach a bracket thing to another bracket thing with stick things, but I see no bracket things or stick things," he observed. "Also, I cannot feel legs."
Killian and Robin were on the other side of the room, piecing together a bookshelf.
"Hell is this?" Killian asked, showing Robin a black rod.
"I have no idea," Robin wondered, looking at the bookshelf. There didn't seem to be anything missing. Killian shrugged, hiding the metal piece in the fake plant next to the shelf.
"Done!" They both called out. Neal came out of the kitchen with a beer in hand.
"This was Wendy's favorite," he mumbled. "She would drink it right out of the can. I should've known."
"Mate, let me ask you a question," Killian said, leaning against a counter that gave a peek into the kitchen. "She got the tv, furniture, even the stereo. What the hell did you gain?"
"I got you guys," Neal answered quickly and much too enthusiastically.
"Oh, mate, You got screwed," Killian and Robin chuckled.
ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
"Oh... wow. That's a lot of cheating," Regina observed, taking so but of her lasagna.
"I know; I felt like an idiot. I mean, she went to the dentist four times a week. How clean can a person's teeth get?" Graham chuckled, making the conversation lighter.
"My brother, Neal, is going through that right now," she said, patting her lips with her napkin. "His situation is slightly different, but it is taking a toll on him nonetheless. How did you get through it?"
"Don't judge?" Graham requested.
"Never," she smiled.
"I 'accidentally' broke her Chanel watch."
"Seriously?" she laughed.
"It slipped from her nightstand, and when I saw it... I just had to. It felt great, to be honest," he chuckled, spinning spaghetti on his fork.
REGINA'S APARTMENT.
Meanwhile, Emma had decided to call Walsh. She walked back and forth in the living room in a pair of blue, silky pajamas she borrowed from Regina.
"Walsh, I'm sorry. I know that you think this is because of the other night when I remarked about your ugly sex faces, but it's not. I swear. This is about me, and I-" the phone beeped, alerting her that she filled the voicemail limit. She quickly redialed, getting the machine again.
"Got cut off again!" she explained. "Anyways, I just need to be who I am and figure out who that is. But I know that I am not meant to be your wife. So... yes. Goodbye, Walsh."
She hung up the phone, and everything became more real. She was starting a new chapter of her life in an exciting new city with interesting people. She was scared, but she also felt ready and determined.
NEAL'S APARTMENT.
Neal, Killian, and Robin were sitting on his living room floor amidst the boxes.
"What scares me the most is what if she was the last one? What if I don't get anyone else?" Neal questioned.
"The hell you talking about, mate? One woman?" Killian shook his head. "That is like saying there is only one type of alcohol for you. Let me tell ya something, Neal. There are loads of types and flavors of those types. You have classic beer, and you like that, so you stick with it. But when you are young and do that, you miss out on vodka, whisky, rum, and so much more."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Neal said emotionless.
"Well, how about ice cream?" Robin substituted. "There are many options for that. Don't stick with vanilla your whole life. Go out and try Rocky Road, Mint, Cookie Dough."
"Exactly," Killian agreed, putting an arm around Neal. "So, you got married. But you were young and stupid. Welcome back to the real world! Go explore it; grab a spoon."
"You know, now I'm not sure if I'm hungry or horny."
ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
Regina and Graham were still talking at the restaurant, even though
they finished eating a while ago. The restaurant was almost empty now; there were only a few couples left.
"Since she walked out on me, I..."
"You what?" Regina said curiously.
"Never mind. It is more of a fifth date confession."
"So, you think there is going to be a fifth date?" she teased, lifting an eyebrow.
"I hope so," he answered.
"Me too," she smiled. "But you might as well tell me now."
"Well, since she left... I haven't been able to perform... in bed," he confessed. Regina spat out her wine in shock; she definitely did not see that coming.
"Oh, god, I am so sorry," she apologized.
"It's fine," he said, lightly laughing and dabbling his shirt with a napkin.
"I know getting spit on wasn't the reaction you were hoping for," she said. "But wow. How long?"
"Two years," he sighed.
"Wow. I'm glad you broke her watch," Regina laughed.
"Still want that fifth date?"
"Definitely," she smiled.
REGINA'S APARTMENT
The next morning, Emma had invited Killian and Robin over to test her coffee.
"Isn't this great?" she said, bringing over two cups of coffee. "I mean, I've never made coffee before, but I think I caught on easily."
"Good for you!" Killian cheered. "And, while you're on this roll, if you want try out omelettes or French toast, I will gladly test." He and Robin took a sip of the coffee, and they both instantly grimaced, spitting the coffee back out into their cups.
"On second thought," Killian added, pouring the coffee into the kitchen table plant. "I'm not that hungry."
"Morning!" Regina chimed, wearing her red silk robe. After her, Graham unexpectedly came out.
"Did you two know he was here?" Killian asked, leaned into the table so Regina wouldn't hear. They shrugged and pulled the table closer to the door.
"I had a great time last night," Regina said to Graham at the door.
"Me too," he agreed, giving her a kiss.
"I'll talk to you later."
"And that wasn't a real date?" Killian questioned. "What the hell do you do on a real date?"
"Shut up, and put my table back," she laughed, walking to her bedroom to change.
"Alright," Robin said, getting up from the table. "Off to work. Because if I don't do these meetings... wouldn't make a difference."
"So, you all have jobs?" Emma confirmed.
"Yea, that's how we make a living," Robin said.
"I'm an actor," Killian said, doing a small bow.
"Wow, in anything big or something I may have seen?"
"Oh, I doubt it..." he shrugged.
"Unless," Robin spoke. "You saw the production of Pinnochio from the Wee Ones."
"Afraid not," Emma laughed.
"You missed out," Robin said, smirking. Mimicking Killian's voice and actions, he said,
"Gepetto, I'm a real live boy!"
Killian nodded, standing up.
"I will not take this abuse," he said, pretended to be serious.
"You're right; I'm sorry," Robin said, but began dramatically singing one of the songs, running after Killian.
Regina came out of her room, dressed in black slacks and white shirt.
"What are you up to today, Emma?" she asked.
"I'm gonna go get a job, and I actually gotta go get ready!"
"Well, good luck," Regina wished, exiting the apartment.
CAFE.
Regina came bustling into the cafe after work, thankful that the group was already there.
"I hate men," she stated.
"Why? What happened?" Anna asked. "Does he actually eat chalk?"
"No," Regina dismissed. "He's a liar who tricked me into bed."
"Do explain," Robin said.
"Well, on the date," she began, sitting on the couch and resting a hand on her temple. "he told me that he hadn't had sex since his divorce two years ago."
"Obvious line," Robin remarked, sitting on his usual chair.
"It wasn't to me," Regina said.
"Of course it was a line!" Killian agreed.
"How was I supposed to know?" she wondered.
"I assume you want an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you to sleep with him'?" Neal clarified.
"I just thought he was a nice guy," Regina huffed.
"Come on, give me your feet," Anna said, massaging her feet.
"I can't believe you didn't know it was a line!" Killian laughed, earning a swat on his arm by Regina.
"Coffee, anyone?" Emma asked, coming up behind them with a coffee pot and apron.
"Wait, you work here?" Regina confirmed.
"Well, I tried all these high end places, but they wanted experience or weren't hiring. They let me work here, though, so here I am," Emma proudly announced. "I cut up all my credit cards, so I am officially on my own."
"Wow," everyone said.
"I'm proud of you, Emma," Regina smiled.
"Thanks," Emma grinned. "So, coffee?"
"Do you make it?" Killian asked concerned.
"No, Ruby does. I just serve it," Emma explained.
"In that case, I'd love some," Robin said, lifting his cup.
"Cheers!" Killian exclaimed, raising his glass.
CAFE.
The cafe was now closing, so most of the group left, except for Neal, who decided to stay back to keep Emma company while she cleaned.
"So," he said, sitting on a chair by the bar. "I don't know if you ever knew this, but I used to have a crush on you when we were in high school."
"I knew," she smiled, looking up from her dusting.
"I always thought you saw me as Regina's geeky, older brother."
"Well, I did," she replied. "But I thought it was cute. I was honored to be crushed on by you."
"Oh," Neal smiled. "Do you think, and don't let this go to your head or take you aback, that I could maybe ask you out sometime?"
"Yea, that'd be okay," Emma said, setting down the duster.
"Cool, okay. Well, I'll walk you home, if you're finished," he offered.
"I am, thanks. Let me just get my jacket," she said, exiting to the back room.
REGINA'S APARTMENT.
"Oh, hey, Emma, Neal," Regina said from the couch. She was wearing pajamas now and was watching a Richard Gere movie.
"Hey," Emma greeted. "I'm gonna go straight to bed, so goodnight, guys!"
The two said goodnight, and Regina clicked off the television.
"I wanted to drop off the extra key you gave me. I'm gonna sleep at my place now," Neal said, setting the key on the kitchen table.
"Alright, well, if you get lonely, you know where to find me," Regina said, folding a blanket.
"Thanks," he said. "Well, night."
"Wait, what's up with you? You're all smiley."
"I grabbed a spoon," Neal grinned, closing the apartment door behind him.