Chapter 1 : The disposition of Haruhi Suzumiya
It seemed like it would be one of those days.
The SOS-Brigade, an acronym for something impossibly long and selective, that is "The Saving The World By Overloading It With Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade", was enjoying a somewhat-rare moment of tranquility this Friday evening, with classes finished for the day and the prospect of the weekend opening before them. Kyon and Koizumi were playing a game of Othello, the white and black pieces marshalled upon the board in intricate patterns, yet neither able to get a definite advantage over the other. Mikuru was clad in her maid outfit, which was a regular occurrence at this point, making some tea while Yuki sat in the corner, reading the latest from a rather large collection of novels, ever happy to be silent and captivated by the stories unfolding in those pages. There weren't many moments like these in the SOS-Brigade, times of peace and quiet when chaos and absolute madness did not seem to reign. Then again, the usual culprit of those instances had yet to arrive, meaning that everyone was probably on the edge of their seat, due to in almost perfect balance of anticipation and dread. For his part, Kyon knew how messy and unpredictable things could get around here and he was hard-trained in going with the flow, so to speak. He placed his token on the board, making the most of this fleeting peace while it lasted...
"Everyone, stop what you're doing and listen up!"
...and there it went.
Ever-predictable in her impossible urges, Haruhi Suzumiya, the founder of the Brigade herself, appeared on the scene. Bursting into the clubroom with several boxes in hand, overflowing with what Kyon could only describe as "a ton of bizarre crap", she shoved the Othello board aside, taking precedence over anything else that could be happening currently. "I've got a plan, something shining, shimmering and splendid!"
A few glances were exchanged, different reactions overcoming people who already knew that they'd be dragged along with whatever insane plan their self-appointed Brigade Chief had concocted. They'd probably have fun, but being apprehensive and not always eager to go along with her schemes was almost routine at this point, a ritual that was part-and-parcel of being a friend of Haruhi. Mikuru, the most afraid, masked her dread by pretending to continue brewing tea, while Yuki lifted her eyes away from her book and Koizumi just smiled… as always. Only Kyon was quick-witted enough to actually check out the contents of one of the boxes. A cheap "golden" oil lamp, most likely a toy, a plastic scimitar, a few cushions… considering Haruhi's choice of words in introducing whatever scheme she had in mind, he managed to piece together just what she in store for them.
"So, I've discovered this pretty good book lately called 'The Arabian Nights' and..."
And there you have it, Kyon thought. Of course Haruhi would be into that kind of thing, she was always drawn to the interesting and odd, be it science-fiction or fantasy. She had founded the SOS-Brigade specifically to seek out and befriend time-travelers, aliens, psychics and what-not, unaware that she had actually succeeded, thanks to her own amazing yet-unpredictable power over reality itself.
"There's some pretty amazing stuff in here," Haruhi continued, waving a battered copy of the book. "Giant birds, voyages, genies, thieves, sword-fighting, dancers… all the works!" she said, enthusiastically slamming it down so that she could begin to unpack one of the boxes, assisted by Koizumi, cheerful as always. The book was quickly taken for inspection by Yuki, who retreated to her corner to read it, the artificial human's bibliophile personality driving her to investigate this current fixation of Haruhi's.
"The central character of Scheherazade is actually interesting. A storyteller who manages to create a thousand-and-one tales with no real endings to keep the interest of her captor," Koizumi pontificated, having already read the whole text apparently, ever prepared and knowledgeable. Kyon wondered if it was because the cheerful esper was just that well-read, or if his psychic connection to Haruhi had given him some forewarning. If so, then he could have shared...
"You're damn right she is. She's bad-ass!" Haruhi declared with an enthusiasm that was rather difficult not to be swayed by.
"So...uh...what exactly did you plan to do with...all of this?" Mikuru asked, bringing tea for everyone and trying to act nonchalant, an act that did not fool a single person in the room. Ever prone to being cast in the more humiliating or fanservicey roles in Haruhi's scenarios, it was rather natural for her to be worried, especially since Haruhi loved to tease the meek time-traveler.
"We're gonna put on a play. The whole Arabian Nights, told on stage!" Haruhi loudly proclaimed, before opening up the last box to reveal multiple outfits, apparently scavenged from costume stores and thrift shops and thrown-together in a simulacrum of orientalist dreams. Producing a plastic headpiece she planted it imperiously on her head and struck a pose. "Do you see?"
Oh, Kyon could already see, see the disaster that would unfold as when she forced them all to act, sing, dance or some-such nonsense. Knowing Haruhi she'd probably mix myths up with movies like Aladdin, and somewhere along the line an actual flying carpet would get involved. Still, Kyon knew better than to try to convince Haruhi to change a plan once it was in her head, so damage-control would be his role in all of this, as always. "Okay, so who's gonna be playing who? How many characters exactly are there in this?"
"There's Sinbad and his crew… then Ali Baba, his wife, his slave Morgana and the forty thieves… Aladdin and the Princess Badroulbadour, the genie of the ring and the genie of the lamp… Jafar… Scheherazade… King Shahryar..." Koizumi began to enumerate, glancing towards the book that Yuki was holding, and Kyon began to see just what kind of enormous endeavour this would prove to be.
"B-but there are so many!" Mikuru exclaimed, more than worried now as Koizumi, counting on his fingers, continued to recite an index of tales and characters in the background. "We can't possibly play them all!"
"The Tale of the Bull and the Ass, the Tale of the Trader and the Jinni…" Kyon heard Yuki begin to murmur in the corner, as if the alien girl was committing the contents page to memory. "The First Shaykh's Story, The Second Shaykh's Story…"
"You have so little faith," Haruhi teased Mikuru, drawing a rather revealing belly dancer costume out of the box, dangling it before the 'maid's' eyes. "Trust in your Brigade Chief Mikuru, I'm sure you'd make a splendid Morgana… or even a pretty good Scheherazade."
Of course Mikuru would be acting as the fanservice of this whole show, and then Haruhi saw Kyon looking at the outfit in her hands and gave him a sly smile.
"I'm gonna be wearing one of these too, you know," she declared with a little wink and a mischievous wiggle of the hips. "It's going to be awesome."
It was going to be a catastrophe… But the idea did sound like fun, and much as Kyon could see where it could go wrong, seeing Haruhi and Mikuru dressed like harem dancers sounded oh-so-right and certainly worth all the trouble. He wasn't exactly a pervert, but it proved hard to resist the temptation to imagine the two beautiful girls in bedlah outfits.
Koizumi, ever the participant yes-man in anything that involved Haruhi, picked up a turban, a cheap-looking one with a bent feather on top, and placed it atop his head. "If Mikuru is Scheherazade, then who's gonna play the cruel king? The one who kill all those virgins?"
"Kyon of course!" Haruhi said without a single moment's hesitation. "With his sullen look and general outlook in life, he'd be perfect to play the role of a moody monarch."
Hurt by this general outlook on his personality, Kyon fidgeted around in the boxes, beginning to see how difficult this little project could prove to be. "Okay, so we just need time to prepare. When do you think we'll be putting on the play?"
"In a week," Haruhi responded, holding one of the bedlah outfits over her school uniform, clearly imagining how she'd look while wearing it. "Gotta strike the iron while it's hot, so I convinced the student council to let us use the auditorium next Saturday!"
"So we have a single week..."
"Yup!"
"To memorize a 1001 tales..."
"Yup!"
"And arrange costumes, build sets, rehearse and choreograph..."
"Yup!"
"Seven days… a week tomorrow."
"Yeah, that's what I put on the posters I produced for the play. I've plastered them all over the school."
This was going to be a nightmare; Kyon could already feel it as he looked at the others, hoping for a voice of reason beside his own, but no luck, what with Mikuru being anxious, Koizumi being as happy and cheerful as ever, and Yuki...
"The City of Brass...Ali the Cairene and the Haunted House of Baghdad...The Tale of Attaf..."
...was apparently still checking out the full list of the tales.
There was no way that this could work.