Hey all. This idea has been kicking around since I rewatched the films and saw Toll was going to therapy. I hope it's interesting. Happy reading!
2010
The office was quiet when Toll finished his speech. His therapist, Jill, hardly dared to blink. Never before had she heard such graphic details about someone dying. She was still fairly new in this field, and she should have known what to expect when you worked with mercenaries. She cleared her throat, wondering what to say next.
"I'm sorry," Toll apologized. "I guess that was a bit much. I've never done this before. I don't know how much to share or how much not to share."
"No, no, it's good," she finally said. "If it helps you, then that's good." Toll sat back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap, looking at her and waiting for more. Jill grappled for something helpful to say.
"So, these pirates," she said slowly. "Um, do you have nightmares or flashbacks of them dying?"
"Yea," Toll admitted. "I gotta say, it's not something I've ever had before, but lately my dreams have also been violent."
"Your subconscious perhaps," Jill nodded. "I'm not really a dream expert..."
"It's all right. It's just good to get this out in the open, you know? I don't really have anyone else to tell outside of the group."
"You're single?"
"Yup."
"Family?"
"Nope."
"Orphan?"
"You could say that."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right. Shit happens," Toll chuckled. He knew Jill was uncomfortable. He wished he could make her feel better.
"So what are you hoping to get from therapy?" she asked after a moment.
"I'm not really sure. Someone to listen to me maybe? Advice? Some coping strategies for those feelings of panic at night when I'm alone?" he suggested.
"Okay. Tell me more about the panic."
"Well, I guess I feel like I'm always being watched, that even though the bad guys are gone, somehow one of them is going to come back and kill me."
"That must be scary for you."
"Sometimes. Man, if the guys knew, they'd never let me hear the end of it," Toll laughed nervously, rubbing his head.
"Well, maybe the guys feel the same way too and don't let on either," Jill pointed out.
"If you knew them, you'd know what I mean," Toll said.
"Okay, so what helps with these feelings?" Jill asked, getting them back on track.
"Music usually. Reading. Meditating."
"Have you ever journaled?"
"Uh, I don't think I'd be good at that."
"It's really just taking what's in your head and getting it out on paper. It's helping your thoughts get released instead of keeping them trapped inside to torment you."
"Well, when you put it that way," Toll mused, thinking. "I guess I could try it."
"All you can do is try," Jill encouraged. "If it doesn't help, it doesn't help."
"So what do I do about the images of dead guys in my head?" Toll asked her.
"Well, the more you try not to think about something, the more it's going to keep coming back."
"So, what...you're saying to think about them?"
"Don't obsess over them, but if you allow yourself to look at the images, process them, and let them go, they might not keep coming back."
"Look, process, let go," Toll repeated. "Sounds easy enough."
"Maybe we should stop for today," Jill suggested.
"Yea sounds good. I'm getting a headache," Toll laughed. He stood and shook her hand. "Thank you."
"My pleasure. Enjoy the rest of your day," Jill smiled. She let out a long burst of air when he was gone. Somehow, the images he had stuck in his head were now in hers.
The Next Session
"So Barney and Lee have gone together to look at the next job, and this bothers you?" Jill asked. Toll was sporting scruff and dressed very casual this time. He looked exhausted. He had finished talking about some more nightmares he had processed and was now telling her about the next upcoming mission.
"Well...sort of. I know Lee is second in command, but I wish I could be recognized in the same way, you know? We all do our best as a team, but I'd like to ride in the front of the plane with Barney sometimes."
"Can't you tell him?"
"And get Lee's knife up my ass? No thanks."
"It seems like your team makes you feel you can't express yourself."
"Hell, I tried. They just made fun of me for coming here," Toll sighed.
"Well, maybe eventually they'll see the benefit of it," Jill said encouragingly. Toll just laughed. Once he finished, he cleared his throat.
"So, I tried journaling."
"Yea? And?"
"It actually helps," Toll admitted. "I was skeptical at first, and I felt a bit stupid writing down my feelings, but when it was over, it felt like a big weight was lifted."
"Good!"
"I burned it after. I don't want anyone reading it," Toll said sheepishly.
"That's okay. There's something about burning stuff that feels good too," Jill nodded.
"Oh definitely."
"So why do you think it bothers you that Lee is Barney's favorite?" Jill asked, going back to the root of the discussion.
"I didn't use that word," Toll said quickly.
"It was implied," Jill shrugged. "And they're not here, remember? Safe zone. You can tell me anything."
"They're just closer friends," Toll said after a moment. "Like Caesar and I are. I get why they're always together, I do. It'd just be nice to get a window seat every now and then."
"I'm sensing this is more about sitting in the front than being second in command," Jill said thoughtfully.
"I think it is," Toll admitted, laughing.
"Well, that's up to you to tell Barney," Jill finished.
"I'll consider it," Toll agreed. He knew there was no way that was ever happening.
The Next Session
"One of my former teammates is having trouble," Toll said, making Jill look at him from her notes.
"In what way?"
"He's struggling with addiction. He betrayed us to the bad guys and almost got Barney killed. He's in the hospital right now after getting shot. I'm not sure what his future looks like."
"Is this Gunner?" Jill asked. Toll cocked his head at her.
"Hey, you do remember what I say. It all doesn't just go in one ear and out the other," he teased.
"Of course I remember," she said seriously. "It also helps I have notes to refer to."
"Ha! Right," Toll grinned.
"If Gunner is open to have therapy, I could help," Jill said to him.
"I'll suggest it. We'll see how well that goes," Toll nodded.
"So, you're going to the next job?" Jill asked. Toll never said where his jobs were, and he never told her who the bad guys were.
"Yup. We leave in an hour."
"Are you afraid?"
Toll sighed, looking at the floor. Then he looked back up at her.
"Can I be honest?"
"Of course. You can always be honest in this room."
"I'm scared shitless," he said. "We have four and a half men against a whole army. Don't be surprised if I don't show up for my next session."
"Toll..." Jill started, but he held up his hand. He never gave her his real name either.
"It's all right," he assured her. "I'm used to thinking that my life is coming to an end. It's why I don't have friends outside of the group or a woman to come home to when it's over. Why get someone hurt when you don't have to?"
"That's a pretty bleak way of looking at life," Jill pointed out.
"It's my reality."
"It doesn't always have to stay that way," she reasoned.
"You're right, but for now, it is what it is," Toll said, standing up. "If we don't see each other again, this has meant a lot to me."
"It's only been three sessions," she said, confused.
"It's three more than I would ever have had if I hadn't come. Keep up the good work, Doc," Toll smiled. Then he was gone.
The Next Session
Jill sat at her office desk, wondering if she would see Toll that day. She felt anxious, thinking that maybe he had died after all. It saddened her. Toll had a lot to offer and a lot of life left to live. When ten minutes passed after their scheduled time, she felt her stomach drop. He wasn't coming. She furiously rubbed the sides of her temples, trying not to cry. She had spoken to her supervisor about the feelings of transference, that Toll reminded her of her father who had gone off to war and never come home. That was why she specialized in the mercenary and military field, though, because she wished someone had talked to her after her father had disappeared. She not only worked with veterans and active military men, but she worked with their families too.
"Sorry I'm late!" Toll said, swinging the door open with a bang. Jill's head snapped up, and she felt so much relief.
"You made it," she noted, trying to calm her shaking hands.
"I did. Hey, I brought Gunner. He's in the waiting room. Is it all right if we use my session to get him started? It took a lot of convincing to get him to come today," Toll said, wincing.
"I'd be glad to help him, Toll," Jill nodded. "But first, are you okay?"
"I will be," Toll replied. "We can talk about me later. Gunner! Get in here."
Jill took in the gigantic Swedish man who dwarfed her doorway and gulped.
"Hi," he said, waving.
"Have a seat," Jill said, gesturing after recovering from her shock. Toll sat back and encouraged Gunner to keep talking. Jill smiled.
The Next Session
"So, things have been quiet?" Jill asked. Toll nodded. They had spent most of the session talking about the last fight he'd survived and how he had time to start experimenting with cooking.
"Oh yea. Barney's looking for a new recruit. Someone younger preferably. We are getting older. We don't recover quite as fast anymore," Toll joked.
"How are the nightmares?"
"Still there, but not as rampant."
"Do you still think about the burning man?"
"Um, sometimes. He was brutal, though, Jill. You didn't see what he had done to those poor people."
"I know."
"Watching him burn and die was horrible and yet satisfying at the same time. Does that make me a bad person?" Toll asked.
"No," Jill shook her head. She felt a little nauseous picturing it, so she shoved the image away.
"Sometimes I think what I do makes me a bad person," Toll went on. "But then again, these guys would destroy the whole world if given the chance. Someone has to stop them, right?"
"You are right," Jill replied. "You're not a bad person for protecting your country or humanity altogether."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"I started a gratitude journal," Toll said proudly after a moment.
"Oh yea?"
"Yea. It helps me remember what I've got to live for."
"That's good," Jill smiled. Toll smiled back.
"I think that's good for today," he said after a moment. "I've got some errands to run."
"I'll see you next time," Jill nodded. He gave a small salute as he went out the door. Jill turned to her desk and started making notes.
If you have time to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it.