Okay silly one shot as part of a challenge called 'Happy Hermaphrodite Halloween'.
It's an unhealthy mixture of YuGiOh and YuGiOh the Abridged Series with a dash of a funny scene I'm making an homage to from Ashes to Ashes, sprinkled with insults and references...
I really don't know why I wrote it…

Kaiba was working late at his office.
Having fired two board members, three PR agents and one chartered accountant, Kaiba was in a way too good mood to be bothered by the fact that he would be forced to do the work of the missing people until a proper replacement had been found.
Well, a moderate replacement would do. Proper was much harder to find and far more expensive.

Terminating today's work, Kaiba reflected on the past few months.
The boring, dull, monotonous, past few months.
Months filled with paperwork and shouting at people and all the other advantages of running a company.
Following the same routine day after day.
Kaiba sighed with relief.

Not even a year had passed since the nerve-wrecking events of his tournament and the defeat he had been forced to face, his KC Grand Prix, with the meddling pink haired German and the way too confusing finish of losing his arch-enemy to some kind of ancient Egyptian tabletop, or something.

Yugi was dead, well obviously not silly, little innocent Yugi, but the strong ruthless dark side of him, Kaiba had been so unhealthily obsessed with.
So the presumed pharaoh was gone for good.
He had ceased to be, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible and so on...
Which meant, as Kaiba had figured, that he had won, right?

Kaiba sat back in his chair and smiled.
Yes, he had won.
He suppressed a yawn as he stretched.
But the best part of it was that this short, and in Kaiba's opinion useless, trip to Egypt had drawn the finishing line for all natural or presumed supernatural nonsense. .
No more of this millennium item and destiny gibberish, no more golden eye ball's left by a maniac challenging him to a duel during the middle of the night.
No more ancient Atlantean king, who had sicced his red-haired gun-hating pacifist on him. Which he had duelled on a plane and the whole ridiculous thing had lead to being rescued by...
God, he had almost forgotten about the thing with the dragons. Kaiba was embarrassed even thinking about it.
Though, he had vanquished a dragon, which made him some kind of knight, right?
Kaiba shook his head, in a futile attempt to dislodge the silly thoughts.

Where were we?
Ah, yes.
No more souls trapped in cards.
No more prophecies.
No more God cards.

At this point Kaiba sighed with envy, before frowning at the question what had actually happened to them and making a note that he needed to call Yugi first thing Monday morning.
Oh, the bunch of dim-witted losers.
Kaiba sure had been happy to have seen the last of them.
He'd never wasted a thought on them for the past few months.
Those losers, going to school, being friends, serving a year in prison for assault in Joey's case, well it was bound to happen, right? Or gaining another restraining order on Duke's behalf.

But, yes Kaiba was content, if not to say pleased. He even would have been happy, had he been able to remember if the mouth was supposed to go up or down when forming a smile.
Normality.
A picture of his little brother surfaced.
Well, moderate normality.

Kaiba sighed.
His beloved little brother.
His little Mokuba.
A nerd...
Of course Kaiba had smiled at the first top ten scientific facts and five amazing things you can do with a banana that has gone of lists, Mokuba had shared with his friends. And he had graciously overlooked the little tabletop figurines slowly emerging out of thin air, until an army of orcs had conquered almost the whole shelve.
And the geeky conversation protruding through his little brother's door, did he skype with his friends, which always started with things like: "Yes, but in episode 204 he mentions that the intergalactic turkey-cyclone would only emerge if..."
True, Mokuba did love a little techno-babble, though he shared his big brother's admiration for holograms. And that at least was something he and Mokuba could talk about.
Kaiba sighed again.
Well, he thought to himself, it could be worse...
He could be a Doctor Who fan.

Kaiba looked up as the lights started flickering.
Oh dear, not another blown light bulb. All his subordinates had already gone home, which meant he would not be able to delegate this matter on to someone else, but would be forced to change a light bulb. God, he hated changing light bulbs. Especially those weird things practically implanted into some stylish chrome lamp arrangement; no one would be able to reopen those damn things without destroying them.

There was the flickering again, though it, as he realised now, was not strictly sticking to the lamps above him, but something afflicted the rest of the illumination as well.

"Humph, what's the matter Kaiba?"

A voice protruded through the speaker system only to be used in emergencies.
Ok, what the hell was going on?

"What are you worrying about?"

Oh no, he thought to himself.
Please let this be some kind of joke, conceived by his nerdy brother.

"Looks like you've finally realized what's going on, Kaiba."

Kaiba had left his office in order to find the source of this idiocy.

This voice...
Kaiba was sure, that he had heard that voice before, though he couldn't for the life of his tell where and when.

"This way."

Wait a moment, he thought to himself as he stopped abruptly.
The flickering lights, the voice...

"What are you doing? I'm over here."

At the end of the corridor a door was slight ajar with light spilling out.
No, it was simply impossible, that...
Oh for fuck's sake.

Kaiba pushed open the door to a medium sized conference room and spotted right away the only chair not facing his way.
Just when he thought he had finally gotten rid of all the weirdoes...

"Being able to see you again makes me happy, Kaiba Seto."

The seat was turned revealing Alister, as expected by Kaiba as the source of his current discomfort.

"Please tell me, this is all some kind of joke..." Kaiba groaned.

Alister smiled at him. He looked strained, not strained like a mad man living in some ancient Atlantean temple in want of avenging his dead brother, but strained like someone not getting enough sleep. Actually, as Kaiba had to admit he looked quite happy and wore a pleasant smile.
His hair was a bit longer than it had been at their last encounter, which was quite becoming, as Kaiba's suppressed libido commented before being shoved back into its mental prison. As he spotted right away, Alister had fortunately disposed of this ridiculous cropped shirt, but wore a black turtleneck with long sleeves. And Kaiba's white coat, which had gone missing quite a while ago.

"Hello, again," he stated unnecessarily cheerful, which pissed Kaiba off instantly.

Kaiba took a deep breath.
"Listen," he tried, "I know you won't understand, as you failed to do so already last time, but I'm not responsible for you little brother's death!"

"But my brother is not dead," Alister stated happily, "I found him. Turns out he survived and there had been no reason to swear vengeance in the first place and duel you on a plane and so forth..."

Feeling Kaiba's admonishing stare, Alister gave a little embarrassed giggle and added, "Whoops...My bad."
Though he followed Kaiba's gaze being drawn to the coat.

"Oh, this?" Alister ran his fingers over the soft white leather, "you left it at the hospital, when you paid me a visit."

Kaiba gulped as terrible memories surfaced.
It was all rather a blur, but there were scrapes of pouting lips and red hair, as his body moved against...
God, please don't tell me he knows...

"One of the nurses told me. She said you had just left, not that I could have guessed with this," at which point Alister wrapped the coat even tighter around his body, "still lying around."

Kaiba relaxed.
Good, he didn't know.

"So, small question," Kaiba tried, "Why are you here again?"

"Oh, I wanted to give it back," Alister stated cheerfully.

"Thank you. Though sending it back would have been sufficient," Kaiba shot him a stern glance, "Come on, stop fooling around, Alister. All this just to return a coat?"

Alister cleared his throat.
"Well, to be honest there is something else you left me with..."

Alister stood up.
Kaiba looked down. His jaw dropped.

"Is that..."

"Yes," Alister assured him.

"Are you..."

"Yes."

"I mean..."

"I know this must come as a shock for you, though I...hey, it's kicking me, do you want to feel it?"

Kaiba stared in horror at Alister's bulging belly, which could have only been more obvious stating, that Alister was in the family way, if it had been tattooed 'pregnant' in neon colours.
Oh, dear. This was bad.

"I...I mean, how did..."Kaiba stammered, still unable to avert his eyes from the protruding monstrosity.

"You tell me," Alister stated, visibly enjoying the look on Kaiba's face.

"Well, yes...I...this is simply impossible..." Kaiba stammered, "Who is the father?"

"You are," Alister snapped, enraged how Kaiba could even think of posing such a question, "It appears this whole...circumstance is your doing."

"My doing?"

"After you...forced yourself onto me..."

"Wait a minute," Kaiba almost cut Alister off, "I had not been forcing myself onto you."

"Yes, you have. I couldn't say no, because I was lacking a soul at this point, remember?"
Alister added while blushing.
"How...I mean how did you find out?"

Kaiba was taken back to the ten minutes, the damn ten minutes he had spent with Alister alone in the helicopter. Well, to be more precise, the lifeless shell that had been Alister's body.
And he had pulled down his pants for whatever reason, when he had seen it.
Alister's genitalia. Both of them.
Alister was a hermaphrodite.
And he had returned to him, had wanted to check on him, whether his soul had been returned to his body, when...
Oh God...

"I thought you came from one of this primitive cultures, you know with honour and folklore, oppressing the defeated enemy and such..."

Alister glanced at him, like he had lost his mind.

Well, in my defence..." Kaiba stammered, "I thought you were going to die anyway, so I figured...well I would say no harm done, but I'll refrain from doing so."

"You're terrible, you couldn't even wait until the nurse had left the room before you had started groping around between my legs."

"I'm sorry alright," Kaiba tried, but added, "wait a minute, how come you know about it?"

Alister blushed and was trying to defend himself when Kaiba continued.
"And how long does it take souls to return to their bodies?" he scowled at Alister, "You were awake the whole time. You were even moaning, quietly, but still. And I had been puzzled how a soulless shell could be this dripping wet down there..."

"Ok, alright, change of subject, please," Alister stated, the colour of his cheeks almost matching his hair, "Let's settle for, it was an accident."

Kaiba harrumphed.

"Still, it's undeniable," Alister continued, "you are the father."

Kaiba rolled his eyes.
"I'm not quite sure how..."

"Can I sit down again?" Alister looked a bit embarrassed, "It's just that...my legs get tired easily and..."
Alister cursed while supporting his back as he collapsed onto the chair, which creaked ominously under his weight.

"Yeah, alright I get it, re-enacting your triumph, very funny."
Kaiba's tone of voice changed, he was now brimming with concern.
"But where is my security, you know my body guards, my staff?"
He cast a reproachful glance at Alister, who smiled viciously in return.
"Please don't tell it's the doing of this stupid ornament of yours, you know the Oreichkhalos pattern…"

"Seal of Orichalcos," Alister corrected him.

"Yeah, something like that," Kaiba continued unfazed, "please don't tell me my employees have just been magical projections…No, scratch that thought. Please do tell me they have been only magical projections, so I won't have to pay them anymore for their incompetence."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but the Seal is long gone, I'm afraid," Alister sighed at the recollection of those glorious days, but added proudly, "No, it's been exclusively my doing."

"What was?" Kaiba shot him a questioning glare, "What did you do to them?"

"I suffocated them. Pressed them flat against a wall with my bulging belly and ate them afterwards," Alister snapped and added reproachfully, "What do you think?"
He beckoned Kaiba to open the door leading to a small storage room.
A groaning heap of tied up men in suits was spilling over, as Kaiba wedged the door close instantly again.
Kaiba shrugged while going back to the table.
"You took them all out?"

"Yes," Amelda answered proudly, "I sneaked up behind them one by one and knocked them out cold. Then I hid them in there. I must say, the marble floors are ideal for dragging corpses and unconscious people around."
"Of course," he continued a bit embarrassed, "it all got kind of annoying when the next shift started and I had to get rid of them all over again. Do you always work this long?"
He yawned while trying to wriggle into a more comfortable position.
"And still you hadn't noticed anything. So I hacked into your surveillance system," at this point Alister gave a smug smile, "it barely took me ten minutes."

"Excluding pee breaks?"

Alister scowled at Kaiba before the groaning from without made him turn his head.
"Aren't you..." he tried, "Aren't you going to help them?"

Kaiba shrugged.
"No," he stated levelly, "they knew what awaited them when they signed up for the job. Though I need to check with my lawyer first thing Monday morning. I'm just afraid being knocked out by a pregnant hermaphrodite burglar would be stretching the term of industrial injury a bit."
"Speaking of stretching, how are you coping?" Kaiba asked indiscreet as he was.

"Oh yeah, fine," Alister spat sarcastically, "I feel like I'm about to burst, my thoughts revolve around where the next toilet might be, I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep in two months and I'm being tormented by the weirdest cravings..."
Here he harrumphed, though he added meekly, "Speaking of which...ehm...I don't suppose you could get me something to drink...or perhaps a little snack?"

Just when he had thought that he had finally been freed from all ridiculousness.
And here he was sitting in a conference room with his former arch-enemy, bringing him tea.
Mind you, Alister was talented and Seto made a mental memo of firing whoever the hell was in charge of security.
He was sitting opposite an aggressor who had not only been able to hack into his system, but to gain access to his property as well. Which felt a bit weird.

Perhaps it would have been more intimidating, if said aggressor was not now busying himself with scoffing at least one month's ratio of biscuits.

"So, what brings you to Japan?" Kaiba tried to break the ice.

"Oh, you know," Amelda said between chews, scattering bits of cookies everywhere "the usual...finding and reuniting with my brother, meeting up with old enemies..."

"Stealing people's souls?" Kaiba tried.

"Actually I've been living in Domino for three months now," Alister continued ignoring Kaiba's remark, "I found a nice flat and Rafael got me a job as chartered accountant, though they kicked me out for being..." here his voice dropped as he waved his hand vaguely.

"A pain in the neck? A hacking, meddling smartass? A constant threat to their biscuit reserve?"

"I was going to say, in the family way," Alister looked a bit hurt and pushed the remaining cookies back into the almost empty box.
"But Rafael agreed on suing them, unless of course," at which point Alister winked at Kaiba, "my future husband thinks it's his duty to do so..."

Kaiba's head shot up.
"What was that?"

"I'm not keen on a big reception and all that," Alister stretched in his chair, "You know white drapes and other unnecessary capitalistic gimmick. No, no...a shot-gun wedding will do."

"Wait, you don't think I'm going to..."

"You have no choice," Alister stated while scowling at him, "I'm carrying your illegitimate child."

"It's the best you can have with me."

Alister rolled his eyes.
"Listen," he tried to sound levelly, "It needs to be done. We have no choice."

"Yes, I do," Kaiba stated affronted, "I can still decline your proposal."

"No, you can't," Alister growled grabbing Kaiba by his tie, "All right; this might not be entirely your fault, though we must get married. I couldn't bare the shame of raising a child out of wed-lock. There would be difficulties, unpleasant customs..."

"Such as?" Kaiba asked mildly annoyed.

"You know, my honour would need to be defended. You know, with me sprouting from those tribes and uncivilised cultures...It would be expected. And since my brother is the only living relative I have left, he would be forced to challenge you to a duel, which would be..." at this point Alister's voice trailed off, "a bit embarrassing, since he would probably use a laser sword to do so..."

After seeing the look on Alister's face, Kaiba felt almost sorry for him.

"He is a nerd, right?"

Alister burst into tears.

Great, Kaiba thought to himself while padding his pockets for a handkerchief, sitting around with a pregnant hermaphrodite this was bound to happen sooner or later.
He patted Alister's back.
Still, they weren't so different after all...

"You know, the worst part is..." Alister continued five handkerchiefs and two spilled cups of tea later," when he explains something to me...one of those 'fun-facts'..."
Kaiba nodded in sympathy. Good grief, the fun-facts.

"And then I ask him something and he looks at me, like I've just posed the most ridiculous question in the whole wide world..."
Alister blew his nose.
"I mean, every child likes fantasy stories and nature...but they all behave like this would be some sort of rocket science. Star Trek and Lord of the Rings and whatever weird figurines are now infiltrating my bookshelves, since Mikey has already used up all the space in his room...I swear, by learning those little, silly, harmless fun-facts it pushes something important out of you brain and the next thing you know, you will be the one painting little figurines of LOTR..."
Alister let out a long desperate sigh...

"Still, it could be worse," Kaiba tried to cheer him up, "at least he is not a Doctor Who fan..."
Seeing the look on Alister's face Kaiba instantly regretted his choice of words.

"Do you know who the members of the Cult of Skaro are?" Alister wanted to know; his voice had dropped to a wail.

"No."

"He does!"

"I feel so guilty," Alister croaked, once he regained control over his vocal chords, "I mean, perhaps I could have prevented it by finding him sooner..."
For lack of any handkerchief being within his reach, he blew his nose in Kaiba's sleeve.

"It can't be helped, I'm afraid," Seto patted his hand after he had taken off his jacket, "It's in their nature, they can't help it..."
He forced Alister to look at him by grabbing his chin, "It's not your fault. Neither is it his. That's just the way it goes. It's not as if it was their choice, they are born this way. Can't help it but think of topics for their top ten lists and how one typo in volume four of the second edition might cast a different glance on the whole franchise and how it proves the multiverse theory..."

Alister stared disbelievingly at Seto.
"You too," he mouthed but was cut off.

"No, haha, my brother. Ehm, yes...Mokuba is a geek...I'm afraid..."
Kaiba watched as Alister sought comfort in scoffing the remaining biscuits.

"Well, that's settled then..." Alister stretched in his chair, once he had rechecked the by now empty box of cookies, "I'll arrange for the wedding first thing Monday morning."

Inside Kaiba the rage was bubbling up and joined forces with the lack of sleep and the unhealthy dose of caffeine he'd just been exposed to.

"I think," Alister began, but was interrupted by Kaiba.

"Oh, no. For once you'll listen to me."

"Yes, but I think..."Alister tried.

"No. I've had enough of this. You come here, steal your way into my company, when you could have tried calling me via phone like any sensible person, in order to inform me about the unusual circumstances which had arisen from a thing I had with some presumed soulless mad guy who had been stalking me and had been trying to kill me more than once..."

"Alright. I think..."

"But no, you needed to continue your silly little games, setting up this unnecessary little charade. If you had spent half the time it took you to plan this thing, on thinking about how you could break the news to me, I would have been home sleeping in bed two hours ago. And yes, why are you looking at me like that? What is it?"

"I think..." Alister was panting, while giving a worried little smile, "I think my water just broke..."

Kaiba was sitting in one corridor in the maternity ward of Domino's private hospital, drinking coffee from a paper cup and texting Mokuba his whereabouts.
Stupid nurses.
They had thrown him out for asking Alister whether or not he would consider applying for a job at KaibaCorp.
Oh well...

"Ehm, excuse me..." Kaiba looked up and almost jumped at the nerd version of Alister staring with his grey eyes directly at him.

"Alister's in there," Kaiba sighed, pointing at the door behind him.

"You are..."

"Yes, I'm the father..."

Mikey sat down next to him.
"So..." he tried

"So..." Kaiba answered, the guy reminding him uncomfortably of Mokuba.

"You've met at an airport, right?" Mikey said eventually.

Kaiba stared at him while taking another sip.
"What did your brother tell you about the baby's father?"

"Well, he was travelling, searching for me obviously, when he met this really charming business man on some isolated airport, and their flight had been cancelled, and just exchanging glances he knew that they were meant for each other and so the business man invited him to spend the night with him at his hotel, though my brother had forgotten to ask his name and so..."
Mikey sighed with envy.
"A tragic romance," he whispered.
Kaiba rolled his eyes.

"Seto..."
Mokuba had stormed into the corridor.
"Hey, what's going on. Omg, that's so unbelievable. You a parent. I mean, why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because I didn't know, that's why. Until two hours ago, I didn't even know that I was going to be a parent."

"You are," Mikey, who had until now been eavesdropping, corrected him, "I think it is here..."

Kaiba stood up and took his time reaching the door.
He gulped.
Kaiba was shaking with uncertainty.
He needed a push.

"Do you want to hear ten facts about pregnancy and bearing a child?" Mikey was trying to break the ice, unsure how to start a conversation.

Well, this would have to do for now, Kaiba thought as he opened the door.
But to his disappointment he heard Mokuba enquiring: "Alright, let's hear them..." as he passed through the door.

It had been a strange moment, enriched with half sentences, embarrassed laughs and ridiculous questions.
Alister was holding their baby in his arms.
They were parents.
Oh, dear...

Kaiba felt that a word of encouragement was needed.
"I'm not weeping for the bachelordom I just lost..." at which point his eyes fell upon Alister holding their new born child in his arms, who beckoned him to continue, "But am thrilled to have gained a new chartered accountant."

Alister sighed as his shoulder sagged.

"This had been the strangest job interview I've ever had," Kaiba commented half to himself reflecting on Alister going into labour, "though can't say, that it had been the one with the most shouting and screaming on the behalf of the possible employee."

Alister had closed his eyes as he let out a long strained sigh.
From without they could hear the two nerds debating, who, as it turned out, had met before via some obscure chat rooms and forums using strange pseudonyms.

"It's a start, right?" Alister asked wearily, dehydrated and exhausted as his was.

Kaiba took his baby into his arms as he sat down next to Alister.
And he was about to agree as he heard Mikey's unnervingly cheerful voice as he proposed to Mokuba : "Say, have you ever watched an episode of Doctor Who?"