A/N: this is just going to be sad, I'm warning you now, there will be happiness later but now its just plain depressing…enjoy!

Warning: shonen ai, manic depression, emo Sasuke, the usual…

Disclaimer: no, I don't Naruto

So Lonely Here

Chapter One

Breathing's Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

'Wake up.' a familiar voice called out from the darkness. Sasuke didn't want to wake up, he wanted to remain lying here forever, he wanted to let the world forget him, and allow himself to shut down and slowly wane away. Just like him… Just like the other boy, who lay, dead to the world, accompanied only by the haunting beep of his own heart being monitored. Sasuke didn't deserve to wake up, to push the warm covers off and rub his eyes against the bright shine of the morning light. He didn't deserve to, but he opened his eyes anyways. There was no bright sunshine like in his thoughts, only darkness, the only light that filtered into his room came from the edges of the drawn blinds. Some morning light seeped through, but not enough. Not enough to show the dark boy that life went on, despite what had happened. Sasuke was frozen in time, frozen was the best way to describe it, but perhaps a more fitting word would be to say that he was waiting. Waiting for him to wake up, something that he was told would never happen. And in Sasuke's mind he couldn't understand the fairness of the situation. If the other couldn't grow up, then who was he too? He couldn't leave him behind, he wouldn't have ever done that to Sasuke. But…he had, not on purpose, never on purpose. Mechanically Sasuke rose from the bed and went through the routine the morning demanded. Once done, dressed in black pants, a shirt displaying a band that the raven did not register, he didn't have the energy to remember. Only one thing, one memory mattered to him, and the key to that memory lay in the picture he grasped in his pale hand, turned frail, like his body. The youngest Uchiha looked almost emaciated, translucent skin from only venturing out into the sun to get to the hospital, even then he wore a hood to block out the unwanted bright rays. Under his dulled black eyes were bruises from exhaustion, lack of sleep, nightmares. He reached the kitchen and poured milk into a clear glass and seated himself at the small round table, a table with three chairs. Sasuke sat there everyday, in the same chair, the chair across from him was often filled by his silent older brother, but the chair between them remained empty day after day. But the raven often caught himself sitting down to dinner, expecting the seat beside him to be filled with the loud, waiting for the other to spout off some obscenity that would make him sigh in annoyance or roll his eyes. But those days were long over, they had crashed and burned, gone up in flames, just like…a car crash…

Sasuke sat staring at the untouched glass of milk, the picture he carried like a cross was pressed against cold heart as his hand clutched his aching chest. The cuts and burns, bruises and breaks healed, but this type of pain never went away, it was more than the physical wounds, it hurt more, it cut deeper, ached for longer, never dulled, it was always there. But if that painful feeling went away, then Sasuke wouldn't know what to do, how to function. He was just masochistic enough to hold onto the pain, to never let it go. The chair across from him scrapped across the tiled floor as it was pulled out, and a taller, healthier version of Sasuke sat down, a cup of coffee in hand. They say in silence as Itachi watched his little brother stare at the untouched glass. His black eyes lingered on the picture clutched to Sasuke's chest. The photo was face down against his brother's chest, so that no one could see the moment the camera had caught. But he didn't have to see the picture to remember what it held, because he had been the one to pull out the camera, smiling, and press the button to capture the moment forever, giggling afterwards at the shocked looks of his little brother and…him. He opened his mouth to say something, anything to his little brother, but Sasuke stood up, poured his milk into the sink and disappeared out of the room, like a ghost, almost as if he had never been there at all. Itachi sighed sadly, in defeat, as he heard the front door close with a resounding click that echoed through the entrance hall and into the empty kitchen. The kitchen hadn't always been so empty, he could remember a better time, when ever thing was a little brighter, when there was laughter and giggles, when there used to be soft smiles on Sasuke's delicate face. But the sunshine that had graced those precious days was gone, and Itachi missed him. Sasuke was so fragile now, since it had happened, he could see the guilt etched onto his hollowed face, remorse and regret racked the small boy. The only thing that seemed to keep him alive through the waking hours was that battered and abused picture he always carried with him, almost like a replacement for the one they had lost. And when it stared not to hurt, when it stared not to matter, perhaps he's realize hoe easy it would be to just let him be dead.

'Keep him alive, Sasuke, if its what you want.' Itachi thought as he rested his head in his hands, 'Because one day- you'll forget to carry that picture with you and he wont be with you anymore.' But once the eldest Uchiha thought about it, he wasn't sure he wanted to see what Sasuke would be like if her was to accept the tragic loss. Would he be better or would he be worse?

Sasuke walked the short two blocks to the hospital, shoulders hunched and hands in pockets. His hollow black eyes were cast on the monotonous pavement, the hood shielded his face from the world. The silent minutes and soon he was walking through the automatic doors of the hospital. The nurse seated at the front desk looked up to see the dark boy stopped in front of her.

"Hello Sasuke, how are you today?" she asked kindly, it was the same question as always. Sasuke just glared and jerked his shoulders in a pathetic shrug, a shrug that both answered her question and silently asked his own.

"No, Sasuke, I'm sorry…" the nurse said sadly, answering his question if there was any change since yesterday. It was the same answer everyday. No. No. No. No. No. Always no, never yes. He nodded, defeated and walked down the white hallway his black outfit and graceful movements giving him the appearance of a wrath, or even a ghost, anything but human. Sasuke's steps made no sound as he entered the intensive care unit of the hospital. Rooms passed by, the same morbid scenery played again and again. Patients laying, unmoving, cursed by death's firm grip, loved ones left behind to face the world on there own sobbing in chairs, clinging to the lifeless hands of the very ones that had forsaken them, as if forgiving them for what they had done. The sound of air being forced into failing lungs, and the haunting sound of hearts being monitored. That sound, the painful tempo that haunted him unendingly in his nightmares, it was a relentless monster, screaming over and over again 'look how broken I have become, look how far I have fallen…all because of you'. The monster held no remorse for the scarred boy, treating the tempo like a sick joke, 'his body lives on but his mind has been lost, your fault.'

But to Sasuke, he saw it as small punishment, a small cost for his life to continue on. The haunting bloody memories that were solely his burden to carry, the foreboding beeps and the sharp ache in his heart were just the prices to pay to remain here…sometimes he thought he would surrender it all just for the peace death offered. But he had to stay here, passing the days by barely breathing, living minute by minute just in case he came back, just in case he woke up. Soon the youngest Uchiha reached the very last door at the end of the dark hallway and opened it silently, stepping in and shutting the door in one swift, quiet movement. His hands shook as he looked upon the still figure lying on the bed. The photo fell unceremoniously to the cold ground as Sasuke took shaky steps toward the body whose only movement was the rise and fall of the small chest. The sight tore as his heart just as it did with every visit, everyday…he was surprised he had any heart left to be shredded after all of this time. The dark haired boy approached the bed and carefully reached out a quivering hand to touch the smaller, paler hand that lay immobile.

"Naruto…" he chocked out, gripping the small hand as he fell limply in the seat beside the bed, allowing his head to fall on the white sheets beside the other boy's side. He pressed the cold hand to his cheek, begging for the boy to wake up so that he could see that glowing smile just one more time. But he didn't, no matter how hard Sasuke wished, prayed, Naruto never awoke from his unnatural slumber. The boy lay here quietly, day after day, silent, unmoving, it was too different from the bouncing Naruto in Sasuke's memory. Here Naruto looked too small, the bed too big, the white sheets and hospital gown enveloping his small body. But the most radical difference was his once glowing skin and hair. Now his tan skin was paler than Sasuke's, the tan faded from lack of the sun and sickness, his once golden hair now bland in color. Sasuke told himself that he didn't want to, but he had a sick longing to see the color of Naruto's electric blue eyes. It was the masochism that kept him coming back, no matter how much it hurt to see the fading boy this way, no matter the nightmares it granted him, he always came back, the pain was slowly killing him, but it was also keeping him alive. The door suddenly opened to reveal a nurse, trying to be quiet so not to disturb the dark boy she checked over the machines and ensured all the needles were in place. She wrote the same words on the clipboard hanging on the end of the hospital bed, 'No change.' Carefully she set the clipboard back down and walked to the door. She paused as she opened the door and turned back to the boy, opening her mouth to say comforting words. Sasuke lifted his head and turned to the nurse, his eyes flashing with hatred, and she retreated back to the outside world. Sasuke flickered between emotionless and hate, they were the only two emotions he ever shoed tot the other people now. If they was any softness in his gaze it was lost to the world, but when the world wasn't looking, when everyone turned their backs to his bitter words and hateful looks, his face softened. And the only time this happened was when Sasuke sat, basking n the ethereal glow of the monitor that kept track of Naruto's waning life. It was in that room, when Sasuke was alone with the comatose boy, that his eyes softened and anguish of most brutal kind washed over his usually bitter face. Ti had always been Naruto to push him to uncharacteristic emotions. That was what love did to him. But it was because of that love and because of the pain that Sasuke teetered on the edge of insanity, on the brink of living in the past. Because the past was brighter than this present, it was easier to think of a smiling, laughing, clumsy Naruto rather than this hollow shell that lay before him. It was easier to look at the memories than to look to the empty future. But you can never really look back. All of Sasuke's memories of Naruto were becoming clouded by the depression of knowing it wasn't really real, that he would never see that smile again. Part of him knew that Naruto would never wake up, his brain had shut down, he was gone. But the corpse cold hand that Sasuke held so delicately in his own was warmer than his burnt out hope, and the dull glow of the cursed was brighter than his pitch black depression. And his burnt out hope had just enough room for the small prayer that Naruto could hear him. He contradicted himself, he knew that the doctors were probably right and that Naruto would probably would never wake up, but the lingering person left of who he had been when the blonde was around told him to hope, that hope was all he had left. Hope for Naruto to wake up, top be alright, to believe that if he didn't give up hope , Naruto would come back, believe that he could hear his voice through the darkness, and forgave him.

"Tomorrow's September 1st, school starts…" Sasuke started, his voice from little use. He only spoke when asked directly, and even then he wouldn't always respond, not anymore. He only talked to Naruto, that's how it had always been, he used to talk to Itachi, but there was no reason to anymore. Naruto had been the one to get him to talk to other people, to his brother. 'Your too distant Sasuke! Talk more.' the blonde had said laughing at the raven stolic nature. "It doesn't really matter if its summer or school to me, but with school that means I can only come after its over, at three. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it…" he sighed and reached up to Naruto's ghostly face and tucked a strand of spiky dark blonde hair behind his ear. "I miss you. I don't know hat I'm supposed to do without you…" Sasuke trailed off. He really didn't know what he would do, how he would be able to survive through the day.

Six months, sixteen days since it had happened, since the last day they had spent together, since Sasuke had smiled. The youngest Uchiha had never really been happy, his dark past filled with blood, death and tragedy wouldn't allow him to be truly carefree or happy. But with Naruto he had felt lighter, maybe now that he thought about the absence he had felt for the last long months, maybe it was happiness he had felt. What he knew was that he had loved Naruto, he still did. And no matter what eh felt for the blonde boy, or whatever Naruto felt for him, the absence of what they had shared had ruined Sasuke. And with ruination came hatred, a hatred for Naruto being taken away, ripped from his grasp. Hate for the short five months they had spent together. And the all the pain that Sasuke felt had manifested itself into hatred also, because it did not want to appear weak. So instead of showing his pain, instead of wearing his heart on his sleeve, he allowed the sadness and the pain, the loneliness and emptiness to morph into a twisted hate toward other people, toward everyone. He blamed them, because he couldn't handle taking the blame himself, and would never blame Naruto. All Naruto had done was love him and show him how to smile, how could hate someone for that even if they did forsake you. Anyways, he would rather hate them than hate himself. He was selfish, he knew this because of the sad fact that when he thought about it too long, he couldn't tell if it was Naruto he missed so much, or the feeling of being unconditionally loved. Sasuke wanted so badly to go back to how it had been before…but you can never really so back…

Sasuke jerked his head up as the sound of the door opening penetrated the usual monotonous sounds of the room. Itachi stood in the doorway, his black eyes resting in the emancipated body of Naruto. Eh turned his gaze to Sasuke and waited, as if asking for permission to enter the room. Sasuke just glared at him with dead eyes and turned back to Naruto. He ran his pale hand down the scarred cheek of the blonde boy. Itachi took the cold silence as permission to enter and he walked in, closing the door behind him gently. Walking softly he ventured to the opposite side of the hospital bed from his little brother. He pulled the other chair up and seated himself on the other side of the comatose boy. It was intentionally the same pattern they sat in at the kitchen table every morning and evening, Itachi realized.

"Sasuke are you ready fro school tomorrow?" Itachi never would have dared to ask this question in normal circumstances, but here, beside Naruto, Sasuke was at his most stable state of mind.

"Uh-huh." the younger boy forced out in a bored tone, Itachi could tell eh didn't want to talk about the first day of school. But he had to ask his little brother something,

"Will you be alright without Naruto around?" Itachi asked, cruel, he knew, but he needed Sasuke to answer. Sasuke's face seemed to crack under the mask of hatred and shining through the thin cracks were what appeared to be tears. But, it seemed it was only in Itachi's imagination, because once he had blinked there was no softness in Sasuke's black gaze, only the bitterness of someone much older.

"Everything was better when Naruto was around." Sasuke's gentle voice clashed violently with his cold expression, "I was much better when Naruto was around." the raven seemed to forget that he was not supposed to drop his ill tempered manner because his face fell and his shoulders sagged with the weight of the next words. "I was never lonely…I didn't hate anyone back then." But then his eyes steeled over and his voice became harsh once again, "What do you want from me Itachi?" he demanded. His older brother just stared back at his hate twisted expression with a blank look, all the time wondering why things had turned out this way. Minutes ticked by as the brother's stared at each other, but neither's gaze revealed a thing. Itachi finally sighed in defeat and Sasuke turned his gaze back to the motionless figure lying on the bed. Itachi checked his watch, eight forty five.

"Sasuke, it's time to go home, you have a big day tomorrow." he said standing up and placing the chair back against the shadowed wall. Sasuke looked like he was going to refuse to go, but instead he fixed Naruto's messy hair again as he bent down to place a light kiss on the boy's pallid cheek. He fixed the covers, and Itachi watched sadly from the doorway where he was waiting for his little brother to finish his ritual. It was like he was tucking the boy in for bed, so that he was comfortable in his sleep. The youngest Uchiha finished and whispered a soft goodbye and a promise to see Naruto the next day, and the two Uchiha's left the room. The hallway was as dark as ever, but as they neared the doors the leave the ICU, more and more light would trickle in, like you were returning to the land of the living, like you were leaving hell behind. Sasuke said nothing, just like always, as they drove home. Itachi tapped his finger against the steering wheel, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say without pushing his brother further away from him than he already was.

"Sasuke.." Itachi began but was stopped by Sasuke's icy glare turning on him.

"What?" he sneered the distaste all to obvious in his tone.

"…nothing." Itachi said as they pulled into the driveway and he shut off the car. Eh turned to his brother just in time to catch another sneer before Sasuke turned his back and slammed the car door. Itachi sat in the empty car in dead silence. He let his head fall heavily onto the steering wheel. It was tempting to beat his head against the car wheel, but he didn't. instead he sighed and rubbed his eyes, his apprehension over Sasuke's predicament showed through in his exhaustion. Though the bruises under his eyes were nothing compared to the one's below his little brother's. But Itachi would gladly take the pain Sasuke felt and bear it so that his little brother could he the person he had been all those months ago. But Sasuke could never allow anyone else to see his pain, at least not intentionally, and let alone bear it. Anyways, Itachi knew that there was no way Sasuke would ever return to how he had before, that boy was dead now. He had died alongside Naruto, shoved into an eternal sleep and had less of a chance of coming back than Naruto did of waking up, improbable…and impossible. Both boys were lost now, and Itachi missed them both very much. Sighing once again he pulled the keys out of the car, shut the door and walked into the house. The first thing to hit the eldest Uchiha every single time he walked through the front door was the emptiness of the house. Of course, since it was a mansion, it would seem quite empty no matter what, even when their family was alive. But now, without the loud blonde's presence it seemed as hollow as Sasuke. Who knew that the young boy would come to mean so much to both Sasuke and himself. Sitting down at the table the same question from earlier came back to mind.

'Why had things come to be this way?'

Two floors away from his sad older brother, Sasuke sat on the cold, tiled bathroom floor, staring at what lay beside the picture of he and Naruto. And as he turned the precious photo over, face down, so that it wouldn't have to see him commit his sin, and as he picked up the cold piece of metal, he wondered how things had come to be this way?

'How had things come to be this way…'

A/N: well that's chapter one, I'm gonna need some input people if you want me to keep going. Come on, I know you can leave a review it not that hard

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