Title: Remember When It Rained, Interlude to All Matter of Thing Shall Be Well
Author: Trekbones
Rating: T
Warnings: Death fic, of a sort. While a character is dead in this piece, in the larger piece this is a part of, no characters really die. Mention of potential suicide.
Spoilers: Phantoms, Home, any mention of Sheppard's past, Siege part 3, The Hive, Lost Boys
Author's Note: Part of a larger piece of work but hearing the song "Remember When it Rained" by Josh Groban inspired this put shot. While it doesn't make sense here, it does within the context of the whole work, which I really need to finish. There's a lot more going on than I have revealed here. I just really wanted to write a piece dealing with John and the possible loss of Rodney. In overdrive.
Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis does not belong to me. All mistakes are mine. Sorry this isn't very good.
Break
He was…gone. Just gone. His unmoving corpse he held in his hands, hugged him to his body. He couldn't fathom it. Dead. Gone forever all because he hadn't gotten there in time. He had made a promise and he failed to keep it. Rodney McKay was dead because he had failed to rescue him in time.
John held that cold body close, hugging him, hoping however pathetically that he could somehow put life back into that body. Rodney McKay wasn't meant to be so still, so quiet. So dead.
A sob tore from his throat. He tried to stop the next but why bother. Then another and another till his body hurt from lack of oxygen. John buried his face in Rodney's chest, trying to silence his tears, to be close to his friend, to gain some sort of comfort. His whole body shook from sobs he tried to keep quiet so that Rodney wouldn't hear. He paused, angry at himself. He failed, dammit. Sorry, Rodney. So damn sorry. He held Rodney close, afraid to let go, afraid that it would truly make this nightmare real and Rodney would be dead and it would be All. His. Fault.
Tears streamed down John's face falling on the broken and bloodied body. What had they done to him? Why torture him so? Why torture him so, leaving only this body, taunting him with finding Rodney alive and well, okay maybe a little bruised and complaining about the lack of amenities but alive. Not this dead husk. Dammit, he swiped at his eyes, he was gone. Rodney McKay was gone. His best friend in two galaxies was gone.
Anger at the universe, at Rodney for being dead, at anything and everyone who had ever left him, who had died, who had hurt team. He raged, screamed till he was hoarse. Why Rodney? Why? Why couldn't you hang on just a little longer? Why didn't you hold out? He raged at himself even worse. I failed you Rodney. I screwed up. I didn't keep my word. I'm sorry. God, I am so sorry.
He had no more tears left. He shut himself off. Nothing to live for except finding out who did this. But they were dead. He had already killed them before he found Rodney. So who was left? Who else had hurt Rodney? The pain of loss roared to life again. It clawed and burned. He cried with no tears. He. He was left. He had hurt Rodney. He had failed him. Failed him as team leader. Failed him as a friend.
Why did he keep doing that? First Holland, then Mitch and Dex. Then Ford, the poor kid. He was just a royal screw up. He got everyone killed. He didn't have the Midas touch turning things to gold. He had the get everyone killed touch especially friends. What a useless and fatal touch. Way to go John. He should have died a long time ago then he would not have hurt all his friends. Maybe he should have never made friends. Making friends only gets you hurt, causes you pain. What's the point in having friends if all they do is die and cause you inordinate amounts of pain.
He cradled McKay close to chest. He was careful, not wanting to hurt him, holding him as a parent would hold a sleeping child. He rose, carrying McKay outside. There was no way home, no place to go. He would bury McKay here even though that was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted to bury him on Earth or even Lantea but that wasn't possible. This world had no gate and he had no way of leaving. Burying him here was the only option.
He found a spot near a large tree. He had found a shovel or what passed for a shovel on this world. He laid Rodney by the tree and started digging in between two large roots that rose above ground. He wasn't sure how deep or far he needed to dig so he dug to he felt it was ready. He stood back, ready to place Rodney in the grave.
Oh, God, this was real. He was really dead. He couldn't do it. He couldn't bury his best friend like this. He would be burying the last person in this forsaken world. The only person he had any connection to, any relationship with. And he was dead, gone forever. And once he place Rodney in that grave it would just be him alone till he died. Alone forever. Alone with the guilt of his failure. Alone with his knowledge that he had killed Rodney McKay, his best friend. Alone forever. No one was coming to find him. He had been abandoned first by the others and now by Rodney with his death. He was all alone as punishment for his sins. He didn't deserve to live. Not even alone.
He took a deep breath, took hold of Rodney's body, and placed him as carefully as he could in the grave. Then he started to shovel dirt into the grave, covering the body. He paused. One grave could hold two people as well as one person, couldn't it? And what was the point of living if he was going to be all alone on this god-forsaken world? He put the shovel down. Two bodies instead of one. Together for all eternity instead of alone. Friends forever, in life and in death. No more pain.
He stood with his heels on the edge of the grave and his back to the tree. The grave was big enough and there was plenty of room for him beside Rodney. Together forever. He felt at peace. No more guilt. No more pain. This was better. He couldn't hurt anybody anymore. He took his 9mil out of his thigh holster, placed it to his head, put his finger on the trigger, and pulled the trigger…