**DISCLAIMER** Steven Universe and Characters belong to Rebecca Sugar
AN: Set after Alone at Sea and before Beta. More Notes at the bottom~
Lapis' face was illuminated by white light from the primitive audio visual display box Steven called the 'Television'. She was slouching slightly, with her cheek resting on her left knuckle and her other hand lying limp over her lap. Her knees were drawn up on the couch, the fabric of her skirt ruffled about her legs.
She had her usual bored expression, her mouth a flat line and her eyelids heavy. Peridot had been intimidated by the blue gem's moodiness but she had since become accustomed to Lapis' despondent attitude.
Climbing up the back of the Ute they had somehow go to crash through the top of the barn, Peridot walked over to the sagging couch and threw herself beside Lapis Lazuli. For her part, Lapis didn't take her eyes of the screen, merely shuffling a little to give the small gem more space.
"What season are you watching," Peridot asked trying to figure it out herself from the events on screen.
"Season two, episode four," Lapis said casually.
"Urgh," Peridot snorted, "Pierre doesn't start talking to Percy until episode seven."
"Hmmm," Lapis' cheeks pinched, "I don't know why you like Pierre so much."
Peridot threw her arms out, "What isn't there to like about Pierre? Pierre is strong, capable and triumphs against all the other campers in every competition-"
"What about in episode ten when Paulette-"
"Pfft!" Peridot waved her hand, "That was a fluke. There is no logical way Paulette could have won if it was a real race. Not to mention Pierre always supports Percy even when Percy said Pierre didn't belong in the camp. So he's not only physically capable, he is level headed and loyal. And don't forget the clover joke," Peridot chuckled through snorts before shrugging, "Pierre is simply the superior camper."
Lapis smiled softly, "I guess if you put it that way…"
Peridot folded her arms, settling back on the couch with a smug smile, "Trust me, after you've watched a few more episodes you'll appreciate how strong Pierre is and then maybe we can make a meep morp about Percy and Pierre!"
Lapis chuckled under her breath, "Maybe."
Silence fell between them as they both focused on the happenings in the show.
Lapis twisted a bit of her skirt in her hand, the corner of her mouth pinching.
"Hey. Peridot…"
"Yes Lapis?" Peridot said, not taking her eyes off the screen.
"What do you think of the crystal gems?"
Peridot's mouth pressed together in consideration before she asked in a cautious tone, "Like in general or as individuals?"
"As-"
"Because in general," Peridot went on, "I'm conflicted. I mean sure, I slandered Yellow Diamond right to her face," she let out a short manic laughter, "But that doesn't mean I no longer care about Homeworld. I just realised that Yellow Diamond wasn't to the standard I regarded her as- Not that I'M in position to judge but she did lack the kind of objectivity I thought she possessed when it came to making decisions regarding the Earth. So I do understand why the Crystal Gems felt they had to defend this planet from us. And it does offer sustainable resources unique to this world's existing ecosystem so I suppose-"
"I meant as individuals," Lapis deadpanned.
"Oh," Peridot blushed. Scratching her face, she mumbled, "Of course you did."
There was an awkward pause, punctuated by the melodramatic declarations on the TV screen.
Clearing her throat Peridot said, "Ah well I mean. At first I thought Pearl was ridiculously insubordinate. I mean a Pearl technician?" Holding her stomach, she bellowed, "What were they thinking?" she laughed but Lapis only stared.
"Ahem," Peridot coughed into her fist, "But I have to admit it's pretty admirable for her to have learnt those skills despite her gems obvious limitations. And she really tries."
Lapis' expression was dark, "When she found me she didn't even try to find out who I was. She didn't care that I used to be someone. None of them did"
Peridot pursed her lips, cheeks inflated slightly as she tried to come up with something that would ease the sudden tension.
"Whatever. What about Garnet?" Lapis asked.
Relaxing Peridot snorted again, holding back laughter, "Where do I begin? With the blue gem or the red gem?" Peridot slapped her face falling back on the sofa with laughter.
Lapis sighed swinging her legs off the couch onto the wooden boards. She continued to rest her head on palm, her expression tirelessly bored.
"No I kid. But gee it took me a while to get used to that," she said honestly, "I mean fused all the time? For what? Just to be? I mean I get it but I don't get it. You know?"
Standing up Lapis hugged herself, "Yeah. You don't have to tell me."
"Ah sorry Lapis. I didn't mean-" Peridot looked away guiltily, scrunching her face.
Lapis smiled softly, watching her, "It's fine. I know you didn't mean it that way. And if anyone gets it, it's me who would." She laughed, but no one could mistake the noise as anything but fake.
"It was different for you- You didn't want to-"
Lapis stopped her with a hand gesture then said, "What do you think about Amethyst."
Obvious relief crossed Peridot's face at the change of subject. Then her eyes seemed to shine as she began to hurriedly say, "Ames? Big A? Well she's just- Just-" Peridot bent into herself her lips quivering. As though she was releasing a breath she finished, "So cool."
She collapsed back on the couch.
Peridot covered her face with one hand and Lapis turned slightly to look at her face. Noticing the faint darkness of her cheeks, Lapis smiled at her.
"Really?" she said in a teasing voice, "She's just cool?"
Peridot sat up suddenly, "No! She's not just cool!" Peridot began listing Amethyst's qualities while tapping each finger in turn, "She's funny, strong, a good conversationalist and she's super chill. Not to mention she's so unique!" Peridot exclaimed, "At first I thought it was a huge shame that she gestated for so long but now…" a tender smile tickled the corners of her mouth.
"It's who she is. If Amethyst wasn't, for lack of a better word, 'defective' she wouldn't be as special as I- as she is," her blush deepened. Clearing her throat Peridot added, "She's unlike any quartz soldier I've ever met."
Lapis nodded considering her words. Then in a bitter tone she said, "Unlike Jasper?"
Peridot physically baulked, falling off the end of the sofa. Standing up frantically she shook her hands in front of her.
"No! That's not what I meant. Well I mean Amethyst is as different from her as they come but-"
"You can say her name you know," Lapis said.
Peridot gulped, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
The confession surprised Lapis but she recovered quickly.
Sitting down on the tattered couch she drew her knees to her chest.
Peridot sat beside her awkwardly, one hand holding her bicep. An awkward silence fell between them.
Then Peridot, clearing her throat, said in a weak voice, "We don't have to talk about her."
"I want to," Lapis murmured.
"You do?" Peridot spluttered, "Good! I mean not good, but argh." Peridot stood up tugging the hair on either side of her head.
Lapis chuckled sliding her feet back on the floor so she could slouch. "If you don't want me to talk to you about it-"
"No!" Peridot said in a heartbeat, quickly jumping back onto the couch beside her.
Taking her hand, she met Lapis' tired gaze with an earnest expression, "It isn't about what I want. If you need to talk about it… I'm here for you."
Lapis looked aside at her before looking away, a small smile tickling her mouth. Then frowning, she pursed her lips.
"I don't know where to begin."
Peridot tapped a finger against her lips in thought. Then looking aside, she mumbled, "Well Steven told me Jasper found you guys on that boat. Maybe you could start there."
"Is that all he told you," Lapis asked in a terse voice.
Bumping her index fingers together, Peridot added, "He said, she asked you to form Malachite again."
Lapis hugged herself and shuddered, "She did."
Turning her body to face Lapis, Peridot put a hand on her shoulder, "But you said no. You're not Malachite! You're here and you're safe!"
Lapis shook her head and shrugged Peridot off, crossing her arms over her chest.
"You said no," Peridot repeated.
"I almost said yes," Lapis whispered.
When Peridot didn't say anything, Lapis stood up and went back to pacing the end of the Ute, wringing her hands nervously.
"If Steven wasn't there I think I might have," She confessed, "Part of me was glad she wanted to fuse again, even though I know what we had was wrong. I couldn't help but... I just- I just-"
As she spoke Peridot fought the strong urge to shout at her. Inhaling deeply she said, "Lapis… I- I don't know what to say," a look of turmoil on her face.
"Of course you don't. You must think I'm a monster."
"No! How could I think that?" Peridot running a hand through her hair, trying to choose her words wisely.
"How could you not? I am a monster," Lapis stopped, her expression stricken. "I liked it. I liked being Malachite, just as much as I hated it!
"Being able to take out all my rage on someone? On her," she trembled, "Every second of every minute I could feel her struggling against me. I could feel her anguish as nothing she did made a difference. Some days I would even let her think she was free! Just for a moment I'd let her try to swim for surface, just to push her down again. If I was feeling particularly bad, I'd even let her break out of our prison. I'd let her taste the ocean air, spread our wings before I'd drag her down again."
Peridot shrunk back from Lapis' twisted expression. The blue gem stood upright with her fists clenched. Her shoulders were tense as she continued to talk.
"There were days where I'd slowly loosen our restraints until there was nothing holding us back. And then she would do nothing. I'd put all the weight back on us again and she'd realise. Realise that she'd been free the whole time."
Softly, Lapis said, "But it felt better when she was fighting. No matter how horrible I was, she would be ready to fight again in no time."
Peridot had pressed her back against the couch while Lapis was talking, eyes wide in fear. Realising herself, Lapis suddenly turned to see the little green gem cowering from her.
Covering her mouth, a stricken look crossed Lapis face and her knees suddenly lost their strength.
Crouching down, she put her face in her hands and said in a torn voice, "I told you. I'm a monster. You think I'm awful don't you? Just say it!"
"I won't!" Peridot stood up to hover next to the distraught gem. "I think what you did was awful," she admitted, "But you were in a really bad place. Anyone might have done what you did…"
"It's not just that. It's the things I did before that too. None of you know the horrible things I'm capable of. You-"
"Because those things don't matter – I mean, they do but," Peridot sighed, crouching next to Lapis. "You're right. We don't know what you've done and some of the things we do know… well they're not good. But you know what," Peridot looked up at the stars, "We've all done horrible things. And yeah you feel bad and sometimes you hate yourself, but what matters is that spend every day trying to make up for the last. And knowing what you did was wrong," she smiled a small smile, "Is the first step at doing something right."
Lapis looked up at her with wide eyes. Slanting her eyes in a tender look she buried her face in her knees.
"You've changed a lot from when I first met you," Lapis said.
Peridot continued to smile softly, "Well you can thank Steven for that."
"He's a great kid," Lapis agreed.
After a short pause, the blue gem frowned.
"That's another thing," Lapis said in a wary tone.
"What?" Peridot asked.
"I…" she hesitated biting her lip, "I can't help think that… Jasper can change."
"Lapis..."
"No! Hear me out," Lapis exclaimed, suddenly turning to Peridot, "You said so yourself. You and I were bad- just as bad as her! And look at us now! You're a crystal gem, I'm… here. We've changed, we became better. Maybe-"
"Because we realised how we were wrong, Jasper's never going to-" Peridot began.
"You don't know that, if I could just get through to her-"
Peridot pinched her brow in frustration
"Lapis! Jasper is the most bull-headed, stubborn-"
"You don't know her like I do!" Lapis' shout scattered across the open fields, seeming to make the whole world freeze. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand, trying to hold back a choked sob.
When the world finally started to breathe again, she spoke quietly.
"I don't know her very well either. But as Malachite… I got glimpses of her. Who she is, how she feels.
"Peridot…" she exhaled, "She's so alone. She has no one. No one to tell her it's okay – no one to tell her it's okay to mess up!" she added quickly looking at Peridot with meaning, "I spent thousands of years trapped by myself and it was horrible, but even then. At least I was alone by myself. She's alone even when she's surrounded by people."
Lapis paused, "She just needs someone."
"But that someone can't be you," Peridot said in a remorseful tone.
Lapis froze. Hugging herself she looked at Peridot helplessly. The green gem sighed and pinched her brow again.
"I get it. I didn't think I could, but I get it," she held her mouth shut for moment before putting it down and continuing, "But you can't change her.
"You and her… What you had was unhealthy, and while she's still like that… it's just too risky that the same things wouldn't happen again. IF she does change, it has to because she decided herself, not because of you."
Lapis swallowed, "I know, it's stupid…"
Peridot bit her cheek, "Well it's not not stupid," she admitted.
"Hey!" Lapis punched her in the shoulder.
"I kid," Peridot snorted but in a more serious tone she added, "But please, you can't go after her thinking you can fix her. That's something Steven can do, maybe, but it's not your problem."
"I know…" Lapis said solemnly.
"Lapis…"
"Yeah yeah," the blue gem replied with a reassuring smile.
Peridot watched her intently until she was sure that Lapis was okay and she smiled to herself as all the worry lines on Lapis' face faded away, replaced by a peaceful expression.
"Thank you Peridot," Lapis said after a small while.
"Anytime Lazuli. I got your number~" Peridot said pointing finger guns at her.
They sat in contented silence. Peridot fidgeting with the ends of her hair, while Lapis stared out in the grassy fields.
The stars were becoming faint as the morning sun rose from the horizon, tinting the fields with the brushstrokes of gold.
Lapis eyes were wide in awe, "It's moments like these," she told Peridot, "That I realise how wonderful the Earth can be."
"It's amazing isn't it," Peridot said.
Lapis nodded.
Then with a sly look she said, "So Amethyst huh?"
Peridot cheeks immediately inflamed. In a cautious voice she responded, "What about her?"
"Oh nothing. Just wondering if you've thought of fusing with her?" Lapis asked in a teasing tone.
Falling over herself, Peridot yelped, waving her hands above her head, "Why would you suggest such a thing?" in an agonised voice, she added, "Oh stars, now I'm thinking about it."
Lapis laughed and tousled the smaller gems hair.
"Come on, why don't we go make another meep morp?"
"What about?" Peridot asked, quick to take the distraction offered to her.
"Hmmm," Lapis pursed her lips. "I'm not sure, maybe something about… change?"
Peridot stared at her blankly for several seconds causing Lapis to blush and stammer.
"Yeah, right it's a stupid idea. We should just do the Pierre one-"
"No." Peridot hushed her with an enraptured voice and Lapis realised her silence wasn't disapproval.
Holding her chin, Peridot paced around with a thoughtful look.
"Yes, another collaborative piece in response to how our experiences on Earth have changed us. We could include all the crystal gems, we could-" Peridot gasped, "Lapis I just got a brilliant idea. Quickly to the barn!" she yelled dramatically, finger pointed skywards.
AN: This was really fun to write, I don't really like Lapis that much but boy is she a whirl to write. Peridot is also fun and I hope I've caught a few of her character ticks, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.
I wanted to explore the darker side of Lapis and how she might be feeling after such an awful fusion, while also showing the Barnyard Gems being supportive of each other. So all that made these, and I'm mostly happy with it.
I hope you enjoyed it to and if you did reviews are always appreciated or even just a message on your thoughts of the show, and as always thanks to Anonymous-Nerdling (DeviantArt) for doing the proof read!