Deidara has been assigned a mission that involves intercepting a rapist: specifically the man who raped him. Soon after, Itachi joins the picture – but how will the bomber respond?

Chapter 1

As was routine for the Akatsuki, a handful of members had gathered for what they had hoped would be a 'swift' exchange of greetings (of sort) and food to hands before charging to their rooms to avoid unnecessary contact with those they did not like: primarily Tobi. Yet 'they' once again found themselves confined at the kitchen table with Pein insisting they bonded a little for teamwork.

Of course this….didn't always produce the desired results.

"I wish Sasori was here, un," Deidara stated, shooting a glare at Itachi, "that way I can have a decent conversation about art with someone worthy…..rather than with a bunch of market salesmen."

And that did it.

The Uchiha not included, an uproar of released frustration emerged the second every member dropped their cutlery to signify the beginning of war. Heck, even Kakazu was in the mix in the hope of removing their corpses and collecting the bounty.

"YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" Hidan spat, hands around the blonde's throat. "YOU KNOW VERY WELL JASHIN FORBADE ME FROM WORKING ON A SUNDAY! I DON'T EVEN WORK IN THE MARKET, THE PEOPLE AREN'T WORTH KILLING!"

Tears of sheer joy escaped Deidara's eyes as Tobi, like he expected, threw himself upon Hidan in attempt to remove him from his beloved senpai.

The masked maniac noticed Deidara's hands worming their way underneath his own cloak. "DEIDARA! DON'T MAKE US EXPLODE - PLEASE!"

As quickly as it had begun, the bomber disappeared into a puff of smoke and the original Deidara walked into the room, pissed that Itachi hadn't bothered to interfere since he had obviously seen through the 'attack'. Hell, he'd been using an on-going clone for a whole month to throw the bastard off the scent and he still knew?

Regardless, he didn't prevent a smirk from gracing his features after laying eyes upon the flushed cheeks of two Akatsuki who were desperately trying to cover the spreading dampness between their legs.

"What's going on?"

A pair of Rinnegan eyes carrying with them the shadow of their leader met the eyes of several shit-scared akatsuki.

"Well…it would seem Deidara made Tobi and Hidan wet themselves….Tobi because he's an idiot….and Hidan…..because he's scared as hell of having to rebuild his body limb by limb." Kisame sneered, clearly enjoying the outcome of events.

"Deidara, I expected you to make an effort and get along."
"Hmmph! Yeah well let's just say I'm not getting along with anybody until I finished what I started," the blonde said, "I think Itachi should be next."

"….are you sure that's a good idea?" the Uchiha said, sitting calmly with an arm casually resting against the outside of his cloak.

"You're kidding me, right? You beat me once and think you can do it AGAIN? HMMPH!"

Mouthed palms licked their lips as they awaited their master's command to chew the clay they had been thirsting for. But there was a problem.

His clay pouches were missing.

"What…?" the bomber's eyes widened as he searched the folds within his cloak.

Itachi placed one of Deidara's pouches onto the wooden table. "Is this what you're looking for?"

"You…." Deidara seethed, a bead of sweat rolling down his temple, "how did you-"

"The real pouches are in your room, these are just the decoys."

"THE DECOYS?"

"The ones Itachi and I filled with shampoo." Kisame cut in, eyes gleaming while standing next to a smirking Itachi.

"That was genjutsu number two."

Deidara stood there, dumbfounded.

I could have sworn I smelt Itachi's cherry shampoo but I assumed it was just that damn Uchiha getting to my head….wait…

"SO I'VE BEEN USING SHAMPOO INSTEAD OF CLAY FOR A WHOLE MONTH?"

Kisame's grin widened further.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED DURING ALL MY MISSIONS? I WON, DIDN'T I, HMMM?"

"Deidara senpai, we had to interfere with your missions because you kept losing! I tried to warn you but the genjutsu stopped you from understanding me!"

Before he could humiliate himself even more, Deidara walked to the kitchen doorway, pausing to mutter something that seemed incoherent to everyone but Itachi about remodelling his clay mines.

"HE'S WIDE OPEN!" Hidan yelled, "GET HIM!"

And poor Deidara began sprinting.

It was not long after that Pein summoned Deidara to assign him his mission. It seemed a couple of hours' worth of synchronised attacks and strategicly-chosen jutsu had quietened the blonde down enough for one to assume his temperament would be more...passive.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to intercept a ninja travelling to the Hidden Leaf from Iwagakure – a rogue ninja, someone you may know."

"You want me to 'reconnect ties', hmmph. What's the name?"

"Kiyoko Saki."

A trident of fear pierced the inside of Deidara's gut; he responded a few seconds later.

"Fine by me, un. I'll make sure the man doesn't make it out alive….hmmph."

Pein examined the bomber cautiously so as to not arouse concern of distrust.

He was tense….so tense that he forgot I was present. The man regained composure but couldn't restrain himself from gritting his teeth. Deidara obviously knows this one.

"Your response is sufficient. I want you to head out at dawn."

"Hmmph."

"Kisame, Itachi – the route you plan on taking passes through the forest district 3 miles prior to Iwagakure. Provide Deidara with back-up if necessary."