Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Slayers or any other literature/anime I may or may not reference now or in the future.
I do not profit in a monetary sense from writing fan fiction
Thank you for your kindness and tolerance.
Author's Note to the Curious Reader: This story is inspired by what I remember of James Thurber's story 'The Secret Life of Walter Middy'… but since the last time I read that story was several years ago while someone else was reading something else aloud, I don't remember very much.
I apologize ahead of time for the severe out-of-character behavior that many of these Mazoku suffer through.
……
The Secret Life of Dynast Grausherra
……
Silence covered the semi-centennial gathering like chocolate covers peanut butter in a Reese's cup: almost completely.
Sure there were small noises; like Lord Ruby Eyes tapping his fingers on the tabletop, like Phibrizzo squirming in his chair, like Gaav flipping through the pages of a magazine with questionable sources, like Zelas sipping her wine, or like Dolphin gouging slices of wood out of the armrest of her chair. But no one spoke; no one had any idea how to start a conversation. None of the Mazoku really wanted a conversation.
Lord Ruby Eyes wanted nothing more than for it to be Super Bowl Sunday already. Phibrizzo didn't want to act like a fool in front of his peers. Gaav was too engrossed in an article about a "two-headed, alien-bovine-hybrid hooker" to notice anything around him. Zelas wanted to get back to Wolf Pack Island and challenge Xelloss to a 'Dance Dance Revolution' rematch. Dolphin wanted to listen to the soothing sounds of whale song on her new iPod. Dynast wanted nothing more than to remember what his general had asked him to pick up at the grocery store.
Sherra had asked for several things. Dynast knew what she had asked for, but the knowledge was not immediately accessible. There was something, there was something…
Shabranigdo broke the silence by clearing his throat with a cough. Well, he didn't really have a throat that needed clearing; he just had a silence that needed to be broken.
"So" The Dark Lord began. Phibrizzo looked up immediately and Dolphin and Zelas turned their attentions to their master. Gaav looked up hastily after Phibrizzo executed a sharp kick to the larger Mazoku's shin. Dynast's pale blue eyes were unreadable.
"So, we're here to talk about the War that's going on," Lord Ruby Eyes said. "Anything to report?" His red eyes scanned the group.
"Water Dragon King challenged me to an eating contest in an attempt to settle things peacefully," Gaav volunteered, "I think she's rejected that course of action after I poured several gallons of Coca Cola in that freaky afro of hers."
"Sweet," Shabranigdo remarked.
"My dear little Xelloss eliminated an entire battalion of dragons yesterday and he still had time to pick up my favorite brand of cigarettes." Zelas announced, her wild-cat eyes searching Dolphin for signs of jealousy.
Shabranigdo nodded, oblivious to the sibling rivalry before him. "Your Lesser Beast certainly is becoming an annoyance for the Crimson Dragon King..."
The Crimson Dragon: probably the best restaurant in the slum district of Seyruun, until you look at the food. The owner, Chang, is a chubby, blind cook with a penchant for using the stray animals of the city in his creations. The customers are all foreign, and most of them live in Seyruun in secret.
Dynast strolled calmly into the Crimson Dragon and all of Chang's customers bowed before him. They all owed Dynast their loyalty; he was the one who had smuggled them into the kingdom of Seyruun at some point or another. He was the one who brought them memories from their homeland. He was a god in their eyes.
Dynast the smuggler sat at his usual table and waited for Chang to come over. The pudgy owner shuffled over, his empty eyes gazing over Dynast's head.
"What can I get for you, Esteemed One?" The blind cook asked with a heavy accent.
"Get me a special, and make it fast and fresh." Dynast replied smoothly, "I just delivered some new people and I have a date with my lady in two hours." The smuggler placed a large bag of gold on the table with an audible clunk.
"Very well," Chang replied before retreating into his kitchen.
A few minutes later, odd noises emanated from the kitchen followed by a loud crack and silence. For the next few minutes, the only noise from the kitchen was the sound of sizzling oil.
Chang waddled out of his kitchen with a large plate. The plate was placed before Dynast, who poked the unknown object with a single chopstick.
"Just what is this?" Dynast inquired, "It smells wonderful but it looks like it escaped from the city sewer."
"I call it 'Chow Mein Inu-Yasha'," Chang replied stiffly, "It is demonically spicy, and so I will give you some tea to go with your meal."
"'Chow Mein Inu-Yasha'?" Dynast repeated, "So I'm eating a puppy?"
"Yes, Esteemed One. As you say, it is Chow Mein Puppy." Chang nodded.
"Puppy chow…" Dynast muttered aloud. Yes, Sherra had asked him to buy puppy chow. Apparently Grau and Grou had acquired a taste for the stuff.
Gaav shot Dynast an odd look before returning to an article titled "Lesser Demons Defeated by Superglue Wielding Toddler".
"Puppy chow?" Zelas echoed. "Well, it is an interesting idea… but my pets prefer the term 'wolf' rather than 'puppy'."
"I think it's a brilliant plan." Phibrizzo piped in. "Unless someone has a better idea for how to dispose of all of the Golden Dragon carcasses, I vote that we feed them to Zelas' wolves."
"Grand." Lord Ruby Eyes grunted, "Thanks for the plan, Grausherra."
Dynast nodded, unsure of what his master was thanking him for. Now, what else did Sherra want…?
"Now, does anyone have any ideas on how to cause a rift between Cepheid's Dragon Kings?" Shabranigdo asked.
"Maybe Zelas could seduce one of them," Dolphin suggested, "Or maybe Zelas' wonderful priest could practice his seduction skills."
"That's a nice thought!" Zelas responded insincerely, "I will admit that Xelloss looks very good in a dress, far better than Dolphin ever will. I guess some people just aren't meant to be beautiful…"
Beautiful, Dynast thought, this day is absolutely beautiful, aside from the heat.
"Are we ready?" Dynast asked Gaav, snuffing his cigarette on the brick wall next to him. The pair stood in the shadows of an alleyway, watching the cars fly down the road separating them from their target. His brother nodded without saying a word and, after wiping his brow, shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Good, we can't mess this up. We can't pay for Phibrizzo's boarding school if we fail, and if he can't be at school then he'll come back here and give us hell. He's a master at giving us hell…" Dynast explained, in case Gaav hadn't understood the first seven times.
"Gotcha." Gaav grunted. The larger man pulled a gun out of his pocket. "You take care of the safe and I'll take care of the hostages."
"Don't make any mistakes," Dynast cautioned, "I'd hate to have you end up in the slammer on a murder rap."
"Hey, chill man! I've got you watching my back, nothing could go wrong!" Gaav grinned. Then his large smirk faltered. "Do I really have to wear this on my head?" Gaav whined, examining the Halloween mask with a pout.
"Yes." Dynast snapped, "There are security cameras in there. I don't want you to get caught." Gaav grumbled.
Dynast shook his dark hair out of his cunning blue eyes and led the way across the street. As the pair entered the bank, they pulled their masks on to obscure their faces.
"HANDS UP! I HAVE A GUN!" Gaav hollered to the entire institution, "Everyone line up against the wall!" The startled people rushed towards the wall obediently. Gaav terrified them, especially since he was wearing a Prince Phil mask.
Dynast walked confidently across the marble floor over to the teller's window.
The bank employee was an exotic looking woman with tan skin and long whitish hair. Her golden eyes looked at Dynast quizzically, even though he had a gun leveled at her head.
"Are you supposed to be Santa?" She asked curiously. "I'll give you the money, but I'd like to know why you're wearing a mask with a beard attached."
"It's Charles Darwin." Dynast replied, taking the suitcase full of money. "You know, he studied animals on some islands."
"Absolutely horrible person," The teller remarked, "I remember reading that he killed most of his specimens." She handed him a diamond encrusted crown. "So why," she continued, "Are you wearing a Charles Darwin mask?"
"Because," Dynast explained, "I need to hide my face while I'm robbing this bank and the mask was on sale for forty-three cents."
"If that's all the reason you have, then you'd be better off wearing a bag!" The woman complained, passing an origami crane made out of a million dollar bill to Dynast. "There's no point in wearing a mask if the mask holds no meaning. If all you're doing is concealing your face, then why don't you wear pantyhose on your head next time?"
"Pantyhose…" Dynast mumbled. That was right; Sherra put oranges in pantyhose and soaked them in water so that she could have citrus baths. An odd idea, but she really liked citrus…
Gaav shot Dynast another odd look. The Devil Dragon King began to say something, shook his crimson mane, and returned to reading an article about the recent sighting of Elvis' ghost in Sairaag.
"Ooh!" Phibrizzo exclaimed, "Pantyhose! That's a great idea Dynast! I can just imagine the look of the Water Dragon King's face when she finds the Fire Dragon King in possession of all her undergarments! That should cause a rift between those two!"
"Great idea again, Grausherra. You're a brilliant tactician." Shabranigdo complimented.
Dynast nodded, once again unsure of what brilliant plan he had developed. There was something else Sherra had asked for…
The others talked for several more hours, but Dynast didn't hear them at all. Shabranigdo called the meeting to an end and dragged Phibrizzo along to play poker with Lei Magnus.
Dynast wandered off, towards a grocery store. The last thing he said before disappearing was: 'Freeze-dried Beef Stroganoff…'
Gaav watched Grausherra leave, puzzled at the last comment.
"Dynast is a genius! Even your little priest can't compare, can he?" Dolphin jabbed at Zelas.
"Oh, Dynast certainly is a genius." Zelas agreed, "But Xelloss is the one who carries out all of the plans."
Gaav looked at his two sisters; perhaps they could offer some insight into Dynast's last remark.
"I know that Dynast is a genius…" Gaav frowned, "But where does 'freeze-dried beef stroganoff' come in?" Zelas and Dolphin looked at the Devil Dragon King, identical expressions of confusion on their faces. "That was the last thing he said, 'freeze-dried beef stroganoff'!" Gaav explained. "And I don't understand…"
"Maybe it's so nasty that it can kill a Golden Dragon with a single bite," Zelas offered.
"You'll have to ask Dynast," Dolphin sighed, "He's the resident genius."
The three nodded in mutual agreement, Dynast certainly was a genius…