You're already lucky in life's lottery: your parents are both educated middle-class white people in the United States of America, in the second half of the 20th century. Your childhood won't be disrupted by war or plague (you're too young to be touched by the great pandemic of the 80s) and by being born in 1981, you ensure you're raised during a series of economic highs. The only risk is if your mother had complications during pregnancy-

[TAKE A DECK OF CARDS, WITH JOKERS INCLUDED. DRAW FIVE CARDS. IF YOU GOT EVERY SINGLE KING AND ONE JOKER, YOU ARE STILLBORN. GO TO 0.

[IF YOU DRAW ONLY CARDS IN THE ROYAL SUITE, YOU ARE BORN WITH A DISABILITY. GO TO 2]

-and if not, you are born Daria Morgendorffer. If you'd been born Darius or Cyrus Morgendorffer, you'd have a 50% chance of living a much better life solely by dint of being a white middle-class man. You'd be beaten up in school as a boy but you'll find it easier to succeed later in life with the intellect you've been genetically gifted.

You'd have a 2% chance that your father will be an abusive man, unable to know how to raise you differently to his own father and taking out his self-loathing on those around you. Try not to think about those odds. Hell, as a girl, you won't.

It's not for me to say if you get lucky again when your mother gets pregnant again while you're a toddler. There's a thousand thousand realities caused by this decision and most are good or bad depending on your point of view. Do you want to be the only child your mother focuses on?

Yeah, that scares you.

You grow up as an intelligent but withdrawn girl saddled with a vivacious, cuter sister. There was a 10% chance you could become less withdrawn during school, but this is the 90% – the vast majority of the 10%'s outcomes here would have been great but they're not for you. You only got four numbers on your card, not all seven. No jackpot. You still have financial security and parents who indulge you with books and the benefit of one of the top tier societies of your day. (Your parents once thought of moving to Sweden, which worked out great for you; they thought of moving to Yugoslavia in one fit of former student righteousness, and I can tell you no world exists where that leaves you alive after 1994.)

You grow up in Highland, Texas. It wasn't so bad when your parents moved there but has increasingly become a bit of a shithole by the late 80s. By the time your parents consider moving to Austin, there's too many roots – you only have a 20% chance of leaving Highland before you are sixteen. Your family still live in the nice part. You won't think much of it, but your house is far less likely to be robbed and you are far less likely to encounter the local gangs of bored, hungry youths. The closest you will get is Earl, who you'll meet at Junior High; life's lottery is not very good for Earl and the vast majority of outcomes see him descend into violence, but to you he's just that kid in class.

(If you'd been born male, you'd have a 10% chance of falling in with Earl's circle. If you want to see a likely outcome of that, GO TO 3.)

When you're thirteen, you and Quinn will be forced to go to Camp Grizzly in a faraway state. If you draw a card and it's the Two of Clubs, you will find out one day you were sent there because your parents were having marital troubles. There's a good chance the problems aren't papered over by the time you get back.

But we're looking at the most likely outcomes in this stream. It boils down to this: you hate summer camp. You really hate it. Your plan is to spend as much time as possible shirking it and reading the books you brought. You rapidly decide another plan is ignore Amelia as much as possible – the girl has latched on to you for reasons you are not old or wise enough to understand. She won't stop following you around and talking to you. Only books will save you now.

Nine days in, hiding out behind the huts, you've got a choice between reading We All Fall Down (which you haven't started yet) or rereading Brave New World. You've always liked Richard Cormier's The Chocolate War because it's bleak and says trying never gets you anywhere, but on the other hand it seems apt to read about people forced into a clique forever at this damned camp.

IF YOU READ "WE ALL FALL DOWN", GO TO 4.
IF YOU READ "BRAVE NEW WORLD", GO TO 5