So I was messing around with some LGBT+ headcanons for Total Drama characters, and this randomly popped in my head: Katie being agender. Next thing you know, we have a story! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama, nor am I agender myself. This is no way means to override or represent all agender peoples' experiences and struggles.
Katie knew it was inevitable… talking to Sadie about this, that is. They were best friends, BFFLs, platonic soulmates — whatever you want to call it. They talked about everything. It was only a matter of time.
Though, in hindsight, perhaps Katie should've thought about it a bit more before they frantically called Sadie to talk about this subject.
The phone in Katie's hand rang for hardly a second before Sadie picked up. In any other situation, they would've been ecstatic, but now? They were kind of hoping they would have a little more time to calm themself down. This wasn't exactly your run-of-the-mill reality tv relationship gossip, after all.
But, of course...
"Hey BFFL! What's up?!"
...serenity didn't come.
Katie could practically feel Sadie's energy radiating through the phone. It was calming in some sense, but in other, horrifically anxiety-inducing. They didn't want to take away that energy because of this… Because of them…
Would Sadie even accept them?
"H-Hey! Nothing much, just wanted to talk to you!" Katie stuttered out nervously. Their head didn't feel it was on straight… In fact, everything just felt jumbled and foggy.
Of course, as Katie predicted, Sadie immediately took notice to her friend's fumbled words. "Okay, so, you're totally not acting like yourself, Katie. You never answer like that! What's wrong?" she asked.
She knew them too well.
Katie sighed. It couldn't be avoided now, could it? "It's… complicated?" they responded.
"I smell stalling!" Sadie sang out. "Katie, you know whatever it is I'm not going to judge you for it! It's BFF code!"
And that it was. No judging for anything, including favourite cookie type, celebrity crushes, and, conveniently enough, sexually and gender identity! Probably, at least… Katie tended to stray away from those topics.
"Okay, okay," Katie caved, "but I wasn't lying when I said it was kinda complicated…" There was a brief pause, a brief moment of consideration before they decided to tell the truth. "It's about… my gender?"
There it was. The point of no return. Katie's heart beat out of their chest; they could hardly keep their grip on the phone. Why were they doing this? They weren't ready, oh, they weren't ready…
But it was killing them not telling anyone about this, especially Sadie. There were no secrets between them — or, at least, there weren't supposed to be. Katie always counted this as the exception, but that didn't stop waves of guilt from crashing over them.
"Your gender?" Sadie questioned. Suddenly, she gasped before Katie could even think of a response. "You're trans!?"
"I-In a way…" Katie trailed off, beating around the bush.
That proved to be a mistake.
"So you've been a boy all this time and you didn't tell me?! You know I still love you, even if you're a boy! You should've told me sooner!" she rambled in shocked excitedness.
...She didn't understand. Katie's hands started to tremble even more, so much so that they decided they couldn't even hold their phone anymore to keep the phone call going. They put it on their nearby dresser and turned it on speaker. Their hands left beads on sweat dripping on the phone.
"No! No… I-It's more complicated! Remember the complicated part?" they weakly interjected before Sadie could go much further.
"What's so complicated about it?" Sadie asked, sounding almost annoyed. Or maybe that was Katie just imagining things, projecting her fears on the situation. Besides, Sadie was an impatient gal. It didn't take long at a theme park to find that out. This probably didn't mean much. Even still...
Katie took in a shaky breath, clutching themself so hard that their fingernails dug into their skin. "I'm not a boy, but… I'm not a girl, either," they breathed, "...I don't feel like I'm either."
There was a moment of uncomfortably long silence. It was out in the air now, their confession, years of pent up anxieties and internalisation just out there, almost like it was nothing. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
They shouldn't have done this, they shouldn't have done this… This was such a bad idea! Acting on impulse, outing themself, losing their best friend…
Say something! Katie thought. Anything! Please!
Though, the silence still continued. Tears welled up in their eyes. Please don't let this be the end… Please don't let this be the end…
Finally, Sadie uttered something, one simple word that nearly gave Katie a heart attack,
"Huh?"
Katie sniffed, clearing their throat. "I'm… I'm…" they started, the word on the top of their tongue. Though, it was being forced down by their anxieties, their insecurities, their emotions… Everything made it hard to talk about.
"I'm… agender," they finally said, their voice still raspy and tears still raining down their face. "I don't feel like I'm male or female at all. I haven't for a long time."
Their heart beat continued to increase, somehow. They said the word. They had said the word!
Sadie knew who they were now. They were finally, officially, out of the closet, at least to one person.
…It was too much.
Before they even knew it, so many pent up worries and insecurities came flowing out of their mouth,
"Sadie, I hate my chest! I hate it soooo much!" they cried. "It doesn't feel right to have boobs, and it doesn't feel right to be called a 'she.' I still like girly stuff, but I hate being called a girl! It… It…"
"Katie, it's—"
"It's been so confusing, Sadie! I feel like I don't belong anywhere because I can't fill in a dumb circle that says F or M without lying to myself. And I'm so afraid to tell people about it because I'm scared they'll think I'm kidding, that's it's a phase… But I'm not kidding, Sadie! I'm not. I'm agender, and that's who I am."
They closed their eyes and took a few deep breaths, still wiping away tears.
In, hold, out… In, hold, out… In, hold, out...
In, hold...
"I don't think you're kidding."
Katie's eyes shot open, tumbling forward towards the dresser. They stared at their phone, a doubtful glare in their eyes. Did Sadie say what they think she said?
"Y-You don't?" Katie sniffed.
"No! I know you'd never lie to me about something like that! Katie, you're amazing, sweet, beautiful, and wonderful, no matter what gender you are!" Sadie exclaimed reassuringly. "I'm super duper proud of you! Though, I wish you'd told me sooner…"
Yes, she did say just that...
"Sorry… I should've… It's just, h-hard to talk about, I guess," Katie trailed off, still not sure what to think or say. It felt like they were in a dream.
"That's why I'm super, duper, uper proud of you, girlfriend!"
Katie cringed. And here was the next step… changing old habits. "Can you not call me that, from now on? Or, 'she'... It's kind of uncomfortable," they interjected awkwardly.
"Ooh, sorry!" Sadie said. "This is going to take some getting used to, I guess…"
"Yeah…"
There was a brief moment of static on the line. Katie twiddled their thumbs.
"Well, what do you want me to call you?" Sadie eventually asked.
"Uh, instead of 'she' and 'her', you can use 'they' and 'them.' And uh, non-gender specific nicknames?" Katie stated. On one hand, it made them so happy to finally be able to have someone address them properly, but asking just felt demanding… She didn't like demanding people to do anything, even for her own sake.
"You got it, sister! Oh, uh, I mean…"
Sadie's sputtering caused a giggle in Katie's throat that came out involuntarily. "Don't worry, we can get through these changes together!" Katie assured.
In spite of themself, Katie let out a laugh. Life suddenly burst through their clouded mind as the wonderful realisation came: Sadie had truly accepted them.
"I guess so," Sadie laughed. "I'm coming over to hug you and your cute gender neutral butt! Then we're getting ice cream!" she exclaimed.
They gasped. "Ice cream!? I'm sooo in!"
"Be there in 10! Love you, bestie!"
"Love you, too!"
The line went dead. Finally, the most horrendously nerve wracking phone call of their life was over.
They collapsed onto their bed.
For some reason, they were still shaking, still crying even — but they couldn't be more relieved! Sadie accepted them. She didn't think it was weird or that they'd outgrow it… She actually accepted them for who they are. They almost couldn't believe it.
It was a huge weight off their shoulders.
Sadie was coming for ice cream, and from that ice cream, they would start down a new road change, a new part in their lives. Sadie would inevitably ask questions, and Katie was ready to answer them. It was a small step into the new day.
And Katie was so glad they could take it with their best friend by their side.
Whoop! There we go! I'm sorry if Katie and Sadie are kind of OOC - I was unsure how to write them in this context, since they're usually used for comedic relief or something of the like.
Sorry this is also kind of predictable ? and lame ? lol i just wanted to write the concept, sorry.
Anyways, hope you enjoyed! Review, if you so please, and have a nice day! :)
~Rose