Title: you can never know everything
Summary: Ninjas, pirates, and the young wizard Harry Potter. What could be better? Oneshot.
Fandom: Naruto X Harry Potter. Rated T for language.
Dedication: For Chosha Kurenai, who is a truly awesome person to know (and write with).
A/N: I tried to write this story as a crackfic, but it behaved more like an orca on LSD. I hope I did the best I could (it was definitely a challenge) because much like the orca, I am WAY out of my depth. It did seem like a good idea at the time, but I have now come to the realization that crossovers are not for me.
(I will, however, give you free bonus points if you've heard of Alestorm before. Double for knowing the words to 'Keelhauled'!)
you can never know everything
(but never say never)
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The ground was hard.
The ground in general usually is pretty hard, especially when you wake up too early in the morning with a dead ass from lying on concrete pavement and wishing to God that you weren't awake yet. Except you are, so now might be a good time to deal with it.
None of these thoughts happened through sixteen-year-old Harry Potter's mind as he reached out for his thick, warm blanket, eager to pull it over his head. Anything to gain five minutes' leverage over the beginning of the inevitable day. In fact, he was thinking exactly what most of us think on a Monday morning, which was simply, why god why?
And then Harry realized that the blanket was gone.
And as a matter of fact (as Hermione would've said), so was his bed.
"Dean! Seamus!" Harry groaned out loud, sweeping the ground with his fingers for his glasses, even though they probably weren't there. "If this is another Irish-concocted, dickwitted April Fool's Day prank I swear I'll --"
And that was when he opened his eyes.
He was lying on his back on the pavement, in the middle of what looked like no city he had ever encountered, in his pajamas. A cart trundled past on the dirt road, and a couple of girls in kimono-style Asian dresses swept by in the other direction. Harry sat up, and, after patting his pockets, he realized his glasses were indeed in his breast pocket, and he put them on.
"What the hell is this place?" he mumbled under his breath.
A girl with a shock of pale pink hair was heading towards him along the pavement, flanked by two young men of a similar age -- one with dark hair, the other a spiky blonde. The latter was arguing noisily and rather one-sidedly with his companions, about something that Harry couldn't quite understand.
"Yeah, okay, drawing pretty pictures is fine, but if you come up against something really tough, I've got this new move that I want to try out. It's called Ramen Bowl no Jutsu and--"
The pinkhead snorted. "Ramen Bowl? Naruto, that's so freaking dumb."
"It so is not! Just wait till you see it, Sakura-chan!"
"Yes, it may be bigger than you thought it was," the dark-haired one said with an eerie smile. Harry was inclined to scramble out of their way at that, but as soon as he tried to move, pins and needles stabbed at his nether regions and he stopped, grimacing in pain.
"Sai, I don't even know what you just said, but shut up," the one called Naruto grumbled, crossing his arms... and nearly tripping over Harry, whose face scrunched up in pain even further. "Oi! What are you doing there?"
"Naruto, you just kicked him, for chrissakes, help him up!" the one Naruto had referred to as Sakura now scolded him, whacking the blonde over the back of the head with her black glove.
Naruto winced at the superficial blow. "Oww..."
Harry had, by now, helped himself up, and was trying to resist the urge to rub his behind and stimulate the blood flow. "Uh, it's okay, don't worry about it," he managed to mutter, although he didn't really mean it. Sai shrugged.
"It's okay. We won't," he said, without a trace of remorse. "Sakura, please stop trying to mate with Naruto."
Sakura glared up from the headlock she had Naruto in and screeched, "WILL YOU SHUT UP!?"
"See, she's not worried at all," Sai continued placidly to Harry. "What's your name?"
"Uh... Harry. Harry Potter." Harry offered his hand to the eerie-smiling guy, although he didn't really want to. It was, for some reason, ingrained into his very British psyche to use the correct manners, no matter how the situation seemed to me falling apart.
Sai ignored Harry's outstretched hand, and bowed his head reverently instead. "Honoured to meet you. I am Sai." In the distance, Harry could hear the faint sound of keytars beginning to play.
"Er... cool," he said quickly. "Look, do you have any idea where --"
"Sai!" Sakura interrupted them sharply, having abandoned her beating of the unfortunate blonde. "We have to get to training."
"Yes, we do," Sai agreed rather serenely, casting Harry another glance. "Have a good day, Harry Potter."
Naruto turned to walk away, when he was accosted, not by his pink-haired teammate this time, but by a small party of what seemed to be bearded musical Vikings, singing a loud and raucous song to the backing of their untuned keytars.
"Aye! That dirty landlubber, send him down to the depths below!"
Harry bristled at their sudden appearance, taking a cautious step back. "Holy crap! Pirates!"
"No, that's just Alestorm," Sakura shrugged, looking unconcerned by the rather horrible music. "We usually just ignore them."
The lead singer of the pirates raised his shaggy fist and shook it at them. "Ye faggots, ye don't ever ignore Alestorm! By Flint's scraggly beard, I'll keelhaul the lot of ye!"
The keytars started to yowl out a stunning reprisal of the same tune again, like an organ being cranked twice as fast. The singer took a hefty swig of the bottle in his other fist, before breaking into a chorus as the whole band strolled off, laughing and playing merrily.
"...Did he just call you faggots?" Sai asked, raising his eyebrows.
"H-Hey! Who's to say he wasn't including you!" Naruto yelled, grabbing Sai by the collar.
"Naruto, you really should try to ignore the urges of your small penis, instead of grabbing me by the clothes," Sai deadpanned. "I am not gay."
Naruto let go of Sai immediately, looking horrified. "You bastard! I-I-I AM NOT FREAKING GAY EITHER, ALRIGHT?"
"I'm sure your penis just isn't large enough for you to admit it --"
"Bastard!"
Harry was feeling distinctly nauseous after all these disorienting experiences. "Excuse me. Where am I?" he demanded, calling Naruto and Sai's inevitable argument to a halt.
"Uh, Konoha?" Naruto replied, with a bit of a 'duh' lingering silently on the end of his words. "Which ninja village are you from?"
Ninjas?
"Um... I'm from Surrey," Harry said rather weakly, having decided that these people were clearly unstable. Probably escaped lunatics or something. He just needed to find a bus stop or something and get the hell out of this town, and back to Hogwarts. They'd be wondering where he was. "I don't suppose you know where the nearest bus stop is, do you?"
The three of them simultaneously stared at him as if he were the escaped lunatic. "What the hell is a bus stop?" Sakura asked, looking annoyed.
"I've never heard of this Surrey place," Sai added, looking equally nonplussed.
Harry palmed his forehead, wishing somebody he recognized would walk into the picture and whisk him away from this crazy place.
Behind his back, Captain Jack Sparrow tiptoed across the street, looking over his shoulder as if avoiding somebody. "Oi, mate," he tapped Sai on the shoulder, waving the other hand figuratively. "You wouldn't happen to have seen a crew of keytar-wielding fellows tramping about, now, would ya?"
Sai nodded. "They went that way."
"I see." Without so much as a word of thanks, Jack adjusted his hat primly and continued on lurching into the next street.
Harry removed his hand from his face, having missed the entire spectacle. "Okay. What country is this?"
"It's the Land of Fire," Sakura explained factually, her hands on her hips. "You aren't some kind of spy, are you?"
"No. No way," Harry said quickly, holding up his hands. A bit too quickly.
Naruto's eyes narrowed slightly. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes." Harry was beginning to sweat with nervousness. What were these crazies on about? Land of fire? "...Why wouldn't I be sure?"
"No reason," Naruto smiled suddenly, the suspicion in his eyes disappeared. Just then, leaves started to drift down in the street around them. "Huh? Where are those leaves coming from?"
They all looked up at the sky, but there were no trees in sight. Just drifting leaves.
"Over here, you dumbass," came an all-too-familiar voice. Standing a little further down the street was another guy holding a long, sharp-looking sword. He wore a flowing white linen shirt, and his hair was dark and spiky at the back, like a duck's ass.
"Sasuke!" Sakura and Naruto shouted as one.
"Oh, boy," Sai mumbled under his breath so that only Harry could hear.
"Right, bastard! This is where we have our fight!" Naruto shouted, making what looked to Harry like an obscene gesture with his hands. "You're gonna pay for --"
"I'm not here for you, idiot," Sasuke interrupted him smoothly.
"Are you here for me, then?" Sakura asked, sounding breathless. A slight blush was on her cheeks.
"God dammit, no, woman," the Uchiha groaned, and Sakura wilted. "I'm here for that Harry Potter guy."
"What?" Harry couldn't believe it. Some total stranger with a weapon, who was obviously just as nutty as the rest, knew him? "How do you know my name?"
"I know everything," Sasuke smirked, tossing his jet-black hair. Harry scowled at the ponce.
"That's ridiculous. You can never know everything."
Sasuke growled and knocked him over with a punch in the jaw. It hurt like hell, but it seemed to slow down Harry's fall. It was almost like he was floating down to the ground on a soft mattress of cloud.
Instead of putting his arms out to stop himself, the scar-headed teenager just stared up at the sky. It felt as if he were being consumed by its' wide, blue expanse, to be finally smothered in light...
"Harry? Harry, wake up!"
…And he did.
Safe and sound in his sixth-year dormitory bed, with Ron staring down at him with wide eyes.
"Ron?" Harry asked blearily, rubbing his eyes. "What happened?"
"I dunno, mate, you started kicking the bed, and yelling something about pirates and ninjas. I thought you'd cracked," Ron told him, with a hoarse laugh. He seemed relieved, now that Harry was awake and relatively sane-looking.
Harry leaned his head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling, feeling drained by his horrible dream. Maybe he was going mad. Maybe this was another dream from Voldemort, trying to confuse him; the very reason he was meant to be learning Occlumency.
Harry shook his head at that thought, scrunching his eyebrows slightly. If Voldemort had sent him that dream, the guy was on a really bad trip.
"So what, did you have another nightmare?" Ron asked with a frown.
After considering it for a moment, Harry nodded. "Yeah. The worst."
the end
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