Yeah... I haven't written or updated something in a pretty long while. I'll update "Karma", "Onegai" and "P.R." when the opportunity (or inspiration) arises. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait (that is, if you've been waiting).
Until then, you have this crappy little story I wrote over a few lunch breaks at work. Un-beta'd, so if there are spelling errors and grammatical errors, OOPSIE!
Characters are Kishimoto's and are, as I have always written them, O.O.C.
And just in case you don't know what these words are...
Chikushoo- damn it!; Oishii- delicious/tasty; Itadakimasu- "thanks for the food!", Zabuton- they're floor pillows.
You will never get me to type Naruto's dub catch phrase because I hate it with a passion.
Narutolocks and the Three Hyuugas
Once upon a time- and it's only natural for a fairy tale to begin in such a way- there was a boy. A somewhat mischievous and dimwitted boy, but heck, the kid had no family and wasn't very well liked for some particularly dumb reason (involving some fox demon... and maybe because he was a troublemaker), so it wasn't like anyone was going to give him lessons on proper behavior... But to hell with descriptions, as the authoress is feeling lazy and would like to continue on with this insignificant story.
The boy, whose name was Uzumaki Narutolocks, had been jumping atop rooftops in Konoha in search of ways to sate his thirst for making mischief.
"I'm bored," he whined, stopping only to scratch the itch in his rear.
Meanwhile, in a distant part of town, Hyuuga Neji, Hyuuga Hinata, and Hyuuga Hanabi, being the good youth that they were (well, Hinata was good- Neji and Hanabi were merely tagging along), decided to traverse towards the local orphanage to play with disadvantaged kids and to give the authoress an opportunity to have Narutolocks break into their home and wreak havoc.
"I don't want to help disadvantaged kids," Neji haughtily jeered, crossing his arms.
"Shut up, Main House wannabe- you'll do as I say!" the authoress quipped, and began to massage her temples, clearly annoyed by Neji's arrogance and constant lack of cooperation.
"And why should I?"
"Because I'm the writer of this damn fic and I'll cut off your balls if you don't! Neji- no balls, no smexxxing with Hinata in my next story! SNIP SNIP!"
"You can't threaten me, you damn bitch."
"Remember how I made Hinata kick you in the nuts in "Good Karma, Bad Karma"? That's the kind of power I have."
"I love helping the less fortunate!" Neji declared suddenly, sweat-dropping and squeezing his twig and berries with both hands (just to be sure they were still in place).
Hinata and Hanabi, unaware of the conversation Neji had with the authoress, wrinkled their noses in distaste at Neji's public self-fondling/drooling combination and walked off, leaving Neji to indulge in his dirty thoughts about Hinata in various bondage poses. Once he realized his Hina-chan and the mini-bratling were gone, he high-tailed after them, forgetting to close the door in the process.
Elsewhere, after spray-painting "Sasuke Iz A Luzer" and "Narutolocks Wuz Heer" on the walls of his best friend/rival's house (Narutolocks was a poor speller), switching Iruka-sensei's Academy curriculum with "Icha Icha Make-Out Tactics", chiseling his face into the Hokage Monument and running away from Granny Tsunade and the mob of angry townspeople, Narutolocks found himself in a ritzy neighborhood.
"Ooh, fancy digs, dattebayo!" he cooed appreciatively, as he jumped into the middle of the Hyuuga estate. His bright blue orbs spotted the opened door that lead to the inside of the Main House and he invited himself inside, kicked off his sandals, and took in his surroundings.
He walked into a room where he spotted a 52" LCD TV screen and three zabuton pillows. Running around town at breakneck speeds trying to avoid pissy villagers had really taken its toll on his weary body. He flipped on the television set to his favorite channel and quickly sat down on a blue pillow belonging to Neji.
"Shit!" he cried, rubbing his sore tush. "That one's too hard!"
He moved onto a pale blue pillow belonging to Hanabi.
KONK!
He grimaced. "Chikushoo! That one's just a slab of rock!"
Lastly, he eyed the lavender-hued pillow. He pushed the pad of his finger into the cushion just to be sure it wasn't going to break his tailbone, and gingerly set his bottom down. Narutolocks sighed wistfully.
"Aah, this one is juuuuuuust right, dattebayo!"
He was so comfortable he passed a noxious wind into the cushion.
"Crap, that's foul!" he ranted, fanning his rear end and running around the room to escape the smell. Unable to withstand the stench any longer, Narutolocks covered his nose and mouth, meandering further into the house. Suddenly, he detected some delicious smells wafting nearby and moved towards the Hyuuga dining hall.
Instantly his mouth began to water. "RAMEN!"
And not just one bowl, but three!
"Itadakimasu!" he chirped happily to no one in particular, taking Neji's chopsticks and delving into his bowl of noodly love. Just as quickly as the noodles went in, he spit them back out again into the bowl, most of the contents sloshing over and creating a rather large mess.
"Nyaaah! Too hot and salty!"
He moved onto Hanabi's bowl. Dipping his pinky into the soup and finding it's temperature more to his liking, he lifted the bowl to his lips and began slurping away. He spewed the contents in his mouth all over the table.
"Blecch, this one tastes like DIRT!"
Eying the last bowl, he thought against trying it out, but his stomach growled in protest. After passing the temperature test, he brought a spoonful of ramen broth to his discerning taste buds.
"OISHII! This one is juuuuuust right, dattebayo!" And Narutolocks proceeded to finish off Hinata's ramen, rubbing his happy belly and smacking his lips.
The MSG in the ramen was making him feel a bit drowsy. He sauntered upstairs and walked into the first room he saw, which was Hanabi's. Ignoring the walls painted in black and the medieval weaponry that were hung tastefully around the room, he jumped into the bed and flew straight off, yelping in pain.
"The fuck?" he cried, ripping the black comforter from the mattress. "Who the hell sleeps on a bed of nails?"
He fared no better in the next room. Lying down, he noticed the slightly dampened futon and overlooked the pile of crusty towels and hand lotion shoved underneath the bed.
"Blecch, wet and stinky!"
To his dismay, Narutolocks discovered that the back of his shirt was stained with some sort of weird goo. Too tired to wash the stain out, he, in his drowsy state, rummaged through one of Neji's drawers and changed into a clean tank top and made his way towards room # 3.
"Ooh, silky texture, dattebayo," he said, reveling in the feel of his 'borrowed' garment.
He settled himself into the cleanly pressed lavender sheets, took a deep whiff of the lavender scent that came from the room, and smiled.
"Aaah, this one is juuuuust right, datteba-Zzzzzzzzzzz..." Narutolocks fell into a deep sleep
An hour later, the Hyuuga Trio came home and were surprised to find the door ajar.
Hanabi jumped onto her cousin's shoulders and began to gnaw on his head. "You moron, you left the door unlocked," she said, devoid of any emotion.
Before Neji had a chance to defend himself, Hinata quieted the two down and suggested they be on their guard in case someone was still inside.
Hearing noises coming from the TV set, they crept into the first room and nearly gagged at the ominous stench that loomed over their heads. Coughing, Neji discovered orange fibers on his pillow.
"Someone was sitting on my pillow!"
Resisting the urge to vomit, Hanabi checked out her pillow.
"Someone was sitting on my pillow," she hacked. The stink was too much! She bolted out of the room.
Hinata was in tears. "Somebody was sitting on my pillow, and left a stain behind!" Neji reddened as Hinata rushed into his arms for comfort, and tossed her doo-doo smudged cushion into the nearest trash bin.
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Neji took advantage of Hinata's vulnerability. "I'm sorry, Hinata-sama," he drooled, his hand rubbing circles on her back and skulking lower, and lower...
"Onee-san. Nii-san. Look," said Hanabi, beckoning them from the doorway and causing Neji to freeze in his actions and quietly damn his younger cousin.
The cousins ran into the large dining room.
"Someone was eating my ramen!" seethed Neji, looking at the noodles that were scattered all over the table.
"Someone was eating my delicious ramen," Hanabi plainly said, swirling her finger into the remaining mixture of soup base, sand, and silt.
"My ramen..." moped Hinata, holding up an empty bowl. "Gone..."
Finally, their ears perked up to the sounds of snoring coming from upstairs. They reached Hanabi's room first.
"Someone tried sleeping in my bed," she deadpanned, rolling around on her gruesome mattress and purring at the wonderful pin-prickling sensations as Neji and Hinata shivered uncomfortably.
Neji rushed into his room and closed the door before either Hinata or Hanabi could enter. He made sure his collection of ecchi fetish magazines (with the girls' heads cut out and replaced with pictures of Hinata) were still hidden in his closet. After picking up the stranger's orange shirt, he walked back out into the hallway, pretending to ignore the strange looks on his cousins' faces.
"Um, someone was in my bed as well, and left their shirt behind..."
Hinata, fearing the worst, had slowly crept towards her room with Neji and Hanabi in tow.
Finding a lump in her bed, she suppressed the urge to 'eep' and ever so slowly drew back the covers, revealing a mop of sunny yellow hair and tanned skin.
"Someone's sleeping in my bed!" she squeaked.
Hanabi moved towards the bed and poked Narutolocks' forehead. "It's alive," she observed, walking back to her spot and wiping her finger on Neji's sleeve.
It was at this moment that Narutolocks decided to wake up from his slumber, and wouldn't you know, the first thing he saw was Hinata.
He regarded the shy-looking girl for a moment, and smiled goofily.
"Hee-hee," he drooled, rubbing his arm across his mouth and wiping it on her blanket. "You're pretty... PRETTY WEIRD, dattebayo!"
Hinata could only continue to stare as her cheeks reddened at a maddening pace. She began to breathe heavily, which caused Neji and Hanabi to take a few precautionary steps back, balled her hand into a fist, and sent it flying straight for Narutolocks' head.
"Weird... W-w-WHAT!" Hinata was LIVID. "Y-you... you... BIZNOUTCH! You break into our house, place dookie stains on my pillow, eat my food, sleep and drool in my bed and have the AUDACITY to wear my CAMISOLE?" Hinata failed to notice her cousin's nervous fidgeting at the mention of Hinata's filmy undershirt. She grabbed his neck and lifted him above her head as she continued to rant. "How DARE you root through MY private things and take-"
"Onee-san," Hanabi interrupted, standing on tiptoe and brushing her sister's hair lovingly with her fingers. "Take deep breaths. Remember what the doctor said about your hypertension..."
Hinata quickly squeaked out an apology to her younger sister and the already frightened boy and placed him gingerly back onto the floor.
"GET THE HELL OUT!" Neji screeched, uncharacteristically shoving Narutolocks out of the window. Hinata facefaulted.
"Um, N-nii-san? Isn't that taking things too f-far?" she winced, looking out to make sure the boy was alright.
The dizzy boy could only scream in horror as he descended into the waiting arms of an angry Sasuke, Iruka, Tsunade, and half the population of Konoha.
Hanabi perched herself atop Neji's head and began gnawing again. "We're not that rude, Nii-san... he could've used our door."
Night fell as Narutolocks trudged up the stairs leading back to his apartment.
"Tsunade-baba punches so damn hard," he muttered, gingerly rubbing one of many bruises he had received from his prank victims. Once he stepped inside, he walked into his bathroom, removed his clothing, and stepped into the shower to wash away the dirt and grime he had accumulated.
Unfortunately, as one can easily guess, or just because the authoress is telling you now, someone was eagerly awaiting his return, ready to take back what was not rightfully his.
"Hinata's stuff is MINE!" Neji insanely declared as he jumped from his hiding place underneath the sink cabinet, grabbed Hinata's lingerie off the floor, and hurriedly flushed the toilet, shooting streams of scalding hot water onto Narutolocks' badly beaten body.
The unfortunate blond hollered in agony as Neji fled the small hovel of a living space.
When Neji returned home, there was a surprise waiting for him outside his door.
"N-nii-san?"
"Hinata-sama, what are you doing here?" he gulped, hiding Hinata's undershirt and trying damn hard not to ogle his cousin's developing breasts in her nearly see-through lacy frock.
"N-Narutolocks drooled all over my sheets and I have nowhere to sleep...c-could I lay here for the night?" she asked shyly, poking her fingers together in a manner Neji found cute.
And Neji and Hinata lived happily ever after... er, at least for the next 10 seconds.
Once he complied and let Hinata into his bedroom, she took one whiff of the strange smell coming from his bed and hurriedly insisted on sleeping over at a friend's house.
The very next morning, an overly cranky, sleep (and sexually) deprived Neji walked into the nearby 7-11 and purchased a bottle of Febreze fabric-refreshing spray.
While he was out, Hanabi snooped through his closet to check out his dirty magazine collection.
"Onee-sama looks so pretty," she said, turning her head at various angles to admire 'Hinata''s bound and naked body.
And in yet another part of town, Hinata pulled the covers over her exposed chest and greeted the new day in bed with her good friend, Hatake Kakashi.
THE (bizarre and very nonsensical) END
Yeah. Work makes me crazy and causes me to have these kinds of ideas... I'm constantly (okay, not constantly, but occasionally) wondering how these thoughts generate.
Liked it? Review. Didn't like it? I can understand why.