In all of the approximately 11963 hours of her life, the last five hours of James T. Kirk's life have been the most hellish.
That's probably why she's clutching Nurse Chapel to her, heaving with sobs and getting snot all over the blonde woman's crisp uniform and not caring. Why Spock is standing there and just staring as her Captain's persona cracks and bleeds her heart all over the floor. Captain Kirk has no heart, she's made well and sure of that. She makes difficult decisions and stands tall, as confident and sure as any man with twice her experience.
But Jamie Kirk is a backwater hick with a façade, who's secretly kind of an emotional mop and has a soft spot for cute kids, puppies and kitties. And she loves her crew, and her ship, with all of the love that she didn't get growing up.
Which is why, when five of her ensigns, who she trusted with her life and loved like family, who she took special care to make sure they weren't afraid, just go and give up their life for her, she has the total right to be emotionally compromised. She's just thankful that no one has actually said those words, because there's enough bad juju in those words that she will punch someone in the face if they utter those words. She will be taken off duty for a while, but she will get the hell over it.
The situation on Gamma Melgion II started out simple. They were to beam down to the planet, take a few readings, and beam back up. Simple, precise, easy. There were natives, sure, but they were only like, two feet tall. What the preliminary scans failed to mention was that while they were only two feet tall, the natives absorbed massive amounts of carbon from the soil and atmosphere, which they used to reinforce their bones and subsequently make them about the strongest things ever.
Coupled with a primitive-level intelligence, if you wandered into Melgion territory, you were going to get a beat down. Jim, statistical anomaly that she is, just happened to wander across a hunting party of the little yellow bastards, and they kind of hurled a rock at her head and nearly caved her skull in.
When Jim woke up from the resulting concussion, she was tied to a stake and there were tons of little toad-eyed, four-armed yellow cretins dancing around her, mumbling in their little mumbly language. And Jim had none of her equipment, so busting out of her bonds and kicking some ass was out of the question.
Then they started licking their teeth and clicking rocks at the base of wood at Jim's feet. And it wasn't until the first sparks caught that Jim realized they were to cook her alive and eat her. Luckily, her landing party showed up just in the nick of time, and someone doused her with water before she could be burned at the stake. Haha.
Her mind was clearing up when her crew, as awesome as they were, got captured. Ensign Marley had gotten killed in the tussle, her body a tumbled pile of limbs and blood that oozed from the sharp rock piercing her chest. The hit had killed her in seven seconds, and Jim had watched every one with painstaking diligence. It was her duty, as Captain, to mentally record the woman's pain, her last breath as it left her body. It would only serve Jim in later years, to remember Marley's death and make sure that others under her command didn't die.
That didn't make it any less painful.
Ensigns Hanish, R'Nal, Degil and Gephart were lined up on their knees, hands tied behind their backs. Their skin was already turning red and flaky from the radiation poisoning (they were only cleared for an hour, at most, and it's been at least three), but their expressions were fierce and unafraid. Jim felt a surge of pride through the guilt- she'd been training all the ensigns personally for landing party experience, and these five had been the best so far. It was their very first time going onto the surface of an alien planet, and it would be their last.
The leader of the Melgions, a squat but ridiculously muscled little guy, waddled up to the ensigns and spoke in surprisingly good Standard,
"You fight well for Tall People. Other Tall People come; not so good at fight. Give up with little hurts. You fight with honor. In respect, we will bargain." The other Melgions whoop, and Jim gives a sigh of relief. If, at the very least, she can negotiate the terms of the ensign's release, they can get back to the ship and tell the others what happened.
"I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the-" Muscle-man whirls on her, the nostrils on the top of his head flaring as he waves his little fists. Jim resists the urge to snort.
"Tall women no speak! Only men speak!" He turns his back on her again and looks Ensign Gephart as well in the eye as he can, being about a foot and a half too short to actually look into his eyes. Ensign Gephart is a clever man, and he says in his deep, calming voice,
"The Tall woman is our leader. We will give ourselves over to you in exchange for her release." Okay, maybe he's not so clever. Jim tries to speak up again, but Muscles is starting to get bitchy. She eases up, but glares at Gephart. He smiles his slow, wide smile.
"Don't worry about it, Jimma. We knew what we were signing ourselves up for." Jim swallows uneasily but doesn't speak. Ensigns R'Nal and Hanish, who have been one of the rumor mills hottest commodities with their on-again off-again relationship, scoot closer together and quietly exchange words, and Hanish gives his lover a kiss on the forehead before they part, R'Nal's three violet eyes shiny with tears. Jim starts hyper-ventilating, because it's finally starting to set in. The transporter they've been waiting for is not going to come back online in time. These five ensigns will all have died for her by the time the day is up.
"Guys, you're so fucking stupid. I'm writing you up for insubordination when we get back, you hear me?" Degil laughs, shaking his head, and trades elbow jabs with Gephart. How can they be so fucking calm, when the Melgions are slowly working up a chant, and they're closing in with sharp bone knives and heavy rocks?
"You do what you gotta do, Jimma. But I gotta ask that you say goodbye to mah little girl for me, okay? She'll never forgive me if I don't pass that along, at least." And Jim chokes up, and then the Melgions spring on the four ensigns. She watches each death and does not cry, but saves each hyper-tense detail. It will serve her later, she tells herself.
They release Jim a few minutes later, leaving her to wander away across the hilly landscape, slowly burning out from radiation poisoning. It wasn't until McCoy activated the tracking chip he'd covertly installed her last physical that they found her, passed out under a tree with her skin nearly melting off and carrion birds about to rip out her eyes.
After three hours of hydration, dermal regeneration and intense medical foil, most of the physical damage was erased, leaving new, shiny pink skin in it's wake. Jim had muscled her way back into shift rotation, if only because if she sat in sickbay with Bones long enough she would crack, and she wasn't ready for that.
She was on shift for forty minutes before Uhura finally called her on her behavior. She'd been short with the bridge crew before, but always apologized for it. Now she wasn't letting anything slide- the ensigns had gotten caught because of carelessness, surely.
It's when she asks Uhura for the third time to check all frequencies that the lieutenant snaps,
"Captain, I've already checked all frequencies. Nothing new is expected to come in, and I've got the alert system on for any incoming hails. I really doubt some crisis is going to just pop up out of nowhere." Jim snorts, shooting back,
"Well, obviously you haven't been on this ship long enough to know that's not the case. And you would also know that questioning my orders is something I do not tolerate. Scan all frequencies again, Lieutenant Uhura." Her voice goes cold and hard, and Spock suddenly pipes up,
"Captain, perhaps you require-"
"If I wanted your opinion, Mr. Spock, I would have asked for it. Please return your attention to your post." Even if Spock acquiesces reluctantly, Uhura makes a disdainful noise and pulls her earpiece out, slapping it down on the console. Everyone is looking now, and Jim stands up with a sharp motion, sweeping her cold gaze across the crew.
"What the hell are you all looking at? Get back to your posts!" Everyone is still for a second before they scramble to do as told. It's Spock who rebels this time, standing up and taking a hold of her shoulders in an uncommon and totally surprising gesture. His dark eyes are too piercing, too knowing. She feels transparent, his too-hot hands seeping warmth through her uniform
"Captain, you are bleeding." Jim blinks, finally noticing the warmth beading on her upper lip. She swipes a hand under her nose, the skin coming away red.
"Huh?" And then, the pain that's she's been steadily ignoring springs forward. Oh, right, concussion. She swoons suddenly, and Spock is right there, catching her with his firm grip. Uhura is suddenly comming sickbay, and Jim struggles to shake it off.
"No, seriously, I'm fine. It's just a concussion." Jim distantly hears Bones' reply of "Just a concussion? Goddamn you, Jim Kirk, you stupid son of a bitch!"
Then Spock slings her arm over his shoulder and gently guides her towards the turbo lift, but Jim isn't quite done talking yet.
"You know, Spock, you're like the best First ever. You never let me get too out of control." Spock carefully settles her against the turbo lift wall, and she closes her eyes. Why is she so tired all of a sudden? It's like the more she thinks about closing her eyes, the more tired she gets. Suddenly Spock taps her on the face.
"Please refrain from losing consciousness, Captain. And I must disagree with you; you seem to find many opportunities to prove that I cannot control you. One would almost say that you take pleasure out of proving me wrong." Jim just smirks, bringing one hand up to slap Spock on the shoulder but lacking the force. Instead her hand just sort of falls down the line of his body, which is a little sexy.
"Why Commander, you big tease. I almost think you're flirting with me. Damn sexy Vulcans." Spock raises an eyebrow, and Jim giggles a little boozily.
"Whoops. I didn't mean to say that out loud. Oh, I feel woozy." Jim allows herself to slide to the floor, only for one of Spock's arms to circle her waist and lift her up again. She whines the whole way to sickbay, cheerily swearing at all the passersby. They all laugh, and this makes her laugh, but laughing makes her head hurt and her vision pulse black-red, and so she demands that Spock let her sit down. He does, but when she closes her eyes he picks her up again, this time bridal style, and takes her to sickbay.
The next hour is taken up with Bones griping, Spock being silent and Jim whining as she's put through a few tests and hypos. Finally the concussion is healed, and Bones gives her his unofficial stamp of approval. She won't get the real stamp until the pain in her head goes away, so she's left with Spock hovering uncertainly and the awaiting mental breakdown to think about.
It doesn't happen until Nurse Chapel walks in, oddly tentative. She always likes Christine, so Jim smiles and holds out her hand for the PADD the nurse is carrying. At the very least she can get rid of some paperwork, which is awesome, because it's kind of been broaching from her desk to her bed, and it's hard to sleep surrounded by stacks of PADDs. But then Jim takes a look at it, and her heart clings heavily to her throat.
"I'm sorry to bother you with this now, Captain, but Starfleet has to be notified that Ensigns Gephart, Marley, R'Nal, Gegil, and Hanish have…are now…" Chapel swallows, and Jim finishes quietly,
"Dead. They're dead." Jim takes the PADD and signs it. And then she remembers.
"Oh, shit. Shit. Are there any contacts in Ensign Gephart's file?" Chapel looks surprised, but flicks through the PADD and finally says,
"Uh, yes, there's a comm number for Earth here. Registered to Gephart's ex-wife." Jim reads the number over, then comms the bridge. The first thing she does is apologize (briskly and a little bit too cool, but she's never been good with apologizing) to Lt. Uhura, who accepts it with gracious relief. And then she asks Uhura to patch her through.
A little girl answers, with the same slow accent as Gephart. Jim's voice clogs. She can't think of any way to dampen the blow, can't really see the point of it with her head pulsing with pain, and so she just says,
"This is James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. I have a message for you, from your father." There's a pause.
"…Is something wrong? Is daddy okay?" Jim licks her lips with slow, deliberate care, tenses, and says to the dead air,
"Your father wanted me to tell you that he loves you, very much. Those were his last words. I'm sorry, but you father is dead." There's a gasp, and then the little girl starts to sob. She cuts the communication, and Jim swallows around the lump in her throat and takes the stylus from Chapel. But suddenly the words on the PADD are blurry, and her hand wobbles as she struggles to find the signature line. She chokes a little, and then suddenly Christine is wrapping her arms around her, warm and soft with a little whispered,
"It's okay, Jim. It's alright." She lets the burning in her eyes spill over, practically hurls the PADD to the ground, and latches onto Christine as the floodgate opens, and pure hurt washes out to the view of two of her senior officers, poor Christine, and a recovering lieutenant who gawks until Bones glares at her.
Finally, the tears slow, then end, and Jim pulls back, sighs at the ceiling and swipes at her face. Christine gives her a warm smile, pats her thigh, and hands her the PADD again before turning away to continue her duties. Jim makes a mental note about commendations, suppresses a hiccup, and turns to Spock.
"I need to, ah…" There was something niggling at the back of her head, but she couldn't quite remember what it was. Spock nodded, eyes hot and emphatic; he understood. Suddenly Bones big, warm hand was on her shoulder, and his lips pressed against her temple.
"It's okay, Jim. We'll handle it. You just rest." For once she's too tired to argue, and she curls up in the biobed under the watchful eyes of the two men she loves the most.
AN: This was spurred on by my burning desire to see more fem!Kirks, fem!Spocks, and fem!Bones. I love genderbenders, and there aren't enough of them. I apologize for the angsty-ness of this, but everyone likes angst every once and a while, right? And I know Kirk is really ditzy and OOC there for a moment. Bear with me. I don't feel like re-writing it.