Yeah, this is totally a crackfic. I got the idea from two really weird dreams that I had a few months ago. One involved a uniform that didn't fit right. The second had some weird things that were illegal in Amestris. I decided to put those two dreams together and add a few things from conversations with my friends and this is the result...
Disclaimer: I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist nor Pokemon. If I did, 4-Kids never would've gotten a hold of Pokemon, I'd be rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.
Warnings: No spoilers (unless you haven't watched FMA). There is some implied RoyEd towards the end.
"Now that you're a State Alchemist, you need to go get yourself a uniform," Führer Bradley announced.
"What uniform?" I replied stupidly. "Wait, how am I a State Alchemist if I never took the exam?"
"Does it matter?" Bradley exclaimed. "You are now the Wildfire Alchemist. Now, go to the basement and get your uniform."
After walking down what seemed like miles of stairs, I found myself in the basement of what I assumed was Central Headquarters. To be honest, I had no clue where I was. There was a sign over the stairs that said "To the Salt Mines," but this looked like a normal basement to me. I walked into this room and next thing I know, I'm being measured by some really crabby Sergeant. He threw a uniform at my face when he was done measuring me. When I unfolded it I noticed that this particular uniform was at least twice my size.
"Um," I said nervously, "this is way too big for me."
"That's the smallest we have!" the Sergeant snapped.
"Oh, come on!" I replied. "Fuery's smaller than me and his uniform fits him. You can't be telling me that this is the smallest you have."
"That's Sergeant Major Fuery to you," he snapped. "Now go change! Colonel Mustang is waiting for you."
"Oh goody," I replied and went off to change. As I had noticed before, the uniform was too large. The sleeves covered my hands and the pants were incredibly baggy. Then I climbed back up the miles of stairs (in oversized boots) and found my way to Mustang's office. How I got there I'm not really sure because I still had no clue where I was. When I walked in he was standing on a chair and cleaning the windows.
"Hello?" I called out, and he jumped and fell off of the chair.
"So you're the new alchemist that I'm in charge of, aren't you?" he asked me as he stood and brushed himself off.
"I guess," I replied.
"Couldn't you get a smaller uniform?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "this was the smallest they had."
"Well go get a smaller one," he ordered.
"I already told you, Colonel. This is the smallest that they had," I snapped.
"Borrow Fullmetal's then," he suggested. "He never wears his."
"I didn't know he had one," I replied. "Besides, his wouldn't fit me anyway. He's smaller than me."
In the distance, Edward Elric could be heard yelling, "Who're you calling so small that he'd blow away in the wind!?"
Alphonse's reply of "Brother, she didn't say that!" could also be heard.
"Wow, they have good hearing," I commented.
"Well, since you're uniform problem seems to be solved, and you are now a State Alchemist, devil, dog of the military, etc," Mustang stated. I looked down at myself and, miraculously, my uniform fit me perfectly now. As he was saying this he was rummaging through his desk. "Here," he said as he found what he was looking for, "have a sandwich." He threw something at me, and it hit my head and landed on the floor.
"This isn't a sandwich," I said as I picked it up. It was one of the silver pocket watches that State Alchemists carry.
Suddenly, the door busted open and the Führer walked in. Mustang stood up and saluted and glared at me until I did the same. "HATS!" the Führer yelled. "I LOVE HATS!!" Then Führer Bradley turned around and walked out.
"What on Earth was that?" I asked Mustang.
He shrugged and said, "Come back tomorrow. You may find out then."
...
"This can't be right," I said as I read over the paper titled "Weird Laws of Amestris" that was in front of me. "All of these things are illegal?"
"So it would seem," Colonel Mustang answered in a bored tone from behind his newspaper. I got the impression that he wasn't really listening to me.
"Walking backwards in a ballerina tutu?" I read aloud.
"I did that once," Breda said. "I got a huge fine for it."
Everyone in the room, except for Mustang since he wasn't really paying attention, stared at Breda in shock. I don't know about the others, but I am now scarred by the mental image of Breda in a tutu.
"What were you doing in a tutu?" Fuery asked.
"I don't think any of us really want to know," Havoc stated, voicing my and probably everyone else's sentiments.
Black Hayate ran into the room and said in a demonic voice, "I would like to know."
Everyone (except Mustang again. He appears to be quite good at ignoring us) screamed, and Breda jumped up on top of a cabinet. "Get that demon dog away from me!" he yelled.
"That thing is possessed!" I cried.
"Colonel!" Fuery said, grabbing the newspaper from Mustang, "You have to help us! Black Hayate is possessed!"
"No he isn't, Fuery!" Mustang growled, annoyed that Fuery took his paper. "It's just your imagination."
Black Hayate grinned, or rather showed his teeth, and said, this time in a little boy's voice, "I'm not possessed. I was just trying to scare you." The dog left the room as suddenly as he appeared.
Mustang stared wide-eyed at the spot where the dog was just standing. "That was… unexpected. Maybe it really is possessed…"
"What else is on that list, Wildfire?" Falman asked, calling me by my state title. He appeared eager to change the topic from demon dogs.
"Umm…" I scanned the list, looking for an interesting one. "Here's one. 'The possession of Pokemon is illegal and punishable by up to 10 years in prison.'" When I looked up to see the others' reactions, I noticed that everyone except Colonel Mustang had left the room. "Where'd everyone go?" I asked him. He shrugged, so I looked back at the sheet I was reading. The note after the Pokemon line caught my attention. "All Pokemon found in one's possession will be confiscated and turned over to either Colonel Roy Mustang or Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes?" I read aloud. "What the hell? This is so weird."
"It makes perfect sense to me," Mustang commented.
"Well, first of all," I replied, "I didn't think that Pokemon existed in this world. Second, what the hell do you do with all of the Pokemon that you wind up with?"
"I keep the fire Pokemon for myself," he answered, "and I give the rest to Hughes."
"Pyromaniac," I muttered to myself.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," I responded quickly. "So you keep the fire ones, but what do you do with them?"
Roy Mustang smirked. It was a rather evil smirk that I found kind of creepy. "I train them," he said as he smirked.
I was about to say something in response when I heard yelling out in the hall. "What the hell?" somebody, it sounded like Edward Elric, was yelling, "Where did these Pokemon come from? Why are they dragging me to Mustang's office!? WHY ARE THEY TAKING OFF MY SHIRT!?"
I looked over to Mustang, who still had that evil smirk. "Now you know what I train them for," he said. At that moment, the door burst open and Edward was dragged in by four Growlithe. When Ed saw Mustang with that smirk, he sighed.
"I should've known that you would be behind this," he said.
"Of course," Mustang replied.
"Alright," I said as I got up to leave, "this is where I leave you two." With the looks they were giving each other, I figured that they would want some privacy. As I walked down the hall, I began to think about the past two days. Suddenly, I realized something. I never did figure out why the Fürher likes hats.
Sorry if the ending seemed abrupt, but this is a crackfic. I hope you enjoyed it. I certainly enjoyed writing it. So yeah...instead of working on the Pirates story that I haven't touched since February (I think) I came up with this. By the way, the RoyEd part at the end didn't come from me. It came from my rabid "Roy/Ed is my one true pairing!" friend. She gets the credit, not me. At this point in time, I'm no good at writing slash. Bye for now...