Written for a prompt on the Glee Angst Meme. Takes place immediately after Theatricality.
Finn doesn't generally try to claim that he's known for his impressive thinking. He knows he's dumb. Sometimes people think he's dumber than he really is, but he can't fault them for it because he's aware that he doesn't give them much reason to think that he does in fact possess a brain. So as terrified as he is to be in this situation, he knows that it's solely due to his own stupidity.
It's just that he didn't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Kurt had forgiven Finn for the blowout in the basement, but Kurt had never really blamed Finn for it in the first place. He'd been upset about it, but he hadn't faulted Finn for it. Actually the fact that Kurt had taken it in stride seemed to be something that upset Burt Hummel even more. The idea that Kurt heard the word slung at him so often that he was willing to shrug it off (however painfully) even when it came from somebody he adored was a little bit heartbreaking.
It mostly just made Finn feel like an even bigger jackass, which was saying something considering he already felt like he deserved some kind of an award from Bam Margera for Outstanding Achievements in Douchebaggery. Maybe Puck could present it to him, since he was the current holder of the Lifetime Achievement award.
The problem was that although Kurt had forgiven him, he'd also taken to avoiding Finn like the plague. It was almost like Kurt was afraid to be alone in a room with him or worried that he'd say something that would set Finn off again, which was both a little ridiculous and a lot painful.
It was slightly comforting to know that Kurt hadn't told any of his friends about the fight or what Finn had said to him. Or at least, Finn assumed he hadn't told them if only because Mercedes hadn't flat out murdered him yet and Artie was shooting him suspicious looks instead of furious glares. Quinn and Tina had taken to running interference on Finn so that Kurt could make his getaway whenever Finn seemed determined to corner him, but they hadn't kicked him in the balls yet so they must have been in the dark too. Nevertheless, the girls seemed to recognize that whatever had happened between the two, it must have been pretty bad if Kurt was the one slinking out of rooms instead of Finn.
Honestly, all Finn wanted was for things to go back to how they used to be. And yeah, granted things used to be pretty awkward, but even so. Finn would happily have taken awkward friendship and fumbling attempts at flirting over skittish acquaintances and a total inability to just stand still and talk to him, jesus christ.
So Finn had decided that perhaps he should talk to someone else about it. Kurt's friends were totally out of the picture because as soon as he explained it, he'd be staring down a bundle of rage and vengeance. Brittney wouldn't get it, nor would she be able to keep her mouth shut about it. Santana and Puck wouldn't care, and from Finn's experience, Matt and Mike's usual advice consisted of 'relax, it'll pass.' And as far as Finn could tell, it wasn't passing.
He had considered talking to Mr. Schuester but every time he thought about it, his next thought was the look he would see on his teacher's face. Horror, anger, and disappointment. And awhile Finn was pretty sure that he deserved it, he wasn't sure he could take it coming from yet another father figure.
And then he thought about Rachel.
Rachel would actually be willing to listen to the entire story and his reasoning and she was smart enough to help him fix this whole problem! More importantly, Rachel was friends with Kurt (insomuch as she was friends with anybody she considered competition) but wasn't especially close to him, which meant that she probably wouldn't kill Finn if only because it would ruin their shot at Regionals.
Finn had nodded to himself for his brilliant idea and immediately gone off to find the noisy diva. He had found her practicing in the chorus room, so he had shut the door, locked it, and sat down on the piano bench to tell her.
Using the word 'faggy' around Kurt was the absolute dumbest thing Finn had ever done in his entire life, bar none. He knew this for a fact. However he had come to realize that talking to Rachel about it was an extremely close second.
She never interrupts him and Finn hasn't looked at her for the entire explanation (which had started with Kurt setting their parents up and ended with Kurt dodging him in the hallways now) but when he finishes, he glances over and does a double take when he catches sight of her expression. An expression of barely contained fury and intense disappointment and above all else, a soul deep hurt that told Finn that Rachel more than empathized with Kurt.
"So he's not talking to you because you called him faggy," she hisses the word like it burns her to say it, "and you're surprised?"
"No!" Finn protests. "I'm not surprised. I just... I said I was sorry! I said it a lot! And I meant it, it was a crap thing to say and I was just mad at him about everything. And he knows that I didn't mean it so I don't know why we can't go back to how we were before."
Rachel shakes her head in disgust, "It's not going to go back to how it was before, Finn. Not ever. You can't just fix something like that with 'I'm sorry.'"
"Then how do I fix it?"
"You don't." Rachel says bluntly, "You can't. I don't think you really understand just how nasty of a word that is, Finn. What if you got into a fight with Mike tomorrow? A really mean one that just made you absolutely hate him and everything he does. In the middle of that fight, at your absolute angriest, would you call him a chink?"
Finn gapes at her, "No!"
"No, you wouldn't. It wouldn't even cross your mind. Because you know it's a terrible, terrible thing to say to someone. But you used fag on Kurt. So what if you were mad? Since when is anger an excuse? It's hate, no matter why you said it." Rachel's voice has gotten quiet which is actually scarier than if she had been yelling. It makes her sound like his mother and brings up the waves of crushing guilt that he'd been doing an okay job of ignoring.
"You don't seem to think that that word is as bad as racial epithets. That's because you've never had it spray painted on the side of your house, or gotten death threats in the middle of the night where they won't even call you by name, just by that word. You've never had to worry about going out alone at night for fear that you'll get jumped by people who think they're making the world a better place. My dads don't let me go anywhere past eight without a rape whistle and a can of mace. And I'm pretty willing to bet that Kurt's dad doesn't let him go out at all unless he's with someone else."
The words paint a picture in Finn's mind, and it's not a pretty one. "I shouldn't have said it. I know that. But I didn't mean it that way."
"You didn't have to. It still hurts to be reminded that there's a whole wide world out there that hates you for something you have no control over. There are worse towns than Lima out there. Towns where the only place gay kids end up is in the cemetery. And nobody investigates who or why or how, because nobody cares. You're somebody Kurt trusts, somebody he loves, and the list of people that Kurt cares about is a pretty short one. I should know, I'm not on it. But Kurt liked you because you were safe. You're the only guy around besides Artie who never slams him into lockers or cracks jokes about him. You calling him a fag? That was you crossing your name off that list for him.
"That is one piece of good news for you, I suppose" though the way Rachel says it makes Finn feel that whatever she's about to tell him probably isn't good news at all, "chances are you just utterly destroyed his crush on you. It's difficult to be in love with somebody who hates you."
"I do not hate Kurt." Finn snaps.
Rachel shrugs just a little too sharply for it to look indifferent, "But you don't like him." She holds up a hand to interrupt Finn who has kind of had it with being told how he feels. "I know you like Kurt. But he doesn't know that and you will never convince him of that with words. He thinks you barely tolerate him being around and that little outburst was just you telling him how you really feel."
Finn sighs and puts his head in his hands, elbows resting on the piano. "That's why he's avoiding me."
"Honestly if you had just told him right from the start that you weren't interested in him, you wouldn't be in this mess."
Finn turns to stare at Rachel incredulously.
"I'm serious. As far as I can tell, and correct me if I'm wrong here, you've never actually told Kurt to stop. I mean, not that he could just up and stop crushing on you by sheer willpower, but I'm pretty sure he would have stopped hitting on you if you had thought to ask him."
"What the hell was I supposed to do?"
"Are you deaf?" Rachel asks irritably, "I just said, ask him to stop. The same as you would if a girl was really interested in you but you didn't like her back. Just say no instead of completely ignoring it and hoping it goes away. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean he's going to sexually harass you."
Rachel gets up from the piano bench and grabs her bag off the floor. She still looks disappointed and angry, and Finn realizes that this is yet another relationship he may have permanently screwed up with his poor word choice. Rachel turns to leave but pauses at the door to look back at him.
"Just so you know, Finn? If I ever find out that you used that word again, whether to Kurt or anyone else, I'm telling Mercedes. And I will help her bury your body."
When Rachel sidles up to Kurt the next morning and slips her hand into his, he's understandably surprised and more than a little confused.
"Rachel Berry. To what do I owe this pleasure?" he drawls, narrowing his eyes at her suspiciously.
She ignores the look and smiles at him, more gently than her usual beaming grin. "Finn tells me you redecorated your room." Kurt freezes. "I'd like to hear about it."
Kurt shoots her a sharp look while looking around to make sure nobody is listening in on their conversation. "I don't know what you're -"
"Or," Rachel interrupts, "if you just need some tips or help with... decorating. You could try talking to my dads. You might not trust my judgment, but my dads might have some advice you could use."
"That's – It's not really – It was more..." Kurt's glare softens. He pauses and sighs, then looks her in the eye. "Thank you."
She hugs him in response (he doesn't hug her back, but he does pat her back hesitantly) and leaves just as Mercedes and Quinn round the corner because she's not sure they'll understand. If they notice Rachel leaving, they don't say anything.
Of course, they also don't say anything when they spot Rachel nabbing Kurt's cell phone long enough to program her dads' numbers into it so maybe they understand more than Rachel gives them credit for. For once, she's glad to be wrong.