A/N: This is the full length "smut" version of ch. 18 of my story "Glycerine." I know not everyone is into the the porny aspects of fanfic so to protect those of my readers who do not wish to venture into M terriority I have posted it here as a sepereate fic. Enjoy the smutty goodness!
"We never could get past that, could we?" Cullen mused, his hands idly tracing circles against Thais' wrist. To this day he still did not remember much of what transpired during his withdrawal, and the woman who had so graciously looked after him remained tight lipped on the details.
"Oh I think we got past it just fine, Chantry Boy," Thais replied wickedly, moving her hand so that their fingers could twine together.
"Not really," he said with a shrug. "Even with all that came after I couldn't see past what you were...and you refused to play act a woman who didn't exist."
"Don't turn maudlin on me," Thais chastised, gripping his hand tight and bringing it to her chest. "You're skipping ahead. That's bad story telling right there. You know what comes next, Cullen...I always did fancy a good climax." At her words she pressed lightly, forcing his fingers to splay open and rest firmly against the swell of her breast. Cullen felt his breathing hitch and his heart race. It was such an echo of the moment everything changed, that for a fraction of a second he could smell the crisp pines and frigid mountain air that surrounded that nameless cottage so long ago. Swallowing hard, he began to close the distance between them, unconsciously, and mostly because he was so tired of fighting. It was only when he caught the flash of smirking triumph pass over her face did he stop and hesitate. It wasn't the snow blanketing the ground that made him shiver, it was the cold hard stones of the tower...and it wasn't the wind whipping through pine boughs and hollow trunks that echoed around him, it was the screams of his fellow templars.
"No," he whispered, jerking away. Thais blinked at him, startled by his withdrawal and he gracelessly lept to his feet. Swaying and unsteady he strode away from the thing wearing his lover's face, running a hand over her his mouth as he cursed his foolishness for being so drawn in.
"Chantry Boy-" she started, voice edged with a hint of annoyance.
"Do not call me that!" he cried, spinning about. "That is not your term of endearment to give. Do not...twist the memory of her more than you already have."
"I have twisted nothing," the woman across from him said with a shrug. "Have I, Cullen? I am Thais, exactly as you remember her. How could I be anything but, when all I have are your sweet, remorseful memories to draw on?" Cullen shuddered as she drew close, running a finger gently across his cheek. "Perhaps I should leave, Chantry Boy...leave you bereft of her once more. It would make the wanting so much sweeter."
He blanched at the thought, though logically he should have been relieved. If the demon let go of the facade it would make it so much easier to resist, to focus his mind on faith and not fantasy. But he had already lost Thais once, and it had been a dismal and lonely eight months without her presence to haunt his every waking thought. Desperate as he was, he realized that the imitation standing before him had brought with it something he had been sorely missing. Even if it was a beautiful, damning lie, the idea of losing Thais once more shattered him and he shook his head fiercely.
"No," he breathed, the word fractured and full of shame. The demon smiled in triumph and leaned in once more to claim her victory. Cullen turned away and clenched his jaw, determined not to fall so far into damnation he would never find his way back.
"Finnish the story, Cullen," the demon beseeched in a husky voice
"Yes," he murmured, closing his eyes tight. "But there are only so many in ways in which I will allow myself to fall from grace...this is not one of them. I will take the memory of that day to my grave, and you shall never hear word of what we shared."
"Give me time, Chantry Boy. Have your delusions, but we both know how this story ends."
Cullen chuckled bitterly and smiled painfully in reply. The demon had no idea just how true her words rang.
~oOo~
Cullen arched his back as he raised his arms high above his head, shoulders popping and protesting as he worked the stiffness from his limbs. He had awoken that morning feeling nearly himself again, and he was eager to reclaim ownership of his body. For two days Thais had babied and bossed him about, easing his weary flesh and soul into recovery. His strength returned in increments, and the night previous his caretaker had deemed him fit enough to travel upon the morrow. Cullen had accepted the news with a joyful heart, though he was less than eager to continue their journey. He still dreaded what would become of Thais once they reached the circle, yes, but he was sick to death of being incapacitated by weakness and withdrawal, and the urge to move and have purpose sparked through his veins.
Glancing about he realized that Thais was not within the tiny confines of the cottage and he frowned in consternation. Where could she have gotten off to? True, the storm had ceased some days before, but it was still frigid and the world was blanketed in a snowy veil of white. Not exactly the most hospitable of conditions to take a mid morning stroll in. Unless...Cullen cursed his stupidity and hastily donned his armor. He couldn't blame her, not really, especially when he had made it perfectly clear that she was to suppress who she was. Perhaps his faith had finally pushed her to the breaking point and she had found the courage to do what any other mage in her position would have done long ago. It was sensible, and right in line with what he had been taught of her kind all along, but a part of him was angry, bitter and illogically angry. Why now? Why would she up and run after everything that had befallen them? If she had been able to put up with plagues and apostates and his twice damned duty, why would his offer of redemption send her running? Much as he had tried to deny it, Cullen was hurt that she would take her leave without so much as a goodbye to keep him company. He thought, foolishly, that he had meant more to her than that.
What plagued him further was what he was going to do about the situation. He knew it was his oath sworn duty to track her down, but if he caught her, what then? Somewhere in their strange and twisted journey they had lost the roles of prisoner and escort and instead had just been two people who couldn't quite figure out what they meant to each other Cullen knew with certainty that if Thais had indeed run away, his recapture of her would force them both back into those roles and they would never tease out the riddle of what they could have been. And yet he could not just let her go...for all she railed at him about forcing her to be something she wasn't, the very same applied to him. He was a Templar, through and through, and he believed deeply in what he had dedicated his life to. The Chantry had given him a home and purpose when he was young, raised him to be true and virtuous, and all they asked in return was his vow to uphold the law of the Maker and see the wicked punished He still held the tenants of his faith close, and if Thais had shown him that people are more complex than the Chantry gives them credit for, Maharette and her followers had shown that evil still lurked in the hearts of men and needed to be cowed.
Cursing under his breath, Cullen fitted the last clasp in place and angrily strode to the door, still at a loss for what he planned to do. Wrenching the creaking wood open he was saved from having to decide and simply stared in wonder at the sight before him.
She was lovely, and happier than he had ever seen her. Snow danced on air, the sparkling flakes twisting on currents of magic in a complex pattern of artistic beauty. And in the midst of this strange, mage-made storm, Thais twirled, arms held out and head thrown back, a serene and wholly at peace smile on her lips. Cullen felt himself let go of his anxiety and lean quietly against the threshold of the cottage, his arms folded across his chest as he watched. Another gust of otherworldly wind whipped down and Thais whooped as more fluffy white was blown upwards to dance about her head. It was his laugh that drew her attention and she turned about to face him, face flushed with cold and excitement.
"Look!" she cried happily, "And not one drop of nasty blood spilled to accomplish it. I'm quite proud of myself."
"Thought you couldn't cast the normal spells," Cullen replied, voice bemused and relaxed.
"I can, just not easily," she replied, turning her focus once more to the twisting and twining snow. "Don't you recognize this spell?" When he shook his head she rolled her eyes and spared him a wry glance. "Seriously? You spend your entire day looming over mages, and you mean to tell me you can't recognize one of the most basic and widely taught spells?"
"The templars are not there to audit your lessons, Thais," he countered sarcastically.
"Then what is it you do all blasted day?"
"Look after you. It is our sacred duty to protect and guide the mages, and as such we spend our day watching you."
"Is that so? And do you like what you see?" Thais whispered suggestively, giving her hips a slight wiggle. Cullen smiled, entranced by the way the snow flakes shimmered around her. She still wore that twice damned dress, and Cullen could not help but notice the way it clung to her curves.
"Very much," he said softly before he could stop himself. Even as his face flamed hot and crimson Thais stared at him in shock, her mouth gaping open. The currents of snow began to wobble and within seconds fell back to lay upon the ground, breaking her out of her stupefaction
"Damnit!" she hissed, shoulders slumping in defeat. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to cast that?"
"I thought-"
"You forget, Chantry Boy, unless I'm opening a vein or healing the sick, none of this comes easy to me. I wasn't lying when I said this was a basic spell...they teach it to children for Maker's sake. Something a four year old should be able to cast with less than a thought took me over an hour to get right!"
"Well, regardless of your age, it was stunning," he soothed and was graced with a quirk of her lips in reply.
"I just couldn't resist," she offered, still unsettled from his unexpected declaration. "Stuck in that drafty tower I've never really seen snow before, and I was too distracted by your condition to really pay it any mind"
"But it snows all the time," Cullen argued, "Just last winter it-"
"It is one thing to catch a glimpse of something through an arrow slit, it is quite another to feel it on your skin," she interrupted, her tone put out at his naivete "I've never seen snow, Chantry Boy, really seen it, and I wanted, just once, to make it dance before I was locked away again."
"Thais, I-" His words were cut off by a low growl emanating from the tree line. Cullen froze and peered into the murky depths of the forest, the scene obscured by a veil of pine boughs. "Thais," he said quietly and with caution, "very slowly, walk to me." Thais stiffened, suddenly on high alert at his words and nodded tightly. As she began to very delicately and purposefully stride towards him, Cullen caught three pairs of golden eyes flash out at him through the darkness of the forest. He didn't even have time to choke out a warning before the wolves sprang out from their cover, hackles raised and lips pulled back into viscous snarls. Thais screamed and stumbled to the ground as one nipped at her heels. The sound tore at something deep within Cullen and he ran to her aid, hauling the creature off her with his bare hands. The wolf snapped its jaws and flailed as it flew through the air, and Cullen drew his sword to meet the next attack. It was a blur of teeth and steel, the snow splattering crimson as man and beast fought for survival. He caught glimpses of Thais holding another wolf at bay with a large stick, but she was doing little more than irritating the creature and it pressed her farther and farther towards the trees. Gritting his teeth, Cullen doubled his efforts until two of the wolves lay dead at his feet, their blood steaming upon the frigid snow. Whirling about he made to go to Thais' aid, and cried out in horror as he watched the final wolf launch itself at her. His feet kicked up flurries of snow, his heart pounding even as his brain knew it was futile. Thais screamed and was swallowed from view by the massive beast. Cullen cried out in desperation, the sound full of grief and rage. It was only when he heard a high pitched whimper split the air and the wolf shudder in pain did he dare to hope. Falling to his knees beside them, he wrenched the creature away, eyes widening at the wood protruding from it's belly. Heart pounding he chanced a glance down at Thais, half lying on the ground, and sagged in relief to find her staring wild eyed at the dying wolf.
"Thais! Maker you're lucky," he panted, gripping her face in his hands. "I truly thought you-you...Thais, you're bleeding." It was only when he was convinced she was alive did he let himself take in the whole of what was before him. Her dress, so lovely and old fashioned was soaked through with sticky, dark blood along the left side of her torso. Cullen felt the world grind to a sudden and deadly halt, terrified that he had indeed been too late to save her.
"What? No I'm not-"
He ignored her protests and hastily cast his gauntlets to the side. Cullen was no healer, in fact new very little of medicine, but he had watched Thais over the past weeks and picked up little bits of knowledge that could possibly be of help.
"Don't move," he ordered, voice unsure and frightened. "I-I have to stop the bleeding. Right? That's what I'm supposed to do?"
"Cullen, I'm fine," She insisted, still confused as to his panicked state. Her words fell on deaf ears as his fingers fumbled to unlace her dress. "Cullen!" she shrieked but he brushed her interfering hands away. He needed to staunch the flow of blood, that much he knew, and as such he need to apply a healthy dose of pressure to the wound. When his fingers slipped beneath the fabric and brushed against her warm and flushed skin, she let out a breathy gasp and tried to arch away. Cullen ignored it all, focused on his task, but he drew concerned when after a few seconds of fumbled searching he could not find a single laceration upon her flesh. He was stilled by Thais gripping his wrist in her hands and coughing pointedly. When he flicked his eyes up to meet hers, he found her gazing at him in amusement, though a shadow of anticipation lurked behind the mirth.
"It's wolf blood, Cullen," she murmured softly. "Must have bled out when I ran him through. I'm quite fine."
"Oh," he breathed, feeling quite the idiot. Letting out a light chuckle he relaxed his hand, and felt his thumb, ever so gently graze against the swell of her breast. Thais inhaled sharply and both froze, so uncertain to be caught out in such a position. Cullen knew he should pull away, make some mumbling excuse for his behavior and leave her be, but something held him there, palm pressed flat to the curve of her ribcage, fingers so tantalizingly close to something he had yearned to explore. He had been trying to outrun his feelings for weeks now, drawing on his faith and vows as if they were a shield to be held between him and this bewitching woman. One small, forbidden, brush of flesh on flesh had such emotions overwhelming him, and he found there was no armor nor weapon left to him to fight them off.
Swallowing hard, Cullen held Thais' gaze as he slowly moved his thumb once more, earning him a gasping pant. With that one sound, he was undone, and crossed a forbidden line he had been toeing for quite some time. His fingers glided upwards, so light and tentative they left gooseflesh in their wake, and Thais' eyes grew glazed with desire with every inch crossed.
"Cullen," she gasped when his palm rasped against the peak of her nipple, "We shouldn't-"
He silenced her with a kiss, a tender, almost questioning brush of lips against hers. Cullen all to well remembered her cryptic tales about Edmund, and refused to be yet another Templar to push her into despair.
"Cullen," she whispered, her breath trembling against his skin. The two held each other's gazes, each waiting for the other to give in. it was as if by holding back, refusing to initiate, they could claim it was never their intention, blame the other when the inevitable fall out came crashing down upon them. Seconds ticked by, stretching into eternity as they waited. In the end it was Cullen who acted, his desire honed and sharp after a month of denying what he felt for the woman below him. When he brushed his thumb across the peak of her breast, feeling the way the small nub tightened beneath his touch, Thais let out a soft cry of pleasure and arched into him.
"You know there are no happy endings here," she murmured one last time in warning, even as her arms reached up to twine about his neck.
"Then we should take what ever happiness is afford us," he whispered in reply before harshly claiming her mouth with his own. Thais responded eagerly, parting her lips and accepting everything he offered her. They kissed as if they were drowning in one another, desperate and eager, small noises of need emanating from deep within their souls. Neither could seem to get enough, their hands pulling at armor and cloth in and effort to expose flesh and explore. When Cullen tore at Thais' dress, exposing the soft curve of her shoulder she gasped in icy surprise and he regained enough of himself to remember their surroundings. Growling in frustration he slid his arms beneath her and pulled her upwards, cradling her against his chest. Even as he carried her back to the cottage he continued to kiss and explore, nipping at her bottom lip in promise. A dam had broken inside him and he was unable to stop the driving need that pulsed through his veins. He would have this woman who had laid claim to his heart, a woman who was a walking, breathing, infuriating temptation; he would have every part of her, because he needed to, needed to know if she was worth the damnation their union promised.
Once safely inside the cottage Cullen kicked the door closed as he set Thais upon her feet, hands moving to cage her face as he kissed her deeply. They broke apart in breathless wonder and Thais gazed upon with hooded, pleasure drunk eyes. How he wished he could know what thoughts were flickering in her gaze, wondering if she felt the same all consuming desire that had plagued him for weeks. She licked her lips as her delicate fingers began to unclasp his armor, the sound of each click shooting straight though him and making him shiver. He was suddenly all too aware of his naivete when it came to love, having never truly been with a woman. Worries of inadequacy and disappoint filled his head and he stilled her hands over the last clasp, a preemptive apology on his lips.
"You know I've never done this before," he whispered softly, refusing to meet her gaze. "Whatever you are expecting, I'm not sure-" Thais silenced him with a fierce and dizzying kiss, reigniting his lust and pushing such thought to the back of his mind.
"Don't worry, Chantry Boy," she murmured wickedly, working the last clasp free and letting the metal fall to the floor, "I'll guide you through the curves."
Hearing the pet name upon her lips had him growling, wanting to be more to her than a bumbling, naive tool of his faith. He pulled her close, crushing her to his bare chest and tilted her head back to meet his gaze.
"Cullen," he insisted and she smiled lazily, the expression promising dark and seductive deeds.
"Cullen," she breathed, making every syllable of his name sound wicked and naughty. It was his undoing and he reclaimed her mouth with renewed desire, his hands ripping at her clothing in an effort to remove any barrier that parted them.
When the green brocade of the dress lay in tatters on the ground he parted from her, needing to see every bit of her in this moment. His hazel eyes roamed over every plane of her body, taking in the way one soft curve spilled into another. She was the loveliest creature he had ever seen, and he knew, with certainty, that the image of her bare and beautiful would be imprinted upon his mind forever.
Thais gently placed her palm upon his chest and began to push, backing him into the trestle table until he was forced to sit. Smiling softly she took his hand and pressed it against the swell of her breast, hesitating only briefly before leading it on a tantalizing trail down. When his fingers brushed past her belly her breathing hitched and she stilled their progress, staring hard at him.
"Last chance," she murmured, "there's no going back after this." Cullen said nothing and continued along the teasing path until his fingers slid between her thighs. He stared in wonder at her face as her violet eyes closed and she shivered in pleasure. Encouraged by her reaction he began to explore, gliding against her folds, noting when her breathing hitched and her skin grew flush. When his thumb brushed against the sensitive nub at the apex of her opening Thais cried out, head thrown back. Grinning in triumph he repeated the action, earning him a throaty moan of pleasure and he began to work her in earnest. With every stroke he could feel her growing wetter and his fingers became slick with her pleasure. Thais encouraged and even begged him to continue, her breathing labored and her hips bucking against his hand. When he slipped a finger inside her, she came apart, screaming his name as her body quaked and she was forced to hold onto his shoulders lest her legs give out from under her. Cullen froze and stared at her in wonder, completely awed that he was responsible for so great a reaction.
When her breathing quieted and she regained control of herself once more, Thais smiled and rolled her pleasure drunk eyes to meet his gaze.
"You're quite wonderful for a novice," she whispered, nipping at his lower lip, "I can only imagine the things you could do with some experience." Cullen chuckled bashfully, the sound deteriorating into a strangled gasp as her nimble hands began to untie and pull at his greeves and skirt. She made quick work of it, and when her fingers delved beneath his breeches, brushing against the hardness of his length every rational thought in his mind fled.
"Maker," he panted, jerking when she wrapped her hand around him with a playful squeeze.
"It's only polite that I return the favor," she whispered into his ear. As her fingers began to explore and tease with feather light strokes he let out a breathy curse and closed his eyes. "Such language," Thais chided playfully and he answered her with a moan of pleasure. How long she tortured him, he did not know, so focused was he on the maddening pleasure her strong, sure strokes afforded him. When he felt something insistent and warm spreading through his body he gasped and stilled her ministrations Thais grinned in understanding and gently pushed him back, forcing him to lay upon the hard wood of the table.
Even with all that they had done, Cullen still felt a twinge of unease flow through him. What came before was damning enough, but this...to truly join in carnal union was expressly forbidden. Even Thais knew it, and he saw her hesitate only briefly before gently straddling his hips. As soon as her heat pressed against him he forgot all about taboos and restrictions and fully gave in to his base needs. Thais leaned down, kissing him gently even as she raised her hips and poised herself above his length. Holding his gaze she lowered herself slowly, and Cullen cried out as her slick, pulsing heat enveloped him.
It was like nothing he had ever felt or dreamed of in his entire existence. It was maddening and perfect, much like the woman poised above him. When Thais began to move, her hips rocking a slow and steady rhythm he groaned and arched his pelvis up to meet hers. A surprised and shuddering gasp burst from her lips and she braced her palms upon his chest and began to ride him in earnest. Cullen gripped her hips tight and met each of her thrusts with one of his own, marveling at how tight her sheath squeezed him with every stroke. He had thought he would be clumsy, uncertain, but in that moment, the two of them moving against one other in harmony, he felt as if he would never find a more perfect place in the world that buried deep inside her, her essence surrounding and pervading each of his senses. Vows and blood and circles and chantries faded away until all that was left was this woman above him, her eyes half closed as she lost herself in pleasure; pleasure he had given her.
When her motions became frantic, and she whispered his name in a breathless gasp of air Cullen groaned and slammed his hips upward, wanting once more to see her shatter into climax. With every stroke her walls tightened around him, teasing him and pushing him to the brink of something large and overwhelming. He felt it spiral up and outward, demanding to be set free, and with a harsh declaration, he let it go, spilling himself deep inside her.
"I love you," he cried out unthinkingly, too swept up in the sensation that burst across his skin. He saw her eyes widen at the words, even as her own orgasm gripped her, her walls clenching and pulsing against his length, sending further bolts of pleasure shooting up his spine.
Thais collapsed upon his chest when it was over, wrung out and shocked beyond all words. Cullen wrapped his arms about her slender frame, holding her close and mentally kicking himself for what he had inadvertently confessed to. Neither of them dared speak while the tide of spent pleasure receded from their limbs, afraid to break the fragile spell that had woven around their stolen moment. At last Thais shifted, propping her chin against his chest and looked at him with caged and wary eyes.
"You love me?" she questioned, voice soft and guarded. Cullen hesitated, unsure as to what answer she could possibly desire in that moment. He remembered all too well their night at camp, when she had adamantly refused to fall victim to the trap of love, and he knew that when she offered him her body she had not offered him her heart in the bargain. But he had already moved far beyond what he'd ever dreamed of succumbing too, and he was too damned tired to fight another battle of wills. Letting out a resigned sigh he set his shoulders and nodded.
When she said nothing in return, he held his breath and waited.