Mac's Apartment
0200 local time
The glow of the streetlight danced through the blinds of Mac's apartment, casting odd shadows across the wall. She sat on the sofa, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, a blanket draped over her shoulders for warmth. Mac shivered and released her grip on her legs long enough to pull the blanket around her. The chill that went through her body refused to release her from its clutch.
Sleep eluded her, as it had since her return from the Seahawk. Every time she closed her eyes, the image of those events haunted her. Mac thought that once home, in her own place, she could find peace. But like sleep, it too was no where to be found.
The soft chiming of the clock on her mantle jarred her from her trance, reminding her that it was two o'clock in the morning, as if she didn't know that.
The last week had been hell. She relived each moment over and over in her mind. But the most vivid memory was Harm's grief and pain.
Mac closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would finally claim her but all she saw was Harm keeping watch outside sickbay while the medical team worked feverishly to stabilize Bud before they transferred him. The adrenaline pumping through her body allowed her to fight all instinct to curl up in a ball and cry. She was a marine, goddammit, and she needed to be strong for Harm, for Harriet. The pain she felt he wore on his face. The anguish in his voice, pleading with the doctor to do all he could to save Bud, tore at her heart. She knew all too well what Harm was thinking "it could have been either one of us". Mac remembered staying by his side, focusing on comforting her grief-stricken best friend. She couldn't speak to him; her voice failed her. Instead, she gripped his hand, taking his pain and burying it deep inside her. Mac stroked his hair, his neck, his face, feeling his tears on her fingertips-five days later she could still feel them.
She remembered the last time she saw him this distraught-the day they were in Russia and he found out through her translation that his father, after surviving Vietnam and many years in KGB control, had died saving a woman from her would-be assailants. Now this happened to Bud. Not denying that Sergei was his brother by blood, Bud Roberts was more like family to Harm. He and Mac were God-parents to their only child. They stood by Bud and Harriet when they lost Baby Sarah. But this-they are lawyers-this isn't supposed to happen to lawyers; this isn't supposed to happen to them.
Suddenly the image of she and Harm in the desert came crashing into her memory-the humvee accident, Harm being thrown from the vehicle, the butterfly land mine, her little trick with the ammo box to save Harm-Mac felt dizzy as the visions of that day swirled in her mind.
"Stop! Stop! STOP!!" Mac howled, bringing her hands to the sides of her head trying to stop the pain. Her cries that broke the eerie silence were echoing off the apartment walls.
Throwing off the blanket Mac jumped from the couch as if it were on fire. She began pacing the room; finally giving in to her pent up pain, finally allowing her tears to consume her. In her anguish something caught her eye- the picture of she and Harm holding baby AJ. Mac grasped it from its place on her mantle and clutched it to her heart. Almost immediately she sank to her knees on the floor, her body weak from emotion. "Oh, Harm," she sobbed "thank God it wasn't us, thank God it wasn't you." Mac lay on the floor, drained physically and emotionally, yet still clutching the photo. Sleep finally overcame her-exhaustion had won the battle of painful memories. The chimes from the mantle clock announced 3 AM, but it could not arouse the marine from her dreamless sleep.
~~~~ Harm's apartment 0300 local time
Harm slept fitfully. Long days spent at the hospital with Harriet, and his workload at JAG, resulted in short nights sleep, often interrupted by dreams too vivid to allow him any further rest. This night was no different. Again plagued by the memory of events in Afghanistan, Harm awoke with a start. In his mind he heard a woman scream, but it was so real-almost as if she were in his apartment. Throwing back the covers he shivered. Harm padded over to the chair and retrieved a Navy t-shirt that was there and slipped it on.
Silently in the dark apartment, he went to the window and moved the blinds to look out, praying that the scream didn't come from outside. No one was around except for a lone cat crossing the street, probably in search of food.
Harm returned the blinds to their closed position but couldn't shake the feeling that the scream meant something. Turning on the light Harm searched for the time-0300. No sense in trying to go back to sleep now, he thought.
Since Bud had been brought to Bethesda, Harm made a point every morning to be at the hospital early so he could catch the surgeon making his rounds. He owed it to Harriet to be there for her-to support her. Her parents were staying with her to watch AJ. So every morning at 0530 sharp, he was there to pick her up and drive her to the hospital. He'd stay with her while the surgeons and their entourage would give her a status report. He made sure she had full understanding of what was going on, staying long enough to confirm she was OK, stop in briefly to see Bud-even though he was still unconscious, and then head into work for 0900.
Even though it was still early, Harm thought a run would probably help take his mind off things. Going into his bedroom, Harm slipped on a pair of sweats and his running shoes. Grabbing his keys and the cell phone he headed out the door.
Harm pulled his SUV into the empty parking lot at the park. Good. I'm the only one here, probably the only one stupid enough to run alone at this hour, Harm thought, locking the car door and doing a few stretches. Truth be told, he actually welcomed the solitude. His mind had been swimming, no, drowning with thoughts of all that had happened of late.
The crisp early morning air filled his lungs as he began his run. He silently wished that Mac were here to share the morning run with-her presence always had a way of soothing him. Those days preceding Bud's accident, he and Mac often shared workout sessions. He enjoyed her company. He felt lost now that they had returned to the States. Lately both their days were spent either at JAG or at Bethesda with Harriet. They took turns staying with her or sitting with Bud while she got some rest. Their time together consisted of a passing hello in the hospital or missed messages at JAG. He truly missed her; he longed to have a quiet moment with her to thank her for being there with him, comforting him during the early moments following Bud's injury. He leaned on her so much that he forgot that she was hurting too.
Harm had returned to the SUV and glanced at his watch-0430-I'd better get back and start getting ready to get Harriet, he thought. Sliding into the vehicle, his phone rang.
"Rabb" he answered, slightly winded from his run.
"Sir---Harm, it's Harriet."
"Is everything OK?"
"Yes-things are fine. I called your apartment and there wasn't an answer so I tried your cell phone-I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time"
"No-I just finished my run-what can I do for you?"
"I just wanted to let you know that Mikey will be taking me in today. Since it's Saturday, I thought you'd like a break"
Harm was so caught up in everything, the days of the week slipped by, "Saturday-I forgot what day it was. Are you sure? I could . . . "
Harriet stopped him "Harm, you're exhausted too, and you've done so much for us I couldn't ask you to give up your Saturday. Please, get some rest. Mikey would like to spend some time with Bud anyway. I promise to call if there is any change."
"OK-what about tomorrow?"
"We've got that covered-I will call you later. I need to finish getting ready so we can leave"
"Take care Harriet, I'll talk to you later" Harm ended the call.
Placing the key in the ignition Harm thought that this would be a good day to get together with Mac-maybe some breakfast or just spend the day together might be what they both need to soothe each others souls.
Knowing she was an early riser, Harm dialed her number, after 4 rings the machine picked up-rather than leave a message that might get missed he dialed her cell phone and got her voice mail as well.
Harm was now concerned-it was unlike her to let either phone go unanswered, especially during this crisis. He hoped that maybe she was in the shower and didn't hear the phone. I should take a ride by; just to be sure she's OK, Harm thought, quickly heading his SUV in the direction of Mac's apartment.
Pulling up in front of her apartment, her car was parked where it always was. He exited his car and ran up the stairs. He knocked on the door, gently at first, then a little louder. When there wasn't a response, he used his key. He slowly opened the door, finding the room dark. "Mac? Time to get up, Marine" he called out to her, now wondering if she decided to sleep in and he was making a big deal out of nothing. She's going to kick my six if I've disturbed her. As his eyes adjusted, he could make out a shape on the floor next to the fireplace.
"Mac!" He called out to her, rushing to her side. Harm dropped to his knees, cradling her head in his lap. He saw what appeared to be a picture in her hands-he turned it over to see the image of them, smiling and happy with AJ. He pulled her closer to him, pressing his lips to her temple.
"Mac . . . . Sarah" he whispered into her hair. He touched her face and she began to stir. Thank God he thought.
"Harm, what's going on" Mac said trying to make out her surroundings. "It's. . . " She hesitated, briefly unsure what time it was, "it's 0510. What are you doing here?"
"I tried to call you and got no answer-I was worried"
She sat up, Harm's arm still around her shoulder. "I must have fallen asleep here on the floor" she said, slowly recalling in her mind how she got there. A pained expression crossed her face as she tried to stand.
"Ow! Head hurts a little-I've got some headache from sleeping on the floor"
"Don't get up-here, just rest against me" Harm said, encircling her with his arms.
"No, really, I'm alright" Mac said, pulling away from him and standing, still a bit unsteady on her feet. Catching her bearings, Mac walked over to the couch and sat down, picture still in her hands.
"Mac, talk to me, tell me what's wrong"
"Nothing. I'm fine-just really tired. I guess it all caught up with me" Mac said, distractedly fingering the metal frame of the picture.
Harm noticed her uneasiness and strode over to the couch. Sitting next to her, he took the picture from her hands.
"That was a beautiful day, wasn't it?" he said, setting the picture on the table in front of them.
"That was a long time ago, before . . . ." Mac's voice trailed off. She made a move to get off the couch. Harm grasped her arm and gently said, "Please, don't-stay here with me, talk to me."
Mac stammered, "No . . . I . . . uh . . . ", unable to find the words, she sat back down next to him.
"Harm, I'm really tired. Look, can we do this another day?" she said, running her hands through her hair. Bringing them to her cheeks, she buried her face in them and began to cry softly. Instinctively, Harm wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in his warm embrace. Without a word, he knew what she was feeling-it was everything he felt that moment on the Seahawk when he found out about Bud. Harm held her while she cried, soothingly stroking her hair, comforting her silently, just like she had done for him on the Seahawk.
An hour later, Harm eventually felt her sobs give way to the steady breathing of a woman deep in sleep. Not wanting her to be uncomfortable on the couch, he lifted her gently and carried her to her bed. Tenderly, he laid her down.
She began to stir as he pulled the covers over her, "Harm?"
"Shhhh, I'm right here, Sarah. I'm not going anywhere." Drowsily, she reached her hand out to him. Understanding her, Harm slid into bed next to her, taking her into his arms.
"Love you" she mumbled into her pillow.
"I love you too Sarah", Harm whispered, settling in next to her, pulling her close, knowing that sleep had consumed her without her hearing his declaration. Holding her, Harm gave in to sleep as well-both safe in the arms of love.
~~~~ Mac's Apartment 1630 local time
The afternoon sun slowly crept into the window, making her realize that she'd truly slept all day, with the exception of the last 17 minutes. She had silently slipped from the warmth of the bed and Harm's arms-not quite sure what to make of the situation, but comforted by his presence, nonetheless. Don't read into it she scolded herself.
Resigned to the fact that the day was soon to be a distant memory, Mac silently padded to the kitchen with one goal in mind-coffee. She swiftly prepared a pot, careful not to make it too strong otherwise Harm would find it revolting. She smiled to herself remembering the look on his face the last time he had her "bad coffee".
The late afternoon sun filtering through the blinds made the carpet warm beneath the window, its glow casting shadows on the floor and walls. Moving to the window, Mac gently opened the blinds, allowing the lingering daylight to fill the room. In the silence she heard him stir in her bed. Mac closed her eyes remembering what it was like to wake next to him, being wrapped in the warmth of his body. She allowed herself to get lost in the thought of him, still feeling his embrace in her daydream. It felt like home to her.
Mac returned to the kitchen and retrieved her coffee; wrapping her hands around the mug and eagerly sipping the hot fluid, murmuring "thank goodness for caffeine".
Returning to the living room, Mac took the picture from the table, her gaze meeting that of the smiling couple in its frame. To be that happy again she wished, and placed it back on the mantle where it belonged. She briefly remembered her anguish from earlier that morning. Now, 10 hours later, after some much needed sleep, and some unexpected comfort from Harm, her thoughts were becoming clearer. Where is this all going? This changes everything Mac thought, not sure who she was thinking about-Bud and Harriet, or, dare she say it, she and Harm?
"Penny for your thoughts" a sleepy voice came from behind her.
The sound of Harm's voice brought Mac back to reality. "Good morning, sleepyhead, or should I say good afternoon? Didn't think you'd ever get up." She turned to meet his gaze, finding him standing behind her, still in his sweats, hair tousled and looking incredible, just as he was in all of her dreams.
"How can I sleep with the aroma of coffee surrounding me? And you," he paused taking in the sight of her. Regrouping, he continued, "and you opened all the blinds, kinda makes it hard to sleep in all this daylight."
Mac laughed, "You'd sleep your life away if you could", she said, walking into the kitchen. Grabbing another mug, she poured Harm some coffee and handed it to him.
"A guy could get used to this" he said, his fingers brushing hers as he took the mug from her hand. Their brief connection sent an electrical charge through their bodies. Mac met his gaze and slowly pulled her hand back. Harm brought the mug to his lips, pleasantly surprised that her coffee tasted good, for once, "not bad" he commented. Turning to the coffee maker, she took her mug and poured another cup, yawning.
"I can't believe we slept so long-is it still Saturday?" she laughed.
"It's good to hear you laugh, Mac. A lot has happened lately and I think it has taken its toll on both of us. Sleep was what we both needed."
Turning back towards him she began, "Harm . . . . " but Mac took one look at his face, those beautiful eyes, and lost her train of thought.
"There is still a lot that we both need, Sarah." Harm finished her thoughts. "All that has happened to Bud has made me realize what we could have lost had it been one of us. I don't want to let things go unsaid or undone anymore." The sound of her given name on his lips caused Mac to tremble slightly.
Harm crossed the kitchen floor to where Mac was standing. He set his mug on the counter and likewise did the same with hers. Gently, Harm pulled her into his arms. Mac's arms wrapped around Harm's waist immediately. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. They stood in her kitchen, clinging to one another, saving each other from drowning in the heartache that now filled their lives.
Harm was the first to break the embrace. He cupped her face with his hand, "We'll get through this-together-I promise"
Mac smiled softly, but in her eyes Harm could still see the pain and anguish she harbored in her soul.
Rather than delve into that dark abyss now, Harm moved her focus to other things of importance-food. "When was the last time you ate anything? I know I could use a meal, how about you?"
Suddenly Mac realized that her problems kept Harm from his commitment to Harriet, "Oh my God, Harm, what about Harriet? You usually take Harriet to the hospital and now . . . . "
Harm placed his finger on her lips to silence her, "It's all taken care of Mac, don't worry. This weekend is about us-we need to heal too. Now, what about that meal?"
Mac nodded and said, "I thought you'd never ask" briefly grateful the subject was changed.
"My marine-always hungry! While you shower, I'll grab my sea-bag from the car-I have a change of clothes in there." Harm leaned towards Mac and kissed her forehead. "When you're done, I'll shower and then we can decide on dinner."
Mac watched as Harm grabbed his keys and headed out the door to retrieve his bag, wondering what she did to deserve such an amazing best friend. Best friend-what else would I call him-God-send, no better yet-hero Mac silently mused, as she headed into the bathroom, unsure where it was all going, but hoping-no, knowing-it was with Harm.
~~~~ Same place 1720 local time
Mac was finishing straightening the kitchen when Harm called to her from the bedroom, "I'm just about ready, Mac".
"I thought we'd just stay in, Harm. We could get take-out", Mac replied, unsure she really wanted to do anything, except stay in.
Harm came from the bedroom, buttoning his shirt as he walked into the living room. "I think we both need to get out, Mac. Some fresh air will do us good."
"But, what if Harriet needs us . . . ."
Harm touched her shoulder, "She knows to reach me on my cell phone." He paused before adding, "Come on Mac, it's just a quick bite to eat not a trip around the world."
Mac nodded her agreement and grabbed her purse before following him out the door.
~~~ Downtown Washington DC 1755 local time
The short drive into the city was quiet, except for the radio. Mac kept fiddling with the channels trying to find something appealing, finally settling on a country song she recognized.
And I need you to know You can fall into me That my arms are wide open And will always be Right here waiting, staying, strong Come and fall into me
I'll follow any road Anywhere to get to you I'll open up my soul If that's what you need me to do Now baby it's your move All you got to do is Believe in love Just believe in us
Listening to the words she became uncomfortable and changed the channel again, finally deciding that it was best turned off. Harm eyed her nervousness, unsure if it was because of him or the situation with Bud, most likely both. They were both preoccupied with thoughts of the Roberts', but there was nothing that either of them could do at this venture. Harm thought he was moving in the right direction with the distraction of an evening out, even if it wasn't anything fancy, but suddenly he wasn't so sure. He almost decided to turn the car around since Mac seemed so uneasy, but stuck to his initial plan.
The early evening sun spread its reddish-orange hue on the city, making the Capital glow in its presence as they drove past.
"Harm, where are we going? You know, pizza would have been perfectly fine."
"I know, but we always get pizza", he replied, making it sound like it was part of some routine they shared.
Harm pulled into the parking lot next to the National Aquarium.
"This better not be your idea of dinner-I'm not going to have to catch it, am I?" Mac said, looking at the building in front of her.
"Very funny, Mac. The restaurant is up the street. There isn't any parking by the place, this is probably as good as it's going to get."
"Lead the way, Sailor" she said as they both slipped out of the SUV. Harm took her hand in his and they quickly crossed the street before the light changed.
A short walk later they were standing in front of Les Halles on Pennsylvania Avenue, in the heart of Downtown Washington DC. The sidewalk terrace was bustling with diners and wait staff, the aroma of grilling steak filling the air. Harm moved through the terrace to the hostess, "Reservation for Rabb" he announced to Mac's surprise.
"When did you call? I don't remember you doing that."
"I'm a resourceful lawyer, remember?" He smiled, "I called when I went out to the car to get my bag."
"Resourceful or sneaky?" Mac said out of Harm's earshot.
The hostess escorted them to their seat inside the steakhouse, offering menus as they sat down. Mac took in her surroundings-the décor was charming French country. Most of the guests we dressed in typical Saturday- evening-casual, definitely a "local" type of restaurant, hardly touristy, to her relief.
Her curiosity took over, wondering how Harm came to find this eatery. "Harm, this place is great. . . . have you been here before?" Mac cautiously asked, taking a sip of ice water, worried where the conversation would lead.
Knowing what she was thinking, Harm was quick to assure her, "This is the first time I've been here. Les Halles is French for The Market. Sturgis told me about it a while back. The name stuck with me and I thought it would be interesting to come here. It's steak with a French flair-just call it adventure in dining!"
Mac laughed at his attempt at humor. "Really, Mac, that's what the menu says!" Harm chuckled. He reached across the table and took her hand, intertwining their fingers, his expression turning serious. "Sarah, I'm glad we're here together. I know you're worried about Bud, so am I, but I'm also worried about us. We are both devastated by the accident, but we can't neglect ourselves either. Let's have a nice evening together-dinner, maybe a walk afterward. If you want to talk, we can. Or you can listen while I talk. Whatever you want, just trust me."
"I just feel guilty that we're here having a good time while he's lying there in the hospital in critical condition-it just doesn't seem fair, or right."
"Mac, believe me when I say that the doctors have it all under control- there is nothing that we can do except wait and pray for the best. Besides, this isn't a good time-it's therapy-for our souls." Harm searched her face, hoping to see the worry fade away. A soft smile warmed her face and reflected in her eyes, giving Harm reason enough to know that he was beginning to bridge that abyss of pain they both felt.
Changing direction of the conversation, "Now, I know I saw some vegetarian dishes on this menu somewhere. I can guess pretty accurately that you're going to have the steak, right?"
"It's not Beltway Burgers, but I guess it will do" she added, watching a bemused expression fill his handsome face.
~~~
1925 local time Les Halles Restaurant
Dinner was filled with small-talk about their current caseload, both of them avoiding any more discussion of the events in Afghanistan. The waitress finished clearing the last of their dinner plates. Declining dessert, Harm requested the check, and then quickly paid before Mac could object.
"I guess this makes it a date since you paid" she said, weaving her way through the tables, Harm following closely behind her as they exited the restaurant.
"It's been a date all along, Mac. Come on, let's go for that walk" he said taking her hand in his as they walked south on 10th Street, crossing Constitution Avenue and into the National Mall. Mac was in awe of the sight of the buildings surrounding them. It was like she was seeing them for the first time-the National Archives, the Capital to the east, the Washington Monument to the west. The Mall was familiar to both of them-The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was at the west end of the park, facing the setting sun, a place of comfort for Harm.
They continued their walk together, hand in hand, silently. Reaching the Reflecting Pool, Harm motioned for Mac to sit on one of the benches. Sliding in next to her, he put his arm around her shoulders. Mac nestled in next to him, taking his hand in hers, watching the setting sun dance on the water. Mac knew what she wanted to say to him, but opted to play with his class ring instead, not wanting to ruin the peaceful moment. It was the first time in days she felt any sort of peace. She wanted to remember what it felt like in case it was a fleeting moment.
"Mac" Harm began, "I never did thank you for being there for me back on the Seahawk, when we found out about Bud. I am so grateful that you were there with me. I could not have made it through that moment without you."
Mac looked at him surprised, "I should be the one thanking you, Harm. You where there for me when I needed you most. I didn't realize it until after we came home from Afghanistan how close I came to losing you. It all came crashing down around me last night. I was hurting so much-the thought of losing you . . . . " Mac's voice drifted off as tears threatened to fall.
Harm turned Mac to face him. Taking her face in his hands, "But you didn't lose me. I'm here, Sarah. I will always be here for you. We have to move past the could-have-been's and look to the future. " Harm slowly moved in and kissed Mac softly on her lips.
He pulled away from her, pausing to take a breath before going on, "I told you before I don't want to let things go unsaid or undone anymore. We could sit here and analyze every lost moment from the last two years, but I don't want us to look back at our mistakes and missteps anymore. What happened to Bud was unfortunate, an accident. Bud will move through this crisis with Harriet at his side. We need to move through this as well-side by side. A team, just like we've been, only better. We will be there to support them and support each other."
Not used to being so verbose, he hoped his musings were not lost on her. Harm's voice fell silent as he watched her absorb his words. Saving the best for last Harm whispered breathlessly, "Sarah, I love you. And I will not let another day go by without telling you that. I promise."
"I love you" Mac whispered through her tears. Harm pulled her close to him, lifting her face so he could look into her eyes before capturing her mouth with his. Coming up for air Harm said smiling, "I know-it seems you like to talk in your sleep."
Mac laughed as Harm wiped the tears from her face. She bridged the distance between them and kissed him once more. The ringing of Harm's cell phone interrupted them.
A tad irritated Harm barked "Rabb" into the cell phone.
"Harm, its Harriet. I have great news-Bud's awake!"
Irritation soon became elation, "Harriet! That's great news"
"I can't talk long, I want to get back to Bud. I tried getting Mac but there wasn't an answer . . . "
"She's right here with me. I'll tell her for you, if you don't mind. Take care, Harriet."
Startled by the call, Mac looked at Harm, puzzled, "What's wrong?" she asked as he clicked off the phone.
"Bud's awake-he's out of the coma" the exuberance hard to miss in his voice and in his touch as he hugged her tightly.
"That's wonderful news! We should go over there now," Mac said, standing up, "Bethesda is only a short drive from here."
Harm remained seated and grasped her hand, pulling her back to the bench, "No, they need some time alone. They have a lot to deal with right now. We can stop by tomorrow, when they're both feeling like having company."
Mac started to protest again, but was soon resigned to the fact she wouldn't win this one. Harm was right, after all; although she would never tell him that.
"Besides, we aren't done with our therapy yet, Marine."
Settling in next to each other once more, they watched the street lights come on, one by one, content to sit there as long as it takes to watch a new day dawning.
The glow of the streetlight danced through the blinds of Mac's apartment, casting odd shadows across the wall. She sat on the sofa, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, a blanket draped over her shoulders for warmth. Mac shivered and released her grip on her legs long enough to pull the blanket around her. The chill that went through her body refused to release her from its clutch.
Sleep eluded her, as it had since her return from the Seahawk. Every time she closed her eyes, the image of those events haunted her. Mac thought that once home, in her own place, she could find peace. But like sleep, it too was no where to be found.
The soft chiming of the clock on her mantle jarred her from her trance, reminding her that it was two o'clock in the morning, as if she didn't know that.
The last week had been hell. She relived each moment over and over in her mind. But the most vivid memory was Harm's grief and pain.
Mac closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would finally claim her but all she saw was Harm keeping watch outside sickbay while the medical team worked feverishly to stabilize Bud before they transferred him. The adrenaline pumping through her body allowed her to fight all instinct to curl up in a ball and cry. She was a marine, goddammit, and she needed to be strong for Harm, for Harriet. The pain she felt he wore on his face. The anguish in his voice, pleading with the doctor to do all he could to save Bud, tore at her heart. She knew all too well what Harm was thinking "it could have been either one of us". Mac remembered staying by his side, focusing on comforting her grief-stricken best friend. She couldn't speak to him; her voice failed her. Instead, she gripped his hand, taking his pain and burying it deep inside her. Mac stroked his hair, his neck, his face, feeling his tears on her fingertips-five days later she could still feel them.
She remembered the last time she saw him this distraught-the day they were in Russia and he found out through her translation that his father, after surviving Vietnam and many years in KGB control, had died saving a woman from her would-be assailants. Now this happened to Bud. Not denying that Sergei was his brother by blood, Bud Roberts was more like family to Harm. He and Mac were God-parents to their only child. They stood by Bud and Harriet when they lost Baby Sarah. But this-they are lawyers-this isn't supposed to happen to lawyers; this isn't supposed to happen to them.
Suddenly the image of she and Harm in the desert came crashing into her memory-the humvee accident, Harm being thrown from the vehicle, the butterfly land mine, her little trick with the ammo box to save Harm-Mac felt dizzy as the visions of that day swirled in her mind.
"Stop! Stop! STOP!!" Mac howled, bringing her hands to the sides of her head trying to stop the pain. Her cries that broke the eerie silence were echoing off the apartment walls.
Throwing off the blanket Mac jumped from the couch as if it were on fire. She began pacing the room; finally giving in to her pent up pain, finally allowing her tears to consume her. In her anguish something caught her eye- the picture of she and Harm holding baby AJ. Mac grasped it from its place on her mantle and clutched it to her heart. Almost immediately she sank to her knees on the floor, her body weak from emotion. "Oh, Harm," she sobbed "thank God it wasn't us, thank God it wasn't you." Mac lay on the floor, drained physically and emotionally, yet still clutching the photo. Sleep finally overcame her-exhaustion had won the battle of painful memories. The chimes from the mantle clock announced 3 AM, but it could not arouse the marine from her dreamless sleep.
~~~~ Harm's apartment 0300 local time
Harm slept fitfully. Long days spent at the hospital with Harriet, and his workload at JAG, resulted in short nights sleep, often interrupted by dreams too vivid to allow him any further rest. This night was no different. Again plagued by the memory of events in Afghanistan, Harm awoke with a start. In his mind he heard a woman scream, but it was so real-almost as if she were in his apartment. Throwing back the covers he shivered. Harm padded over to the chair and retrieved a Navy t-shirt that was there and slipped it on.
Silently in the dark apartment, he went to the window and moved the blinds to look out, praying that the scream didn't come from outside. No one was around except for a lone cat crossing the street, probably in search of food.
Harm returned the blinds to their closed position but couldn't shake the feeling that the scream meant something. Turning on the light Harm searched for the time-0300. No sense in trying to go back to sleep now, he thought.
Since Bud had been brought to Bethesda, Harm made a point every morning to be at the hospital early so he could catch the surgeon making his rounds. He owed it to Harriet to be there for her-to support her. Her parents were staying with her to watch AJ. So every morning at 0530 sharp, he was there to pick her up and drive her to the hospital. He'd stay with her while the surgeons and their entourage would give her a status report. He made sure she had full understanding of what was going on, staying long enough to confirm she was OK, stop in briefly to see Bud-even though he was still unconscious, and then head into work for 0900.
Even though it was still early, Harm thought a run would probably help take his mind off things. Going into his bedroom, Harm slipped on a pair of sweats and his running shoes. Grabbing his keys and the cell phone he headed out the door.
Harm pulled his SUV into the empty parking lot at the park. Good. I'm the only one here, probably the only one stupid enough to run alone at this hour, Harm thought, locking the car door and doing a few stretches. Truth be told, he actually welcomed the solitude. His mind had been swimming, no, drowning with thoughts of all that had happened of late.
The crisp early morning air filled his lungs as he began his run. He silently wished that Mac were here to share the morning run with-her presence always had a way of soothing him. Those days preceding Bud's accident, he and Mac often shared workout sessions. He enjoyed her company. He felt lost now that they had returned to the States. Lately both their days were spent either at JAG or at Bethesda with Harriet. They took turns staying with her or sitting with Bud while she got some rest. Their time together consisted of a passing hello in the hospital or missed messages at JAG. He truly missed her; he longed to have a quiet moment with her to thank her for being there with him, comforting him during the early moments following Bud's injury. He leaned on her so much that he forgot that she was hurting too.
Harm had returned to the SUV and glanced at his watch-0430-I'd better get back and start getting ready to get Harriet, he thought. Sliding into the vehicle, his phone rang.
"Rabb" he answered, slightly winded from his run.
"Sir---Harm, it's Harriet."
"Is everything OK?"
"Yes-things are fine. I called your apartment and there wasn't an answer so I tried your cell phone-I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time"
"No-I just finished my run-what can I do for you?"
"I just wanted to let you know that Mikey will be taking me in today. Since it's Saturday, I thought you'd like a break"
Harm was so caught up in everything, the days of the week slipped by, "Saturday-I forgot what day it was. Are you sure? I could . . . "
Harriet stopped him "Harm, you're exhausted too, and you've done so much for us I couldn't ask you to give up your Saturday. Please, get some rest. Mikey would like to spend some time with Bud anyway. I promise to call if there is any change."
"OK-what about tomorrow?"
"We've got that covered-I will call you later. I need to finish getting ready so we can leave"
"Take care Harriet, I'll talk to you later" Harm ended the call.
Placing the key in the ignition Harm thought that this would be a good day to get together with Mac-maybe some breakfast or just spend the day together might be what they both need to soothe each others souls.
Knowing she was an early riser, Harm dialed her number, after 4 rings the machine picked up-rather than leave a message that might get missed he dialed her cell phone and got her voice mail as well.
Harm was now concerned-it was unlike her to let either phone go unanswered, especially during this crisis. He hoped that maybe she was in the shower and didn't hear the phone. I should take a ride by; just to be sure she's OK, Harm thought, quickly heading his SUV in the direction of Mac's apartment.
Pulling up in front of her apartment, her car was parked where it always was. He exited his car and ran up the stairs. He knocked on the door, gently at first, then a little louder. When there wasn't a response, he used his key. He slowly opened the door, finding the room dark. "Mac? Time to get up, Marine" he called out to her, now wondering if she decided to sleep in and he was making a big deal out of nothing. She's going to kick my six if I've disturbed her. As his eyes adjusted, he could make out a shape on the floor next to the fireplace.
"Mac!" He called out to her, rushing to her side. Harm dropped to his knees, cradling her head in his lap. He saw what appeared to be a picture in her hands-he turned it over to see the image of them, smiling and happy with AJ. He pulled her closer to him, pressing his lips to her temple.
"Mac . . . . Sarah" he whispered into her hair. He touched her face and she began to stir. Thank God he thought.
"Harm, what's going on" Mac said trying to make out her surroundings. "It's. . . " She hesitated, briefly unsure what time it was, "it's 0510. What are you doing here?"
"I tried to call you and got no answer-I was worried"
She sat up, Harm's arm still around her shoulder. "I must have fallen asleep here on the floor" she said, slowly recalling in her mind how she got there. A pained expression crossed her face as she tried to stand.
"Ow! Head hurts a little-I've got some headache from sleeping on the floor"
"Don't get up-here, just rest against me" Harm said, encircling her with his arms.
"No, really, I'm alright" Mac said, pulling away from him and standing, still a bit unsteady on her feet. Catching her bearings, Mac walked over to the couch and sat down, picture still in her hands.
"Mac, talk to me, tell me what's wrong"
"Nothing. I'm fine-just really tired. I guess it all caught up with me" Mac said, distractedly fingering the metal frame of the picture.
Harm noticed her uneasiness and strode over to the couch. Sitting next to her, he took the picture from her hands.
"That was a beautiful day, wasn't it?" he said, setting the picture on the table in front of them.
"That was a long time ago, before . . . ." Mac's voice trailed off. She made a move to get off the couch. Harm grasped her arm and gently said, "Please, don't-stay here with me, talk to me."
Mac stammered, "No . . . I . . . uh . . . ", unable to find the words, she sat back down next to him.
"Harm, I'm really tired. Look, can we do this another day?" she said, running her hands through her hair. Bringing them to her cheeks, she buried her face in them and began to cry softly. Instinctively, Harm wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in his warm embrace. Without a word, he knew what she was feeling-it was everything he felt that moment on the Seahawk when he found out about Bud. Harm held her while she cried, soothingly stroking her hair, comforting her silently, just like she had done for him on the Seahawk.
An hour later, Harm eventually felt her sobs give way to the steady breathing of a woman deep in sleep. Not wanting her to be uncomfortable on the couch, he lifted her gently and carried her to her bed. Tenderly, he laid her down.
She began to stir as he pulled the covers over her, "Harm?"
"Shhhh, I'm right here, Sarah. I'm not going anywhere." Drowsily, she reached her hand out to him. Understanding her, Harm slid into bed next to her, taking her into his arms.
"Love you" she mumbled into her pillow.
"I love you too Sarah", Harm whispered, settling in next to her, pulling her close, knowing that sleep had consumed her without her hearing his declaration. Holding her, Harm gave in to sleep as well-both safe in the arms of love.
~~~~ Mac's Apartment 1630 local time
The afternoon sun slowly crept into the window, making her realize that she'd truly slept all day, with the exception of the last 17 minutes. She had silently slipped from the warmth of the bed and Harm's arms-not quite sure what to make of the situation, but comforted by his presence, nonetheless. Don't read into it she scolded herself.
Resigned to the fact that the day was soon to be a distant memory, Mac silently padded to the kitchen with one goal in mind-coffee. She swiftly prepared a pot, careful not to make it too strong otherwise Harm would find it revolting. She smiled to herself remembering the look on his face the last time he had her "bad coffee".
The late afternoon sun filtering through the blinds made the carpet warm beneath the window, its glow casting shadows on the floor and walls. Moving to the window, Mac gently opened the blinds, allowing the lingering daylight to fill the room. In the silence she heard him stir in her bed. Mac closed her eyes remembering what it was like to wake next to him, being wrapped in the warmth of his body. She allowed herself to get lost in the thought of him, still feeling his embrace in her daydream. It felt like home to her.
Mac returned to the kitchen and retrieved her coffee; wrapping her hands around the mug and eagerly sipping the hot fluid, murmuring "thank goodness for caffeine".
Returning to the living room, Mac took the picture from the table, her gaze meeting that of the smiling couple in its frame. To be that happy again she wished, and placed it back on the mantle where it belonged. She briefly remembered her anguish from earlier that morning. Now, 10 hours later, after some much needed sleep, and some unexpected comfort from Harm, her thoughts were becoming clearer. Where is this all going? This changes everything Mac thought, not sure who she was thinking about-Bud and Harriet, or, dare she say it, she and Harm?
"Penny for your thoughts" a sleepy voice came from behind her.
The sound of Harm's voice brought Mac back to reality. "Good morning, sleepyhead, or should I say good afternoon? Didn't think you'd ever get up." She turned to meet his gaze, finding him standing behind her, still in his sweats, hair tousled and looking incredible, just as he was in all of her dreams.
"How can I sleep with the aroma of coffee surrounding me? And you," he paused taking in the sight of her. Regrouping, he continued, "and you opened all the blinds, kinda makes it hard to sleep in all this daylight."
Mac laughed, "You'd sleep your life away if you could", she said, walking into the kitchen. Grabbing another mug, she poured Harm some coffee and handed it to him.
"A guy could get used to this" he said, his fingers brushing hers as he took the mug from her hand. Their brief connection sent an electrical charge through their bodies. Mac met his gaze and slowly pulled her hand back. Harm brought the mug to his lips, pleasantly surprised that her coffee tasted good, for once, "not bad" he commented. Turning to the coffee maker, she took her mug and poured another cup, yawning.
"I can't believe we slept so long-is it still Saturday?" she laughed.
"It's good to hear you laugh, Mac. A lot has happened lately and I think it has taken its toll on both of us. Sleep was what we both needed."
Turning back towards him she began, "Harm . . . . " but Mac took one look at his face, those beautiful eyes, and lost her train of thought.
"There is still a lot that we both need, Sarah." Harm finished her thoughts. "All that has happened to Bud has made me realize what we could have lost had it been one of us. I don't want to let things go unsaid or undone anymore." The sound of her given name on his lips caused Mac to tremble slightly.
Harm crossed the kitchen floor to where Mac was standing. He set his mug on the counter and likewise did the same with hers. Gently, Harm pulled her into his arms. Mac's arms wrapped around Harm's waist immediately. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. They stood in her kitchen, clinging to one another, saving each other from drowning in the heartache that now filled their lives.
Harm was the first to break the embrace. He cupped her face with his hand, "We'll get through this-together-I promise"
Mac smiled softly, but in her eyes Harm could still see the pain and anguish she harbored in her soul.
Rather than delve into that dark abyss now, Harm moved her focus to other things of importance-food. "When was the last time you ate anything? I know I could use a meal, how about you?"
Suddenly Mac realized that her problems kept Harm from his commitment to Harriet, "Oh my God, Harm, what about Harriet? You usually take Harriet to the hospital and now . . . . "
Harm placed his finger on her lips to silence her, "It's all taken care of Mac, don't worry. This weekend is about us-we need to heal too. Now, what about that meal?"
Mac nodded and said, "I thought you'd never ask" briefly grateful the subject was changed.
"My marine-always hungry! While you shower, I'll grab my sea-bag from the car-I have a change of clothes in there." Harm leaned towards Mac and kissed her forehead. "When you're done, I'll shower and then we can decide on dinner."
Mac watched as Harm grabbed his keys and headed out the door to retrieve his bag, wondering what she did to deserve such an amazing best friend. Best friend-what else would I call him-God-send, no better yet-hero Mac silently mused, as she headed into the bathroom, unsure where it was all going, but hoping-no, knowing-it was with Harm.
~~~~ Same place 1720 local time
Mac was finishing straightening the kitchen when Harm called to her from the bedroom, "I'm just about ready, Mac".
"I thought we'd just stay in, Harm. We could get take-out", Mac replied, unsure she really wanted to do anything, except stay in.
Harm came from the bedroom, buttoning his shirt as he walked into the living room. "I think we both need to get out, Mac. Some fresh air will do us good."
"But, what if Harriet needs us . . . ."
Harm touched her shoulder, "She knows to reach me on my cell phone." He paused before adding, "Come on Mac, it's just a quick bite to eat not a trip around the world."
Mac nodded her agreement and grabbed her purse before following him out the door.
~~~ Downtown Washington DC 1755 local time
The short drive into the city was quiet, except for the radio. Mac kept fiddling with the channels trying to find something appealing, finally settling on a country song she recognized.
And I need you to know You can fall into me That my arms are wide open And will always be Right here waiting, staying, strong Come and fall into me
I'll follow any road Anywhere to get to you I'll open up my soul If that's what you need me to do Now baby it's your move All you got to do is Believe in love Just believe in us
Listening to the words she became uncomfortable and changed the channel again, finally deciding that it was best turned off. Harm eyed her nervousness, unsure if it was because of him or the situation with Bud, most likely both. They were both preoccupied with thoughts of the Roberts', but there was nothing that either of them could do at this venture. Harm thought he was moving in the right direction with the distraction of an evening out, even if it wasn't anything fancy, but suddenly he wasn't so sure. He almost decided to turn the car around since Mac seemed so uneasy, but stuck to his initial plan.
The early evening sun spread its reddish-orange hue on the city, making the Capital glow in its presence as they drove past.
"Harm, where are we going? You know, pizza would have been perfectly fine."
"I know, but we always get pizza", he replied, making it sound like it was part of some routine they shared.
Harm pulled into the parking lot next to the National Aquarium.
"This better not be your idea of dinner-I'm not going to have to catch it, am I?" Mac said, looking at the building in front of her.
"Very funny, Mac. The restaurant is up the street. There isn't any parking by the place, this is probably as good as it's going to get."
"Lead the way, Sailor" she said as they both slipped out of the SUV. Harm took her hand in his and they quickly crossed the street before the light changed.
A short walk later they were standing in front of Les Halles on Pennsylvania Avenue, in the heart of Downtown Washington DC. The sidewalk terrace was bustling with diners and wait staff, the aroma of grilling steak filling the air. Harm moved through the terrace to the hostess, "Reservation for Rabb" he announced to Mac's surprise.
"When did you call? I don't remember you doing that."
"I'm a resourceful lawyer, remember?" He smiled, "I called when I went out to the car to get my bag."
"Resourceful or sneaky?" Mac said out of Harm's earshot.
The hostess escorted them to their seat inside the steakhouse, offering menus as they sat down. Mac took in her surroundings-the décor was charming French country. Most of the guests we dressed in typical Saturday- evening-casual, definitely a "local" type of restaurant, hardly touristy, to her relief.
Her curiosity took over, wondering how Harm came to find this eatery. "Harm, this place is great. . . . have you been here before?" Mac cautiously asked, taking a sip of ice water, worried where the conversation would lead.
Knowing what she was thinking, Harm was quick to assure her, "This is the first time I've been here. Les Halles is French for The Market. Sturgis told me about it a while back. The name stuck with me and I thought it would be interesting to come here. It's steak with a French flair-just call it adventure in dining!"
Mac laughed at his attempt at humor. "Really, Mac, that's what the menu says!" Harm chuckled. He reached across the table and took her hand, intertwining their fingers, his expression turning serious. "Sarah, I'm glad we're here together. I know you're worried about Bud, so am I, but I'm also worried about us. We are both devastated by the accident, but we can't neglect ourselves either. Let's have a nice evening together-dinner, maybe a walk afterward. If you want to talk, we can. Or you can listen while I talk. Whatever you want, just trust me."
"I just feel guilty that we're here having a good time while he's lying there in the hospital in critical condition-it just doesn't seem fair, or right."
"Mac, believe me when I say that the doctors have it all under control- there is nothing that we can do except wait and pray for the best. Besides, this isn't a good time-it's therapy-for our souls." Harm searched her face, hoping to see the worry fade away. A soft smile warmed her face and reflected in her eyes, giving Harm reason enough to know that he was beginning to bridge that abyss of pain they both felt.
Changing direction of the conversation, "Now, I know I saw some vegetarian dishes on this menu somewhere. I can guess pretty accurately that you're going to have the steak, right?"
"It's not Beltway Burgers, but I guess it will do" she added, watching a bemused expression fill his handsome face.
~~~
1925 local time Les Halles Restaurant
Dinner was filled with small-talk about their current caseload, both of them avoiding any more discussion of the events in Afghanistan. The waitress finished clearing the last of their dinner plates. Declining dessert, Harm requested the check, and then quickly paid before Mac could object.
"I guess this makes it a date since you paid" she said, weaving her way through the tables, Harm following closely behind her as they exited the restaurant.
"It's been a date all along, Mac. Come on, let's go for that walk" he said taking her hand in his as they walked south on 10th Street, crossing Constitution Avenue and into the National Mall. Mac was in awe of the sight of the buildings surrounding them. It was like she was seeing them for the first time-the National Archives, the Capital to the east, the Washington Monument to the west. The Mall was familiar to both of them-The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was at the west end of the park, facing the setting sun, a place of comfort for Harm.
They continued their walk together, hand in hand, silently. Reaching the Reflecting Pool, Harm motioned for Mac to sit on one of the benches. Sliding in next to her, he put his arm around her shoulders. Mac nestled in next to him, taking his hand in hers, watching the setting sun dance on the water. Mac knew what she wanted to say to him, but opted to play with his class ring instead, not wanting to ruin the peaceful moment. It was the first time in days she felt any sort of peace. She wanted to remember what it felt like in case it was a fleeting moment.
"Mac" Harm began, "I never did thank you for being there for me back on the Seahawk, when we found out about Bud. I am so grateful that you were there with me. I could not have made it through that moment without you."
Mac looked at him surprised, "I should be the one thanking you, Harm. You where there for me when I needed you most. I didn't realize it until after we came home from Afghanistan how close I came to losing you. It all came crashing down around me last night. I was hurting so much-the thought of losing you . . . . " Mac's voice drifted off as tears threatened to fall.
Harm turned Mac to face him. Taking her face in his hands, "But you didn't lose me. I'm here, Sarah. I will always be here for you. We have to move past the could-have-been's and look to the future. " Harm slowly moved in and kissed Mac softly on her lips.
He pulled away from her, pausing to take a breath before going on, "I told you before I don't want to let things go unsaid or undone anymore. We could sit here and analyze every lost moment from the last two years, but I don't want us to look back at our mistakes and missteps anymore. What happened to Bud was unfortunate, an accident. Bud will move through this crisis with Harriet at his side. We need to move through this as well-side by side. A team, just like we've been, only better. We will be there to support them and support each other."
Not used to being so verbose, he hoped his musings were not lost on her. Harm's voice fell silent as he watched her absorb his words. Saving the best for last Harm whispered breathlessly, "Sarah, I love you. And I will not let another day go by without telling you that. I promise."
"I love you" Mac whispered through her tears. Harm pulled her close to him, lifting her face so he could look into her eyes before capturing her mouth with his. Coming up for air Harm said smiling, "I know-it seems you like to talk in your sleep."
Mac laughed as Harm wiped the tears from her face. She bridged the distance between them and kissed him once more. The ringing of Harm's cell phone interrupted them.
A tad irritated Harm barked "Rabb" into the cell phone.
"Harm, its Harriet. I have great news-Bud's awake!"
Irritation soon became elation, "Harriet! That's great news"
"I can't talk long, I want to get back to Bud. I tried getting Mac but there wasn't an answer . . . "
"She's right here with me. I'll tell her for you, if you don't mind. Take care, Harriet."
Startled by the call, Mac looked at Harm, puzzled, "What's wrong?" she asked as he clicked off the phone.
"Bud's awake-he's out of the coma" the exuberance hard to miss in his voice and in his touch as he hugged her tightly.
"That's wonderful news! We should go over there now," Mac said, standing up, "Bethesda is only a short drive from here."
Harm remained seated and grasped her hand, pulling her back to the bench, "No, they need some time alone. They have a lot to deal with right now. We can stop by tomorrow, when they're both feeling like having company."
Mac started to protest again, but was soon resigned to the fact she wouldn't win this one. Harm was right, after all; although she would never tell him that.
"Besides, we aren't done with our therapy yet, Marine."
Settling in next to each other once more, they watched the street lights come on, one by one, content to sit there as long as it takes to watch a new day dawning.