Title: Why?
Fandom : Puckleberry (Glee)
Rating : T
Summary : Future Fic. Companion fic to "Coffee & Cigarettes" - Rachel's POV after Puck's decision to cut off ties.
AN: Glee is owned by Ryan Murphy et al & Fox. Just borrowing the characters for a spin. This is something that just wrote itself out – not quite sure what the point is but I hope you read anyway. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.
She's walking towards Kirk Douglas Theatre on Grand Avenue for a meeting when she sees him. She gasps and blinks her eyes, trying to make sure she's not imagining him…again. It takes a couple of minutes before she's able to move. And before she could stop herself, she's walking faster and passing the Theatre trying to keep pace with him across the street. She wants to shout out his name but finds her throat has closed up and she realizes she's shaking. He turns on Madison and she starts running hoping to catch him. She nearly gets run over as she hurriedly crosses the street unmindful of traffic. But when she's finally on the corner he's no longer there. She pauses and stares at the length of the street. Did she just imagine him? Again?
She turns dejectedly back towards the direction of the Theatre, not really caring that her impromptu trek has made her late for the meeting. She fumbles for her cellphone and dials Mike's number.
"Is he here?" she asks even before he can answer.
"Rachel?"
She knows he's surprised to hear from her. "Is he here?" she repeats, biting her lips.
He takes a while to answer. "Here?" He asks.
"In LA, he's here isn't he?" she knows she sounds desperate. She doesn't care.
His lack of answer makes her sag where she stands. "Why didn't you tell me?" she can't help the anger that escapes her voice.
She's surprised at the uncharacteristic venom in his voice when he answers. "You didn't deserve to know." She sways as though she's been slapped.
"Michael…" She starts again, but he cuts her short.
"Look, Rachel, he's…just…just let him be…" He begs.
"I…" she doesn't know what to say.
"He doesn't know that I knew…" he explains, voice gentling.
"Know what?" she asks, not knowing what he means.
"Do you really want me to say it?" His voice takes on a hint of steel again.
"I don't…" she tries to explain she doesn't understand.
"Are you on a break now?" His question throws her for a loop and she can't answer immediately.
"You are, aren't you?"
"What does that have to do with…"
"I'm sorry Rachel, I can't help you."
The quiet click follows the statement. It takes her a moment to realize he's hung up on her.
It's her last day in LA when she sees him again across the same street.
She wants to scream at him for leaving without saying goodbye. She wants to shout at him for not telling her where he was going. She wants to rail at him for cutting her out of his life. And she wants to ask why. But most of all she wants to tell him how badly she's missed him - misses him still.
Her feet start moving without conscious thought and before she knows it she's crossing the street to get to him. She is a few feet away from him when she opens her mouth to speak.
But the sound of his name on her lips dies before she can voice it. Because she realizes he is with someone and she hears them laughing together. He is teasing her and she is telling him off and walking away. He runs after her and puts an arm around her shoulders and it hurts. She's supposed to be the one he's teasing. She's supposed to be the one he's running after. And she was her…a lifetime ago.
She almost calls out to him not caring if he has company but Michael's cold dismissal of her a few days ago stops her. She has gone over their conversation over and over in her head trying to understand why he would think it's her fault that he's here and not in New York where he belongs.
She feels wetness on her cheeks before she realizes she's crying and she sees them turn the corner through blurry eyes.
"Michael, please don't hang up." Her voice comes out huskily.
"Rachel…" he starts to argue.
"I just need to know." She begs him.
He sighs loudly at the other end.
"Please…" she knows she sounds pathetic, but she doesn't care.
"Why" He finally asks.
"I miss him." And it's the truth.
"Why only now?"
"I…" Why had she waited so long to ask? He's been gone for months.
"I figured as much."
She is left staring into space as she hears the click on the other end again.
She is back in New York when her phone rings. She answers without looking at the caller ID. "Hello." Her voice comes out strained. She hasn't been sleeping well she's been back, not that she's been sleeping well even before she went to LA.
"Rachel…"
It's Finn.
She knows why he's calling. She waits for the feeling of happiness and satisfaction that normally comes whenever he tries to get back with her. It doesn't come.
"Rachel?"
The coaxing quality of his voice grates her raw and instead of saying yes, she forgives him, like she always does, she finds herself crying. And she knows it's not out of happiness.
"No." she manages to answer past the lump in her throat.
"What?" He sounds surprised. She doesn't blame him. She always wants to get back together.
"No, Finn." She's surprised realize that she means it this time.
"I don't understand." He says.
He doesn't need to. It just is.
"You mean it's…."
"Over" She feels relieved to say it out loud.
"But…" He starts to protest.
"Don't call me again." She hangs up before he can ask further. Her phone rings again and she looks down to see that it's him again. She lets it ring once, twice, thrice. She turns her phone off on the fourth ring. And then she starts sobbing in earnest as grief overwhelms her. It takes her awhile to realize that this time, she's crying for a different reason altogether.
She knows she doesn't look her best when she answers the door.
"Oh, this is worse than I thought…" Kurt looks aghast.
She tries to smile but fails miserably.
"What has my idiot of a step brother done again?" He asks as he enters her apartment and sits down on the sofa.
She opens her mouth to explain and shuts it again. She doesn't feel like talking about Finn. Ever!
"Honey…"
"Can we talk about something else?"
"I don't understand. He told me was going to call you…"
"He did." She sighs as she answers.
"And you're not back together yet?" He sounds incredulous. She can't blame him. In all the years they've known each other, she has never failed to take him back. She has always forgiven him.
"Things change I guess." She shrugs as she says this. She knows it's true.
"Puck?" He asks tentatively.
The sound of his name hits her like a punch to the chest and she can't breathe from the pain.
"Oh Rachel…"
The pity in his voice breaks her and she finds herself crying again.
He goes to her and hugs her. She lets him, because she needs to. It's been a while since she's rested her head on someone else's shoulder. It's not the same of course, but she'll take it. And then she gives a start as the implications of Kurt's question sinks in. She moves away slightly and looks at him. "You knew?"
He looks guilty for a second but nods.
She cringes. "And you're not angry?" Cause he should be - if only out of loyalty to Finn.
He sighs loudly. "I love Finn but he's an ass."
She smiles at this and doesn't contest the claim. It is true after all.
"How did you…" she couldn't continue.
He blushes and looks unsure. "I…I saw you two once…"
"Oh." She's always thought they'd been discreet.
"You were." He tells her as though she said her thoughts out loud. "The weekend I was supposed to be at Blaine's – I came back because I forgot something and you'd left the door to your room slightly open…"
She blushes at that.
He laughs a little at her reaction. "You were decent…" He offers, then adds "…mostly. You were both asleep…"
"How did you know it wasn't a one-time thing?" She is genuinely curious.
He just rolls his eyes at her.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?"
He doesn't answer.
And it hits her. "You wanted us to be together?"
He looks flustered. But finally nods his head in agreement.
"Why?"
"You and Finn…you were dysfunctional…"
"I…"
"Even back in high school it was unnatural how often you two split up and got back together…and college was…it was painful to watch." He finally admitted.
"Oh.'
"It made me wonder why you …" He stops as though unsure of how to continue.
"Well, don't stop now." She tells him, because she's genuinely curious.
"Why you always came back to Finn when you seemed happier with Puck."
"We're just friends." She answers. She knows it sounds lame, but it is true.
He gives her a look she can't decipher, "And the sex?"
She ignores that.
"I saw him you know, in LA..."
"How is he? Did you talk?"
"He seemed fine. Happy."
"You didn't talk?"
Her silence exasperates him. "What the heck Diva?"
"He doesn't want me in his life anymore." It's the first time she admits it out loud.
"So you're just letting it go? What happened to the Diva I know and hated in high school?"
She wants to laugh but can't manage one and shrugs. "I'll be okay." She assures him. And she will – eventually.
"Rachel. You're not okay."
"I said I will be."
"No you won't. Unless you talk to him and get things straight."
"I don't have to. I already have it straight. He doesn't want to be my friend anymore. And that's that."
"No. That's not that. Because that…" he motions his fingers from her head to her feet, "…is just bad. Rachel you look like death warmed over."
"I just got out of a relationship." She argues.
"So it was a relationship!"
"I'm talking about with Finn."
"And I'm not. Rachel I've seen you when you're on a break with Finn. You've never looked like this."
She starts to open her mouth to argue and closes it again – because he's right. She's taking Puck's leave-taking much worse than she has her breakup with Finn.
"I've just gotten used to him being here with me, you know. And now that he's not, I just… I miss him so much."
"Are you talking about the sex…because I can totally understand that…" he teases.
"No!" She blushes furiously at the suggestion. And it's true too. Sex with Puck was phenomenal of course, but it's not all that she misses. "He's…he makes me laugh. And he supports me and knows me and understands my neurosis. "
"Wow! All that, huh?"
"Kurt!"
"Sorry… you know I'm just trying to make you laugh, right?"
"I know…" she answers as she rests her head on his shoulder.
"But really Diva, just call him."
"He has a new number, and I don't have it." She finally admits.
"Oh."
"Mike wouldn't give it to me."
"Well, just leave that to me."
"Hello. "
She freezes at the sound of his voice.
"Hello?"
She still can't speak.
"Listen, whoever you are, either you speak or I hang up."
His annoyance finally breaks through and she's forced to speak. "Noah, please don't hang up."
His silence unnerves her.
"Say something." She begs him.
"Something.
She laughs, for the first time in a long time, she laughs. "I miss you." There, she's said it.
"Ok."
His one-word response deflates her. "Why did you…" she starts to ask.
"I… I'm sorry Rach but uh…I need to get back to work…"
"Oh…of course…I…can I call again later?" She prays he agrees.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why?" This time, she can't disguise the hurt and anger from her voice.
"Are you on a break?" His question confuses her.
"What?"
"From Finn."
"Yes. But what does that…"
"I thought so." He doesn't let her finish. "Look, we both know he's going to come again. He always does. So, just wait for his call and I'm sure everything's going to be fine."
And before she can say anything else, he's hung up on her. And that's when she realizes why.
"Well?" Kurt's question brings her back.
"I'm going back to LA."
Fin