TITLE: Stressed
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. This is s sequel to "Braidless in Coruscant." You don't have to read that one to enjoy this one, but it would make a bit more sense. In this story, Qui-Gon tries to handle dealing with his padawan's obsessive need to talk all the time.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
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Stressed
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Obi: Qui-Gon, have you seen that new poster that the council put up in the sparring gym?
Qui: No, I don't believe so. Why?
Obi: You really need to read it. It'll tell you how screwed up you really are.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: It says, 'A Jedi shall not know anger, nor hate...nor love.'
Qui: I see. Interesting.
Obi: So, how to you explain this whole Tahl episode? You loved her, you hated the ones who killed her and you are angry all the time about it. You are not a model Jedi.
Qui: Have you been reading those books again? That series about us that is the furthest thing from the truth there is? I told you not to read those didn't I?
Obi: Well, yes, but there's this one here that has such an attractive cover. You in all your glory. Let me show you. (Obi-Wan grabbed the book titled 'Call to Vengeance' and placed it in Qui-Gon's hand.) You see that, Qui-Gon? See how angry you are on that cover? You look like you're about to rip someone's head off. Now is that acceptable behavior for a Jedi? I think not.
Qui: Obi-Wan, I told you before, I had no part in these books or this artwork on the front.
Obi: Yeah, sure. Let me direct you to page 115 then. This mentions something about the 'closeness' that you and I shared in our first couple years together. I would like to know when this closeness took place. Because if you read this entire series of books, you treat me like you'd rather be out fishing. But enter Tahl, and boy do your hormones kick in. Forget me, I'm just a student that you decided to TRAIN. But that's not important. There is no anger, Qui-Gon. There is no hate. And a Jedi shall not LOVE! You fail all of these criteria, Qui-Gon. Shape up.
Qui: First of all, why do you keep calling me Qui-Gon?
Obi: That's your name, remember?
Qui: Thank you, yes I know that. But why are you using it? As an apprentice, it is appropriate for you do address me as, Master.
Obi: In those books I call you Qui-Gon all the time. It might just be because you really don't act like a master in those stories though.
Qui: Obi-Wan, stop paying to much attention to those books. They are extremely inaccurate. That's why it's called fiction.
Obi: More accurate than you know (he whispered under his breath).
Qui: What?
Obi: Nothing, Qui-Gon...Master. But I should show you this one last book here. (Obi-Wan holds out a book titled 'The Threat Within'.) Master, what a big head you have. You look like a cross between Val Kilmer and a turtle. It's pretty bad. But before you get mad, observe that I am wearing my mummy feet again, and that my braid has been retracted.
Qui: Give me that book. Damn! Could they make my head just a little bit bigger? Why am I fighting you? And why are my tunics white?
Obi: That's what color they used to be, Master. I told you before you need to polish up on your laundry skills. Do I look like a possessed demon on this cover?
Qui: Well, now that you mention it.
Obi: But, I have to admit that this book is actually decent. It took Jum eighteen tries to get it right, but I think she finally figured us out. Although it sounds like by the time I am seventeen, she's gonna knight me. Master...you are actually human in this book. You treat me like a normal apprentice. I am so proud. You're not angry anymore, and you...you...you are afraid to lose me. This is so sad. I won't leave you, Master. I promise. I won't let you be sad. First you lost Tahl, now me. This can't be happening. Say it ain't so.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Oh, wow! Okay, I'm back now. So, did you cook breakfast for me this morning?
Qui: Do I ever?
Obi: No, but miracles can happen.
Qui: Dig one of your bland tasting foods out of the cabinet.
Obi: Okay, I found Poof Tarts and Trollster Strudel. Can I have both?
Qui: How much sugar is in them?
Obi: More than I am ever allowed to have.
Qui: Pick one.
Obi: Uh...um...this is so hard. How about half of each?
Qui: No. Pick ONE of them or you don't eat this morning.
Obi: Sheesh. Okay. I'll have the Poof Tart. You want to share?
Qui: No. Eat it.
(While the pair ate, Qui-Gon informed his apprentice that they would be dining out for dinner that evening.)
Obi: Really? Where?
Qui: I'm not sure yet. Bren is picking the place. But you will be on your best behavior.
Obi: Master, please. It's me!
Qui: That's what scares me.
****
(Breakfast done, Qui-Gon decided Obi-Wan needed to work off all the sugar he'd just ingested. They headed for the sparring gym. Obi-Wan was quick to point out the poster that he had told Qui-Gon about earlier.)
Obi: See, Master? I told you. No anger, hate or love. You've been doing it wrong all these years.
Qui: Keep walking, Padawan. That poster is just another of the councils ploys to get us all to follow their every beck and call. If I want to be angry, I WILL. UNDERSTAND?
Obi: Um, sure. Can we go spar now so everyone will stop staring at us?
(Both Jedi turned to see a group of about ten other master/padawan teams looking at them, confusion on their faces.)
Qui: Everyone can move along. Nothing to see here. Go on about your business. GO! (The group broke up and went on their way.)
Obi: Nice move, Master. I see you're racking up those popular points by the dozens.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. Let's go spar.
****
(Qui-Gon was off his game not only in personal relations, but also in sparring. After a short thirty minute match, he was pinned by his thirteen-year-old apprentice.)
Obi: I feel, Master, that your mind is elsewhere. Elusive. And that you are becoming stressed over the smallest things. Master Bren told you about taking a stress class. Maybe you should consider it.
Qui: I am fine, Obi-Wan. I know how to control my stress. And you are not helping matters. It's not wise to pin your master in sparring exercises.
Obi: But you let your guard down and I saw the opening. I thought I was quite perceptive and attacked at just the correct moment.
Qui: You made me look bad. That's not good for my reputation. Now, help me up.
Obi: I don't get you. You want me to become better with a saber, but then you shoot me down when I do something good. Just because I, a young, inexperienced apprentice, pinned you, THE Qui-Gon Jinn, the greatest swordsman in the Jedi Order. It's nothing to get upset about. You gotta go with the flow, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, enough. You are just taking advantage of the situation because I forgot my duct tape. So your lips able to roam free. Give me a few minutes of quiet please.
Obi: I'm gonna talk to Master Brazo about you. You can't go through life like this, being so stressed all the time. If you can't handle an apprentice anymore, just admit it. I mean, you are getting a bit up there in years. And after this Tahl thing, I'd expect that you'd be slowing down.
Qui: OBI-WAN! STOP! GO HOME, RIGHT NOW! Go sit in your room. NO LIMA HOLOS! And meditate for the rest of the day, until we are ready to leave for dinner.
Obi: But, Master...
Qui: PADAWAN!
Obi: Uh oh, you're starting to look like angry Qui-Gon from the cover of that book. Did you just growl at me?
Qui: I will NOT tell you again. GO! NOW!
Obi: I'd better call Master Bren, you...OW!
(Qui-Gon grabbed the boy's braid and began dragging him back to their quarters. Obi-Wan ran his lips the entire time. When they reached the apartment, Qui-Gon sat Obi-Wan on the floor in the bedroom.)
Qui: You. Meditate. Quietly. Don't talk. I will come get you when it's time to leave. Stay. Good boy.
Obi: But...
Qui: One more word, and you will wear this role of duct tape.
(Obi-Wan pursed his lips together and nodded quickly. Qui-Gon stormed out of the room and out of the apartment.)
*****
(Not long thereafter, Qui-Gon ran into his friend, Master Bren Anders. She seemed as happy as could be. Much the opposite of her tall companion.)
Bren: Hey, Qui. You look...rough. Padawan problems again?
Qui: Please don't mention his name.
Bren: You love him, just admit it. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
Qui: Bren, I mean it. I don't want to talk about him. He's driving me beyond insane. He just won't shut up. Mouth constantly running. I need a break.
Bren: Uh, what did you do with him?
Qui: He's in his room, meditating for the rest of the day. At least, that is what I told him to do. Knowing him, he's probably talking to his pillow.
Bren: He's always mouthy though. What's so different about today's version of him?
Qui: I just don't want to hear it. I'm not in the mood. Can we please change the subject?
Bren: Okay, have you seen that new poster outside the sparring gym?
Qui: NO! I don't want to hear about that either.
Bren: Oh, well, uh...ah...um...have you seen the attendance numbers for Brazo'z stress management classes? I think...
Qui: BREN!
Bren: What?
Qui: I am not going to any stress management class.
Bren: Qui, you have problems. And while I think some of it can be blamed on your overzealous padawan, part of it is you. You don't handle things well. Just look at this Tahl thing.
Qui: Can we stop bringing up the Tahl thing? Is that too much to ask? Is that all you people think about? I don't want to talk about Obi-Wan, Tahl, Brazo or stress. Anything else is fine.
Bren: Have you seen that new Lima holo that's out in the cinema?
Qui: Oh, forget it. I give up. I'll see you at dinner tonight. I'm going to take a nap.
(Bren was left standing alone, pondering what had just happened.)
Bren: You, my dear Qui-Gon Jinn, will be attending a stress management class if I have anything to say about it.
*******
(Obi-Wan heard his master enter their quarters. He thought about leaving his room to see about him, but then remembered the mood that the man was in earlier and decided to stay where he was. It wasn't until late that afternoon that Obi-Wan finally poked his head out of his room. Qui-Gon was sound asleep on the couch. He looked horrible. Looking at the chrono, the apprentice knew that they would be meeting Master Bren for dinner in an hour. He decided to wake his teacher.)
Obi: Master, wake up. It's almost time for dinner. You're gonna be late.
(Shaking Qui-Gon until he awoke, Obi-Wan backed away slightly as the older Jedi opened his eyes.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, I told you to stay in your room.
Obi: Okay, fine. But if you're late for dinner with Master Bren, you know she'll withhold cuddling privileges from you for a week.
(Qui-Gon sprang up off the couch and hurried for the bathroom.)
Obi: HA! All to easy. My gullible master.
Qui: (shouting from the bathroom) Obi-Wan, I hear you. My big-mouthed padawan.
Obi: Shutting up now, Master.
(When Qui-Gon's time in the bathroom began to stretch into forever, Obi-Wan went and pounded on the door.)
Obi: Master! You've been in there for a year. I would like a turn too. I really have to go.
Qui: Then go. I'll catch up with you.
Obi: Huh? No, Master. I have to GO. I require the use of the bathroom, if you wouldn't mind sharing.
Qui: I'm not quite ready yet. You'll have to hold it.
Obi: I can't. Look, you can primp yourself in the mirror in your room. Do your sexy master dance in there. I HAVE GOT TO GO! NOW!
Qui: WHEN I AM FINISHED!
Obi: Okay, but if there is a puddle outside this door when you get out, don't say I didn't warn you.
(The door flew open and a not so happy master stepped in front of his apprentice.)
Qui: Don't laugh at my hair. I can't find my curlers. Now, hurry. I am running short on time.
Obi: Can I laugh later?
Qui: Depends. Do you want to see how long you can REALLY hold it?
Obi: Uh, no. Excuse me please. (He disappeared into the bathroom.)
****
(They arrived at the restaurant, Pastah Place, meeting Bren at the door. It was she and Qui-Gon's favorite place, but Obi-Wan had never been invited before, so this was new to him. They were seated quickly and Obi-Wan wasted little time before sticking his nose in the menu.)
Obi: Master, can I get this Jedi Spagedi pastah?
Qui: Yes you may. I might get the same.
Obi: My mastah, is gonna eat pastah. Pastah for the mastah. Mastah's pastah. Pastah's...mas...
Qui: Do you mind? That is not funny.
Obi: Yes it is. Come on, laugh. I know you want to.
Qui: No, it's not funny. This is just you trying to be the center of attention again. Knock it off.
Obi: Well, then can I get Trollonli Noodles? It says, small troll shaped noodles smothered in swamp sauce.
Qui: You really want to eat that?
Obi: No, not really. I'll just get the Jedi Spagedi...uh...pastah.
Qui: Fine, but I will order it for you, so you don't embarrass Bren or myself with your mastah/pastah routine.
Bren: Aw, lighten up a bit, Stretch. I thought it was funny. He's just a kid.
Obi: Yeah. Thank you, Master Bren.
(A stern look from Qui-Gon was enough to shut the padawan up, for the moment.)
Bren: I am going to get the Poofa Pastah. Qui?
Qui: I need a drink. Food will be a side item.
(They ordered and ate. Obi-Wan surprisingly was quiet during most of the meal, allowing Bren and his master to have a nice, peaceful conversation. When they were done and paying their bill, he then spoke up.)
Obi: Where to next, Master?
Qui: Home. Bed.
Obi: But we don't have an assignment for tomorrow. Can't we go see a holo or something? The theatre is just next door.
Qui: And what Lima holo is playing that you want to see?
Obi: I didn't say anything about a Lima holo.
Qui: I know how your brain works.
Obi: Okay, well, it's one called Killer Clowns from Outer Space.
Qui: Outer space?
Obi: Yeah, outer rim type stuff. I'm not sure what role Lima plays, but I hear it's excellent!
Bren: If he won't take you, kid, I will.
Obi: You could learn a thing or two from her, Master. A thing or two about, oh I don't know...how to train your padawan correctly.
Bren: Uh, Obi?
Qui: Obi-Wan, you were quiet all during dinner, don't start now. I have a headache.
Obi: I'm sorry. I'll be good for the rest of the evening.
Qui: You will?
Obi: Yes. I don't like when the blood vessels in your forehead start popping out like that. It's freaky.
Qui: Uh, um...ah...thank you, Obi-Wan. This is a surprising twist to the evening.
Bren: The word 'miracle' would be a good term to apply here.
Obi: Can we go to the theatre now?
Qui: Yes. Let's go.
****
(The theatre was packed. The three Jedi had to sit in the front row, and stare UP at the screen. Not the most pleasant way to view a holo, but they dealt with it. Halfway through, Obi-Wan became restless. He whispered to Qui-Gon.)
Obi: Master, what's happening to Lima? He's transforming...
Qui: Shhhh.
Obi: Transforming into a...a...oh SITH! A CLOWN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The entire theatre erupted into a verse of SHHHHH's.)
Qui: Quiet, Obi-Wan!
Obi: Master, he's a clown. You know how I feel about clowns. Oh, this is gonna freak me out, BIG time. I can't deal with this. No, look at his arms. Look how LONG they are. NONONO, Lima WHY??
Bren: Quiet kid, the theatre is going to riot soon if you don't zip it.
Obi: We have to go, Master. NOW! I can't...this is to disturbing. Please.
Qui: These tickets were not cheap, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Fine, you stay. I'll hitch a ride back to the temple. Bye.
Qui: Hold it. Okay, fine. Let's go.
Obi: Hold my hand, Master. I have to cover my eyes until I am out of the theatre, and I won't be able to see where I am going.
Qui: I am not touching you. Open your eyes and walk up the aisle. Hurry up. They are throwing things at us.
Bren: OW! I just got pelted with a Ju Ju Troll. Move it boys.
(They made it safely out of the theatre. Obi-Wan was trying not to hyperventilate. But it wasn't working. He leaned against the wall, trembling.)
Qui: It was just a clown, Obi-Wan. Aren't you overreacting just a bit?
Obi: How would you feel if your favorite person in the whole galaxy suddenly turned into a hideous, scary, freaky clown? Huh? What if Master Bren turned into one? Would it make you a bit on edge?
Bren: Uh, wait a second...
Qui: Yes, it would have that affect on me.
Obi: Now you see my point. Just give me a minute to regain my sanity.
Qui: You'll need longer than that, Padawan. (Qui-Gon smiled and laughed at his joke. He laughed alone.)
Obi: I think those books show the real you more than you think. I am terrified and you are cracking jokes. This is not part of my training, Master.
Qui: I thought I was funny.
Bren: Alone once again. Let's go home. I think I've had enough for one night. You two can beat the strength out of anyone. Come on, I'll grab a taxi for us.
****
(Once home, Qui-Gon said good night to Bren. Obi-Wan, complaining about adult mush, made a quick retreat to his room. He was sound asleep within minutes. Qui-Gon checked on him once before turning in himself. Everything was quiet...until Obi-Wan's nightmare. He woke up screaming.)
Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO! No clowns, please no. NONONONONO. Go away. Please go away. MASTER!!!!
(He jumped off the bed, feet barely scraping the floor, and he flew into Qui-Gon's room, thumping onto the bed, and hiding behind his master. He ripped the blanket off of the bigger Jedi and covered his entire body.)
Obi: Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me. Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me. Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me...Can't sleep...
Qui: Wha? Huh? Obi-Wan? (Qui-Gon turned over in his bed and pulled the blanket down, exposing his panicked padawan.) What are you doing in my bed?
Obi: Clowns. Big scary clowns with long arms. He followed me. He's there...waiting...
Qui: There is no one in this room, except for you and me. And you don't belong here. GET OUT!
Obi: NO, MASTER! Don't put your feet down. He's there, under the bed...waiting.
Qui: There is nothing under this bed or under any bed in this apartment. And if you don't mind, I need all the sleep I can get. You have two choices. You can sleep in your bed or on the couch in the common area. But not in here. Not only do you talk in your sleep, but you hog the covers. So you decide.
Obi: You just don't understand. Haven't you ever been scared of anything before?
Qui: No.
Obi: Yeah, sure.
Qui: Are you calling me a liar?
Obi: Uh, no. No, Master. Not at all. Please let me stay here with you, just tonight. Don't make me beg. You know I will.
Qui: (shaking his head in disbelief) Okay, fine. ONE night. And if I hear so much as a peep out of you about clowns, I will feed you this role of duct tape. Got it?
Obi: Yes, Master. Can I cuddle with you?
Qui: NO! Don't touch me. GO TO SLEEP.
Obi: I'm gonna talk to Master Brazo about you.
Qui: GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! NOW!
Obi: No, I'm sorry, Master. Please give me another chance. The clowns will get me if I...uh...whoops.
Qui: I told you no clown talk, didn't I?
Obi: Yes. I'll shut up now. Good night, Master. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Qui: What did I do to deserve this?
Obi: I can answer that.
Qui: Not if you want to live until through the night.
Obi: Sleeping now.
(When twenty minutes passed and Obi-Wan remained quiet, Qui-Gon pulled the blanket over the boy and worked to settle himself. At least he would get a few hours of solid rest.)
****
(The next morning when Qui-Gon awoke, Obi-Wan was gone from his room. In fact, the boy was gone from the apartment. The master made an attempt to locate him with no response. He called Bren.)
Bren: This better be important, Qui. It's only the six-hour.
Qui: Have you seen Obi-Wan this morning?
Bren: Unless he's hiding under my bed, no. You lost him again?
Qui: I didn't lose him, this is another one of his games he likes to play to stress me out. If you see him, tell him to get his butt home.
Bren: Will do.
(Qui-Gon put a call into Brazo next.)
Brazo: Qui-Gon, you've lost him again, haven't you?
Qui: NO! I have not lost him. He's just elusive.
Brazo: Yes. You don't sound well, Qui-Gon. You sound...stressed. I have an opening in my class this afternoon. Perhaps you should attend.
Qui: I AM NOT STRESSED! Would you people just drop it! I just want to find my apprentice so I can have a nice quiet day of training. OKAY?
Brazo: Whatever you say. But if you continue like this and your head explodes, don't come crying to me.
Qui: My head is not going to explode. But my padawan might die soon if he doesn't start acting like a normal apprentice. If you see him, send him home.
(Next, Qui-Gon called Obi-Wan's shrink, Nev Daloon.)
Nev: This is not the first time you've lost your apprentice, Qui-Gon.
Qui: FOR THE LAST TIME, I HAVE NOT LOST HIM. Now, will you help me find him or do you just want to drive me insane like everyone else has been doing?
Nev: I want you in Brazo's noon-hour stress management class. And don't give me any crap about it. I promise you it won't be that bad. Lots of Jedi have stress, Qui-Gon. We live a hard life. It's normal. I am ordering you, as a Master Healer to attend this class. I have already spoken to Master Yoda about this. I have also spoken to Bren and Obi-Wan about you. They are concerned. You will be going to this class. Understand?
Qui: No, I don't. I am fine. Perfectly calm. See how relaxed I am? Hear my soothing voice?
Nev: Nice try Jinn, but you are going. I will see you there at noon. Bring Obi-Wan with you.
Qui: But he is the cause of my stress.
Nev: Yes, I know. But your inability to deal with a growing and somewhat mouthy padawan is actually the issue here.
Qui: Somewhat mouthy?
Nev: Okay, he's a full-fledged motor mouth, but he's just a kid. A padawan. With much to learn. I will see you both at noon.
*********
(Over the next few hours, Qui-Gon lay stretched out on the couch, silently rubbing his temples and trying to figure a way out of this stress class. It was no use. Then his quiet was invaded by...)
Obi: MASTER!!!!!!!
Qui: What do you want?
Obi: Can we go to the sparring tournament today?
Qui: No, we have plans.
Obi: We do?
Qui: Yes, I must attend Brazo's class.
Obi: But you said you didn't need to go.
Qui: I don't need to. And this is not by choice. Nev has ordered me.
Obi: Nev is a smart man, even if he still can't figure out my problems. What should I do while you're at the meeting?
Qui: You are coming with me. Nev's orders.
Obi: Oh, ummm...why? I'm not the one who's stressed.
Qui: No, but you contribute to mine.
Obi: You just need to learn how to relax.
Qui: No, I need to learn how to wrap the duct tape tighter around your mouth.
Obi: Hmmm, when do we leave?
Qui: In an hour. Do you think you can remain quiet for that long?
Obi: No.
Qui: It was worth a shot. Where were you this morning anyway?
Obi: Trying to find my light saber.
Qui: I don't even want to know. We can talk about this later. Go sit in your room for an hour.
Obi: Can't I sit here with you?
Qui: Not right now. My headache is back. Go.
Obi: It's all that pent up anger. You haven't been reading those books about us again have you?
Qui: No, and you are not to read them either.
Obi: But at the end of this latest one, 'The Only Witness', you actually say something nice to me. You become more...human. I like that version of you, Master. Could you be like that more often?
Qui: NO! Go away.
Obi: I love you too, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, please.
(The boy retreated to his room, waiting until his master called for him. Then they headed to the gardens together. Brazo's class was filled. However there were two seats on the side that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were directed to. Obi-Wan noted how there were no other padawan's at the meeting.)
Obi: Everyone here is old, Master. I mean, if padawans were a leading cause of stress, wouldn't there be more than just me here to defend ourselves?
Qui: Shhh, you are not here to defend yourself. You are here to listen and to learn. I don't know why I am here. I can handle my stress. But I will humor Nev and Brazo, for now.
(Halfway through the class, Brazo asked for the new attendees to introduce themselves. Obi-Wan bounced out of his seat.)
Obi: I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is my stressed out master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Qui: Sit down, Padawan. I am not stressed out.
Brazo: Yes, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I know you both well. I am pleased to see that you are here of your own accord.
Qui: I was forced to come here.
Brazo: I see. We'll since you are here, how about you tell us what causes you stress. What one thing causes you to lose your touch with reality?
Qui: My apprentice.
Obi: I would like to debate that statement and defend myself please.
Brazo: Obi-Wan, this is not a court of law. It's not open for debate. Now, Qui-Gon...continue.
Qui: He won't stop talking. It's non-stop. Even in his sleep, he talks. And he doesn't talk about normal things. It's always about strange things like hugs and Lima holo's.
Obi: Master, Lima and hugs are not strange.
Qui: See what I mean? He won't even let me get my point across. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
Brazo: Then you admit that you are stressed and cannot deal with this your own?
Qui: Yes, I suppose so.
Obi: I knew it. If you would have only listened to me, Master. I told you that a long time ago. Now you must pay for your inability to listen to your padawan.
Qui: How can I listen to you twenty-four hours a day? I need a break once in a while. How does your mouth run that much? Do you run on batteries?
Obi: You never ask for a break, you just yell at me and send me to my room.
Qui: I shouldn't have to ask you for a break. You are old enough to know that humans need rest and that if you are talking constantly, that rest is NOT possible! I WANT QUIET IN MY HOME! AM I ASKING TO MUCH?
Obi: Yes. You ARE my master and it is your duty to train me. How can you train me if we don't SPEAK TO EACH OTHER?
Brazo: Okay, HOLD IT! You two are beginning to stress me out. Just relax. Everyone...relax.
Qui: I CAN'T RELAX! WHY DO YOU THINK I AM HERE? IF I COULD RELAX, WOULD I BE WAISTING MY TIME WITH THIS CLASS? I can't handle this anymore. At home, at dinner, in the gym, in the transport, at the restaurant, everywhere. Please make this all stop, Brazo. You can make it go away. I just need relief. Just for a little while. I need to hear silence. I need to hear nothing. Please. I beg you. Don't let my padawan make my head explode. Look at my forehead, see the veins popping out? And in my neck too. My hair, look how gray it's becoming. It was brown just two years ago. I'm losing it. Help me Brazo, you're my only hope.
Brazo: Um...uh...Qui-Gon, I don't think I can help you with this. I can't handle this much pressure. It's much to stressful for me. I think, uh, you'll need to seek professional assistance.
Qui: NO! You said you could help me. I NEED help! YOU HAVE GOT TO HELP ME! Please! Take my padawan, just for a few years. I'll come back for him when he has grown out of his talking stage. Just take him. Here, he's yours.
Brazo: Qui-Gon, STOP IT! Get him away from me. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't...no...you have to keep your padawan with you. He's dangerous. Uh, um...Master Yoda said the pairing between you two is right. Who am I to argue with a troll? I can only hug, that's all I know how to do.
Qui: NO! TAKE HIM! NOW! YOU MUST!
Brazo: GET AWAY FROM ME. NONONONO! Class dismissed. I have to go and uh...I just have to go. DON'T FOLLOW ME!!! (He ran off into the temple corridors.)
Obi: Hmm, that was...interesting. I have a feeling that I am not everyone's favorite person right now. Perhaps I should go home and wait for you there, Master. Are you all right?
Qui: No. Please don't talk anymore.
Obi: Um, okay.
(Nev strolled in a few minutes after Brazo's departure. He had seen everything.)
Nev: I'd have to say, Qui-Gon. That was frightening. You need a vacation.
Obi: A vacation? ALL RIGHT!
Nev: Not you, Obi-Wan. Just your master. Alone. Away from this.
Obi: You mean away from me.
Nev: Well, yes. Among other things. Nothing personal, mind you.
Obi: Uh huh.
Qui: Yes, Nev. A vacation alone is what I need. I'll go now. Bye.
Nev: Qui-Gon, stop. Come back here. You can't just leave like that. He is still your apprentice. And will be when you return. You have to decide what is best for him while you are gone.
Qui: Oh yes. Of course. He can stay with Brazo. Bye.
Nev: QUI-GON! Did you see what you just did to Brazo? You can't ask him to watch Obi-Wan while you are gone.
Obi: He was kinda flipped out, Master. You really got to him. I didn't think anything could stress Master Brazo. Good job.
Qui: Bren. Bren will watch him. I know it.
Obi: You're just trying to pawn me off. You don't plan on coming back. (Obi-Wan's once joyful face was no longer. A sadness came over him.)
Qui: Well...
Nev: Tell him, Qui-Gon. Tell him that you WILL be coming back.
Qui: I will come back, Obi-Wan. I promise you. But you'll still have to train the boy on your own. I can't help you with that.
Obi: Huh?
Qui: Oh, um, nothing. I will return. Bye.
Nev: Qui-Gon, get your butt back here. STAY! Now, I want you to go home. Take Obi-Wan with you. Contact Bren, and also Brazo, IF NEEDED, and make arrangements for Obi-Wan to stay with them until you return. Do not leave this planet until you check in with me. I will make sure you have a shuttle for personal use. I will let you know where you are going for this vacation, so I can know where to locate you. Now, go ahead.
****
(Obi-Wan was quiet on the walk home. For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to say. Once in the apartment, he went directly to his room while his master packed and contacted Bren. Bren in turn called Brazo and managed to calm him down. Between the two of them, they would look after Obi-Wan while Qui-Gon was away. Brazo would take over his training during the day, and Bren would take over in the evenings. When Qui-Gon was packed for his trip, he called Obi-Wan out to the common area.)
Obi: Yes, Master. Are you leaving?
Qui: In a few moments. I know this is hard for you to do, but I want to you TRY and behave for Bren and Brazo. I promise you that I will come back. I just need time away. Okay?
(Obi-Wan nodded sadly. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a small package. He handed it to the tall Jedi.)
Qui: What is this?
Obi: Your birthday is in a few weeks, I didn't know if you would be home by then or not. So, I wanted to give you your gift now. This is what I was doing this morning. I didn't lose my light saber. I was out getting your gift. Happy Birthday, Master.
(Qui-Gon was stunned. And suddenly felt horrible for what he was about to do, leaving his padawan while he took a vacation. But it still had to be done. Carefully he opened the package. Inside was a small aqua-blue stone. It was much like one that he had given to the boy for his last birthday. It was a bit larger, but had the same smooth surface and rounded shape.)
Obi: I didn't know what to get you, so I thought maybe this would give us something in common. We don't have a lot in common, Master.
Qui: Yes, I know that. This is very beautiful, Obi-Wan. I shall treasure it. Thank you.
Obi: Will you stay now?
Qui: Uh, no. I really do need this time alone. If I am to train you as you deserve to be trained, then I need to find my sanity.
Obi: You lost it here, why wouldn't you be able to find it here?
Qui: You will do fine with Bren and Brazo. They love you very much. And will look after you .
Obi: How much are you paying them?
Qui: What?
Obi: To watch me? How much?
Qui: Oh um, only a couple credits a piece.
Obi: A couple?
Qui: Okay, a couple HUNDRED credits each. I can't help it. You are a tough sell.
Obi: I can't believe it! Am I only worth that much? I would put my value much higher. I need to talk to them about this. They should have asked for more. Amateurs!
Qui: I'll remember that for next time. You be good now. Brazo and Nev know where to find me should anything come up.
Obi: Okay. I'll try to be good. No promises though.
Qui: That's what I expected to hear. (He pulled Obi-Wan into a tight hug, then released him.)
Obi: Have a safe trip, Master.
Qui: Thank you, Obi-Wan. I have the stone you gave me right here in my packet. It will stay with me at all times.
Obi: Bye, Master. Come home soon.
(Qui-Gon stepped out into the hall and happily made his way to the shuttle. Within minutes he was headed for his vacation destination. Obi-Wan found himself alone in his quarter's not knowing what to do. It was still daylight out and he knew that Brazo would be watching him during the day time hours, so he made his way to the big man's home. He waited patiently after ringing the door chime.)
Obi: Hi, Master Brazo! I'm back!
Brazo: Yes, I see that. You'll have to excuse my behavior earlier today, Obi-Wan. I wasn't expecting your master to unload his entire world of problems on me at one time. I have since recovered. And starting to feel like my old self. Anyway, I have to get you into some training. I can do this. It's been a while since I've sparred, but I think we can get a good solid workout in until Bren takes you for the night. Okay?
Obi: Yup.
Brazo: Let's grab a late lunch then. I'll have to check my cabinets here to see what I have. Okay...AH! How's about a nice big bowl of Captain Troll cereal with poofberries!
Obi: Don't do that to Master Bren. If I eat that stuff, I'll have bad dreams all night long. Do you have any Qui Pie's or Lima's Lima Beans?
Brazo: This is going to be a long two weeks, isn't it?
Obi: Sure is. You may as well get settled. You're in it for the long haul.
Brazo: Remind me to thank your master for this.
Obi: It won't be that bad. I'll take it easy on you for the first few days. But once my lips start flying, there is no stopping me.
Brazo: May the Force be with me.
Obi: You'd better hope so.
END
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Humor. Pre-TPM. Obi-Wan is 13. Non-Slash. This is s sequel to "Braidless in Coruscant." You don't have to read that one to enjoy this one, but it would make a bit more sense. In this story, Qui-Gon tries to handle dealing with his padawan's obsessive need to talk all the time.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
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Stressed
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Obi: Qui-Gon, have you seen that new poster that the council put up in the sparring gym?
Qui: No, I don't believe so. Why?
Obi: You really need to read it. It'll tell you how screwed up you really are.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: It says, 'A Jedi shall not know anger, nor hate...nor love.'
Qui: I see. Interesting.
Obi: So, how to you explain this whole Tahl episode? You loved her, you hated the ones who killed her and you are angry all the time about it. You are not a model Jedi.
Qui: Have you been reading those books again? That series about us that is the furthest thing from the truth there is? I told you not to read those didn't I?
Obi: Well, yes, but there's this one here that has such an attractive cover. You in all your glory. Let me show you. (Obi-Wan grabbed the book titled 'Call to Vengeance' and placed it in Qui-Gon's hand.) You see that, Qui-Gon? See how angry you are on that cover? You look like you're about to rip someone's head off. Now is that acceptable behavior for a Jedi? I think not.
Qui: Obi-Wan, I told you before, I had no part in these books or this artwork on the front.
Obi: Yeah, sure. Let me direct you to page 115 then. This mentions something about the 'closeness' that you and I shared in our first couple years together. I would like to know when this closeness took place. Because if you read this entire series of books, you treat me like you'd rather be out fishing. But enter Tahl, and boy do your hormones kick in. Forget me, I'm just a student that you decided to TRAIN. But that's not important. There is no anger, Qui-Gon. There is no hate. And a Jedi shall not LOVE! You fail all of these criteria, Qui-Gon. Shape up.
Qui: First of all, why do you keep calling me Qui-Gon?
Obi: That's your name, remember?
Qui: Thank you, yes I know that. But why are you using it? As an apprentice, it is appropriate for you do address me as, Master.
Obi: In those books I call you Qui-Gon all the time. It might just be because you really don't act like a master in those stories though.
Qui: Obi-Wan, stop paying to much attention to those books. They are extremely inaccurate. That's why it's called fiction.
Obi: More accurate than you know (he whispered under his breath).
Qui: What?
Obi: Nothing, Qui-Gon...Master. But I should show you this one last book here. (Obi-Wan holds out a book titled 'The Threat Within'.) Master, what a big head you have. You look like a cross between Val Kilmer and a turtle. It's pretty bad. But before you get mad, observe that I am wearing my mummy feet again, and that my braid has been retracted.
Qui: Give me that book. Damn! Could they make my head just a little bit bigger? Why am I fighting you? And why are my tunics white?
Obi: That's what color they used to be, Master. I told you before you need to polish up on your laundry skills. Do I look like a possessed demon on this cover?
Qui: Well, now that you mention it.
Obi: But, I have to admit that this book is actually decent. It took Jum eighteen tries to get it right, but I think she finally figured us out. Although it sounds like by the time I am seventeen, she's gonna knight me. Master...you are actually human in this book. You treat me like a normal apprentice. I am so proud. You're not angry anymore, and you...you...you are afraid to lose me. This is so sad. I won't leave you, Master. I promise. I won't let you be sad. First you lost Tahl, now me. This can't be happening. Say it ain't so.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Obi: Oh, wow! Okay, I'm back now. So, did you cook breakfast for me this morning?
Qui: Do I ever?
Obi: No, but miracles can happen.
Qui: Dig one of your bland tasting foods out of the cabinet.
Obi: Okay, I found Poof Tarts and Trollster Strudel. Can I have both?
Qui: How much sugar is in them?
Obi: More than I am ever allowed to have.
Qui: Pick one.
Obi: Uh...um...this is so hard. How about half of each?
Qui: No. Pick ONE of them or you don't eat this morning.
Obi: Sheesh. Okay. I'll have the Poof Tart. You want to share?
Qui: No. Eat it.
(While the pair ate, Qui-Gon informed his apprentice that they would be dining out for dinner that evening.)
Obi: Really? Where?
Qui: I'm not sure yet. Bren is picking the place. But you will be on your best behavior.
Obi: Master, please. It's me!
Qui: That's what scares me.
****
(Breakfast done, Qui-Gon decided Obi-Wan needed to work off all the sugar he'd just ingested. They headed for the sparring gym. Obi-Wan was quick to point out the poster that he had told Qui-Gon about earlier.)
Obi: See, Master? I told you. No anger, hate or love. You've been doing it wrong all these years.
Qui: Keep walking, Padawan. That poster is just another of the councils ploys to get us all to follow their every beck and call. If I want to be angry, I WILL. UNDERSTAND?
Obi: Um, sure. Can we go spar now so everyone will stop staring at us?
(Both Jedi turned to see a group of about ten other master/padawan teams looking at them, confusion on their faces.)
Qui: Everyone can move along. Nothing to see here. Go on about your business. GO! (The group broke up and went on their way.)
Obi: Nice move, Master. I see you're racking up those popular points by the dozens.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. Let's go spar.
****
(Qui-Gon was off his game not only in personal relations, but also in sparring. After a short thirty minute match, he was pinned by his thirteen-year-old apprentice.)
Obi: I feel, Master, that your mind is elsewhere. Elusive. And that you are becoming stressed over the smallest things. Master Bren told you about taking a stress class. Maybe you should consider it.
Qui: I am fine, Obi-Wan. I know how to control my stress. And you are not helping matters. It's not wise to pin your master in sparring exercises.
Obi: But you let your guard down and I saw the opening. I thought I was quite perceptive and attacked at just the correct moment.
Qui: You made me look bad. That's not good for my reputation. Now, help me up.
Obi: I don't get you. You want me to become better with a saber, but then you shoot me down when I do something good. Just because I, a young, inexperienced apprentice, pinned you, THE Qui-Gon Jinn, the greatest swordsman in the Jedi Order. It's nothing to get upset about. You gotta go with the flow, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, enough. You are just taking advantage of the situation because I forgot my duct tape. So your lips able to roam free. Give me a few minutes of quiet please.
Obi: I'm gonna talk to Master Brazo about you. You can't go through life like this, being so stressed all the time. If you can't handle an apprentice anymore, just admit it. I mean, you are getting a bit up there in years. And after this Tahl thing, I'd expect that you'd be slowing down.
Qui: OBI-WAN! STOP! GO HOME, RIGHT NOW! Go sit in your room. NO LIMA HOLOS! And meditate for the rest of the day, until we are ready to leave for dinner.
Obi: But, Master...
Qui: PADAWAN!
Obi: Uh oh, you're starting to look like angry Qui-Gon from the cover of that book. Did you just growl at me?
Qui: I will NOT tell you again. GO! NOW!
Obi: I'd better call Master Bren, you...OW!
(Qui-Gon grabbed the boy's braid and began dragging him back to their quarters. Obi-Wan ran his lips the entire time. When they reached the apartment, Qui-Gon sat Obi-Wan on the floor in the bedroom.)
Qui: You. Meditate. Quietly. Don't talk. I will come get you when it's time to leave. Stay. Good boy.
Obi: But...
Qui: One more word, and you will wear this role of duct tape.
(Obi-Wan pursed his lips together and nodded quickly. Qui-Gon stormed out of the room and out of the apartment.)
*****
(Not long thereafter, Qui-Gon ran into his friend, Master Bren Anders. She seemed as happy as could be. Much the opposite of her tall companion.)
Bren: Hey, Qui. You look...rough. Padawan problems again?
Qui: Please don't mention his name.
Bren: You love him, just admit it. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
Qui: Bren, I mean it. I don't want to talk about him. He's driving me beyond insane. He just won't shut up. Mouth constantly running. I need a break.
Bren: Uh, what did you do with him?
Qui: He's in his room, meditating for the rest of the day. At least, that is what I told him to do. Knowing him, he's probably talking to his pillow.
Bren: He's always mouthy though. What's so different about today's version of him?
Qui: I just don't want to hear it. I'm not in the mood. Can we please change the subject?
Bren: Okay, have you seen that new poster outside the sparring gym?
Qui: NO! I don't want to hear about that either.
Bren: Oh, well, uh...ah...um...have you seen the attendance numbers for Brazo'z stress management classes? I think...
Qui: BREN!
Bren: What?
Qui: I am not going to any stress management class.
Bren: Qui, you have problems. And while I think some of it can be blamed on your overzealous padawan, part of it is you. You don't handle things well. Just look at this Tahl thing.
Qui: Can we stop bringing up the Tahl thing? Is that too much to ask? Is that all you people think about? I don't want to talk about Obi-Wan, Tahl, Brazo or stress. Anything else is fine.
Bren: Have you seen that new Lima holo that's out in the cinema?
Qui: Oh, forget it. I give up. I'll see you at dinner tonight. I'm going to take a nap.
(Bren was left standing alone, pondering what had just happened.)
Bren: You, my dear Qui-Gon Jinn, will be attending a stress management class if I have anything to say about it.
*******
(Obi-Wan heard his master enter their quarters. He thought about leaving his room to see about him, but then remembered the mood that the man was in earlier and decided to stay where he was. It wasn't until late that afternoon that Obi-Wan finally poked his head out of his room. Qui-Gon was sound asleep on the couch. He looked horrible. Looking at the chrono, the apprentice knew that they would be meeting Master Bren for dinner in an hour. He decided to wake his teacher.)
Obi: Master, wake up. It's almost time for dinner. You're gonna be late.
(Shaking Qui-Gon until he awoke, Obi-Wan backed away slightly as the older Jedi opened his eyes.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, I told you to stay in your room.
Obi: Okay, fine. But if you're late for dinner with Master Bren, you know she'll withhold cuddling privileges from you for a week.
(Qui-Gon sprang up off the couch and hurried for the bathroom.)
Obi: HA! All to easy. My gullible master.
Qui: (shouting from the bathroom) Obi-Wan, I hear you. My big-mouthed padawan.
Obi: Shutting up now, Master.
(When Qui-Gon's time in the bathroom began to stretch into forever, Obi-Wan went and pounded on the door.)
Obi: Master! You've been in there for a year. I would like a turn too. I really have to go.
Qui: Then go. I'll catch up with you.
Obi: Huh? No, Master. I have to GO. I require the use of the bathroom, if you wouldn't mind sharing.
Qui: I'm not quite ready yet. You'll have to hold it.
Obi: I can't. Look, you can primp yourself in the mirror in your room. Do your sexy master dance in there. I HAVE GOT TO GO! NOW!
Qui: WHEN I AM FINISHED!
Obi: Okay, but if there is a puddle outside this door when you get out, don't say I didn't warn you.
(The door flew open and a not so happy master stepped in front of his apprentice.)
Qui: Don't laugh at my hair. I can't find my curlers. Now, hurry. I am running short on time.
Obi: Can I laugh later?
Qui: Depends. Do you want to see how long you can REALLY hold it?
Obi: Uh, no. Excuse me please. (He disappeared into the bathroom.)
****
(They arrived at the restaurant, Pastah Place, meeting Bren at the door. It was she and Qui-Gon's favorite place, but Obi-Wan had never been invited before, so this was new to him. They were seated quickly and Obi-Wan wasted little time before sticking his nose in the menu.)
Obi: Master, can I get this Jedi Spagedi pastah?
Qui: Yes you may. I might get the same.
Obi: My mastah, is gonna eat pastah. Pastah for the mastah. Mastah's pastah. Pastah's...mas...
Qui: Do you mind? That is not funny.
Obi: Yes it is. Come on, laugh. I know you want to.
Qui: No, it's not funny. This is just you trying to be the center of attention again. Knock it off.
Obi: Well, then can I get Trollonli Noodles? It says, small troll shaped noodles smothered in swamp sauce.
Qui: You really want to eat that?
Obi: No, not really. I'll just get the Jedi Spagedi...uh...pastah.
Qui: Fine, but I will order it for you, so you don't embarrass Bren or myself with your mastah/pastah routine.
Bren: Aw, lighten up a bit, Stretch. I thought it was funny. He's just a kid.
Obi: Yeah. Thank you, Master Bren.
(A stern look from Qui-Gon was enough to shut the padawan up, for the moment.)
Bren: I am going to get the Poofa Pastah. Qui?
Qui: I need a drink. Food will be a side item.
(They ordered and ate. Obi-Wan surprisingly was quiet during most of the meal, allowing Bren and his master to have a nice, peaceful conversation. When they were done and paying their bill, he then spoke up.)
Obi: Where to next, Master?
Qui: Home. Bed.
Obi: But we don't have an assignment for tomorrow. Can't we go see a holo or something? The theatre is just next door.
Qui: And what Lima holo is playing that you want to see?
Obi: I didn't say anything about a Lima holo.
Qui: I know how your brain works.
Obi: Okay, well, it's one called Killer Clowns from Outer Space.
Qui: Outer space?
Obi: Yeah, outer rim type stuff. I'm not sure what role Lima plays, but I hear it's excellent!
Bren: If he won't take you, kid, I will.
Obi: You could learn a thing or two from her, Master. A thing or two about, oh I don't know...how to train your padawan correctly.
Bren: Uh, Obi?
Qui: Obi-Wan, you were quiet all during dinner, don't start now. I have a headache.
Obi: I'm sorry. I'll be good for the rest of the evening.
Qui: You will?
Obi: Yes. I don't like when the blood vessels in your forehead start popping out like that. It's freaky.
Qui: Uh, um...ah...thank you, Obi-Wan. This is a surprising twist to the evening.
Bren: The word 'miracle' would be a good term to apply here.
Obi: Can we go to the theatre now?
Qui: Yes. Let's go.
****
(The theatre was packed. The three Jedi had to sit in the front row, and stare UP at the screen. Not the most pleasant way to view a holo, but they dealt with it. Halfway through, Obi-Wan became restless. He whispered to Qui-Gon.)
Obi: Master, what's happening to Lima? He's transforming...
Qui: Shhhh.
Obi: Transforming into a...a...oh SITH! A CLOWN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The entire theatre erupted into a verse of SHHHHH's.)
Qui: Quiet, Obi-Wan!
Obi: Master, he's a clown. You know how I feel about clowns. Oh, this is gonna freak me out, BIG time. I can't deal with this. No, look at his arms. Look how LONG they are. NONONO, Lima WHY??
Bren: Quiet kid, the theatre is going to riot soon if you don't zip it.
Obi: We have to go, Master. NOW! I can't...this is to disturbing. Please.
Qui: These tickets were not cheap, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Fine, you stay. I'll hitch a ride back to the temple. Bye.
Qui: Hold it. Okay, fine. Let's go.
Obi: Hold my hand, Master. I have to cover my eyes until I am out of the theatre, and I won't be able to see where I am going.
Qui: I am not touching you. Open your eyes and walk up the aisle. Hurry up. They are throwing things at us.
Bren: OW! I just got pelted with a Ju Ju Troll. Move it boys.
(They made it safely out of the theatre. Obi-Wan was trying not to hyperventilate. But it wasn't working. He leaned against the wall, trembling.)
Qui: It was just a clown, Obi-Wan. Aren't you overreacting just a bit?
Obi: How would you feel if your favorite person in the whole galaxy suddenly turned into a hideous, scary, freaky clown? Huh? What if Master Bren turned into one? Would it make you a bit on edge?
Bren: Uh, wait a second...
Qui: Yes, it would have that affect on me.
Obi: Now you see my point. Just give me a minute to regain my sanity.
Qui: You'll need longer than that, Padawan. (Qui-Gon smiled and laughed at his joke. He laughed alone.)
Obi: I think those books show the real you more than you think. I am terrified and you are cracking jokes. This is not part of my training, Master.
Qui: I thought I was funny.
Bren: Alone once again. Let's go home. I think I've had enough for one night. You two can beat the strength out of anyone. Come on, I'll grab a taxi for us.
****
(Once home, Qui-Gon said good night to Bren. Obi-Wan, complaining about adult mush, made a quick retreat to his room. He was sound asleep within minutes. Qui-Gon checked on him once before turning in himself. Everything was quiet...until Obi-Wan's nightmare. He woke up screaming.)
Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO! No clowns, please no. NONONONONO. Go away. Please go away. MASTER!!!!
(He jumped off the bed, feet barely scraping the floor, and he flew into Qui-Gon's room, thumping onto the bed, and hiding behind his master. He ripped the blanket off of the bigger Jedi and covered his entire body.)
Obi: Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me. Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me. Can't sleep, clown's gonna eat me...Can't sleep...
Qui: Wha? Huh? Obi-Wan? (Qui-Gon turned over in his bed and pulled the blanket down, exposing his panicked padawan.) What are you doing in my bed?
Obi: Clowns. Big scary clowns with long arms. He followed me. He's there...waiting...
Qui: There is no one in this room, except for you and me. And you don't belong here. GET OUT!
Obi: NO, MASTER! Don't put your feet down. He's there, under the bed...waiting.
Qui: There is nothing under this bed or under any bed in this apartment. And if you don't mind, I need all the sleep I can get. You have two choices. You can sleep in your bed or on the couch in the common area. But not in here. Not only do you talk in your sleep, but you hog the covers. So you decide.
Obi: You just don't understand. Haven't you ever been scared of anything before?
Qui: No.
Obi: Yeah, sure.
Qui: Are you calling me a liar?
Obi: Uh, no. No, Master. Not at all. Please let me stay here with you, just tonight. Don't make me beg. You know I will.
Qui: (shaking his head in disbelief) Okay, fine. ONE night. And if I hear so much as a peep out of you about clowns, I will feed you this role of duct tape. Got it?
Obi: Yes, Master. Can I cuddle with you?
Qui: NO! Don't touch me. GO TO SLEEP.
Obi: I'm gonna talk to Master Brazo about you.
Qui: GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM! NOW!
Obi: No, I'm sorry, Master. Please give me another chance. The clowns will get me if I...uh...whoops.
Qui: I told you no clown talk, didn't I?
Obi: Yes. I'll shut up now. Good night, Master. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Qui: What did I do to deserve this?
Obi: I can answer that.
Qui: Not if you want to live until through the night.
Obi: Sleeping now.
(When twenty minutes passed and Obi-Wan remained quiet, Qui-Gon pulled the blanket over the boy and worked to settle himself. At least he would get a few hours of solid rest.)
****
(The next morning when Qui-Gon awoke, Obi-Wan was gone from his room. In fact, the boy was gone from the apartment. The master made an attempt to locate him with no response. He called Bren.)
Bren: This better be important, Qui. It's only the six-hour.
Qui: Have you seen Obi-Wan this morning?
Bren: Unless he's hiding under my bed, no. You lost him again?
Qui: I didn't lose him, this is another one of his games he likes to play to stress me out. If you see him, tell him to get his butt home.
Bren: Will do.
(Qui-Gon put a call into Brazo next.)
Brazo: Qui-Gon, you've lost him again, haven't you?
Qui: NO! I have not lost him. He's just elusive.
Brazo: Yes. You don't sound well, Qui-Gon. You sound...stressed. I have an opening in my class this afternoon. Perhaps you should attend.
Qui: I AM NOT STRESSED! Would you people just drop it! I just want to find my apprentice so I can have a nice quiet day of training. OKAY?
Brazo: Whatever you say. But if you continue like this and your head explodes, don't come crying to me.
Qui: My head is not going to explode. But my padawan might die soon if he doesn't start acting like a normal apprentice. If you see him, send him home.
(Next, Qui-Gon called Obi-Wan's shrink, Nev Daloon.)
Nev: This is not the first time you've lost your apprentice, Qui-Gon.
Qui: FOR THE LAST TIME, I HAVE NOT LOST HIM. Now, will you help me find him or do you just want to drive me insane like everyone else has been doing?
Nev: I want you in Brazo's noon-hour stress management class. And don't give me any crap about it. I promise you it won't be that bad. Lots of Jedi have stress, Qui-Gon. We live a hard life. It's normal. I am ordering you, as a Master Healer to attend this class. I have already spoken to Master Yoda about this. I have also spoken to Bren and Obi-Wan about you. They are concerned. You will be going to this class. Understand?
Qui: No, I don't. I am fine. Perfectly calm. See how relaxed I am? Hear my soothing voice?
Nev: Nice try Jinn, but you are going. I will see you there at noon. Bring Obi-Wan with you.
Qui: But he is the cause of my stress.
Nev: Yes, I know. But your inability to deal with a growing and somewhat mouthy padawan is actually the issue here.
Qui: Somewhat mouthy?
Nev: Okay, he's a full-fledged motor mouth, but he's just a kid. A padawan. With much to learn. I will see you both at noon.
*********
(Over the next few hours, Qui-Gon lay stretched out on the couch, silently rubbing his temples and trying to figure a way out of this stress class. It was no use. Then his quiet was invaded by...)
Obi: MASTER!!!!!!!
Qui: What do you want?
Obi: Can we go to the sparring tournament today?
Qui: No, we have plans.
Obi: We do?
Qui: Yes, I must attend Brazo's class.
Obi: But you said you didn't need to go.
Qui: I don't need to. And this is not by choice. Nev has ordered me.
Obi: Nev is a smart man, even if he still can't figure out my problems. What should I do while you're at the meeting?
Qui: You are coming with me. Nev's orders.
Obi: Oh, ummm...why? I'm not the one who's stressed.
Qui: No, but you contribute to mine.
Obi: You just need to learn how to relax.
Qui: No, I need to learn how to wrap the duct tape tighter around your mouth.
Obi: Hmmm, when do we leave?
Qui: In an hour. Do you think you can remain quiet for that long?
Obi: No.
Qui: It was worth a shot. Where were you this morning anyway?
Obi: Trying to find my light saber.
Qui: I don't even want to know. We can talk about this later. Go sit in your room for an hour.
Obi: Can't I sit here with you?
Qui: Not right now. My headache is back. Go.
Obi: It's all that pent up anger. You haven't been reading those books about us again have you?
Qui: No, and you are not to read them either.
Obi: But at the end of this latest one, 'The Only Witness', you actually say something nice to me. You become more...human. I like that version of you, Master. Could you be like that more often?
Qui: NO! Go away.
Obi: I love you too, Master.
Qui: Obi-Wan, please.
(The boy retreated to his room, waiting until his master called for him. Then they headed to the gardens together. Brazo's class was filled. However there were two seats on the side that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were directed to. Obi-Wan noted how there were no other padawan's at the meeting.)
Obi: Everyone here is old, Master. I mean, if padawans were a leading cause of stress, wouldn't there be more than just me here to defend ourselves?
Qui: Shhh, you are not here to defend yourself. You are here to listen and to learn. I don't know why I am here. I can handle my stress. But I will humor Nev and Brazo, for now.
(Halfway through the class, Brazo asked for the new attendees to introduce themselves. Obi-Wan bounced out of his seat.)
Obi: I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is my stressed out master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Qui: Sit down, Padawan. I am not stressed out.
Brazo: Yes, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I know you both well. I am pleased to see that you are here of your own accord.
Qui: I was forced to come here.
Brazo: I see. We'll since you are here, how about you tell us what causes you stress. What one thing causes you to lose your touch with reality?
Qui: My apprentice.
Obi: I would like to debate that statement and defend myself please.
Brazo: Obi-Wan, this is not a court of law. It's not open for debate. Now, Qui-Gon...continue.
Qui: He won't stop talking. It's non-stop. Even in his sleep, he talks. And he doesn't talk about normal things. It's always about strange things like hugs and Lima holo's.
Obi: Master, Lima and hugs are not strange.
Qui: See what I mean? He won't even let me get my point across. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
Brazo: Then you admit that you are stressed and cannot deal with this your own?
Qui: Yes, I suppose so.
Obi: I knew it. If you would have only listened to me, Master. I told you that a long time ago. Now you must pay for your inability to listen to your padawan.
Qui: How can I listen to you twenty-four hours a day? I need a break once in a while. How does your mouth run that much? Do you run on batteries?
Obi: You never ask for a break, you just yell at me and send me to my room.
Qui: I shouldn't have to ask you for a break. You are old enough to know that humans need rest and that if you are talking constantly, that rest is NOT possible! I WANT QUIET IN MY HOME! AM I ASKING TO MUCH?
Obi: Yes. You ARE my master and it is your duty to train me. How can you train me if we don't SPEAK TO EACH OTHER?
Brazo: Okay, HOLD IT! You two are beginning to stress me out. Just relax. Everyone...relax.
Qui: I CAN'T RELAX! WHY DO YOU THINK I AM HERE? IF I COULD RELAX, WOULD I BE WAISTING MY TIME WITH THIS CLASS? I can't handle this anymore. At home, at dinner, in the gym, in the transport, at the restaurant, everywhere. Please make this all stop, Brazo. You can make it go away. I just need relief. Just for a little while. I need to hear silence. I need to hear nothing. Please. I beg you. Don't let my padawan make my head explode. Look at my forehead, see the veins popping out? And in my neck too. My hair, look how gray it's becoming. It was brown just two years ago. I'm losing it. Help me Brazo, you're my only hope.
Brazo: Um...uh...Qui-Gon, I don't think I can help you with this. I can't handle this much pressure. It's much to stressful for me. I think, uh, you'll need to seek professional assistance.
Qui: NO! You said you could help me. I NEED help! YOU HAVE GOT TO HELP ME! Please! Take my padawan, just for a few years. I'll come back for him when he has grown out of his talking stage. Just take him. Here, he's yours.
Brazo: Qui-Gon, STOP IT! Get him away from me. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't...no...you have to keep your padawan with you. He's dangerous. Uh, um...Master Yoda said the pairing between you two is right. Who am I to argue with a troll? I can only hug, that's all I know how to do.
Qui: NO! TAKE HIM! NOW! YOU MUST!
Brazo: GET AWAY FROM ME. NONONONO! Class dismissed. I have to go and uh...I just have to go. DON'T FOLLOW ME!!! (He ran off into the temple corridors.)
Obi: Hmm, that was...interesting. I have a feeling that I am not everyone's favorite person right now. Perhaps I should go home and wait for you there, Master. Are you all right?
Qui: No. Please don't talk anymore.
Obi: Um, okay.
(Nev strolled in a few minutes after Brazo's departure. He had seen everything.)
Nev: I'd have to say, Qui-Gon. That was frightening. You need a vacation.
Obi: A vacation? ALL RIGHT!
Nev: Not you, Obi-Wan. Just your master. Alone. Away from this.
Obi: You mean away from me.
Nev: Well, yes. Among other things. Nothing personal, mind you.
Obi: Uh huh.
Qui: Yes, Nev. A vacation alone is what I need. I'll go now. Bye.
Nev: Qui-Gon, stop. Come back here. You can't just leave like that. He is still your apprentice. And will be when you return. You have to decide what is best for him while you are gone.
Qui: Oh yes. Of course. He can stay with Brazo. Bye.
Nev: QUI-GON! Did you see what you just did to Brazo? You can't ask him to watch Obi-Wan while you are gone.
Obi: He was kinda flipped out, Master. You really got to him. I didn't think anything could stress Master Brazo. Good job.
Qui: Bren. Bren will watch him. I know it.
Obi: You're just trying to pawn me off. You don't plan on coming back. (Obi-Wan's once joyful face was no longer. A sadness came over him.)
Qui: Well...
Nev: Tell him, Qui-Gon. Tell him that you WILL be coming back.
Qui: I will come back, Obi-Wan. I promise you. But you'll still have to train the boy on your own. I can't help you with that.
Obi: Huh?
Qui: Oh, um, nothing. I will return. Bye.
Nev: Qui-Gon, get your butt back here. STAY! Now, I want you to go home. Take Obi-Wan with you. Contact Bren, and also Brazo, IF NEEDED, and make arrangements for Obi-Wan to stay with them until you return. Do not leave this planet until you check in with me. I will make sure you have a shuttle for personal use. I will let you know where you are going for this vacation, so I can know where to locate you. Now, go ahead.
****
(Obi-Wan was quiet on the walk home. For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to say. Once in the apartment, he went directly to his room while his master packed and contacted Bren. Bren in turn called Brazo and managed to calm him down. Between the two of them, they would look after Obi-Wan while Qui-Gon was away. Brazo would take over his training during the day, and Bren would take over in the evenings. When Qui-Gon was packed for his trip, he called Obi-Wan out to the common area.)
Obi: Yes, Master. Are you leaving?
Qui: In a few moments. I know this is hard for you to do, but I want to you TRY and behave for Bren and Brazo. I promise you that I will come back. I just need time away. Okay?
(Obi-Wan nodded sadly. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a small package. He handed it to the tall Jedi.)
Qui: What is this?
Obi: Your birthday is in a few weeks, I didn't know if you would be home by then or not. So, I wanted to give you your gift now. This is what I was doing this morning. I didn't lose my light saber. I was out getting your gift. Happy Birthday, Master.
(Qui-Gon was stunned. And suddenly felt horrible for what he was about to do, leaving his padawan while he took a vacation. But it still had to be done. Carefully he opened the package. Inside was a small aqua-blue stone. It was much like one that he had given to the boy for his last birthday. It was a bit larger, but had the same smooth surface and rounded shape.)
Obi: I didn't know what to get you, so I thought maybe this would give us something in common. We don't have a lot in common, Master.
Qui: Yes, I know that. This is very beautiful, Obi-Wan. I shall treasure it. Thank you.
Obi: Will you stay now?
Qui: Uh, no. I really do need this time alone. If I am to train you as you deserve to be trained, then I need to find my sanity.
Obi: You lost it here, why wouldn't you be able to find it here?
Qui: You will do fine with Bren and Brazo. They love you very much. And will look after you .
Obi: How much are you paying them?
Qui: What?
Obi: To watch me? How much?
Qui: Oh um, only a couple credits a piece.
Obi: A couple?
Qui: Okay, a couple HUNDRED credits each. I can't help it. You are a tough sell.
Obi: I can't believe it! Am I only worth that much? I would put my value much higher. I need to talk to them about this. They should have asked for more. Amateurs!
Qui: I'll remember that for next time. You be good now. Brazo and Nev know where to find me should anything come up.
Obi: Okay. I'll try to be good. No promises though.
Qui: That's what I expected to hear. (He pulled Obi-Wan into a tight hug, then released him.)
Obi: Have a safe trip, Master.
Qui: Thank you, Obi-Wan. I have the stone you gave me right here in my packet. It will stay with me at all times.
Obi: Bye, Master. Come home soon.
(Qui-Gon stepped out into the hall and happily made his way to the shuttle. Within minutes he was headed for his vacation destination. Obi-Wan found himself alone in his quarter's not knowing what to do. It was still daylight out and he knew that Brazo would be watching him during the day time hours, so he made his way to the big man's home. He waited patiently after ringing the door chime.)
Obi: Hi, Master Brazo! I'm back!
Brazo: Yes, I see that. You'll have to excuse my behavior earlier today, Obi-Wan. I wasn't expecting your master to unload his entire world of problems on me at one time. I have since recovered. And starting to feel like my old self. Anyway, I have to get you into some training. I can do this. It's been a while since I've sparred, but I think we can get a good solid workout in until Bren takes you for the night. Okay?
Obi: Yup.
Brazo: Let's grab a late lunch then. I'll have to check my cabinets here to see what I have. Okay...AH! How's about a nice big bowl of Captain Troll cereal with poofberries!
Obi: Don't do that to Master Bren. If I eat that stuff, I'll have bad dreams all night long. Do you have any Qui Pie's or Lima's Lima Beans?
Brazo: This is going to be a long two weeks, isn't it?
Obi: Sure is. You may as well get settled. You're in it for the long haul.
Brazo: Remind me to thank your master for this.
Obi: It won't be that bad. I'll take it easy on you for the first few days. But once my lips start flying, there is no stopping me.
Brazo: May the Force be with me.
Obi: You'd better hope so.
END