Amy took in the sight of him, in person, after their breakup. He appeared tired… and sweaty, somehow. Had he been working out? He looked happy, satisfied with himself, nothing unusual then.
They had an awkward conversation in which he told her how he'd been doing, and what all he was up to. She was glad he seemed fine- she loved him, of course- how could she not be happy for him?
And then he said it- he'd tried asking out other people. It was a jolt to her heart... she was at a loss for words after that. She managed to end their conversation appropriately, albeit mumbling a bit, and walked away from him after seeing him leave up the stairs.
But… she didn't 'walk'- she pathetically staggered down the remaining flights of stairs before sighing at the distance to cover before she reached home. And as she walked, she introspected over the events of all the past months.
Bernadette had left her and driven home alone to avoid any uncomfortable moments with Sheldon.
She'd deserted her.
How unsurprising. Predictable, really. No one genuinely wanted to be with her anyway, even as a friend. The only friends she had were friends with him.
The one person who said he loved her… didn't seem to have endured any pain, any sadness… nothing. He simply moved on. Why was it so easy for him and so… incredibly difficult for her? Why wasn't she able to look at him without longing or desire, and talk as normally as she did before they were a couple? Why was she so disgustingly abnormal?
Why did she have to go and fall in love with the one person on Earth who didn't genuinely care for her, despite having said the words and shown a few weakly convincing signs over 5 years? One who insulted and berated her more than ever? One who was so incredibly childish but so mature at the same time?
Why did he have to be the one whose kisses made her feel like she was flying over the clouds in her personal heaven, the one she wanted to affect in the same amazing way? One whose arguments and points were so sharp and incisive they were titillating? The one who shared so many similar life experiences as her, to have become her equal? The one who made her truly feel like a woman, despite rebuffing her playful flirting attempts?
Why did she want to share her life with such an amazing paradox… who thought of juvenile TV shows and asked her about it, while kissing and touching her?
He only once said she looked pretty, that too after Penny's insistence.
She knew she wasn't much of a 'looker'. But, she learned and tried to make herself look good. But she didn't go so far as to change who she was, to please other people. She had a unique dressing style that defined her personality. Sheldon always seemed to acknowledge that fact.
But, despite her repeated teasing of him and slight hints here and there, he never seemed to look at her the way she wanted- as a girl. A woman. A lady. He just saw her as an intellectual equal, and a person who put up with his little idiosyncrasies and demands. Someone to push around and complain to. Someone whom he could coddle whenever he wanted. Someone who didn't tell him he was odd or weird.
He just saw her as a useful object, a thing. He never once thought she had feelings. He thought gifts would make it up to her all the time- she simply chose to forgive- she never forgot or mentioned what he did to hurt her.
And all because she loved him from the start. She didn't mind his disrespect of her- she thought he'd at least grow to see how she accommodated him in her life and how she tried to make him happy.
Even after they broke up, he didn't respect her privacy and feelings- barging into her home and insulting her in front of Howard and Bernadette, and in his videos, making incessant video calls and sending out emails and texts when she told him repeatedly to stop- she thought he'd understand. Finally he stopped- and started seeing other people. His seeing other people proved that he was ready to forget her and move on. He didn't seem to care to want to make it up to her in the normal way people do, respecting each other's space.
But he wasn't normal… and neither was she.
But if 'normal' was heartbroken and hopelessly in love, she definitely was. And he just wasn't.
Was she really so… wholly unlovable?
She didn't want to find out. If this was what love felt like, she never wanted to have those feelings again. But she didn't want to be alone forever.
She'd just have to try and move on. Try to see other people and not compare them to him.
Perhaps she was special, in a way- she'd managed to get him to kiss her and say 'I love you' on his own. No other woman managed to do that.
And he was more than just special to her. He'd always have a place in her heart. He would always be her first love- it was sweet, but too bitter for more.
She'd just have to try and forget about him without hoping for more. She'd hoped for too long, anyway.
Perhaps there would be a person out there… who would love her for the woman she was, and who'd respect her without condescending, who'd acknowledge her efforts with true smiles and feeling.
Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to dream, after all.
On that note, Amy smiled to herself and walked the remaining steps to her Glendale apartment, hoping for better times, starting on a clean slate.