THE ALCHEMIST

I had drank the serum hours ago and was now sitting on the porch, shotgun across my knees. Grendel kept me company while I waited for my killer to show. He arrived just before sundown, which was fine by me. I could go to bed and let the crows pick his corpse clean before I hauled it down to the river come dawn. I've always been more of a morning kind of guy.

He sauntered up the steps, pistol dangling carelessly from one hand. He was younger than I'd been expecting, but then, none of us look as old as we should any more.

"For a traitor, you sure ain't too smart," he greeted me, once he'd reached my level. "I once shot both kneecaps off a thief, had the sense to run farther than you."

"That's no way to talk to my dog," I said, patting Grendel with one hand while keeping the other on the trigger for show. "He might piss on the rug every so often, but a traitor? That's a little harsh."

Grendel growled softly at my assassin, who in response whipped out an arm and nailed him in the forehead with a throwing knife. My dog dropped to the floorboards and breathed no more. I didn't move from my seat, though my left hand was still locked in the motion of rubbing Grendel behind his soft, floppy ears.

"You're lucky you didn't catch my hand with that little stunt," I said softly. "How would I ever play the piano again?"

"I'm told the only thing you ever played were your friends against each other," he replied, apparently unfazed that he hadn't fazed me with his fancy ninja crap. "It just so happens the powers-that-be caught on to your little game, and they sent me to take you out before you fuck up any more of our plans. "

"Well, it's nice to see the Eye in the Sky finally getting organized," I sneered. "You know, your attitude reminds me of why I decided to get out in the first place. Bunch of limp dicks with your 'secret society' bullshit, thinking you can rule the world from your dinky tree-house club with paper cup phones and a stupid handshake. And then you think coming up here and killing my dog, whom I love more than my own grandkids, is supposed to impress me? Stop tracking mud on my porch and go away."

His nostrils flared. "At least I'm not a religious hypocrite or a... Whatever the lizards are supposed to be. At least I know my place. What are you? A washed-up former warlord who ruined his own career, not just by selling Illuminati secrets to the enemy, but also because you utterly failed to keep your activities under wraps."

"Sounds like someone did their homework. What do you want from me, a gold star?"

He shook his head. "I mean, I don't know the whole story, but it almost sounds like you weren't even trying not to get caught."

When it was obvious I wasn't going to say anything, he asked almost pleadingly: "Can you at least tell me why?"

I could feel his curiosity overtaking his sense of duty. Maybe he really was as green as I'd thought. I was suddenly tired and wanted it to end fast though, so I told him the truth.

"I was bored."

"...What?"

"You heard me. Sneaking around, wheeling and arms dealing, it's not really my thing. I'm more of an alchemist, see. Put a pot on the stove, mix up some chem, watch the pretty colours. Slow, exacting work, but relaxing. Suits my nature. All this demon-slaying and gun-running for Big Blue just tires lone wolves like me out. I don't play nice with others, and I hate working for morons, so I decided to go out with a bang."

"You'll get your wish soon enough, gramps."

He actually said this. God, he really was a kid.

He said, "There's a war going on out there, and we're going to win. You can't just ignore it, especially when you've betrayed us like this. You of all people should know we can't let this slide."

"I just want to be left alone, where I don't have to choose between one of three equally retarded solutions to the planet's monster problem," I said, still being completely honest. "I got my lab, my gun and my dog- well, two ain't bad- and that's enough to get this ancient mariner through the apocalypse." I took my hands off my weapon and put them behind my head, gave him my best grad photo smile.

"Okay, Scheherazade, enough stalling," he said, as if he hadn't just asked me to justify my life story. He'd also finally got around to aiming his gun in my direction, like he'd suddenly remembered what he'd come here to do. "Any last words?" he added, when he'd realized I hadn't any left in stock.

I flipped him the bird. He shot me in the chest, point blank. Or he would have, if Grendel hadn't woken up and dove for the gun just before it went off, sending both dog and killer toppling backwards down the steps and onto the gravel path. The throwing knife was still embedded in Grendel's forehead, and I made a mental note to remove it before it got infected. It did look kind of funny, though, and I would have laughed if there wasn't business to attend to.

My would-be killer was struggling to get hold of another of his knives, having lost the pistol, when I rammed the barrel of my shotgun in his mouth and made a crimson feast for the birds and ants right there in my driveway. His legs kicked out twice, then fell still. I couldn't help noticing how nice his boots were, probably very expensive, but as they weren't my size they'd just have to go in the drink with the rest of him. It was a waste, but oh well.

Grendel went to lap at the stuff spilling out, but I shooed him away with my foot. The knife had fallen out by itself, and Grendel's wound was already sealing over. He didn't seem to notice. There didn't seem to be any adverse side effects going on, which was a relief. Secretly, I'd been worried that the formula I'd cooked up yesterday had been too rushed to be effective, but Grendel was proof that the serum would become active in about half the amount of time I'd predicted. I wondered what the effect would have been if the assassin's shot had reached me, since I'd taken a larger dosage to account for body weight, but I guess I wouldn't find out until they sent another one to finish what this guy had started. It was only a matter of time, knowing my former bosses. Like I said, the Illuminati are dumb as the bricks in their pyramid, but they are persistent bastards. Like me. Though I hate to admit, it's probably why I joined them in the first place.

It was getting late. I yawned and Grendel followed me back into the house, leaving the mess behind. Let the crows take care of it. It was someone else's problem, now.