4 AM Forever Jess is gone Songfic, a gilmore girls fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All Characters of the show 'Gilmore Girls' rightfully belong to Warner Bros. and Amy SP. The song '4 AM Forever' belongs to the LostProphets and not to me. I don't mean to infringe any copyrights and I don't make any money from writing this story.

Claimer: Storyline is mine!

A/N: Set right after Lorelai told Rory that Jess is gone. Songfic to 4 AM Forever by LostProphets.

Summary: She refused to let anyone see that she was dying inside but she couldn't hide the truth from herself at nights.

4 AM Forever (Jess is gone)

So, this was what it really was to be insomniac.
Rory Gilmore had thought she couldn't sleep often before but it has never been this hard to drift off to dreamland.
Even after five hours of tossing and turning, sleep still wouldn't come to her. She even tried to count sheep but to no success.

Jess was gone. That was about everything on her mind.
Her mother had told her yesterday after school and suggested to have two or three days full of wallowing but Rory refused. She would not pine over Jess.
That's what she's told her mom.
But she couldn't fight the empty feeling that had started to creep into her heart yesterday at dinner any longer.
She was fooling herself and she knew it. She did pine over Jess. She missed him so much and god, she felt really broken. She noticed the tears on her cheeks before she realized that she was crying.

Yesterday I lost my closest friend
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
I just let you slip away
4 am forever

She really didn't know what possessed Jess to just leave without saying anything.
Rory really tried not to do so but she couldn't help but wonder if maybe she did something wrong?
Maybe it was something she said or maybe it was something she didn't say. Maybe she did something wrong or in the worst case, maybe he thought she didn't want to be with him any more.
That would have been crap. She loved him. And she never got the chance to tell him so.

Jess was gone. There was that thought again.

And she doubted that he'd come back anytime soon.
God, she missed him so much; his deep, caring dark eyes, the way he used to run a hand through his hair when he was nervous or stressed out, his warm hugs and most of all she missed his rare smile, the one that hardly anyone but her ever saw. And the way he'd always dropped the smile, smirk or whatever facial expression right before kissing her.
That pain in her chest was just not bearable. She felt as if someone was cutting her heart out with a spoon.
Her body shook violently when her crying turned into shaking sobs.

Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away
4 am forever

How could he just leave her? He couldn't have possibly thought she'd be able to just move on as if nothing had happened, right? He was supposed to know her. Damn, sometimes she had the feeling he knew her better than anyone else. Then why did he just leave?
It didn't make any sense to her.
And he did not even leave only her.
Yes, Luke's said he kicked him out when he heard Jess wasn't graduating but Rory knew the grumpy man was crushed, as well.

She could have lived with Jess' monosyllabic being or with the fact that he never really opened up to anyone but she wasn't sure if she could live with his absence.

Jess was gone. She just wouldn't get over that little fact.

Rory turned her head to the ceiling, her blood-shot eyes full of despair.

"How could you do this to me?" she shouted into the empty house, her voice trembling.
"I hate you for doing this to me!"

She tried to sound as angry as she wanted to feel but both didn't work.
She sounded broken and that was exactly how she felt.

"Come back to me" she sobbed into her hands. "Please come back to me!"

Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you (to you)
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through (to you)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye you'll never know
Hold a little tighter
4 am forever

Jess was gone.
And she hated every minute of it. She hated every minute of not knowing why, every minute of not knowing if he would ever come back and she hated every minute of feeling so lost.

She was Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, for heavens sake. The daughter of Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. The two of them didn't need men to feel loved however Rory thought that maybe she had always been wrong when she had said something like that. Well, not always but recently, obviously.

She forced herself to calm down and even if she needed another twenty minutes she finally managed to stop the flooding of tears.
She was honestly not sure how she could get over Jess sometime in the next future and she also wasn't sure if. But she was determined to try anything.

The only problem was that she secretly still wished he would come back to her and give her some heart-melting explanation.
That way she wouldn't have to get over him in the first place.
But she knew that the possibilities of that being the case were pretty slim.

She just wanted to hold him again, to look at him again. She wanted him to want to be with her and never let her slip away again. She desperately wanted him to want to stick with her forever, to come back and stay.

Maybe one day when I can move along
Maybe some day when you can hear this song
You won't let it slip away
4 am forever

Rory looked at the watch on her bedside table. It read 4:24 am. The new morning would arise in about an hour but Rory's night would only end if Jess was going to look her in the eyes again.

Jess was gone.

Luke assumed he was in California because his father has been in town a few weeks ago but no one could be sure about that.

A fresh wave of tears formed in her eyes when she sank back into her sheets and cushions thinking that this was the second time he didn't say goodbye.

"Goodbye Jess" she said softly before closing her eyes, finally tired. "I love you…but you'll never know."

I wish the sun would never come
It's 4 am and you are gone
I hope you know you're letting go
It's 4 am and I'm alone

Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you (to you)
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through (to you)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye you'll never know
Hold a little tighter

Jess was gone, she loved him and he would never find out.
With those thoughts she finally drifted off to sleep

The End