How Robin Met Simon Cowell
Marshall and Lily's Apartment. November 24, 2009.
OLDER TED: Kids I told you the story about how we had encountered doppelgangers for each of us. There was Moustache Marshall around 2002, Lesbian Robin sometime around 2005 or 2006, and Stripper Lily in 2009. My doppelganger and Uncle Barney's were still yet to be discovered. But before that, Aunt Robin, in person, met a doppelganger for a celebrity friend of hers she knew back in Canada: Alan Thicke. On a side note Aunt Lily, Uncle Marshall, Uncle Barney, and I had known about this doppelganger for years. His name was an Englishman named Simon Cowell. This is the story about how Aunt Robin met this guy. It all started at a party Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall threw for Aunt Robin upon her getting sworn in as a US citizen.
LILY: To Robin upon getting sworn in an American citizen.
TED, MARSHALL: To Robin! Cheers!
BARNEY: Finally every one in the gang is an American! Only Robin still cannot run for President, since she wasn't born here! Still cannot understand why you'd still retain citizenship of that backwards nation!
ROBIN: I'm not the only Canadian to have dual citizenship! Jim Carrey does! Michael J. Fox does! Peter Jennings did! Morley Safer does! Pamela Anderson does! They have or had emotional attachments to both here and Canada, and so do I!
TED: Forget Barney! We're all proud of you. [Hugs her]
ROBIN: Thanks guys. Barney, despite your cracks about Canada, thank you for prepping me for that test. Your unorthodox methods were very effective.
BARNEY: Anytime, Robin. I'm proud of you too. [hugs her]
MARSHALL: Hey! American Idol is on!
LILY: Ooh I gotta watch!
TED: Me too!
BARNEY: Oh yes!
ROBIN: Never watched the show.
LILY: You never watched the show! I'm surprised!
TED: Me too.
BARNEY: Four years in this country and you never watched this show?
TED: I could understand you not watching the show when it first premiered since you were still living in Canada.
BARNEY: I cannot even condone her missing the first couple of seasons. She got FOX broadcasting from Seattle, but she still opted to watch CBC! Even if her goal one day was to move to the US of A.
ROBIN: Cut me some slack! I have to focus on my career!
TED: Come join us. I think you'll like this show.
Robin sits down next to Ted.
OLDER TED: We were not watching the auditions but rather the semifinals where the top contenders were singing on stage. So Robin was missing the best part already. I'll fill you in on that later.
15 minutes later.
ROBIN: Their performances sound very amateurish. I can sing way better than these people!
OLDER TED: As you recall, Robin was a teen pop star back in Canada during the 1990s. She hit it big with "Let's Go To The Mall" and later had a minor hit with "Sandcastles in the Sand". [during these we see snippets of her music videos with the intro of "Let's Go To The Mall" playing in the background]
MARSHALL: You really think so, Robin?
ROBIN: Dude! I was a teen popstar in Canada! I had many successful years as a professional singer before I enrolled in McGill.
BARNEY: But you were a Canadian singer!
ROBIN: So are Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Neil Young, Alanis Morissette and Gordon Lightfoot!
TED: But unlike them, you never had a hit in the USA! I don't remember hearing "Let's Go To The Mall" on my radio in the 1990s!
LILY: Neither do I.
MARSHALL: Me neither.
BARNEY: Me neither.
ROBIN: Hey! I could have gone international if I wanted to. But I wanted to be a journalist like Peter Jennings or Morley Safer. I'm gonna go on that show. Since Alan Thicke is one of the judges on that show, I'm sure I should have no problem getting on the show. He knows my talents.
MARSHALL: Actually it turns out that there are auditions day after tomorrow. You should give it a shot!
TED: Actually, I agree with Marshall. I'd like to see Robin on American Idol. I think she should go far.
ROBIN: As Barney would say, challenge accepted. I'm gonna go home and prepare for the audition! I'll see you at home Ted! Goodnight fellas! BT Dubs, getting through the front door should be hard. Alan Thicke and I are really close. He knows my talents! [exits]
[A few seconds later]
TED: You think we should have told her?
LILY: Told her what?
TED: That Alan Thicke is not a judge on American Idol?
OLDER TED: Robin didn't notice something that we had known for years…that Alan Thicke was not a judge on the show, but rather his doppelganger, Simon Cowell. And he was the harshest of all the three judges. He thrived on being obnoxious. But I'll get to that later.
Flashback 2002. Marshall and Ted's apartment. Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Barney are seated on the sofa watching American Idol.
TED: That looks like the dad on "Growing Pains"! What's he doing on this show? Does he have any music experience?
MARSHALL: He wrote theme songs to "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life". So he's qualified to be a judge on this show.
SIMON VOICEOVER: That was absolutely dreadful. Where did you learn to sing? The city dump?
LILY: Jason Seaver is so mean to that contestant!
BARNEY: This guy is awesome!
Back to 2009
TED: As a friend I think I should tell her.
LILY: I agree with you Ted.
BARNEY: No you can't! Simon is the best thing about American Idol. His obnoxious comments are bitchin! Robin is a very ambitious woman! Wouldn't it be fun to see how she handles Simon! If she survives his scathing remarks, it will give her a stronger personality. If she doesn't, she'll learn an important fact of life…that she cannot be good at everything! It will give her a lesson in humility! It will be a very positive experience for her. Plus it could boost her career as a TV journalist. She could get a position at ABC, NBC, or CBS!
MARSHALL: It would be fun to see her break down like a little girl. Or get into a fit of rage and assail Simon with a glass of water, or give him the thumb (he did not mean the thumb, he meant another finger). Let's not tell her!
LILY, TED: [not in unison] I am not sure.
MARSHALL: Think about her career as a journalist. Don't you want to see her career skyrocket? This could be the key to her big break!
LILY: I guess. Her success is my happiness. Let's not tell her.
TED: It's still not right, it's a cruel joke. She does not take failure very well.
BARNEY: Ted, [puts arm around his shoulder] I know it seems mean and deceiving right now. But imagine in 2030… all of us watching her audition tape. We'll just laugh like there is no tomorrow. Even Robin will see the humor the whole situation when she's 50 and laugh with us.
TED: Alright let's keep it a secret. Oh, and Lily, please stay away from Robin for the next several day. Marshall, keep watch. Lily could blow cover.
BARNEY: [with evil grin] I cannot wait to see her get humiliated by Simon on national television. It's gonna be legen…wait for it…dary! Legendary!
OLDER TED: I may have exaggerated a little bit, but we were bad. Kids, never pull a prank on Aunt Robin without consulting me.
End of Act 1.