It had been weeks since they had even seen each other. Since that awful day at the bench, when Jen had left her, boosted her hopes and then shattered them. Now Tilly's exams were finished and it was the day she had to return to college to start her A2s. Tilly felt sick. She was quite looking forward to being back at college, to see everyone properly again and to start the new syllabus of work that she was looking forward to. But the thought of having to see Jen made Tilly's stomach churn. She knew it was inevitable that she would have to face her at some point, after all she was a teacher at the college. But she had been optimistically and naively convincing herself that they would somehow be able to avoid each other, avoid talking about what had happened on that day.
There was another part of Tilly that was excited to see Jen again. She didn't believe that Jen had just been able to let her go and put her out of her mind. There had been something different between them. Something fresh and exciting. Jen had tried to convince Tilly that this was down to her inexperience, but Tilly had refused to buy that. She knew that Jen felt the same way, but just didn't dare to show it. She wanted to touch Jen, be touched by her in return all the time. She couldn't get the thought of her out of her head. Jen was the first thing she thought about in the morning and the last thing she thought about at night, even if the thought was just a passing image through her head. She dreamed all the time about kissing Jen and Jen kissing her lovingly back. The dreams were beautifully vivid to the point where she could almost feel Jen's hands on the back of her neck, running through her hair, and then trailing down her back, tightening her grip around Tilly's waist and pulling her closer. She wanted to taste those lips again, feel Jen's body pressed against hers and breathe in the lush smell of her fruity perfume that so easily drove her wild.
It pained Tilly that she couldn't do this for real. She doubted that Jen would have changed her mind. Her career meant too much to her to risk it for Tilly. Tilly knew she felt the same, but knew that it wasn't enough for Jen to toss aside all her hard work. She was hoping that Jen would spare her when she returned to college by not leading her on and then pushing her away as she had previously done. She knew that she wouldn't be able to resist and that she would end up getting hurt again. Tilly vowed to keep close to Maddie, George and Sinead at college and not put herself in a position where she would be alone with Jen.
"Tilly darling, Maddie's here"
This was it. The first agonising day back at college. Tilly grabbed her bag and made her way reluctantly down the stairs. "What's the matter babe? I thought you'd be nerdily excited to be back at school" Maddie teased, poking her tongue out cheekily. "It's my job to be miserable". "I'm fine honestly. Just got to get used to the early mornings again" Tilly replied, the lie failing to sound convincing in her head. Hopefully it was to Maddie. "Come on let's go" She linked her arm through Maddie's and they both made their way out of the front door.
The walk to college was shorter than Tilly would have liked. She saw Jen's jeep parked in the car park and sighed quietly to herself, memories of that day on the beach flashing through her mind. "Hey you two!" Sinead shouted from behind the pair, snapping Tilly out of her thoughts. "Hey babe" Maddie replied to her as Sinead caught up to meet them, dragging Bart with her by the hand. "Isn't it crap being back at college?" Sinead groaned "And we've now got to start with all this Uni stuff". "I'd have thought you wouldn't mind Sinead?" Maddie started, and Tilly knew there was some form of sarcastic comment forming in her mind. "You do live with like...half the staff don't you?". "Ha ha very funny" Sinead replied, "Jen's leaving us soon anyway and I can't wait?". Suddenly the mention of Jen's name alerted Tilly, who had been letting everything skim over her to this point. "Jen's leaving? Why?" she asked. "I don't know. Something about being unhappy here and wanting to make a new start" Sinead answered. "I came home the other night and she was bawling her eyes out to my mum. I think she's just waiting to find a new placement". "Ah well, good riddance" Maddie commented, glancing knowingly towards Tilly, who desperately wanted to argue with her but couldn't. The group then began to talk about their exams and how they thought they had been, as they walked into college and into the common room. Tilly wasn't paying attention. She couldn't stop thinking about what Sinead had said about Jen. Why was she so unhappy? Tilly couldn't help wondering in a sad way if this was something to do with her. She felt awful. She had driven Jen away from her secure placement. She was a brilliant teacher and Tilly was sure that Keeler was going to offer her a more permanent position. Now Jen was sacrificing this all because Tilly was making her life difficult, trying to coax her into a relationship that was forbidden.
The bell rang and Tilly made her way to her first lesson. This was what she had been dreading. It was art and Jen would be taking the class. Tilly got half way down the corridor and realised that she hadn't been breathing for the duration of her journey. She walked into the class room, relieved to find it empty. She had been dreading being alone with Jen whilst waiting for the rest of the class to arrive- everyone was always as late for lessons as they could get away with. Tilly sat at one of the desks and looked through the messages on her phone. Maddie had texted her a minute ago "Cheer up Tills. It'll be over soon and then we'll go shopping tonight. LYx" Maddie obviously knew that something was the matter. It was quite obvious after all.
"Hi Tilly" Jen's nervous voice interrupted Tilly from her texting as she emerged from the art cupboard. "Morning Miss Gilmore" Tilly replied, trying to sound formal and convey the feel of a normal student-teacher relationship. "How were your exams?" Jen asked obviously just trying to make conversation and avoid the massive elephant in the room. Tilly just needed to ask.
"Why are you leaving?"