A/N: Rewritten as of 6/4/2014. Rewrite of rest of story and new chapters in progress. Who knows, maybe I'll actually finish this story before I'm 80.

Tony DiNozzo used to think that he was very rarely blind-sided by anything in life. He was cool, calm and collected in practically any situation. This was part of what made him a great NCIS agent; he wasn't fazed by anything, and that was saying something, because he and the rest of Team Gibbs had dealt with some pretty crazy shit over the people rarely realized, though, was that Tony was a total control-freak. He was able to handle the insanity of his day job by maintaining a total control over every other aspect of his life. And it had worked out just peachy for him in the past. He had everything under control, had it all together, and God forbid anything threaten that.

Then Jeanne had to unceremoniously waltz into his life and screw everything up in what could easily be named the biggest mistake of Tony's entire life. It wasn't that Tony saw the act of falling in love as a mistake per se, being the Casanova that he was. He just happened to fall for the completely wrong person, at entirely the wrong time. It was never part of the plan, and it had happened almost seemingly without Tony's knowledge. And that was the scariest part for him; that he could have lost all control over his life in such a major way. He figured he only had himself to blame, for acting on his urges instead of exerting any self-control.

Needless to say, things had fallen apart once Jeanne discovered the truth. It isn't like he wasn't expecting it to happen, and he certainly didn't blame her for what she did, but he figured it was sort of like watching a beloved relative die from cancer. You knew it was coming, but when it actually happened, your heart still got ripped out and torn to shreds and stomped on. And he realized, as probably the surviving relative of the cancer victim would have realized, that despite everything that had happened, despite the odds, despite every bone of common sense in his body, he had still been clinging to a sliver of hope. You know the odds aren't in favor of your relative surviving, but some small part of you still hopes for a miracle. You know that the love of your life will be gone once she finds out that you've essentially lied about your entire existence, but some part of you still hopes she will love you enough not to go. Jeanne was sort of like a hurricane, with the coming and going. She blew into his life and destroyed his careful order, and left almost as quickly, leaving nothing but wreckage behind.

To add to his torment, she had given him the ultimatum. She had given him a choice between two lives, between two destinies. But more importantly, she had given him a choice between his family, and her. And despite the inner torment, the agony of closing the door on everything he had hoped to share with her, he made the only decision he knew he would ever be able to live with. Even still, he looks back and wonders what might have happened, if he had chosen her. He wonders if it would have worked out after all. If he could have been Tony DiNardo forever, and truly been happy. Maybe. It doesn't matter anymore. Not long after the ultimatum, Le Grenouille had turned up dead, and Jeanne had blamed him. As if the previous events hadn't driven the spike in deep enough, Jeanne truly believing that Tony would murder her father was the thing that ultimately shattered Tony's heart the most. It certainly put an end to any chance that he may ever have been able to reconcile things between them.

Time had passed, but to Tony, the events could have happened yesterday, the wounds felt so fresh. Sometimes he would catch himself lost in a memory of her, even just a fleeting thought, and his breath would catch, his lungs would tighten. Perhaps the wounds would never fade; perhaps he was doomed to carry them his entire life. He couldn't say he didn't deserve it. Sure, Jeanne had broken his heart, but what he had done to her was horrible, despicable. She was happy, before she knew him. Sure, her father wasn't the nicest man, but she had committed no crime. Tony, of all people, knew that you couldn't help who your father was. She was simply a pawn in a larger game, and Tony had used her for NCIS' gains, no matter what he might have felt for her. He had ruined her life. He deserved everything she caused him and so much more.

So, in the end, he was once again alone, except now he had a load of painful memories to carry with him. Worse still, he had yet to regain any control of the mess that was now his life, post-Hurricane Jeanne. At work he had learned to put on a well-polished mask of his former self, but once he started his car at the end of the day, the mask slipped away to reveal the truth: Tony DiNozzo was a complete and utter wreck. Tony's proclivity for undercover work that made him such and extraordinary agent had come in handy for other purposes, it seemed. No one had the slightest idea that there was a single thing wrong in the life of Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.

That is, until NCIS Director Jenny Shepard had been murdered. It was entirely his fault, of course. He had abandoned his post, had failed in his duties. Very Special Agent, indeed. No matter what anyone said to him, he knew he was to blame. He could see it on their faces, he knew what they thought, and he knew for sure that they all secretly hated him for letting their director be killed. Of course Gibbs would hate him, he had been in love with her. And the rest of them, they could see now, how weak he was, how incompetent of an agent he had become.

Vance had rubbed salt in everyone's fresh wounds by immediately separating Gibbs' team, tearing them all apart, spread across the globe. They had all been devastated, especially Abby. And Tony had caused it. Tony had failed to save the Director, and now his teammates were being punished for his incompetence, his failure. He had brought this upon them all. He had gotten a damned fine Director killed, and ruined everyone's lives in the process. He had destroyed their makeshift family. They all hated him now, he was sure of it. They hated him for all the misery they had caused them. He knew what they must be thinking, maybe even whispering behind his back.

If it hadn't been for Tony… If he had only… If…

Vance's decision and its aftermath were the breaking point for Tony. He couldn't take anymore. He had been stupid enough to fall in love with Jeanne and then broke her heart. Now her father was dead. The director was dead, too, because of him, and now the team had been torn apart, also because of him. Everywhere Tony looked he saw only death and destruction, all by his hand. He needed to do something, to stop himself before he could cause anymore.

Tony's thoughts began to spiral, and he made no attempt to stop them. It should have been him killed, and not Jenny. How did he deserve to be alive anymore, when she was dead because of his error? He might as well have pulled the trigger himself. How did he deserve to live and have Gibbs look at him every day, knowing what he had done, what he had caused? He didn't. He didn't deserve to live.

He was almost home now. Just a few more miles. The thoughts and memories jumbled around in his brain. It was too much, all that he had done. It was too much. The memories kept pounding at his brain relentlessly, and he knew he had to fix things. It was quite simple, really, the solution. Obvious, even. He had to atone for his mistakes. That was the only way he could fix things. He had to make it all go away. Then the voices in his head would stop. Then he would be at peace. He had nothing left to live for. He welcomed death, and he deserved it. He knew it would be easy. He had a gun on his belt. He would do it in the kitchen, so as not to stain the carpet. He almost wanted to laugh at the technicality, but there was too much pain.

His car pulled into its spot at his apartment complex, and he entered his place. He wanted to go straight to the kitchen and pull the trigger but he stopped. He knew he should leave some sort of note. Tony was sure he had seen this in some movie, but in ever since Jenny's death he had been unable to formulate a single movie reference in his mind. The one thing that brought him small comfort had been lost to him as well. Not that he deserved differently. He found a legal pad; boring and standard, perhaps, but orderly. It would serve his purpose.

Tony sat down at the table to write, and found that he couldn't think of anything to say. Everyone hated him now, they had to, and they would be glad he was dead. After some thought, he scribbled down the message and left it on the table in plain sight.

I'm sorry for the pain I caused, and for the disappointment I turned out to be. I hope one day you can find some peace from the trouble I have caused you all.

-T.

He stood up and pulled his gun out of the holster, aiming at his head. Hands shaking violently, he cocked it, and pulled the trigger…