Title: NIN

Author: Alli

Type: Oneshot humor

Spoilers: not really

Warnings: Nine Inch Nails so slight language and there

is a scene with a blender (scary)

Disclaimer: I own nothing blah blah blah please don't

sue me

Teaser: It fun with blenders and sing along day at the

Schwartz hideout...



It was a typical day in the Schwartz household. Nagi

was typing away at his computer while Farf entertained

himself with a new food processor and Crawford ignored

everyone as he tried to read his paper. Schuldich was

getting bored and that was almost never a good thing.

"Crawford I'm bored." He whined as he slid his arms

around his leader's neck. Crawford simply glared at

the German until the offending hands were removed from

his personal space. Schuldich realized that the

American was not going to provide any immediate

entertainment and stared over toward Nagi but Crawford

stopped him.

"Schuldich have you forgotten what happened the last

time you bothered the boy?" Crawford asked in an

emotionless voice. Schuldich frowned but stopped and

turned back to the American.

"Sure I remember. You spent an hour lecturing me on

not destroying walls and stuff in the house when he

was the one who threw me into it." Schuldich

complained. Crawford hid a smile at the memory.

Schuldich as usual had gone too far and the Japanese

boy had thrown the German against a handy wall

destroying shelves and the objects on them. It had

been hilarious to see Schuldich buried under a pile of

books and broken crystal.

"Well you deserved it." Crawford replied. "Did not."

Schuldich said and stuck out his tongue. Crawford

resisted the urge to roll his eyes at this childish

behavior.

Schuldich turned back to the living room looking for

something else to do. He spotted Farf breaking in the

new blender they had just bought to replace the one

the Irishman had broken. Evidently some blenders can't

handle silverware. Schuldich smiled and headed off to

join his psychotic teammate.

They played together nicely for almost five whole

minutes before disaster struck. Farf stuffed some

overly ripe tomatoes into the blender and Schuldich

wasn't quite fast enough with the top. Red pulp

splashed over the counters and the two young men. A

few drops made it as far as where Crawford had been

sitting but the American had already moved to avoid it

having foreseen this three minutes ago.

"You're cleaning that up." Crawford announced without

glancing up. Schuldich glanced at Farf who evidently

hadn't noticed a thing and was still happily stuffing

random objects into the blender. Schuldich sighed and

grabbed some paper towel. A few minutes later the

kitchen was once again clean and Schuldich had had his

revenge. The book Crawford had recently been reading

was now being joined in the blender by a few pieces of

carrots and the extra paper towel. Schuldich smiled

contentedly as Farf stuffed the last objects within

reach into his new toy. He leaned back against the

counter as Farf began to search for something else to

add to grayish mixture.

"No more Farf. I think we used everything." Schuldich

said as he patted the Irishman's shoulder. Farf

frowned and shook his head as he searched desperately

for something new to blend. Schuldich smiled and shook

his head.

"I'd be more careful if I were you." Crawford spoke

with his back to the redhead.

"What are you talking about?" Schuldich asked but

didn't have time to hear the answer as Farf grabbed

him and tried to stuff his head into the blender.

"I warned you." Crawford muttered as he stood and

walked, very slowly, over to save the German. I mean

sure it was a life or death situation but it was

Schuldich after all so there was no real need to

hurry.

"Farf you may not stick people into the blender. If

you do it will break and I won't buy another one."

Crawford told the white-haired man. Farf frowned and

stuffed the struggling German's head further into the

blender. Crawford held up one finger. Farf changed

tactics and pouted but some how his one eye and

scarred face ruined the effect. Crawford raised a

second finger. Farf reluctantly released his prisoner

before the American reached the number three.

Schuldich managed to pull his head out of the blender

and pushed himself away from his psychotic teammate.

"Damn it Farf." Schuldich muttered as he felt the

small cut on his cheek the blender had left. Farf for

his part glared at the American who had spoiled his

fun.

"Farf what do you say?" Crawford asked as he helped

pull the redhead out of reach.

"Please?" Farf guessed but Crawford shook his head.

"If you can't be nice then you can't play with the

blender." Schuldich stared at Crawford.

"Nice? He nearly killed me!" the redhead exclaimed

rubbing his stinging cheek. Crawford gave him a glance

before returning his gaze to Farf.

"I'm sorry." He finally muttered after Crawford

silently counted to two again.

"Good now go play with your knives." The American

ordered. Farf stood quickly to find the newest

addition to his collection of sharp objects. Crawford

turned to stare at Schuldich who was trying to stick a

Band-Aid onto the still bleeding cut.

"I can't believe your just going to let him go. I mean

he stuck my head in the freaking blender." The redhead

complained. Crawford shrugged and took the Band-Aid

from his teammate and placed it expertly on the cut.

"It was mostly your fault. You were encouraging him

and then you didn't pay attention. You know how

dangerous Farf is. Why on earth would you play

"blender" with him?" Crawford asked as he returned to

his seat.

"I was bored and thanks for all your concern. You're a

real ass you know that?" Schuldich responded as he to

returned to his previous window ledge seat.

"There is one thing about that little incident that

bothers me." Crawford admitted as he sipped from his

coffee mug.

"And what's that?" Schuldich asked absently as he

stared out the window.

"How on earth did he manage to fit your big head into

that damn blender?" Crawford pondered.

"Just shut up Crawford." The American chuckled and

picked up his paper again.

"If you're really that bored you can always scan some

pedestrians for information we can use." Crawford

offered before returning to his state of aloofness.

Schuldich flicked him off but since he had nothing

else to do he turned his attention to the passer-bys

below. He started to scan their minds and found

nothing interesting until he heard a faint song that

caught his attention. Idly he began to tap out the

beat on the window glass. Nagi who had only paused in

his typing to watch the rather interesting events a

few moment ago before continuing with his work glanced

up again as he recognized the beat.

"Alright Nine Inch Nails." He said and smiled as he to

tapped out the rhythm. Farf glanced up from his corner

and smiled.

"Nine Inch Nails hurts God." He announce before

standing to join the Japanese boy at his computer.

Schuldich smiled but kept his eyes closed as he lost

himself to the beat of the song. Crawford glanced up

at his three teammates who had evidently gone insane.

"Can't a person get a little peace and quiet around

here?" he demanded. Schuldich smiled before singing

the opening lines to the song he had heard.

"I am the voice inside your head

And I control you.

I am the lover in your bed

And I control you."

Crawford turned to glare at the German. "Do you mind?

I'm trying to read my paper." Crawford tried again but

Schuldich never even missed a beat.

"I am the sex that you provide

And I control you."

Crawford rolled his eyes and tried to concentrate on

his paper once more but was interrupted when Nagi

joined the song.

"I am the hate you try to hide

And I control you."

Nagi sang as Schuldich smiled and leapt from the

window to join the boy at the computer.

"Thank you that's quite enough." Crawford yelled but

neither boy acknowledged him. Together they sang the

chorus.

"I take you where you want to go.

I give you all you need to know.

I drag you down I use you up.

I am Mr. Self Destruct."

The two were thoroughly enjoying themselves and

thoroughly pissing off Crawford who was finding it

impossible to concentrate on his paper. They were

about to start a new verse when Farf cut them off.

"I speak religion's message clear

And I control you."

There was a slight pause as everyone stared at the

psychotic Irishman. All of them had heard Schuldich

and Nagi sing before since the two enjoyed singing and

loud music as well as annoying others but Farf singing

was new. Of course he didn't have the clear voice that

Nagi did or the rich tone that Schuldich had and he

was a little off key but no one was about to criticize

him. For his part Farf gave his teammates a predatory

grin as they continued the song together.

"I am denial guilt and fear

And I control you.

I am the prayers of the naïve

And I control you.

I am the lie that you believe

And I control you."

Nagi and Farf fell over laughing so it was up to

Schuldich to sing the chorus. He smiled as he slid

over toward Crawford who had slammed down his paper

and was now glaring at the German who was fully

enjoying his revenge.

"I take you where you want to go.

I give you all you need to know.

I drag you down I use you up.

I am Mr. Self Destruct."

Schuldich sang into the American's ear. Crawford was

looking more and more annoyed but didn't kill him,

which was promising and far more then the German had

been hoping for. Farf sang the opening line of the

third verse solo.

"I am the needle in your vein

And I control you."

Nagi picked up the next line.

"I am the high you can't sustain

And I control you."

But now both Nagi and Farf had once again collapsed on

the floor laughing and it was once more up to

Schuldich to finish.

"I am the pusher I'm a whore

And I control you.

I am the need you have for more

And I control you."

Schuldich watched Crawford carefully and faltered as

the American's face lost its pissed off look. Crawford

shrugged and muttered quietly, "If you can't beat them

join them." Everyone stared in shock as Crawford

finished the rest of the song in perfect tone, pitch,

and key.

"I am the bullet in the gun

And I control you.

I am the truth from which you run

And I control you.

I am the silencing machine

And I control you.

I am the end of all your dreams

And I control you.

I take you where you want to go.

I tell you all you need to know.

I drag you down I us you up

I am Mr. Self Destruct."

The End. Comments are a must everyone.