Spoilers: The light and Crystal Skull
A Child Called It
The room was filled with deathly silence.
Apprehension began forming at the pit of his stomach.
It was simply instinct that had drawn him to the balcony. Little telltale signs when he'd first opened the door to Daniel's apartment and had seen the phone laid haphazardly by the side that caused him to become even more fearful for his friend's safety. The kettle was brewing in the kitchen, and from its incessant whistling it had been like that for some time. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew something was very wrong. It wasn't just what he'd seen on his arrival, but what had taken place yesterday at the SGC - Daniel's fraught state of mind, his argument with General Hammond, and the fact that he was emotionally exhausted. Coupled together, they were just fragments of a puzzle that he had to piece together.
Staring at his friend on the balcony, his first instinct was to run out and stop him. But, something held him back. Standing nervously by the doorway, Daniel seemed to have his feet teetering precariously close to the edge, and he realised that any sudden movement might cause his friend to jump. Fear and uncertainty for his state of mind weighed heavily within him. Feelings of past pain tore at his stomach. Too many times in his life he had seen friends and family die before their time. In the past he'd been unable to save them; this time it would be different.
Cautiously he made his way on to the veranda in the hope that he could at least connect on some level with him.
"Daniel." That one word he hoped would convey so much. What are you doing out here? Why are you doing this? What brought you to this level of desperation? Do you even know that I'm here? Can you hear me? Am I too late?
His eyes seemed unfocussed as if searching for something, tears streamed down his face; he had never felt so lost. Torn between the past and the present, Daniel whispered incoherently into thin air.
Everything felt strangely distant, it was as if he was here, but wasn't. His body felt as if it didn't belong to him, his scattered thoughts were in turmoil as he glanced listlessly at the ground below. Nothing made sense. He didn't know why he was here or why he felt the compelling urge to jump, only that he did. Dark memories seemed to be rushing towards the surface and he didn't know how to stop it. A soft voice shattered the silence…he barely recognised who it was, he didn't want to turn around at first. What would be the point? Something was compelling him to stand here on the ledge. He didn't know what it was, but it seemed to have for the moment, taken away all the hope and happiness from his soul and turned it in on itself; turning his thoughts bleak like a dark winter morn. But, as the voice spoke to him, he felt a flicker of light burn deep within him, questioning the darker side of his psyche; urging him to move towards the light away from the shadows. The voice was familiar. A sound of urgency escaped from the person's voice.
"Jack?" Daniel questioned with uncertainty.
"Yeah." Jack said with relief, grabbing hold of his friend's arm. Relief was clearly evident in his face as he tightened his grip. Stealing a look at the ground below, he was shocked to find how close Daniel had actually come to jumping.
Maintaining a vice like grip, Jack led him back over the railings. Beads of sweat surfaced on his forehead as he realised that one false step would mean that Daniel would fall to his death. Bringing him inside, he sat him down gently on the sofa while he telephoned the SGC.
After talking with the Doc and General Hammond, they advised to proceed with caution, whatever was happening to Daniel, it was happening to other members who had gone to the planet, Janet had made that point very clear. Replaying the conversation in his head as he led his friend back to the base, the Doc's words were clear of day; 'Time was of the essence'.
The journey back to base was long and arduous, Daniel was in no fit state to make small talk and Jack was very worried. He'd already witnessed first hand a young man take his own life, and he wasn't prepared to watch the same fate happen to him to.
Daniel was one of his closest friends; they'd been through just about everything life had to throw at them. It was a miracle they had come out virtually unscathed. This time though was different. It wasn't some external force that they had to fight - it was the demons within. And, he knew from personal experience that those were the hardest ones to fight. The loss of Charlie was something that still weighed heavily on his mind. A parent always expects to go before their child, but never the other way around. Even after all these years he still felt the pain. At his sons funeral, he remembered his friends, family saying to him, 'time heals all wounds' and while he didn't disagree, there would always be a part of him that would never forget every detail of that fateful day…it was imprinted on his heart.
Today though his thoughts were for Daniel, he knew the young archaeologist had, had a difficult life – going from one foster home to another after the loss of his parents. Then to be told that the only remaining family member couldn't look after you, well to say it was a kick in the mouth was an understatement. He could only imagine what a difficult and lonely time it must've been for him in those early years. Going from home to home, settling down, only to find that the following week you'd be placed with another family. He was surprised that after all of that he'd managed to turn out so 'normal'.
Seeing him on the balcony muttering incoherently, made him realise how much Daniel's friendship had meant to him, and the harsh reality that it could be snatched away in a heartbeat. It was clear that Daniel was harbouring a secret that had been buried so deeply…and whatever it was it must have been strong enough to make him want to commit suicide. He knew that his friend's childhood had been traumatic, but maybe it had scarred him more than he realised. Whatever his reasons behind doing what he did, he knew that before he could move forward he'd have to share that painful memory.
"How is he?"
"Not good, I'm afraid, Colonel. We're just waiting on his test results. He's stable for now, but to be perfectly honest that could change quite quickly." Janet replied softly glancing over at the still form of Doctor Jackson.
"Mind if I sit with him for a bit?"
"He might not make much sense, but by all means it certainly couldn't hurt. Maybe you can lift that black cloud that's hanging over him?"
"Is he still thinking of…" Of what… killing himself? He knew that it was a real possibility that he might try it again, hell he'd thought about it enough himself after Charlie died, but… Dark images weighed heavily in his mind as he recalled his own feelings, and he secretly wondered if someone had talked to him about it, would it have made any difference? He honestly didn't know, and they only way to find out was to ask him. Something that was easier said than done. "…Hurting himself?"
"He hasn't talked about it since you brought him in. His mental state is unstable to say the least. Whether it's to do with something that happened on the planet that's affecting him, or something else…I don't know. I've tried to talk to him, but he won't open up. Maybe you'll have better luck than I will."
"Maybe." Both of them knew it might be a futile gesture, but he wouldn't be much of a friend if he didn't try.
The hours passed slowly, Daniel didn't seem to responding to anything he said. Instead he laid still, his head lolled to one side against the pillow. His face was loosing pallor and Jack felt as if his friend was slipping away from him, and he felt helpless.
For years he'd had the luxury of helping his team by taking control over most situations, by showing them the way, but this was different. This time he had no control over the situation, it was up to Daniel to find a way back home. He only hoped that they could find a way to reverse whatever it was that was causing his friend to relive the dark past.
Everything happened so fast; Daniel's health was deteriorating before his eyes. He'd lost friends before, but usually in battle. This time the inner demons seemed to be winning. Darkened thoughts began creeping silently through his own mind and he realised the harsh reality of what Daniel was facing. But, one thing was certain; he wasn't prepared to let him go without a fight.
Carrying him over his shoulder, he ran up the steel ramp through the Stargate. His heart had stopped. Laying him gently on the stone floor, he waited anxiously to see if Daniel would start breathing on his own. Looking around the room he was alone, shouting for help he realised no one was going to come running. It was up to Daniel now. Within seconds, he felt a pulse, it was slow at first, but gradually it built up momentum. Letting out a sigh of relief that his friend was okay, he took a few seconds to compose himself. He didn't know what the hell was going on, but he was going to make damn sure that no one else was going to suffer the same fate that Daniel had.
Walking up and down the darkened room with nothing to do, Jack was even starting to get on his own nerves. His only source of companionship was his favourite Yo-Yo and a couple of magazines sent over from the base. Teal'c and Sam were off exploring the ruins, and Daniel…well, Daniel was back to being Daniel, and had gone off to explore some rural artefacts that he'd found in the main hall.
It had been a few weeks since they'd found out what had been causing their strange behaviour, and in typical Carter style, she'd managed to fix the 'light show'. Which meant, all they had to do now was sit and wait it out until all the after effects had abated.
Moseying over to where Daniel was, he plonked himself down next to the ornate carvings that Daniel seemed so fascinated about. They were nice sculptures; he wasn't a Neanderthal who didn't appreciate the finer arts…far from it. He just couldn't see what was so fascinating about looking at the same object for days on end, and still get excited over it. For days it had been the same thing over and over again, and he was bored. Daniel had gone through the building with a fine-tooth comb, each day finding something new to prattle on about, something that he'd bugged him about incessantly.
But, there was something more than met the eyes of the young archaeologist, something subtle hidden underneath his youthful exuberance. Since that day on the balcony, Jack hadn't had the opportunity to talk with him. It wasn't that there hadn't been enough time in the day…far from it. Something as poignant as what he wanted to discuss with him, wasn't something that you could just bring up at the dinner table. He needed to make sure he was okay, it was a rare chance that they got to be alone without one of the others near by to interrupt, and he wanted to grab the opportunity with both hands.
He didn't know how his friend would take him asking what happened that day, or if he'd ever find out the answers. But, he wouldn't be much of a friend if he didn't make sure he was okay with everything, or if the memories had continued to plague him.
"Jack! Come and have a look at this! It's…it's phenomenal. Look at the intricacies of the latticework. Someone had to make this by hand. My God the detail's amazing. Do you see this symbol here, it has to represent…" Daniel rattled on, completely ignoring Jack's bored expression.
"Daniel…you know, I never get why this…excites you? It's boring." Jack replied drawing pictures in the dust.
"This…" He remarked pointing at the sculptures, "…can give us an early indication of how this civilisation came about. It tells us how advanced they were in terms of technology. The marble over there depicts who they worshipped and why, it's all so…"
"Exciting, yeah I got that, but what is it about archaeology that you find so fascinating?" Jack asked. He knew that his parent had been killed in an accident when he was only little, and that they to were archaeologists, but he wanted to know if there was any other reason for his career choice. He'd known Daniel for a long time, and thought about all the times he'd been there for him in the past, but he also knew that Daniel was holding something from his own past that still had an impact on him now, playing devils advocate for the moment he asked, "It's not as if these relics have any relevance on the here and now, does it?"
"No relevance? Are you kidding me, our past defines our future. How can we move forward without a past? Its what shapes us…makes us who we are."
"Okay, so throw me a bone here. How does your past help you now?"
Pausing for a moment, Daniel looked over at his friend and saw the questions burning in his eyes; he'd been waiting for this moment for weeks. Putting down the artefact, he walked over to him and sat down opposite his friend.
"Why don't you just come out and ask me, Jack?"
"Not subtle enough?"
"No." Daniel said shaking his head. Jack's thoughts on subtlety usually involved a sledgehammer, and that was on a good day.
"Good try though, don't you think?"
"I've seen better." Daniel answered honestly. "So what did you want to know? My deep dark secrets?"
"Well, now that you've brought it up."
Shaking his head with slight exasperation, he suddenly found the floor very interesting. He wasn't normally one to hide his feelings. As Sam once said, he wore his heart on his sleeve…and for the most part that was true. But, there were certain aspects of his life that he'd never shared with anyone, not even his closest friends.
"I had a hard life growing up, you know that."
"I know of it, Daniel, but you never talk about it. You've never been shy about telling me how you feel…except when it comes to talking about your past."
"You're one to talk."
"I wasn't standing on a balcony edge 80 feet up, ready to jump."
"No, you just went on suicide missions."
"That was a long time ago, Daniel. Things change, so do people."
"Are you saying you never feel like that anymore?"
"No, not in that way. Don't get me wrong Daniel, I felt sad and…guilty for a long time after Charlie died."
"And now?"
"I have good days that aren't so bad, and bad days that aren't so good. You never get over losing someone you love, but you learn to live with it."
"I know that, and I'd like to think that I've moved on from what happened years ago, but there is still a part of me that I can never let go."
"Daniel, some of our worst fears are borne from a childhood experience, it's what you do with that experience that helps us grow as people."
"That was profound!" Daniel remarked staring up at his friend. It wasn't often he saw this side of him, and it surprised him. He always knew Jack was reserved when it came to sharing his thoughts and feelings and a part of him felt privileged to see it first hand.
"Yes, well…I have my moments."
"After my parents died, I felt as if my world had fallen in around me. I put on a brave face, because that's what was expected of me. Nick didn't want to look after me, so I went from one foster family to another, hoping to find a home where I felt I belonged. I wasn't exactly your 'typical child' growing up. Families I'd been placed with couldn't…or didn't want to understand my need to go off and explore. They saw it as me being disruptive or running away, when I'd go off on my own and disappear for hours. But, I wasn't running... I was trying to find myself, keep what my parents instilled in me…alive."
"Didn't you have anyone to talk to?" Jack asked with sadness. His childhood wasn't that great, but at least he was safe in the knowledge that when he came home from school, there'd be someone there for him.
"No." The answer was short and to the point, but with that one word it conveyed so much. "It was a lonely time for me then. I remember going to one family and they treated me as if I was their servant. They belittled me, and my passion for archaeology, treated me as if I was nothing. And, when they did that I felt as if they were mocking everything my parents had taught me. As time went on I began to withdraw into myself, memories of what my parents had taught me faded into the back of my mind and I lost hope. I felt worthless. When people start telling you that you're useless and that you're no good, you start to believe it. I started on a path to self destruction… that nearly succeeded."
"How did you turn a life around?" Jack asked with sadness.
"Nick gave me a letter before he went on a dig, it was from my parents written a long time ago. It made me realise a few things…helped me put things into perspective."
"It must have been one hell of a letter. What did it say?"
Pulling out a worn out crumpled piece of paper, he handed it over to his friend.
Jack looked at the paper suspiciously, "What's this?"
"The letter."
"You carry it around with you?" Jack asked with incredulity.
"That surprises you?"
"No…yes. Why do you carry it around with you?"
"It reminds me of why I became an archaeologist in the first place, helps me remember my parents."
Jack took a few minutes to read the contents, there was still so much he didn't know about him, and it brought home just how much Daniel's childhood had played a part in his career.
My dearest Daniel,
I watch you sleeping, and wonder what the world holds for you.
More than anything I want you to be happy in whatever path you
choose to take.
Your father and I have always dreamed of finding something that
we could pass on as part of our legacy, but what we didn't realise at first, was, you are our legacy. You are our past, present and future rolled into one and without you, all the treasures in the world would be meaningless.
Always remember my love, you can aspire to be anything you want, be anyone you want as long as you have hope and faith in yourself. No matter where we are, be it in this world, or the next, we will always be proud of you and we'll always be there for you.
Love always
Mom
He re-read the letter a couple of times, and for the first time in his life he was lost for words. He could never imagine losing his parents at such a young age to have gone through his life…alone without their constant support to guide him through life seemed unimaginable. Then to find himself not only orphaned, but also unwanted…shunted by people that had agreed to care for him, made him realise how lucky he had been in his life. Sure there were times when fate had dealt him a cruel hand, but now that he'd heard how close his friend came to giving up on himself and life, made him appreciate his friend all the more.
"It must have been hard for you."
"It was. I never felt as if I belonged. I was always that quirky kid with the hand-me-downs that kids made fun of, because I was different."
"And now?"
"Now? I don't feel like a child called 'it' anymore, and when my memories take me back to that cold, lonely place I read my mom's letter and try and put things back into perspective. It's not easy some days, but I don't ever want to feel that way again."
"Promise me one thing?"
"What?"
"If you ever feel like that again, you'll talk to us?"
"I will." Daniel replied slowly. "That morning you came to see me, I was ready to give up. But, you know what kept me from jumping?"
"What?"
"You, Sam and Teal'c are like my family, I heard your voice, and I felt a glimmer of hope surface inside me. For the first time in my life I feel as if I belong. Working here at the SGC means everything to me. I feel that in some way, by doing this, that my parents are still here with me, and that they'd be proud of me…at what I've achieved. Their passion for archaeology is their legacy to me, and without your help I wouldn't have had the opportunity to live the life that I was destined to."
A short pause filled the room, while Jack contemplated on what to say. He knew how difficult it must've been for Daniel to tell him. No one likes to share their deepest darkest secrets and for him to open up the way he did, it showed just how far their friendship had come. Sure they'd had their ups and down, their constant bickering now and then, but ultimately they both new that friendship was borne out of respect and friendship, something that had always existed between them. And just because they didn't agree on a lot of things, didn't mean that they didn't care.
"So, does this mean that you owe me, for saving your ass?" Jack said lightly.
Daniel looked over at him with suspicion. "Well, I wouldn't say I owe you, it's your job to save my ass…remember?"
"Ah, but that's when we're at the SGC."
"Okay, I'll bite, what do I owe you?"
"From now until the end of time when I'm old and grey…"
"Aren't you old and grey now?" Daniel queried lightly.
"Don't be facetious, Daniel, that's my job." Ahem clearing his throat, he continued, "Whenever we are off world you are to touch nothing, not a thing, no prodding or poking or caressing..."
"Caressing? The only thing caress is…" Daniel jested; it was fun watching Jack squirm.
"Lalalalala. Too much information, Daniel." Jack countered putting his fingers in his ears. "Getting back to my original IOU, you touch nothing until Carter clears it, capeesh?"
"Yeah Jack, I got it."
The End ;o)