Wow...this has to be the most random thing I've ever written...really...it breaks the fourth wall so often that I really don't think it has one...
Only leave a review if you're going to be nice about it. I seriously can't be bothered with flames.
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI, Sailor Moon or Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni. I wish I owned all three of them, but I think we all know that's never going to happen...
Some inspiration and some lines (or variations of the lines) come from the beginning of the seventh episode of the hilarious Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series (if you haven't already watched it, watch it!)
Sara Killing Chapter:
"Grissom, I think I'm pregnant," Sara walked into Grissom's office and sat down in the chair opposite him.
"Really?" Grissom looked up at her as he removed his glasses.
"Yes, and Warrick's the father."
"Warrick?" Grissom raised his eyebrows. "You know Catherine's gonna kill you for that?"
"Affirmative!" said a familiar voice.
Sara turned round to find Catherine wielding the biggest cleaver she'd seen in her life, a manic look on her face.
"You're gonna go Higurashi on me, aren't you?" Sara asked calmly.
"Affirmative!"
"Crap."
Greg walked up the corridor and stood right outside Grissom's office.
"Nick! Don't leave me!" Greg wailed.
"Sorry, Greggo, it's just not working out between us," Nick replied.
"But I love you!"
At that point, Warrick happened to conveniently walk past, which attracted Catherine's attention.
"Warrick, what exactly have you been doing behind closed doors with Sara?"
"What are you talking about?"
"She claims she's pregnant with your child!"
"Er…I gotta go see Hodges about a DNA result!" Warrick power-walked down the corridor, with the axe-wielding Catherine running after him.
"Sara, I thought we had something," Grissom looked dejected.
"We do, Gil, we do, but the writer of this fan fiction has a severely twisted mind, so she's making all of these strange and impossible things occur in order to get more readers."
"Wait, did you just break the fourth wall?"
"Yes, I did."
Grissom sighed deeply as he looked at the pile of uncompleted paperwork in front of him. "Looks like everyone's having relationship problems in this story."
"Affirmative!"
Anti-GSR Killing Chapter:
"Grissom, I think I'm pregnant," Sara walked into Grissom's office and sat down in the chair opposite him.
"Really?" Grissom looked up at her as he removed his glasses.
"Yes, and Jim's the father."
"Does this mean you're leaving me?"
"Of course not. It's just the psychopathic fan fiction author that wrote this story…wait, did I already say something similar to that?"
"You just broke the fourth wall! I can't believe it…that's strange, I'm getting a sense of déjà vu as well!"
Suddenly, Grissom's telephone rang.
"Grissom," Grissom answered, and then sat there for a while listening to the person on the other end. "Okay," he hung up.
"Lady Heather's been murdered by the Miniature Killer!" Grissom announced.
"Well, I knew there was a reason they wrote Natalie Davis into this show!"
"I agree, I'm glad she actually has a purpose on this programme now! She can kill off all the characters who get in the way of the GSR!"
Sara mentally began to make a note of the people she would very much like Natalie to kill off. Terri Miller, Hank Peddigrew-oh, wait, I already killed him last night, cheating manwhore…Sophia Curtis, Ecklie, that Dr Gilbert woman from season one who flirted with my beloved Gilbert just because he can sign…
"Wow, we're certainly breaking the fourth wall a lot in this story," Grissom commented.
"It's almost as if there isn't one!"
"True."
"Gil," she smiled at him lovingly, "I'll always love you."
"You're really staying with me?"
"Yes, after all, we're married by season ten."
"Just goes to show that TPTB really do care about GSR."
"Guys, you're not gonna believe it," Catherine burst into the room, "Sophia's been killed off by the Miniature Killer."
"I like this fan fiction author!" Sara smiled, then looked up to the ceiling, "Hey, can you make sure that Terri and Dr Gilbert don't come back?"
Make-out Marathon Chapter:
"Grissom, I think I'm pregnant," Sara walked into Grissom's office and sat down in the chair opposite him.
"Really?" Grissom looked up at her as he removed his glasses.
"Yes, and Hodges is the father."
"First Warrick, then Jim, now Hodges? Is the person writing this story trying to imply that you're some sort of slut?! If so," Grissom stood up and pulled out a samurai sword, "I won't forgive them!"
He did not just make a Sailor Moon reference…and where did he pull that sword from?
"Hey, guys, you won't believe what I just saw," Greg rushed into the office.
"What?" asked Sara.
"Nick and Mandy just started randomly making out in the middle of the lab!"
"Seriously?!" Grissom and Sara went rushing out of the room after him.
Sure enough, Nick and Mandy were…otherwise distracted in full view of everyone in the lab.
"Remind me why you told me this?" Grissom turned to Greg.
"I thought you might want to, you know, reprimand them or something."
"I don't care! Let them do what they want!"
"Wow, if only this author wrote the scripts for the show…" Greg muttered as he walked away.
Nick and Mandy finally came up for air. "You mean you're really not going to shout at us?"
"Yes."
As Warrick and Catherine walked by, Catherine grinned. "This is a fabulous universe!" she declared as she began a full blown attack on Warrick's mouth.
"Warrick and Catherine kissing?" Nick stared in disbelief, "That never happened in the actual show!"
"That's because a fan fiction author is writing this and not those complete amateurs that call themselves script writers," Mandy pointed out.
"So, David, aside from the fact that Sara is apparently carrying your child, this means we have a chance, right?" Wendy smiled.
"Of course, dear darling Wendy with the perfect chest, of course."
"Gil, I suddenly have a craving for ramen noodles," Sara dragged Grissom in the direction of his office.
"There are no ramen noodles in there!" Grissom reminded her.
"You didn't really think that I wanted ramen noodles while love is in the air all around the lab, did you?"
"True."
"You know, Gil, carrying Hodges' child has really taken a toll on my back, and I could really do with a massage right now," Sara closed and locked the door behind them, "Would you like to do the honours?"
"It would be my pleasure."
Ecklie and Sophia Stalking Chapter:
"Grissom, I think I'm pregnant," Sara walked into Grissom's office and sat down in the chair opposite him.
"Really?" Grissom looked up at her as he removed his glasses.
"Yes, and Ecklie is the-"
"No. Freaking. Way."
"Okay, I lied about that one."
"Thank God."
"Hello, Grissom," Sophia Curtis walked into the room, clearly trying to flirt with him.
"Sophia?!" Sara gawped, "Didn't you get written out of the show at the beginning of season eight?"
"TPTB aren't writing this story, remember?"
"Bugger."
"Sophia," Eckliepopped his head around the door, "A regular client-er, I mean, of course, a long lost friend of yours has just called in order to give somewhat of a plot line for this story."
"But I was just about to stir up some angst in the GSR storyline!"
"Do I need to take half your earnings-I mean, cut your paycheck?"
"No," she followed him out of the room.
"Wow, I always knew she was Ecklie's whore, but I never knew he was her pimp!" Sara yawned.
"Ecklie said something about a plot line for this story…maybe we should stalk them!"
"Stalking Sophia and Ecklie in order to figure out the plot line?" Catherine popped out of nowhere, "Count me in!"
As the three of them discreetly walked towards the exit, Hodges appeared in front of them.
"Due to the fact that I've been stalking Grissom since early season three, I know that the three of you are in search of a plot line. May I come along?"
"Sorry, Hodges," Sara patted him on the shoulder, "Main characters only."
As they climbed into a Denali, Catherine started checking her make-up.
"I can't believe this, Gil," Sara moaned as Grissom put the Denali into reverse, "Ecklie and Sophia are playing large roles in this story…and they're not even main characters!"
"Maybe the fact that Ecklie's never been a main character and Sophia was only ever a main character for one season lead them to creating a storyline in order to become main characters for a while," Grissom suggested.
"I think I'll call Greg for absolutely no reason," Catherine reached into her pocket for her phone and dialled his number.
"Hey, Catherine."
"Since you're a main character, you've probably done something to help us effectively stalk Ecklie and Sophia, right?"
"Yes, I put a tracking device on the back of Ecklie's car for no apparent reason, and they're now at the Monaco Casino."
"Gil! The Monaco! And step on it!"
Once they'd arrived, they walked in through the front door only to find Ecklie and Sophia, along with the rest of the main and recurring cast of the programme, playing poker.
"How the fudge did you guys get over here? And why are you here, anyway?"
"It's a fan fiction, Catherine, anything can happen!" Wendy smiled.
"So who's this 'long lost friend' of Sophia's?"
"Me."
"Warrick?!" Catherine pulled her cleaver out of absolutely nowhere, "Why are you one of Sophia's clients?"
"Er…"
"You're mine! Even though you got killed off in the season nine pilot, you're still mine!" Catherine proceeded to chase him round the casino whilst waving the cleaver around.
"Playing poker sure beats doing our jobs," Sara had now joined in the game, along with Grissom.
After a while, Sara was single-handedly winning the game. Considering that, according to an episode earlier on in the programme, Grissom had a very good poker face, she could tell exactly what cards he had. Maybe it was the clear connection between them that the scriptwriters worked so hard to portray.
Ecklie's cell phone rang. "Ecklie," he answered.
"Conrad? Where are CSI?!"
"Er, we all need to get back to the lab, pronto! The Sheriff'll kill me otherwise!"
"No problem, guys," Catherine ran up to them, dragging Warrick by the arm, "If he tries anything, I'll punish him with my cleaver!"
"Are we gonna have to do what they did in the Atonement arc of Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni?" asked Sara.
"Probably."
"Well, we're CSIs, we'll probably never get caught!"
Little did they know that, nearby, a certain Jim Brass was listening in on the conversation and talking into his radio, after having completely misinterpreted the entire conversation…
Total Confusion Chapter:
"Sara, I think I'm pregnant," Catherine walked into the break room and sat down opposite Sara.
"Really?" Sara smiled at her.
"Yes, and you're the father."
Just then, Warrick walked into the room, and his eyes widened. "Catherine, can I ask something?"
"What?"
"How is that even freaking possible?!"
"I have no idea," Catherine moved round the table and sat on Sara's lap, "But she won't be a deadbeat dad!"
"Neither will I!"
"I'm sorry, Catherine, I just don't feel that way about you," Sara stood up, forcing Catherine to stand up as well, "I'm a married woman, and so are you."
Catherine pouted, then walked over to Warrick and hugged him. "I'm sorry, Warrick, I shouldn't have let this evil fanfic author control me like that."
"Yes, she can do anything. She could even make Nick and Greg dress up as Gothic Lolitas if she really wanted."
"Sara?" Grissom walked into the break room, "Do you know why Nick and Greg are dressed…the way they are?"
Nick and Greg walked into the room and, sure enough, they were both dressed in Gothic Lolita clothing.
"Awww, you guys look so cute!" Catherine cooed over a frowning Nick and Greg.
"It's highly disturbing, actually," Grissom countered.
"I concur," agreed Sara.
"If you think we're bad, you should see Wendy," Greg shot back.
They all went into the DNA lab to find that the author had made Wendy wear cat ears, a collar with a bell on it, a tail and a dummy in her mouth.
"Wendy!" Hodges burst into the lab, "I'm gonna take you home!"
"Fine, but wipe that perverted smile off your face and stop staring so much at my chest!"
"Gil," Sara turned to him, "I think I'm pregnant, and you're the father!"
"I sure hope so!" yelled Wendy as she was being dragged off by Hodges.
"Does that mean that Sara really didn't father my baby?" asked Catherine.
Sara sighed. "Wow, Catherine, just wow!"
"Catherine," Warrick lowered his voice, "Have you ever considered that maybe I'm the father?"
Catherine thought about this for a moment, then said, "Of course! After all, I haven't had-"
"Come on, Catherine," Warrick lead her out of the lab.
"Well, Gil, looks like everyone's happy this time round," Sara wrapped her arms around his waist.
"Er, guys…"
They turned round to find Greg and Nick still stood there, looking like cosplaying cross-dressers.
"What are you looking at us for?" Grissom frowned, "We're not the ones writing this story!"
"Maybe we should get the original writers back..." Nick muttered.
"NO!" Grissom and Sara yelled at the same time.
"Why not?"
"Because GSR will be virtually non-existent!" Sara hugged Grissom tighter, "The way that I left Vegas to find myself devastated GSR fans all over the world!"
"What does that have to do with getting us out of these clothes?"
"Absolutely nothing!"
"Nick," Mandy waltzed into the room, "I think I'm pregnant…and Henry's the father!"
Just as Nick went to find Catherine to ask if he could borrow her cleaver, Sara sighed against Grissom's chest.
"I wonder what we should call our baby," she looked up at him and smiled.
"How about Fifi if it's a girl and Satchel if it's a boy?"
Sara fainted.
Now that you've all been subjected to my twisted mind, please review! They mean a lot =]